An Open Letter to My Three Step-Sons, The Truth Hurts.

I tried to be the dad you all did not have.

reply to post by openyourmind1262


Big mistake right there.
Be a friend first. Try to be a dad right off the bat? Big mistake

Originally posted by cody599
Big mistake right there.
Be a friend first. Try to be a dad right off the bat? Big mistake

Didn't think to comment on that but spot on and couldn't agree more. My dad tried to be the "dad they never had" to my step siblings. He's still fighting all of them 30 years later.

My step dad was my friend in my teens (and my dad in secret with my mom). He became my additional dad in my 20's when I could fully see him for what he had really been doing for me through those years I was working through my own addictions.

Interesting note: The father that has dealt best with the kid with addictions which is also the kid that isn't destroying himself with them anymore... is the father who had experienced addiction himself.

One issue in our world is people who have never experienced something being given a single moment of credibility when discussing how those who have experienced it should deal with it. That's the most irrational and absurd concept possible when you really look at it.

We're also terrified of letting people knowingly make mistakes and learn from them. We keep trying to make some sort of world where nobody ever has to learn from any mistake ever. Which is of course going to continue creating a progressively more stupid/blind society incapable of dealing with ANY unexpected or challenging situation themselves.

Here is literally what is happening when those who have never personally worked through an addiction are trying to talk to those who have/are (regardless of the situation that got them there):

"I've never dove off any cliff... but I have some suggestions for your cliff dive currently in progress."

You think it's going to go well?

I'm sure I am going to catch flak for saying it because this is going against the opinion of several people commenting in this thread, but I think you did all you could do. There has to be a point where you admit enough is enough. If they are at the point where they are breaking in, stealing stuff to sell and looking for your guns they have made thier choice, and that choice is they love the habit more than they care for your well being.

It hurts, but you did what needed to be done. You can't help someone that does not want to be helped. I am saddened by how many people blame and point the finger at everyone else except themselves for the ills of thier life. They have nobody to blame but themselves for continuing the path of destruction that they are leading. Too many people in this day and age have a mindset that they can pass the blame and point a finger for all the things they do wrong at somebody or something else. It wasn't my fault, it was dad's, mom's, environment's, police, neighbor's, or the dog down the street's fault. It is called taking responsibility for your self, your actions, and your choices and in today's world not many seem to do that anymore.

I do think you should do whatever you can to get your granddaughter out of the situation as bad as it sounds. If you need to get child services involved then that is something you need to do. Make it clear that the child can stay with you until they get thier act together.

I won't pass judgement on you for blowing off some steam, it is something we all do to avoid imploding. I do hope that your stepsons realize the hurt that thier addictions have caused and voluntarily get on a path to recovery before it really is too late.

Addiction is a scary thing, can turn people into monsters.
I've lost some very good friends to those nasty drugs.

Can't force someone to appreciate the life they have... Unless you lock them in an underground amusement park filled with torture traps and a little clown riding a bicycle.

Wish you the best OP - hope you draw the line for yourself and your wife... In the end people have to help themselves unlock the death mask.

/end 2 cents & Saw references

Originally posted by FlySolo
meth - a hellava drug.

Tough love all the way. Don't listen to the bleeding hearts condemning you for the rant, they're enablers.

Yes, enablers or defensive about wanting someone to enable them for something.....

Originally posted by openyourmind1262
reply to post by Evil_Santa

 

Again, she did not do drugs. She is a college graduate. For the record. there's I's because it's MY RANT. And understand something real clear. I don't rescue people nor do I have a complex about it. I help those who WANT to help them selves. It would be no different that of it was my two blood children. I /we would still take this stance.

There comes a point to where enough is enough, a breaking point. We have reached ours. And IMHO we all have a breaking point. We will not participate any longer. It bad enough you go on here to simply vent, vent about a real problem with lives at stake. And be lambasted as not doing eoungh. No, we've done more than enough. No more enableing on our parts. If you've never been faced with putting your kids out of your life because of these problems, you have no idea the amount of guilt you have to get over. I would not wish problems like this on my own worse enemy.

Nor would I wish them on some one with your attitude toward these problems.

edit on 1-2-2013 by openyourmind1262 because: (no reason given)

Stand your ground, some people have NO idea how it feels to be used, used up, and unappreciated......usually users do not like to see anyone in their position being held accountable either, so they freak out and get defensive.

I am SOOO sick of selfish whiny drug addicts..... with their poor me victim attitudes.

I probably came from one of the worst childhoods ever, but I never became an addict or a user, I became one of the most independent people I know.

Their type of selfishness is a choice, not a result.

and you have every right to rant on a completely annonymus forum! Geeze!

Originally posted by Evil_Santa

Don't you dare try to make me feel guilty for my past. I have spent years holding that guilt inside, have finally learned how-to let go of it in healthy ways, and look towards the future of making responsible choices.

