Robot

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posted on Jan, 28 2013 @ 10:27 PM
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My heart is a bruised alloy.

My lips are welded shut.

My soul screams through a metal door.

No opportunity of free will.

The journeyman has engineered me alone.

I am a robot.

~nat~

Darkness sometimes comes within... I'm just literally crying through my poetry....this is the best way I know how to cry.
edit on 28-1-2013 by natalia because: (no reason given)

Thank you for letting me share.
Indeed positivity will arrive
edit on 28-1-2013 by natalia because: (no reason given)




posted on Jan, 29 2013 @ 08:45 AM
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Indeed positivity will arrive for you my friend. Another well written lovely story



posted on Jan, 29 2013 @ 09:05 AM
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Originally posted by TheDoctor46
Indeed positivity will arrive for you my friend. Another well written lovely story


Positivity has to arrive, and soon my friend.

Thank you for your kind words


Peace and love
-nat



posted on Jan, 29 2013 @ 11:41 PM
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I don't say this very often, but that was a good poem! I truly enjoyed it. It's direct and straight to the point. And yet, it is very concrete and descriptive. I keep trying to picture in my head what a bruised alloy in the shape of a heart might look like. That's what makes good imagery.

Ending the poem with that line "I am a robot" is really great. This is what poets call the "vertical movement." It's where the poem just leaps into the air with a profound realization. It's that "AH HA! Eureka!" moment of the poem...which is usually the last line. "I am a robot" works so well because at this point we expect the narrator to confess some big secret or express some hidden emotion, but the reader gets a brutally honest twist, "I am a robot" --a robot and nothing more, nothing else to say. Very effective!

As effective as the last line is, I love the contrast it makes with the line "My soul screams through a metal door." This is where you hint that "yes!" something is in there that isn't mechanical...there is something living and aching inside that metal shell. Interesting choice in adding "door" to that line. It suggests that there MAY be a way to let it out, but the robot doesn't realize it.

Overall, I am very impressed with the way this poem turned out. You have all the essential elements of a good poem:

You have the directness of the language instead of getting sidetracked by useless details

You have the concrete descriptions "My lips are welded shut"...those 5 words say A LOT in the context of the entire poem. We know that the robot has a mouth, but cannot speak or be heard. Isn't it ironic that a robot would have a mouth only to become welded shut? We assume that the robot should be able to express itself because it was built with a mouth, but for some unknown reason, it can't. Very powerful statement.

You have the vertical movement You almost start to hint at some character development. It's there, but it's subtle. The reader knows that the soul screams, but the welded lips can't. We know there is some unfulfilled desire there. The robot IS expressing itself by describing what makes it a robot. It takes a sad turn when it assumes that it has no free will because it was created by the journeyman. And after all is said and done. It seems to just accept that it is a robot; not realizing that the screaming soul makes it something more.

There is only 1 thing this poem is missing! The poem doesn't have a TITLE! Titles may not seem important but they most definitely are. The title can make a comment about the poem that isn't in the poem itself. It can clarify something, it can set the stage. The title should never be found in the poem though. For example, don't just title the poem "I am a robot" because that is already being said in the poem. The title gives you a chance to add another detail to the poem, another facet to the gem. Sometimes the title can even act like the first line, or first few words of the poem. NEVER leave the poem untitled. Make good use of that special space.

Poems don't have to be long and complicated to be effective and profound. All they have to do is come from a place of honesty within the author. Brava!
edit on 29-1-2013 by NarcolepticBuddha because: (no reason given)



posted on Jan, 29 2013 @ 11:49 PM
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reply to post by NarcolepticBuddha
 


Oh my goodness, that made me almost tear up my friend.

Wow, thanks a lot. I really didn't expect a comment like that at all.

My heart is racing and skipping with delight.

So thoughtful in your words....I know you have stated before that you took classes on writing and I thank you very much for your input.

Peace and love
-nat



posted on Jan, 30 2013 @ 12:01 AM
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Originally posted by natalia
reply to post by NarcolepticBuddha
 

Wow, thanks a lot. I really didn't expect a comment like that at all.

I know you have stated before that you took classes on writing and I thank you very much for your input.

Peace and love
-nat


Trust me, when a poem is good...I will dissect the heck out of it!


I have read enough good AND bad poems that I can tell almost immediately which one I'm looking at. I did read your poem through several times (as I do any poem) and all the details just started to click together. And see, you didn't even have to think about all those details, right? When you are honest in your expressions...all the information will just start flooding out.

Good job, and keep on writing, always! And keep a few of my comments in mind for future poems. And remember, don't worry about what the audience might think or say, don't worry about whether it's good or not, or whether it will be understood.

Just write what you feel, but make sure you show it with details and metaphors. "My lips are welded shut" is a great line because it shows what this robot's mouth looks--we can picture what welded lips look like-- AND it says so much about the robot as well.

I will keep an eye out for your future poems.
edit on 30-1-2013 by NarcolepticBuddha because: (no reason given)



posted on Jan, 30 2013 @ 02:01 AM
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reply to post by natalia
 


By the way. I changed my avatar in honor of your poem.
I tried to find an image that reflected the content of your words.



posted on Jan, 30 2013 @ 01:42 PM
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Originally posted by NarcolepticBuddha
reply to post by natalia
 


By the way. I changed my avatar in honor of your poem.
I tried to find an image that reflected the content of your words.


That's flipping awesome!! How thoughtful and really cool!

I noticed your avatar had changed, but didn't know you had done it for my poem.

Thanks friend! And that's what I really look like...weird...


Peace and love
~nat
edit on 30-1-2013 by natalia because: (no reason given)



posted on Feb, 2 2013 @ 01:45 PM
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reply to post by natalia
 


I love it in a sad sorta way


S & F

Keep em coming k?



posted on Feb, 2 2013 @ 05:27 PM
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Originally posted by SLAYER69
reply to post by natalia
 


I love it in a sad sorta way


S & F

Keep em coming k?



I write how I feel, and getting a few pointers from my friend narcolepticbuddah really helped.

I keep writing, and I want to post, but I feel scared.

Thanks for a s&f but for some reason my flags stay at 0. Which honestly doesn't bother me, I just like the stars because it helps me know that someone did read it and liked what I said.

Have a lovely day or evening where ever you are in the world.

Peace and love slayer69
-nat





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