I don't say this very often, but that was a good poem! I truly enjoyed it. It's direct and straight to the point. And yet, it is very concrete and
descriptive. I keep trying to picture in my head what a bruised alloy in the shape of a heart might look like. That's what makes good imagery.
Ending the poem with that line "I am a robot" is really great. This is what poets call the "vertical movement." It's where the poem just leaps into
the air with a profound realization. It's that "AH HA! Eureka!" moment of the poem...which is usually the last line. "I am a robot" works so well
because at this point we expect the narrator to confess some big secret or express some hidden emotion, but the reader gets a brutally honest twist,
"I am a robot" --a robot and nothing more, nothing else to say. Very effective!
As effective as the last line is, I love the contrast it makes with the line "My soul screams through a metal door." This is where you hint that
"yes!" something is in there that isn't mechanical...there is something living and aching inside that metal shell. Interesting choice in adding "door"
to that line. It suggests that there MAY be a way to let it out, but the robot doesn't realize it.
Overall, I am very impressed with the way this poem turned out. You have all the essential elements of a good poem:
You have the directness of the language
instead of getting sidetracked by useless details
You have the concrete descriptions
"My lips are welded shut"...those 5 words say A LOT in the context of the entire poem. We know that the
robot has a mouth, but cannot speak or be heard. Isn't it ironic that a robot would have a mouth only to become welded shut? We assume that the robot
should be able to express itself because it was built with a mouth, but for some unknown reason, it can't. Very powerful statement.
You have the vertical movement
You almost start to hint at some character development. It's there, but it's subtle. The reader knows that the
soul screams, but the welded lips can't. We know there is some unfulfilled desire there. The robot IS expressing itself by describing what makes it a
robot. It takes a sad turn when it assumes that it has no free will because it was created by the journeyman. And after all is said and done. It seems
to just accept that it is a robot; not realizing that the screaming soul makes it something more.
There is only 1 thing this poem is missing!
The poem doesn't have a TITLE! Titles may not seem important but they most definitely are. The
title can make a comment about the poem that isn't in the poem itself. It can clarify something, it can set the stage. The title should never be found
in the poem though. For example, don't just title the poem "I am a robot" because that is already being said in the poem. The title gives you a chance
to add another detail to the poem, another facet to the gem. Sometimes the title can even act like the first line, or first few words of the poem.
NEVER leave the poem untitled. Make good use of that special space.
Poems don't have to be long and complicated to be effective and profound. All they have to do is come from a place of honesty within the author.
edit on 29-1-2013 by NarcolepticBuddha because: (no reason given)