I may have no other choice...

reply to post by fictitious


No birth control. Her and I both share the same opinions when it comes to meds in general... We choose not to use pharmaceuticals, get immunizations, etc. We discussed birth control early on in the relationship and she basically stated the same reasons as you just did, saying that it messes with her.

Interestingly enough, anti-depressants and such were brought up earlier in the thread. I don't imagine her considering that an option. Note: I have never told her that she should be on meds either because that would be rude, lol! And im also not qualified to make any confirmed diagnosis about her behavior except that I don't like being treated like a verbal beating post. I have subtley mentioned seeing a therapist, even doing it together.... That didn't go over well either. Her reason for not wanting to seek any professional help was because she went to one 20 years ago...... Scratches head.... Yes, 20 years ago! I thought that reasoning was rather strange, but either way, I suppose.

Hello, OP.
Iam a female in a long term relationship with a man who has borderline personality disorder. I can tell you, in all honesty, that your girlfriend sounds like she suffers as well. I stress, on the word suffer.You have no clue how painful it is to have such extreme emotions that you cannot control. Imagine you have no skin at all, and what you do have exposed, is burned, wounded, and puts you in excruciating agony to the slightest touch . That's what it feels like emotionally to have BPD. They come off as being uncaring and unfeeling, but in reality they are so easily hurt and so afraid of being hurt (ie:you leaving them) that they can have knee jerk reactions that are sometimes violent.
Does she bring up past issues that in her mind are unresolved?
I can already see that if she thinks you have slighted her in any way, she gets defensive...and that is just it.
It's all to protect herself from being hurt.
Imagine having a voice in your head that constantly tells you that you are unworthy, unlovable, and it's everyone's intention to prove that voice right.
I spent over a year, trying EVERYTHING to find out what was wrong in my relationship and how to fix it. When not raging, I have the sweetest most loving man in the world, and I know it's not his fault that he has BPD..so how can I punish him for it?
Here is a book I am recommending you read. It was an immense help to me.
www.amazon.ca...

There is also an online support group that you may wish to check out.
www.bpdcentral.com...

It is so easy for people to say.."You don't need that crap in your life, just leave."
But when you do..it makes the voice in their head SCREAM.. "SEE..I WAS RIGHT...THEY NEVER LOVED YOU. NOBODY WILL EVER LOVE YOU.
They NEED love more than most, but are just as capable of intensely loving back once they feel secure.
u2u me if you have any questions or need support.
-AD

reply to post by forall2see


If you still love her and if she still loves you, then there is hope. One last ditch effort would be to try to approach her in an honest, heart-felt manner just to find out what exactly is wrong. Just ask her what is wrong. Isn't it worth a try?

reply to post by AccessDenied


Thank you for your insight. I have never once thought it would be impossible to gain better understanding and value in our relationship. I will seek out any solution I can. It's just that I have hit a wall of frustration with the issue because I feel that I have exhausted all avenues. The way you put it makes complete sense. I will definitely look into the links you have provided when I get some free time today

You said it yourself. You have hit a wall of frustration.
Stop beating your head against that wall.

Spring is comming. A time for renewing many things. Including a new girlfriend.
There are many better women out there. You just need to find one who spent the last few years with a guy with BPD.

You can't imagine how easy it is when I greet my lady at the end of the day. No drama.
None of this You! You! You! stuff. It's a warm embrace and "ANything interesting happen today?".

You can't keep wondering when she's going to strike.
You can't keep wondering if 'X' is going to set her off.
You know it's comming. You just don't know what the topic will be. Otherwise you could plan for it.

Trust me dating Rosie Palm is far better than any psyco B.
You can fix a car.
You can fix a house.
You can't fix a woman.

Umm, OP. You've got 60 some odd replies now. Some of us are more compassionate than others and feel the relationship is worth saving. Most, I think, do not, though I did not count them up. As someone said early on, we're not counselors--just a bunch of average people who all have been through some relationships and have some perspective based on what happened to us.

Although you have made several replies, since your first post you have really brought nothing new to the table. We've heard your issues. We've offered what we can. You can accept or reject anything we've said. Do you really need another 60 replies here? I think you already have what we can give you here. You're welcome.

Let me illustrate by telling you something my ex did that drove me nuts. She had a hard time making decisions. If she went to a paint store to pick out white paint, she would get ten color swatches of slightly different shades of white, lay them out and consider them for an hour or more. There was so little difference between the colors that the exercise was futile, but she'd worry it to death until I became utterly bored with the whole thing and said, "Do what you want." It was a way of getting me out of hte picture, really. So she picked a white color to paint on our already white walls. They really didn't need painting, but the white had a faint yellow tinge to it and she wanted a faint blue tinge, but it was so faint that you had to be told before you could pretend to see it. So we did that and then she thought it might have been a mistake. it already cost me $5000 for the job.

You are beginning to remind me of her.

Originally posted by schuyler
Umm, OP. You've got 60 some odd replies now. Some of us are more compassionate than others and feel the relationship is worth saving. Most, I think, do not, though I did not count them up. As someone said early on, we're not counselors--just a bunch of average people who all have been through some relationships and have some perspective based on what happened to us.

Although you have made several replies, since your first post you have really brought nothing new to the table. We've heard your issues. We've offered what we can. You can accept or reject anything we've said. Do you really need another 60 replies here? I think you already have what we can give you here. You're welcome.

