An Open Letter to My Three Step-Sons, The Truth Hurts.

It seems like they weren`t raised right but that`s irrelevant now that they are adults. They are adults and the mother has no obligation or duty to be victimized by their criminal actions just because she is their mother.

Originally posted by Daemonicon
Have you actually tried helping them beat their addiction?

If not, then you have ZERO room to complain about anything.

Either way, it's VERY cowardice of you to bash 3 drug addicted adults anonymously on the internet. Grow a set and be the example you are claiming to be.

meh, you're over reacting. It's called blowing steam and no one has had their identity revealed.

reply to post by GmoS719


Where does it say the wife was addicted to drug? He takes her to meeting for family members of drug users.

My stance has and allways will be addiction is a damn choice and not a disease. It became a disease when the insurance companies lobbied for it to be. My wife, their mother is not now nor has never been a drug user. she drinks two glasse's of wine after dinner, three days a week. She took her three son's and left a drug addict. She worked hard, bought them a home, gave them the life he did not.

To say she's a bad mom is not knowing her. To say there's no love in this post is some what accurate. They the three son's have about used it all up. But we do love them. But we have to take the stance we have. We have done all we can do, we've done the re-hab route, with two of them. Nothing whatsoever came from it, nothing. We are very tired of being painted the bad guys, bad parents, because that's just BS. There problems are ours any longer, their grown arse men, start acting like it.

And to the jerk who said she probally taking ME for all I have as well, dude, my wife earns about three times what I do. She is a direct result as to why I am in business for myself and it's a successfull one at that. Why? Because she created the business model. And runs the finance end. This rant is for me to vent, are they members of this site, what the hell do you think after the pic I painted of their lives. Get real. I had to vent, this is where I vent.

I know some of you reading this could pprobally trade places with my wife & I and not even see a difference. And some of you think I'm the biggest arse hole east of the Mississippi. That's o.k... I don't mind. You all have'nt been living in it.

reply to post by GmoS719


I will say it one more time for the SLOW readers. My wife, their mother has never used drugs, she took them away from the damn drug addict. read it slower.

reply to post by Daemonicon


Dear sir, it take's a coward to steal from the hand that feed's, clothes, and house you. Not go on a rant on the internet. As stated prior. This rant is for me. Because, different from some of you I actually respect the opinions of a lot of the members of this site. And was more than certain other members have the same problems. Because it's a hugh damn problem.

Originally posted by openyourmind1262
You all have'nt been living in it.

That is where you are wrong. You could be my father. I have watched (the kids are now in the 30's) as he spent most of his time on his step children and not with me. I understand why though, I don't hold it against him, and we continue to have a wonderful dynamic.

I have watched this dynamic, I have lived it, I have been affected by it, I know it deeply AND I know it from the vantage point of being able to see the parents too and what their part is in it.

OP: You know what you were feeling that motivated you to post this. That's my tough love to you... honestly face that and then maybe some new doorways will open for the rest to be different than they have before.

Originally posted by openyourmind1262
reply to post by Daemonicon

 

Dear sir, it take's a coward to steal from the hand that feed's, clothes, and house you. Not go on a rant on the internet. As stated prior. This rant is for me. Because, different from some of you I actually respect the opinions of a lot of the members of this site. And was more than certain other members have the same problems. Because it's a hugh damn problem.

edit on 1-2-2013 by openyourmind1262 because: (no reason given)

Salud to you man.
I agree with your stance.
Meth Addicts are already lost and gone, there is NO WAY to change thier ways yourself, it is entirely up to them. Don't waste your time man.
-Someday they will wake up to thier problems, and if not, oh well. It sounds like they need a slight dose of reality. (they ought to join the military, every single one of them)

Good luck to you man.
Stay strong.

OP is a narcissistc. Lots of I's in the OP point to this conclusion, in addition to lambasting your sons on a public internet forum. Did it feel good to spout off your step-sons issues to the world while sitting there and putting yourself up on some kind of pedestal?

Journals are for ranting, public internet forums are for sharing your thoughts with the world.

"Hurr Durr, you're all trash for X, Y, and Z, while your mother and I are saints because of A, B, and C".

