A dilly of a pickle...Well for me anyway.

OK, here goes.
Met this girl in high school. We were together for 12 years had 2 kids but over the years we grew apart, got divorced but became good friends in the end. She's like a sister to me now. We've been divorced for 7 years and shared custody 50/50 and all was going great.
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Now she's been dating this new guy for 5 months and they had major compatibility issues. I won't go into it but it's not good. Like I said she's like my sis, she tells me a lot of stuff. Now all of a sudden she want's to move in with the guy which live 2.5 hours away which makes her unavailable to the kids. In essence I will become Mr. Mom come June. She will only have access to the kids during the week-end if...and that's a mighty big if she come and picks them up. Her attitude lately is pretty dismissive and I'm afraid the kids will loose touch with her.
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My daughter is turning into a little lady, she stating junior high next year which I believe is a time where it's critical to have her mom around. As for my son, he's pretty independent but also pretty sensitive. He's never been much of a momma's boy but again I'm concerned since she won't be around, at 8 years old, could that cause some"mommy issues"?
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My problem is, as a father nothing would stand in between my kids and I. So, I imagine, her being a good mother having felt those lives growing inside her would have given her a sense of responsibility towards her kids which would be unshakable. Am I wrong?
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Here's my question. Have you ever been through something similar.? If yes, how did you deal with it and what's your advice? If not, what's your advice?
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Thanks in advance.

be glad she isnt trying to take them where you have to be the one to travel

My wife was raised in a split house hold, where her mother chose her "boyfriends" over her well being, it did not end well for her, to this day her relationship with her mom is strained.

Be grateful though that you will have the bulk of the custody of your children, all you can do is be a good dad and listen to your children, look out for their well being above all else.

reply to post by XLR8R


My X lives 8 hours away and Ive been Mr Mom for about 12 years now. A 15 year old daughter can and will get on everyone of your nerves, I know mine does, everyday.

reply to post by dc4lifeskater


You got that right. I'm pretty happy I'm the one with the kids. I'm sure there will have to be compromises along the way like having to meet halfway and stuff like that. But that's to be expected I guess.

reply to post by benrl


That's what I'm afraid of. I don't want my children's relationship with their mother to suffer. Not so much for the mother but for my kids. Don't get me wrong, I love her like she was my blood but if that's the road she wants to go down... I guess you sew what you reap.

My kids are everything to me. Come hell or high water, I'll be the best dad I can be. Even if that means doing it alone.

reply to post by Juggernog


I know what you mean. And I only have then every other week. But that's ok, if she gets out of line I tell her she'll have to hang out with her little brother when her friends come over.

DUDE -

It sounds like the boyfriend might actually be a little worse than she's reporting, and has moved on to the next step every abuser follows: separating her from everyone who she loves and everyone who could offer support to her. He needs to be her only everything.

Do me a favor...ask her what happened between "having problems" and "moving in together". My life savings says that what turned everything around was his sob-story. They all have a sob-story that comes out when they either suspect the jig is up, or they're told "I'm leaving".

The next step is total dominance, so I don't know...RIGHT NOW would be a good time to get to the bottom of this. I understand your concern for your kids, but at this minute, my concern is with your former wife which, left unchecked, will become deep concern for your kids.

There's a very distinct way this kind of stuff works, and from the little bit you've revealed here, mothers who work it out with their kids' father well enough to share 50-50 custody of their children don't just up and move 2 1/2 hours away from their kids to live with a guy it isn't going so great with. Right?

reply to post by chasingbrahman


I agree, there is something very suspicious about this.

I am passing up a man I love very much who just bought a house and has a good job in order to stay near my son.

reply to post by nixie_nox


Nixie that's heartbreaking. But that's dedicated parenting.

Your son is lucky. I hope that man takes a second to think about this massive freaking error of his.

reply to post by chasingbrahman


It is just a matter of circumstance. He had to leave to take a job and be near his family. He really wants me to move but perfectly respects why I don't.