You don't seem like you have let go of one ounce of guilt, you are one of the most defensive people I have seen. You are personalizing everything, and can't accept that not everyone is you....

I think you are still on a long long road to healthy unfortunately....

reply to post by openyourmind1262



I'm sure they gave a rat's ass about this....

reply to post by hidingthistime

Do you think there are people in here suggesting this person shouldn't have stopped enabling those kids?

Because if you do then you need to re-read those posts that lead you to that opinion and try to understand what is really being said.

Stopping enabling is the first step to recovery. It's a difficult step to be proud of but at the same time "congrats" for doing what is a parent's responsibility from the start. Truth hurts.

There is more going on in this story as the OP has advertised via their approach to the thread and followup responses... and that is what is being responded to as would be expected on a forum thread.

EDIT: Different way to put it: What *exactly* are you suggesting the OP stand their ground against? What accusation or "suggestion" being put towards the OP is it that you feel needs to be rejected?

I sure hope you can get through to them, the world needs less addicts. Hope the best for you and wife, in my opinion the boys will come around, maybe not 100% clean, do not ever believe that they are, but inspirations are powerful and all over the place.

reply to post by openyourmind1262

It became a disease when the insurance companies lobbied for it to be.

Insurance companies loose money from drug addicts. Do you not know how expensive rehab is? Why would they lobby to pay for more things? : They lobby to pay for less, not more.

reply to post by hidingthistime


You should read through the rest of my posts in this thread before passing judgement. The anger I felt at his statement was directed at the fact that he was telling me how to feel after sharing my past with him. No one has the right to tell another how-to feel in any circumstance. It's an absolute violation of that person's boundaries and shows zero respect from the person who is violating them.

Am i a totally healthy individual now? No, and I am looking at about another 40 - 80 sessions of neurofeedback to fix the parietal region of my brain, and doing some targeted training to improve cohesion between the left/right hemispheres. Am I in a better position then I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, even 1 year ago? You're damn right I am.

And c'mon, you accuse me of "thinking that everyone is just like me" when your previous post contains the following information -

Originally posted by hidingthistime I probably came from one of the worst childhoods ever, but I never became an addict or a user, I became one of the most independent people I know.

Not everyone is like you... have some empathy.

Originally posted by WaterBottle
reply to post by openyourmind1262

 

It became a disease when the insurance companies lobbied for it to be.

Insurance companies loose money from drug addicts. Do you not know how expensive rehab is? Why would they lobby to pay for more things?

: They lobby to pay for less, not more.

edit on 2-2-2013 by WaterBottle because: (no reason given)

My insurance was paying out $1,300 per day that I was in in-patient. $18,200 over a 2 week period with zero results. Neurofeedback has cost me $7,000 so far and the results keep piling up. (It still puzzles me that neurofeedback is not covered by insurance companies)

Ironically I didn't even want to go into inpatient, was there for a free evaulation for out-patient therapy, but was threatened with either voluntary check-in or they would get the state to do it as i had suffered with suicidal ideations since the age of 7. The last couple of months are the first in my life that I can recall not imagining swerving my car into an oncoming semi for a quick "out".

reply to post by openyourmind1262


I understand where your coming from. My long tome fiancée of 21 years has some similar family issues. I more than understand how a mothers love can enable a person. The thing that gets me is that they don't even try to help themselves but depend on others to do the work they need to do to deal with life's problems.

The sad fact is that often the abuse of hard drugs and alcohol leads people into places that they don't know how to get away from. You can send them to rehab but it is up to them to get straight...... or less crooked so they can deal with their dependency in a logical way.

This is about personal responsibility .... IMO

Here at my home the step son and wife living with us are 40 years old. I really don't want them living here because I got with their mother to have a life with her not to have adult children who party and blow all of their money. I don't know the answer but I do know that having them here we can effect their behavior "somewhat". I would rather do this than have them living in the street or with some of their friends.

However, they don't get it ...... that is why I am prepping to move to Colorado in the spring. I have given them long enough to pull their head out of their ass. They are so blind they don't see how they are pulling their mother down. I will not do it anymore. I love their mother. However, I am not willing to inherent them and I can see that they will never change.

I don't know the answer but what I do know is that "I have had enough!"

Originally posted by Evil_Santa
reply to post by hidingthistime

 

You should read through the rest of my posts in this thread before passing judgement. The anger I felt at his statement was directed at the fact that he was telling me how to feel after sharing my past with him. No one has the right to tell another how-to feel in any circumstance. It's an absolute violation of that person's boundaries and shows zero respect from the person who is violating them.

Am i a totally healthy individual now? No, and I am looking at about another 40 - 80 sessions of neurofeedback to fix the parietal region of my brain, and doing some targeted training to improve cohesion between the left/right hemispheres. Am I in a better position then I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, even 1 year ago? You're damn right I am.