Here's a bit of advice, you argue their mother did nothing wrong. She stayed with the drug-addicted father. She had 3 children that she wasn't emotionally ready to bring into the world and raise to be productive members of society. Last but not least, she hooked up with a guy who has a rescuer complex that wasn't met when he tried to rescue her sons as well.

Once you get over the need to rescues others to feel better about yourself, then you'll start to really get to know people on a level that you can help them.

There's more to this story than meets the eye, methinks. Maybe mom was busy working, so wasn't around the boys so much in their critical development stages. Not to say it's her fault, but that is a serious consequence when there is a lack of dedicated parenting.

I knew a woman who had two sons. She was a single, working mom. She was tired when she got home, so she didn't pay close enough attention to her boys and what they were involved in. Both boys got into serious trouble with drugs, alcohol, stealing, etc. The youngest boy went to go live with the father and his wife when he was around 12. The father and step-mother whipped that boy into shape pretty quick. How? They were VERY involved in his life. They made sure they knew exactly what he was doing, who he was with, and had no problem forbidding him from hanging out with bad influences. It was hard work, and took up a HUGE amount of their time and focus -- but it worked.

Once a kid grows up to being in their twenties, it's too late for the parents to have any affect. At that point, it's up to the kid/young adult to turn their life around. I would agree with the OP at this point, to cut their losses and break all ties with the kids -- unless the kids turn their lives around.

Originally posted by kaylaluv
There's more to this story than meets the eye, methinks. Maybe mom was busy working, so wasn't around the boys so much in their critical development stages. Not to say it's her fault, but that is a serious consequence when there is a lack of dedicated parenting.

I knew a woman who had two sons. She was a single, working mom. She was tired when she got home, so she didn't pay close enough attention to her boys and what they were involved in. Both boys got into serious trouble with drugs, alcohol, stealing, etc. The youngest boy went to go live with the father and his wife when he was around 12. The father and step-mother whipped that boy into shape pretty quick. How? They were VERY involved in his life. They made sure they knew exactly what he was doing, who he was with, and had no problem forbidding him from hanging out with bad influences. It was hard work, and took up a HUGE amount of their time and focus -- but it worked.

Once a kid grows up to being in their twenties, it's too late for the parents to have any affect. At that point, it's up to the kid/young adult to turn their life around. I would agree with the OP at this point, to cut their losses and break all ties with the kids -- unless the kids turn their lives around.

I disagree with this sentiment, even though you are completely accurate that their upbringing most likely left them with attachment disorders. Then again my research into my own issues (and addictions: video games, sex, ampehtamines, marijuana, and alcohol) has led me onto a path of treatment that's non-traditional.

OP: If you want to spend a lot of money, and it seems like it's not an issue, then put all 3 into a rehab clinic, in addition to funding them each to go through neurofeedback. You're looking at about $20,000 per individual, but it has about a 90% success rate.

Originally posted by Evil_Santa

OP: If you want to spend a lot of money, and it seems like it's not an issue, then put all 3 into a rehab clinic, in addition to funding them each to go through neurofeedback. You're looking at about $20,000 per individual, but it has about a 90% success rate.

Against their will?? Not going to work.

reply to post by Evil_Santa


Again, she did not do drugs. She is a college graduate. For the record. there's I's because it's MY RANT. And understand something real clear. I don't rescue people nor do I have a complex about it. I help those who WANT to help them selves. It would be no different that of it was my two blood children. I /we would still take this stance.

There comes a point to where enough is enough, a breaking point. We have reached ours. And IMHO we all have a breaking point. We will not participate any longer. It bad enough you go on here to simply vent, vent about a real problem with lives at stake. And be lambasted as not doing eoungh. No, we've done more than enough. No more enableing on our parts. If you've never been faced with putting your kids out of your life because of these problems, you have no idea the amount of guilt you have to get over. I would not wish problems like this on my own worse enemy.

Nor would I wish them on some one with your attitude toward these problems.

Originally posted by openyourmind1262
reply to post by Evil_Santa

 

Again, she did not do drugs. She is a college graduate. For the record. there's I's because it's MY RANT. And understand something real clear. I don't rescue people nor do I have a complex about it. I help those who WANT to help them selves. It would be no different that of it was my two blood children. I /we would still take this stance.

