You could say that I have been pushed to every possible edge of life. I am 30 years old, yet I feel like I am 50. I have seen many places in the world
through my own eyes. I have loved, I have hated, I have abused, and been abused. I have hurt people that loved me, and have been hurt by people that
I loved. I still have no idea if life holds a specific purpose for me.
Meeting you and having these feelings that I do grow into what it now has become is beyond my comprehension. My feelings for you are now spinning out
of my own control. When I started to work with and get to know you, I was intrigued by your strength and passion. I saw you for exactly what you are.
A young girl who knows what is right and wrong, and tries her best to make herself happy and do what she thinks is right. As I admired you from afar,
this plant had begun to take root without my own realization. A simple crush became a simple kiss. A simple grin became a passionate smile. Over two
months have passed now, and I can’t say that I see an end nearing.
As you already know in life, nothing is forever. Relationships take work, a lot of it. Passion fades away in time, the falling in love part loses its
strength, all we are left with is that person we hardly knew in the beginning and were curious about. This is the first test of love.
You have told me you have felt in love before. Do you think that you know what love is? I can honestly say after losing the one and only love I had
ever known, I do know what love is.
I know I scared you last night, with how much of a jerk I was acting like. I am not sorry for this. When my heart was broken for the first time, I did
not want to continue life. I will not let this happen to me again, I promise you that. I mean, I will do everything I possibly can to work for love.
If my heart gets broken again, I will definitely know I did what I could. I will not ever manipulate or abuse love again. I will be perfectly honest
all the time. If my words or actions cause you agony or pain, so be it. I finally know that love is not at all in my control, it is purely up to what
we call god. We all must still work and fight for love. You cannot reap a field that you didn’t sow.
I had given up on you last night, for a brief second. I wanted to let you walk right out of my life. I was protecting my heart, so I thought. I turned
around and began to pray. I prayed that your heart would unfreeze, and asked for help to allow you to feel what love is again. Yes, it sounds crazy to
claim that I know how you feel inside, the moment I stopped the prayer, was the moment our fight began to end.
I have some more serious things that I wanted to tell you. I’m actually realizing as I wrote that sentence that I don’t need to tell you any of it
now. You already know what I am going to say about you, what I fear about you, what I will need from you. I guess it isn’t quite time for any of
this, just know it will come at some point, whether you want to deal with it or not. It won’t be a choice.
I’m not trying to force an immediate issue here. I don’t want you to do anything that you don’t want to do. I understand where you are in your
life and the confusion that exists in your head each day. My only purpose and goal with you is to continue to try to make you happy. You need it very
badly. Your soul cries through your eyes, I see it every day.
I am sorry for saying that you are wrong for how you deal with your anger. I should not assume that just because I feel very strongly about something,
others should agree. Regardless of how I feel about it, I am willing to accept it, and learn how to work through it. We aren’t always going to agree
on every little thing about life. It helps, but isn’t totally necessary.
I still don’t totally understand why god has put you in my path. Was it to comfort you? Was it for me? It is very possible that both of us needed
something out of it. As I’ve always said since the beginning, I don’t know why you picked me. One thing I do know for sure is that you won’t
ever regret it.
(1/31/2013) What a good one that one was
Bless my ability to save my writings
edit on 31-1-2013 by sticky because: (no reason given)