An Open Letter to My Three Step-Sons, The Truth Hurts.

reply to post by CaptAmerika


Well said brother

Too many people on here seem to be harbouring some emotions of their own. Where does it end? What about the wife's parents? For the people who blame the wife, why aren't they saying it was her parents fault too?

I completely agree with you - OP has tried, but should now disconnect completely from those 3 sons.

Wow what a read, I can see there is a lot of different opinions on the subject of addiction in this thread. Let me first start by telling you OP that I myself am a reformed addict, not meth, but opiates. I can definitely understand your cutting off the 3 brothers from your life financially, but as for cutting these boys of from your life completely I must disagree with you. I have gone through so much with my family because of my addiction and at one point was alienated from my family due to it. I am now a 29 year old MAN with a career and life that is full of joy.
I did put my mother and step father through the ringer for sure when i was in my early 20s. The thing is when my family finally had enough they just let me know there would be no more money, food or shelter. After that bridge was cut off i turned to other a places for a few years to keep my addiction and lifestyle going. All the while my poor family could only wonder what was happening to me on the streets. Eventually I ended up messing up with some people who were not so forgiving about my addictions and money problems. (drug dealers) I ended up owing the wrong guy some money and got myself put in the hospital. As a direct result of that I have permanently lost the vision in my left eye. This was the wake up I needed to get things changed around for myself. That was almost 3 years ago, and I have been clean and on a new path ever since. I will say that if it wasn't for the support from my family after my incident I may not be writing this right now. The whole point of my story to you is to let you know there is hope. Addiction is a real disease, be it a disease that is a personal choice in the beginning, it quickly grabs a hold and will not let go. My regards to you and your family, I hope your step sons find some light in this world of darkness.

I'm going to pray for the whole family. Such a difficult situation. One doesnt want to be walked on or enable, but neither writing people off, giving them over to the dark side and cia that literally recruit children, angels, when they hit their pre teens or teen age, its all from our leaders, the cia runs the drug trade, they're the dealers, or their minions, and they play it, in our towns. I can tell you stories of busting their butts with my friend.

But I believe in healing, in helping. All I can do is give an example. We took someone into our home who was going to turn 19 from the ministry care, who is difficult, his own angst, and damage done in the broken up family and bad situation, makes him ruin his other options and homes he's stayed in. They wanted him to go to Vancouver, possibly end up on the street, sweep him under the carpet so to speak. I knew we were going to be having difficulties. Thankfully not meth that we know of, other stuff, but they grab butts, smoke, whatever. They is because it meant a constant stream of friends came over, and some are staying here too unofficially. Some of our games disappeared I have talks with all of them, about the world, about being heros in their lives, about deciding on life plans.

This, the hero, the christ energy:


Be Water My Friend! - Bruce Lee Remix

They have no real future. The gov, PTB are creating black market kids, though they might get jobs in mcdonalds. Most of them are beautiful first nations children, that will put them at a disadvantage for some jobs. Most are attending alternate schools part time, or most of the time, and I'm always bringing up school and for them to get all the free training in skills they can.

Now, we're basically struggling ourselves before this and now even more. But, its time to start small businesses.

My idea of whether they're going to make messes of their lives, not that it would be them doing it, or whether they can help themselves more, is to free them from the systems traps if possible.

So, my kids are putting out job resumes, soon, sending for Social insurance number for my son's that is lost, and working on this, and going to nudge, nudge, nudge.

I told them I loved them all, tell them we're strapped for resources, share past, about drug scenes with a friends grandson, crooked cops, dark side running this trap for people.

Price of rents.

We're starting a small business and will grow into a few for all the boys. Between that in the next year or 3 or more, and work that can be done, intend to see them setting goals like trucks, tiny homes on wheels, learning how to work, and other than that, I seek for answers and pray for them in my heart, and meditate, on the Be Water My Friend.

But I don't give up on people, though don't want to be used by druggies. Things like that stop. Its at this age, with all of them under 19, that its kind of critical.

Edit to add: One day I had a vision, it was cloudy and I wasn't feeling well, when suddenly the sun shone as it was setting, and I was uplifted from within, and everywhere around me was a fuzzy loving glowy blessed, the word blessed came, ground. I was like No Way! And it kept coming. You have these kids, off the street, playing bad games, but off the street, they're safe, they know they're loved unconditionally, and they're safe, not getting into trouble. Now the next step, how to create little flows of businesses, learn some woodworking, electronics, make stuff. They're already learning that in their schools.

Originally posted by fnpmitchreturns
stopping the enabling is a good thing but if you force them to move out then you have zero control and more important "influence" ...... kicking them to the curb is not helping them ..... dealing with inter-family problems is a real problem......

