reply to post by Wrabbit2000
It all totally makes sense, that is why I felt so strongly compelled to share the link with you. Writing, for me, much like you, comes easily. That
link left me feeling bare and naked, and that is the reason I didn't edit it. I wrote each part as it came from my heart, and I felt that editing even
typos would leave me open to do what I didn't want - which was to second guess myself.
I was hopeful that upon reading it, you would at least know I was being genuine, and not just saying, "me too". Not that that confirmation is either
good or bad, but it is what it is. Sometimes, when we know things, we doubt ourselves to a degree until someone can relate to us, confirm they are on
the same page.
As I said, for some reason, I always thought everyone knew it was there, though inexplicably, looking back at that, I had no reason to. Perhaps it was
because I had grown so accustomed to it, or was so used to keeping it inside. It's awkward to find yourself with realizations like that. Perhaps it
was a type of defense mechanism I used to make myself comfortable with it. I am still pondering on that one.
I would be curious to know when you noticed it gone, though. I said it was about a month ago for me, perhaps when I thoroughly examined it. My first
thoughts were that it was somehow my fault. Since religion is how I always associated it, it is the only words I can communicate it with. It may not
be right, but the only way I know right now.
When I felt it was my fault, the first thought that came to mind was that I had fallen from grace with God somehow. Pretty powerful, even for
non-religious people, no? Anyway, that is why I said I became more prayerful. I felt that somehow, I had slipped from God. Not prayed enough, not been
good enough, somehow I had failed. The more I thought on it, I began to consider other possibilities.
That place I had been, in the hotel room, not a good place. I worried that those I had become comfortable with being around me were, for lack of a
better term, trapped. Purgatory? So hard to put into words, but I was willing out if desperation, to almost choose that place over life. I knew I
didn't want to be there. However, I was never sure that what I felt daily was that place, a different place, or a combination. I am still not sure.
After the guilt, I got angry. Then I got scared. I went through a lot of emotions, because I wanted them back. It was a comfort to me. That is when I
pondered the hard questions. Was it good for them? Did they move on to something better? If so, what does it mean? Is that in itself some sign for me?
I thought about the movie The Seventh Sign. They talk about the Guff. That movie is the only place I had ever heard of it, but they say in the movie
the Guff is where the spirits are, and when it is empty, it is the end of the world. The last child born will be soulless. The anti-christ. Again,
forgive me if you are not religious, as I said, this is how I relate, the only words I have.
Then, I tell myself I think too much.
I can't say when the foreboding feeling started for me, nor when the connection was gone, but it never occurred to me to link the two. I only know
when I became aware of it. Try as I might, I just can't pinpoint when I lost it.
I do understand the discomfort in writing about it. I wrote that message last night at least 5 times before I clicked send. It still left me
squirming. It still does. Stick with your instincts, don't second guess yourself. Usually, your gut is right over what your mind may try to tell you.
And don't give away anything you don't feel right with.
I didn't see your edited post. In a way, I am glad. Something tells me I may not have liked it. Perhaps, perhaps not, but it isn't about me. You made
me rather curious though.
This entire thread has made me think rather a lot. I had a doctors appointment today that I skipped, just to give myself more time to consider this. I
feel it is important.
Seems I was spelling it wrong. It is spelled Guf. Interesting read, gives the date from the movie as one in February. Is this a leap year perchance?
edit on 6-2-2013 by Libertygal because: ETA link