A dilly of a pickle...Well for me anyway.

reply to post by chasingbrahman


OK, I gotta step away from this thread for a little bit. You guys are freakin' me out. Not in a bad way, just in a way were I have to reassess my approach to this whole situation. Hopefully there's no abuse. Thank you so much for sharing your personal experiences. Send some good vibes my way, I'm kinda stressed out now.

reply to post by XLR8R


I'm crossing my fingers for you dude. Seriously. I want this to be no real issue. Really, really badly.

Putting good wishes for you out into the universe for the coming weeks.

Originally posted by nixie_nox
reply to post by chasingbrahman

 

I agree, there is something very suspicious about this.

I am passing up a man I love very much who just bought a house and has a good job in order to stay near my son.

Bravo Nix. THAT is a tough place to be.... I hope the man you love recognizes what kind of rare bird he has. My husband and I have stayed together this long, I dont see us splitting up and havent dealt with this, but one of my very close family members has and is. The ex wife went from Montana to Florida.. and then bitches about him not taking the kids every 2 weeks.. blames HIM for not being there when it was SHE who went chasing booty and took the kids away from the dad! The guy she was chasing owned a business down in FLorida and told the judge that she was leaving Montana to go to FLorida for a good job in abad economy. Judge bought it.
He has visitation .. but he has to foot the bill for hte plane tickets for his 3 under 10 yr old kids to fly to Montana and he is very afraid for them to fly alone and cant afford the 3 tickets both ways round trip.. and then an extra 2 tickets round trip for himself!!

wanted to add here in edit that for as much as I disagree with a lot you post.. as Im sure its mutual.. you expose parts of yourself that one just cant help recognize as extraordinary. Youre a good egg.. among lots of mediocre and rotten ones. My greatest day will be when those who disagree on so much can see the good and common threads in eachother... and when I can always do that as well!

reply to post by XLR8R


XL, if you were not suspicious of the behavior, you wouldn't of started this this thread.

Does she normally want to see the kids all the time? Does she spend plenty of time with them? So does it seem strange to you that she suddenly is going out of reach?

Kids always come first. I am sure that your gut reaction is that you want their mother to be a part of their lives. If you two are close, can you talk to her about the ramifications of moving 2 hours away?

reply to post by nixie_nox


Oh! We did talk. I was pretty blunt if I may say so myself. I brought up their short comings in her relashonship as they were tolled to me by her. I brought up the abandonment issue which our kids are going to have to go through. The issue which I will be the only one there to pick up the pieces if ever something goes wrong in my kids lives. My daughter not being to have heart to heart with her mother when it matters. and a plethora of different things. I didn't bring up her childhood yet but that's next on the agenda. This is far from over, this I can assure you.

reply to post by XLR8R


Your best bet is to leave an open door policy IMO. People go through phases where they sometimes place their own desires and the like above their responsibilities. It sounds to me like your ex is just going through this, where she is putting a relationship with someone new above her kids. Some women do this and don't look back, others get over it and come back around to their children and their responsibilities in time.

The question to be asked, as you mentioned other boyfriends, is how did her attitudes towards her kids change in the past when a new boyfriend came along? Did she take off again and not want anything to do with them then? Or is this the first time she has done this? These are things to consider. As you said, you are great friends despite your past, so it shouldn't be too hard to broach the subject with her if you are worried she is going to walk away from the kids.

And I wouldn't worry too much. Kids are surprisingly resilient when it comes to things like this. Same as before, be open and honest with them as to what is going on, and don't try to sugar coat it or bolster up one side over the other. They'll respect you for it more in the long run, regardless of what happens between you and their mother.

I went through the same thing with my ex over the last six months, culminating in an 'it's just too hard' attitude from her, even though I was the one that pretty much did all the running around, and mind you, this was from state to state, and wasn't cheap or easy to do, and it was a pretty gradual slide from wanting her constantly down to 'I have a new family and boyfriend and just can't be bothered.' It sounds sad, but my own daughter has been a lot better since the contact has lessened with her mother.

Originally posted by XLR8R
I met the man twice. I'm a bit of an introvert so observing people and analyzing their body language is kind of what I do. His body language wasn't out of place. He never spoke louder than she did or cut her off mid sentence or put himself between me and her. As for physical contact I don't recall him ever approaching her while I was there. A was only in their presence for about 10-15 min both times though. On new years we hugged and she gave me a peck on the cheek and he didn't even flinch. Her other boy friends did though. They had major self-esteem issues....from what I could observe.

I think it is perfectly normal for her previous boyfriends to feel somewhat threatened by such a close relationship with the father of her children and to flinch a little. I'm not going to try and read anymore into the situation as you've described it, but from what you describe, he seems to be very much in control of himself.

Abuse can take many forms, financial, emotional, psychological, sexual, violence, or the whole lot combined, and it very rarely starts out overtly. It is gradual, almost imperceptible at first, both to the person being abused, and those around them. The abuser can be charm itself, but all the while chipping away, bit by bit. By the time it reaches it's peak, the abused often truly believes that it is their fault and it is their doing. And because the times in between, or directly after, are such a relief, you push the bad times to the back of your mind and think that it'll be different this time, you won't make the same mistakes again, and you will make sure that you won't set them off like that again.

At this stage, I would be very surprised if anything has occured in front of anyone, especially your children, other than perhaps his close associates. He may have done things like take her to a gathering and then ignored her all evening, or made inappropriate jokes at her expense. Anything else will be very personal, not something she would perhaps feel appropriate mentioning to you, such as critiquing her sexuality or femininity, comparing her to other women disfavourably...but again, it is going to be very subtle. He is going to be highly aware of how close the two of you are and he is going to play on that with her...as in 'please don't tell him, I cried and begged you to take me back/try again'...whatever...

I'm trying hard not to lead you here, as I understand that you are feeling, understandably, stressed by this situation, and to be perfectly honest, I am not sure that there is anything that you can do if this is what is going on. But as others have said, a previously good, dedicated mother does not suddenly decide to up and leave her children. You have told her that they need her, but for some reason, she thinks that he needs her more...and he's a grown man...something is not right, and those of us with direct experience of abusive relationships are seeing something familiar.

Best of luck.