Thank you but you might want to read my other posts in the thread as we don't disagree entirely.

Though I have relative inter-family stability now, I'm quite exposed to and experienced in inter-family problems and moving through them and getting to the other side. Otherwise this topic wouldn't have meant as much to me. Despite what the OP may feel about my commentary, it truly does come from a place of understanding and empathy more than they are probably prepared to recognize right now.

reply to post by openyourmind1262
You know I have been clean and sober for 26 years and I would still be using if I blamed everyone else but me. Staying clean starts with me, I can go to rehab and get all the advice from all the programs out there, and still isn't going to get and keep me clean, unless I am ready (hit bottom as they say) but if I don't put one foot in front of the other then I'm not going anywhere. The hardest step in any journey is the first step. It sounds to me that the op and his wife have done all they could and have hit their bottom with there sons and it is time to move on. The moving on part isn't easy but must be done, in order to matain your own sanity. It sounds to me like the op loves his boys more then they love themselves.

@ OpenYourMind -

This is not a flame, merely questions;

First I must say, terrible situation you are in; your rant would be more justified with
less venom towards your step sons and more directed towards the drug that steals
the life of our loved ones essentially turning them into scocietal vampires.
Your 'feedback' would be less obtrusive towards your plight.

1.) When your first step son encountered this addiction - you do realize that the mothers
enabling kept you from being the person you described yourself as wishing to appear;
so the question is how did you justify knowing one son's addiction is being enabled, how
would that not show the other two son's this action was allowed..?

2.) Most drug addicts are not responsive to scocieties laws so I assume you allowed it
to continue without aid from the police athourities - in other words - why did you allow them
to steal from you without involving the police and teaching all involved a very much needed lesson..?

3.) Why did you not have your grand~daughter brought to child welfare where you and your wife can gain adoption if you really feel that childs life is threatened by its parents drug addicted life style..?

4.) What will you do if and when your wife caves into her sons and continues to let them destroy your lives..?

As I ascertained from your 'rant' and please correct me if I'm wrong - you have two additional children with your wife that are from your direct marriage union!?!

5.) How will you handle the situation "if one or both" of these children grow up and follow
the footsteps of their elder step siblings..?

reply to post by openyourmind1262


I have to say man.. you are saying your wife was addicted to drugs, but she was worthy of helping out and the kids aren't? I mean you should understand addiction if you went through helping one out and also understand how the kids went that direction if their mother was a narcotic addict.

reply to post by AwakeinNM


That is not true. Narcotics anonymous is for drug users.

reply to post by openyourmind1262


It's not a choice. Using the drug is a choice, but the effect and change it causes goes way beyond choices.
If it was a choice then you wouldn't see people do complete 180's. I have seen people that it would tear there heart out to steal, they get hooked on drugs, and they change in a drastic almost unexplainable way.

OP, you are right to get it out of your system. I'm related to four heroin addicts and choose to have minimum contact. When I did not have the choice to get away I drove myself round the bend alternatey helping them and defending myself. Now it's just a cup of tea and chit chat.

Originally posted by GogoVicMorrow
reply to post by openyourmind1262

 

I have to say man.. you are saying your wife was addicted to drugs, but she was worthy of helping out and the kids aren't? I mean you should understand addiction if you went through helping one out and also understand how the kids went that direction if their mother was a narcotic addict.

His Wife was not an addict. She was married to the BIO father, of the OP's 3 step sons, who was an addict. The OP's Wife left the addict with her sons, to get all of them away from the addict BIO father.

Des

I don't know many young men in their twenties who AREN'T addicts....prescription pharmaceuticals, video games, and porn being their fave drugs of choice.

Stepdad, it's not YOUR fault, and it's not your lovely wife's fault. Many young men are tuning out in this generation and it's a sad sight to see, but you didn't do anything to cause their dysfunction.

Stay strong, stay with your wife, help her through the inevitable process of self-blame that she will be going through; try to show her IT'S NOT HER FAULT.

People make choices.

These days, it's far too easy to make really ROTTEN choices. We have a lost generation of people ages 17 through 30. Nobody wants to talk about it. It's taboo. But it's FAR FROM UNCOMMON to be going through this in a close family situation.

WISHING YOU AND YOUR WIFE ALL THE BEST!