And c'mon, you accuse me of "thinking that everyone is just like me" when your previous post contains the following information -

Originally posted by hidingthistime I probably came from one of the worst childhoods ever, but I never became an addict or a user, I became one of the most independent people I know.

Not everyone is like you... have some empathy.

edit on 2-2-2013 by Evil_Santa because: (no reason given)

edit on 2-2-2013 by Evil_Santa because: (no reason given)

edit on 2-2-2013 by Evil_Santa because: (no reason given)

being sexually abused by a brother and cousin when I was 9 sent me on a path which has been lonely, interesting, informational, rebellious and through drug addiction ..... I will not lie, it took me 30 years to deal with it on my own. I found out that I am just too cheap to be a hard drug addict LMAO but true ..... The distrust I developed has opened my eyes to a world of corruption few people outside ATS understand. The amount of systemic corruption in the US is amazing but unless your "trust" has been so violated that it removes those false ideas about trust ones eyes will never open fully to the corruption surrounding us.

Originally posted by ErgoTheConclusion
reply to post by hidingthistime

 

Do you think there are people in here suggesting this person shouldn't have stopped enabling those kids?

Because if you do then you need to re-read those posts that lead you to that opinion and try to understand what is really being said.

Stopping enabling is the first step to recovery. It's a difficult step to be proud of but at the same time "congrats" for doing what is a parent's responsibility from the start. Truth hurts.

There is more going on in this story as the OP has advertised via their approach to the thread and followup responses... and that is what is being responded to as would be expected on a forum thread.

EDIT: Different way to put it: What *exactly* are you suggesting the OP stand their ground against? What accusation or "suggestion" being put towards the OP is it that you feel needs to be rejected?

edit on 2-2-2013 by ErgoTheConclusion because: (no reason given)

stopping the enabling is a good thing but if you force them to move out then you have zero control and more important "influence" ...... kicking them to the curb is not helping them ..... dealing with inter-family problems is a real problem......

Sometimes when all else has failed you just have to vent.
I'm glad you were able to get it off your chest, kids grow up and make their own decisions, nothing you can do about it.
I have known kids who were from stable loving families that got to college and met that one wrong person and the drug addiction was started. Not the families fault, but they were the ones who suffered the most.
I have also known a couple of people who grew up in an abusive family where alcohol use and mild drug use was the norm, neither of those kids drink or use drugs today.
You can condition your kids all you want, you can love them unconditionally, but if they meet that one bad influence.... it only takes once.
Sorry for your pain but sometimes open letters that you know will not be read by the ones written about actually help even if only for a while.
Hope your stepsons wake up before they kill themselves or someone else.

reply to post by GmoS719


There comes a time in your life when everything is your fault. You can't blame your parents forever. Are they gonna get to 40, still be junkies, and it's still the parents fault?

Get real. Parents have a window to teach their kids things. If that goes badly and they don't turn out well then, yes, the parents have a part of the blame, but when you are an adult you are entirely responsible for your own actions - NOBODY ELSE.

OP - It sounds lime you tried to help them and good on you for sticking by your wife. Ignore the people on here hurling abuse at you because, as you probably know, there's only so much you can do for adults if they don't care or don't realize they have a problem.

TL;dr don't be a junkie for life and expect others to take responsibility for it

Peace

reply to post by fnpmitchreturns


So you would just keep them in your house after they refused to stop?
Three grown adult males strung out on Meth and you would try to keep them in your house believeing you would stop their drug abuse?
Would you lock them in a room?
If you let them out of the house they will run straight to the dealer.
The user has to want help, has to seek help.
Unless you are Dr.Phil, you arent going to be properly prepared to deal with someone like this let alone three of them.
I would find having three meth addicts in my house very unnerving, jsut waiting for that one night i went to bed and one of them decided that it weas time to knock off the old man.
Best place for these three kids is Prison where they cant hurt innocent people.

just a sidenote....
My daughter was a 4.0 student all through school until the end of her sophmore year.
She started running around with a new friend and the grades plummetted, she started lying constantly and sneaking out of the house late at night.
She barely graduated High School and has now been kicked out of 4 different Universities for failure to attend classes and receiving failing standards.
She doesnt do drugs, she lives with friends and doesnt cause problems but her life is stagnant and going nowhere.
Highly intelligent girl with zero ambition.
So, do i get credit for raising the child that was absolutely perfect through the age of 16.5, or am i responsible for the actions of the girl after she met the wrong person?
Personally, i believe you dont get credit for either.
As long as you do your best, your child is their own person and there is nothing you can do about it.
Once they are 18, if they deserve to stay at home for whatever reason then thats the parents choice, but if not, show them the door.
If they dont respect your rules before they turn 18, they definitley wont after.

So, in summary... I believe the venting is the best thing the writer could do.
Stay with the wife, enjoy your life and completely disconnect from the three sons.
Tell them to stay away and dont bother coming around until they straighten up.
Life is too short to waste on people who are this far gone.