There comes a point to where enough is enough, a breaking point. We have reached ours. And IMHO we all have a breaking point. We will not participate any longer. It bad enough you go on here to simply vent, vent about a real problem with lives at stake. And be lambasted as not doing eoungh. No, we've done more than enough. No more enableing on our parts. If you've never been faced with putting your kids out of your life because of these problems, you have no idea the amount of guilt you have to get over. I would not wish problems like this on my own worse enemy.

Where - in any of my posts did I make the statement that she did drugs? My statement was that she choose to stay with, and have children, with someone who does drugs. She neglected her responsibility as a mother to choose a responsible individual to have children with.

Children are the gift we leave to the world when we die.

Yup, you were enabling them. Did you know better at the time? Most likely not, it's something that rescuers do subconsciously.

Do you know about the emptiness a person feels inside that drives them towards abusive behaviors in an effort to fill that void with something that gives them a meaning to get up and live every day? Do you know the guilt that person feels on the inside because they know that their actions are wrong, yet continue to commit wrongs against others in a desperate struggle to feel whole themselves? Then go back to the abusive behaviors in an effort to escape from that guilt? I do. You have tried to fix their problems, time and time again, while never trying to just understand what drives your sons issues. There's a reason for that - they don't trust you (or anyone else, including themselves) with that information. 20 years of psychotherapy, or 3 months of in-patient + neurofeedback are their only two real options. Well the third is to just die, which it looks like they're on a fast track towards anyways. There is always the one in a million chance they might have a "wake up" moment after an overdose, but given the details you have shared I rather doubt that's going to ever happen because the need to fill the void will overshadow the risk of death.

Let's see, I've pushed my mother - and her entire family - out of my life because of their issues, have a bad relationship with my father because of his issues in addition to my step-mom having the same personality as you, watched my sister struggle through overcoming methamphetamine addiction while losing her children to DHS multiple times, so the problems you're facing are not some kind of new avenue to me.


Oh and i stole thousands of dollars from my father in my late teens, drank 3 - 5 liters of liquor a week, smoked about 1/2 oz of marijuana a week, at one point was doing 10 - 20 pills of ecstasy a week, then there was the 40mg/day of adderall that was prescribed to me for awhile. Drugs work to fill the void, they really do, but they're a short-term solution to a more complex problem.

I can say that after 90 sessions of neurofeedback, that I can go to a bar and have a beer, only purchased 1 5th of liquor last year (Balvine Scotch) and it lasted me the entire year, and just smoke cigarettes now - which is next on my list to quit.

Parents waste their children's young adulthood blaming their children for their own long since passed follies as parents.

Then when the parents see the children become parents and watch it unfold all over again, they realize just how much of an impact the parent has on the adult the child becomes.

So they waste their children's parental years blaming them for not being good enough parents to their grandchildren.

reply to post by Evil_Santa


Help me to understand where you're coming from because you appear to be all over the place.

From your posts, you've obviously had your own addiction problems that you blame on your parents for not being there for you?

The OP was there for his stepkids and then you want to turn around and accuse him of being a "rescuer", therefore making him a narcissist?

Is there anything you won't blame on a parent or step parent?

What exactly are your parents' issues that keep you away from them to this day?

reply to post by kaylaluv


It would take me awhile to find the research, but I recall one study done on using neurofeedback to treat anti-social personality disorder ( a condition with a 5% treatment rate through drugs/psychotherapy ) on the guise it was a "brain exercise program".

Considering the OP also stated that they've paid for rehab twice, it would appear to me that a couple of them can admit they have issues and would like to try to overcome them, so it might not necessarily be against their will.

Originally posted by Deetermined
Is there anything you won't blame on a parent or step parent?

That's actually my question to the OP: Had the kids turned out well, would you feel good about yourself as a parent and feel you had done well?

I don't actually care what is written here, the only answer that matters is the answer you know is true when you hear the question.

reply to post by Evil_Santa


The easy out for all who get invloved in the fringe acts of society , like drug abuse, alcohol abuse, are their parents. It's the first ones they blame for their problems. My father was a alcoholic for most of my life, I don't drink, go figure. People make choices in life. These three have made these choice's own their own, no help from us. All by their little selves. Those who blame their parents for their life's problems are the real damn cowards in the world. We arent the catalyst to their drug addcition.

Sounds like you put your parents thru pure hell, how proud they must be of you now. Does any guilt as to how you did your parents ever creep into your mind? If not it damn well should.