PS: And to the young men on this forum, prove the original poster -- and me -- wrong; post something based in compassion, empathy, and intelligence; we'd love to hear from you! Why do you think so many other young people are tuning out? Do you have any ideas, suggestions, recommendations? How can older folks best help you and encourage you? You have so many advantages, so many things going for you; how can we ENHANCE that? Or is it nothing to do with us -- and everything to do with free will and personal choice? (As I suspect.)

reply to post by GmoS719


Of course blame the parents. Or in this case the Mom. Always.
Thats why no one takes responsibility for their own actions these days. Its always someone elses fault. Never their fault. Shame shame.
I came from an abusive home where I was beaten and burned. I have three children and I have never raised a hand to any of them. I could have been a real bad Mom and blame my actions on my own mother but I am responsible for what my mind and my hands do not my mother. Me alone controls what I do with my hands with my mind. I control my actions. My mother never resided within my body to control my actions. She never could. I could have lived in pity for myself and fear but I chose a different path. I chose responsibility and that is the way it will always be. If my kids turn out f'd up that will be their own doing.
You get kids that come from perfect homes that still mess up their lives because they make their own bad choices. Take responsibility for yourself and let others do the same.

reply to post by GmoS719


Sure there was. Go back and read again. He said several times that he loves their mother.

reply to post by LipstickMystic

Let me ask you something: If you have/had a child, do you/will you claim any part of being a positive influence in the path their life took?

dont blame you for being at the end of your rope . they arent even blood so cut them loose & call it good

Originally posted by ErgoTheConclusion
reply to post by LipstickMystic

 

Let me ask you something: If you have/had a child, do you/will you claim any part of being a positive influence in the path their life took?

Exactly. Funny when kids turn out good, the parent says, "I did something right!", but when the kids turn out bad, it's totally on the kid's shoulders. The truth is, a kid can start out on the wrong path when they are 9, 10, 11 years old, when they really aren't capable of making a mature decision. Once on the wrong path, it's possible, but very difficult to get off that path, even into adulthood. Proper parental involvement can prevent that kid from ever going on that path, or can turn that 10-year old around before those bad habits get too ingrained.

I believe if you've done all you can as a parent and your kids don't care enough about anybody but themselves....time to move on. They are adults and it's not the parents job to babysit for their entire time on this earth. Stealing and disrepspecting the ones that gave them everything they needed? I mean if Jeffery Dalhmer was my son, I'd leave him to rot. There are bad people in this world and just because you're related to them doesn't mean you have to accept whom they have become.
Props to you taking care of them and loving them and not even being their biological parent? I think the whole Y generation on are pretty much lazy and think they are entitled to everything. (that is a generalization, I'm sure there are PLENTY of decent gen Y's out there) You shared some private and controversial material, of course some are going to disagree....dust 'em off and move on with your lives.

Originally posted by Hr2burn
I think the whole Y generation on are pretty much lazy and think they are entitled to everything.

Look... really think about this attitude.

Do those who stare at the "gen Y" and say "how awful and lazy you all are!" think that they all just appeared here on this planet as a sperm and egg with the intent of being lazy and entitled?

WHERE/WHO did they get these ideas from? Who made it so they COULD continue to be lazy and entitled and still make it through life? Who set the example for them to mimic?

If an entire generation turns out "bad" by their early 20's... do you think it's that generation or the generation that raised that generation that is honestly going to have been the biggest responsibility for setting and sustaining that path?

The truth is GenY is going to be amazing by the time they are grandparents because they are already having to learn to undo the impact of the "Boomers and their kids" who wanted nothing more than to make it "better for their kids so they won't have to suffer like they did". Another way to put that is "so they don't have to learn like they did."

Well guess what... we did it. We made a world where kids don't have to try, kids can have everything they want, and there aren't any real demands on them to get them. Not as a whole. So now we have kids who don't want to try and want everything they want now. Because that's what we gave them. What else should we expect? That's exactly the society WE made and gave to THEM.

We are a product of our choices, time ("genX" here), *and* parents as much as they are a product of theirs.

A generation doesn't spontaneously reject their parents teaching from birth and set a new path. They continue the path their parents have already started long ago and make their own changes along the way if they can. But they don't get to start really making their changes to the society path itself until well into adulthood and usually only once the previous generation has ceased dominating the tone.

Originally posted by Hr2burn
I think the whole Y generation on are pretty much lazy and think they are entitled to everything.

But do you really think they got that way all on their own? I see kids now, turning 16, and their parents are buying them brand new cars. When I was 14 and starting to babysit, my mom told me that I was going to want a car in a couple of years, and I better start saving now, because I was going to have to buy my own car. She even took me down to a used car lot to look at the cars and their prices, so I could see first-hand how much money I was going to need to save. You darn-tootin' I saved every bit of my money, and bought my own used car by the time I was 17. Kid now-a-days feel entitled because most of them have led entitled lives.