I'm not typically the kind of person to ask for help, in fact my stubborn brain is convincing me not to even write this, but I'm at the end of my rope and am looking for some tips or advice.

I've suffered with depression my whole life. I've lost all, and i mean all of my friends. My father also has severe depression and I grew up in a very hostile and abusive atmosphere which has led me to have anxiety and abandonment issues and an awful tendency to push everyone away. Self sabotage, so to speak.

When people meet me, they think I'm full of light, happiness and a will to help people, but it's all an act. I'm a miserable, negative person and on a daily basis wonder what the point of even being here is, as it seems I just bring everyone else down around me. I have a loving partner, who I tear to shreds because I expect him to be like every other person to let me down when I know truly that they deserve better.

I consider myself very self aware. I've spent countless hours trying to find tips online on how to handle explosive anger and draining depression (without the use of pharmaceuticals) and I even read several people saying that "Positive thinking is a choice" but really, how could that be? How can you choose in a moment of emotional blindness to be better, I mean granted I always regret the things said/done after but how is someone to change that process from even getting to that point??

Well look on the bright side your not a child starving in africa, your not in a war zone, your not mk ultra.. well hope not! And you have tons more power than other people. Your on earth to give, to resonate, to just be your vital self. You are needed. And I think you must find that inner connection to the totality of this life experience. You cant shake depression off really, you just need to find a passion and run with it. My advice, and Ive had depression etc very badly for many years. Finally I am not depressed as much as before. I just have given in to the TOTALITY the beauty that is life. I have a fear of death - a very bad one.

Do you take any vitamin D supplements? If not, you should try it.
You should take 5000iu per day. I take a liquid form of D3 that tastes like oranges.
You won't feel the effects until about 30 to 45 days, so don't give up on it. I used to have the same thoughts and feelings until I started taking D3 everyday. Now, I have more positive thoughts and I don't have mood swings anymore or get upset for no reason.
Best wishes!

I completely understand your pain.

I, too, suffer from severe depression, anxiety, and PTSD. it is a never ending battle, a cycle of ups and downs.

I take medicine, and they make a huge difference. I know a lot of folks don't like the idea of medication, but a chemical imbalance may be helped this way. Don't be so quick to dismiss it out of hand.

Have you spoken to a therapist? A good therapist can show you different ways to approach problems and give you coping strategies to use.

I've found the following helps me:
*exercise
*sunshine
*solitude
*writing in a journal
*crying (I've been crying my eyes out tonight, got bad news. Crying helps me clear my mind).
*meditation

I hope these suggestions help. If you ever need to talk, just send me a message.

Hugs to you,
smylee

Originally posted by RooskiZombi
and I even read several people saying that "Positive thinking is a choice" but really, how could that be? How can you choose in a moment of emotional blindness to be better, I mean granted I always regret the things said/done after but how is someone to change that process from even getting to that point??

Others have already given great advice, and undoubtedly will continue to do so. With probably the inevitable jab from some random person. Such is the internet Either way, I wanted to comment on this specifically.

Its good to feel your emotions. It really is! However, letting them not only consume you but allowing them to blindly dictate your actions can lead to regrettable things.

If you see things the way you insinuate, then you feel you are your emotions. But, the truth is that you simply feel them. We can decide to let them control us and our actions (and many do), but that really is a choice.

It takes practice and discipline, and to gain this, many will correctly suggest meditation. What part of your consciousness is feeling the emotions? It is easier to not let your emotions get the better of you if you understand that even when in a blind rage, there is so much more going on in your body.

Just dont give up your power and perspective to a very small part of you (your emotions). You/we are so much bigger and greater than simply an extreme emotion at a given time. But it is so very easy to let our emotions take us for a ride that it seems like we didnt sign up for.. that we have to be constantly mindful.

Undoubtedly, you are capable of this. You are much more amazing than you give yourself credit for, everyone is. So, the pertinent question is; What/Who feels those emotions and why isnt that part of you calling the shots? It might take some time to work through, and will absolutely take some time to start walking towards who you want to be.. but I have faith you can do so, even without meeting you. This thread itself is evidence that you can start to become who you wish to be.

Afterthought, I haven't tried Vitamin D but that sounds like it is worth a try for sure! Thank you

Destinyone, I really appreciate your words. I needed that more than you know. I guess the idea of talking to someone who gets paid to hear me was always a bit stomach turning but it sure beats holding everything inside until it bursts forth in unhealthy means. Luckily my work provides confidential external counseling services, perhaps its time to take advantage of this.

Rooski,
You're welcome! It's really cheap, too, so you aren't out much if it doesn't work for you.
Question: Are you inside a lot or do you work outside?
If you're outside a lot, a vitamin D deficiency might not be your problem.

I hear you.

My depression was brought on by two life changing events that happened in the span of a few weeks.

My other half, who was the 'bread winner', got into a terrible accident at work. He was driving a utility truck and was hit by a semi. His whole thoracic spine was full of fractures. It was pretty bad,

This of course led to financial hardship in an already rough economy.

A few weeks later I was diagnosed with a life changing illness that has no cure. They said it had been there all along, but, stressful life events had brought it fully to the surface.

I did my best to fight through it thinking that it would pass and after a year of it only getting worse, I resorted to pharmaceuticals to help me cope. The first one was no good, but, I feel a little bit better with the second one. Its only been two weeks, so time will tell. I am not suggesting that you should go this route, just to be clear.

(Please, no lectures on that, I know how many of you feel about antidepressants. It was losing my mind or the pills. I chose the latter. For now.)

I really just wanted to let you know that you are not alone by any stretch of the imagination. There are people who know how it feels, people that live it daily, and people who understand completely.

I don't know if that's any comfort, but, sometimes it helps me to know I am not alone.