My point is that I do 50/50 parenting. Yet I won't move 3 hours for nothing. Like you said, someone who creates that atmosphere to leave suddenly seems very suspicious.

reply to post by XLR8R


Agreed with nixie and chasingbrahman...from what you have said, at the very least she is acting out of character and that should in itself raise red flags. Have you met this man? Seen how your mother's children acts around him? If I were you, I would arrange a meeting, on the pretext of discussing logistics, in order to do just that. However, more for your children's benefit than hers, there is probably nothing you can do to stop her, and if she is in a potentially abusive relationship, you won't be able to help until she realises that she needs help...but your children will need support throughout no matter what the circumstances, and it always best to be pre-emptive whenever you can be.

reply to post by KilgoreTrout


This is an excellent suggestion. If he is abusive, or has abusive tendencies, then when you meet him he will display quite a bit of posturing behaviors to establish his dominance over your former wife. Listen for him cutting her off as she explains circumstances. Look at his body language. Is he physically blocking her from you? If he is the abusive type, then he will feel extremely threatened by your presence. It won't result in his cowering in the corner, but will instead manifest as insecure attempts to dominate the existing dynamic between you and your ex.

One very important distinction in determining control vs. true affection is whether he touches her with a palmer's touch. When he touches her, does he do so with fingers or fingertips, or does his whole hand come in full contact with her? We tend to only touch those we love with a palmer's touch, with the palm pressed to the other person. We touch those we only feel we should touch with our fingertips - it's an obligatory behavior, not an emotional one. Can you actually hear his voice become louder when speaking directly to her, and softening when speaking to you?

I mention these things because, if observed, then you actually have a leg to stand on when approaching your ex-wife. These aren't the only things to pay attention to. Don't underestimate your gut. If he gives you the willies, either in how he addresses you, how he behaves around you, or just what it's like to generally be in his presence, STILL speak with your ex-wife. From what you've mentioned, I get the sense that you know her very, very well.

reply to post by chasingbrahman


I don't think abuse is an issue. My kids and I have a great communication and they never hinted to abuse at all. But as I mentioned in a U2U my guard is always up due to being a dad and that does extended to their mother. Maybe that's over stepping a boundary but I don't care when comes to the well being of my kids.

reply to post by KilgoreTrout


I met the man twice. I'm a bit of an introvert so observing people and analyzing their body language is kind of what I do. His body language wasn't out of place. He never spoke louder than she did or cut her off mid sentence or put himself between me and her. As for physical contact I don't recall him ever approaching her while I was there. A was only in their presence for about 10-15 min both times though. On new years we hugged and she gave me a peck on the cheek and he didn't even flinch. Her other boy friends did though. They had major self-esteem issues....from what I could observe.

reply to post by XLR8R


As someone who came out of an abusive relationship, they often do it when no one is looking.

Never assume.

Also, behavior in public isn't an indicator of anything. My husband was so dysfunctional that I had to do all the socializing and talking for him.

It was until behind closed doors that the maniac came out.

reply to post by XLR8R


Ditto on what Nixie said. Think about it this way: if it were apparent that someone was abusive, how would they continue to abuse anyone? Never underestimate how terrifying a threat could feel to a child. All he had to say was "you'll never see your mommy again" and their lips would be sealed.

How many times have you spoken with her one-on-one since this decision?

Dude, Nixie and I aren't making stuff up. Think about everything you know about her, and then ask yourself where this decision of hers fits in to your understanding of her. Heck, I don't even know her, but from what you've established about your history together, it doesn't fit. Just see if you can get her alone.

PS, I didn't receive a U2U from you.

reply to post by chasingbrahman


BTW, glad to see someone knowledgeable in this kind of information.

reply to post by chasingbrahman


I got a U2U from someone else. I just didn't specify.

reply to post by XLR8R


My apologies. I'd assumed you were alluding to your U2U sent to me.

I hope all works out well for your family.