Let me illustrate by telling you something my ex did that drove me nuts. She had a hard time making decisions. If she went to a paint store to pick out white paint, she would get ten color swatches of slightly different shades of white, lay them out and consider them for an hour or more. There was so little difference between the colors that the exercise was futile, but she'd worry it to death until I became utterly bored with the whole thing and said, "Do what you want." It was a way of getting me out of hte picture, really. So she picked a white color to paint on our already white walls. They really didn't need painting, but the white had a faint yellow tinge to it and she wanted a faint blue tinge, but it was so faint that you had to be told before you could pretend to see it. So we did that and then she thought it might have been a mistake. it already cost me $5000 for the job.

You are beginning to remind me of her.

And you didn't belittle her because of what she was doing?
not even a "this is effin stupid"?
she just wasted $5,000 of your money....

what you gonna do about it homeboy?

Originally posted by InTheLight
reply to post by forall2see

 

If you still love her and if she still loves you, then there is hope. One last ditch effort would be to try to approach her in an honest, heart-felt manner just to find out what exactly is wrong. Just ask her what is wrong. Isn't it worth a try?

No.. no way.
That woman insulted him in public in front of his children.
Constantly bickers and bitches.
Doesn't sound like she is willing to change... Should would have already if that were the case.

Boondock Saints Quote
Rosengurtie
"Wait! Rule of thumb? In the early 1900s it was legal for men to beat their wives, as long as they used a stick no wider than their thumb"

reply to post by resoe26


Those symptoms are from underlying problems in their relationship, which by the way neither the OP nor his mate have made any steps to figure out through mature, calm communication. OP comes to a forum to ask anon. strangers what her problem is - instead of asking her. Perhaps OP, you and her were always in a dysfunctional relationship and the time has come where she needs to move on.

Originally posted by resoe26
And you didn't belittle her because of what she was doing?
not even a "this is effin stupid"?
she just wasted $5,000 of your money....

what you gonna do about it homeboy?

Well, since you asked, she died and I moved.

My point is that OP has enough information to move on this issue one way or another. Perhaps my analogy failed.

Originally posted by forall2see
reply to post by AccessDenied

 

Thank you for your insight. I have never once thought it would be impossible to gain better understanding and value in our relationship. I will seek out any solution I can. It's just that I have hit a wall of frustration with the issue because I feel that I have exhausted all avenues. The way you put it makes complete sense. I will definitely look into the links you have provided when I get some free time today

I hope it helps you and gives you the answers you are looking for. It seems to me you are committed to making it work and I know the "jekyl and hyde" mood swings on a dime are difficult to handle at times. But it gets easier when you both understand what's going on and try to fix it together. You can't possibly believe she is happy to feel angry and suspicious all the time. It's just how she has evolved to react to her pain.

reply to post by InTheLight


To clarify, I did not come here to ask what her problem is. I came here because I was looking for some experience in the matter, and I have received some very valuable opinions and information in return. That is something that I truly appreciate.

As far as my attempts to have a rational and mature conversation with her regarding the issues at hand, I have tried repeatedly, only to have it backfire and go absolutely nowhere.

Im not here to have anyone take my side in this, nor am I here to take hers. I simply came into this forum to receive a third party opinion. The consensus seems to be that there is no hope. Ultimately, I need to do what's best for my children, and in order to do that I must first do what is best for myself and lead by example.

In conclusion, I made another attempt last night to discuss these things with her. By expressing my feelings as well as my understanding to the best of my ability, I was once again labeled as the faulty source. It seems no matter how hard I try, it is simply not good enough.

If there are indeed underlying issues going on, I have yet to hear anything about them from the source.

Bottom line is that I have a lot more to offer than I am currently allowed to give in my relationship. In turn, I am not feeling any sort of positive reciprocity. There are many other fish in the sea...

I would like to express my gratitude for all that have contributed to this thread. I have gained some good insight from several perspectives.

Peace
.

reply to post by forall2see


I think you know, deep in your heart, the right way to go....which is, out the door.

I know there are people who are saying, she has a mental disorder, she's in pain, only by extending overwhelming amounts of love and patience can you fix this.

WRONG. Who the heck has the patience of a saint, and the overwhelming one-sided love that she requires, to "fix" her?

She must FIX HERSELF, and sometimes that means, losing a partner and being alone. Only when these people hit rock bottom can they finally realize that they have nobody to blame but themselves, and then, if they see the light, they will then seek help and improve.

I do not think it is fair, in a relationship, especially with children, to be with a mentally ill person who needs a ridiculous amount of love and patience....there are many good women out there, who are not sick in the head and abusive. I know I sound cold, especially as a woman, but life is too short to waste trying to cure somebody who cannot see that they are nuts.

You will end up hating her, and the children will not have a good role model of a relationship, they will only see an abuser and a would-be savior.

Relationships should be give-and-take. The minute it's all give and no take, it dies. You're not married to her, you've only got a year and a half invested in it, so ask yourself: Are you willing to be her therapist, her punching bag, her savior, her emotional tampon? Don't YOU deserve a partner who can also be there for you, and who won't berate you, insult you, and tantrum over every little thing, until you are walking on eggshells every single day of your life?

I had a partner like this. I got damned tired of it, and I left. He refused to see how damaging and hurtful his behavior was to me. I got tired of tip-toeing around, afraid to set him off. I was sad when I left, but never sorry. How did he end up? After trying to get me back for a long time, and me realizing that he would never change, he gave up and found somebody as damaged and crazy as he was. Three years into the relationship, after an alcohol-fueled fight, she shot him in his sleep and waited 30 minutes before calling 911. He died.

Leave the crazy for the shrinks. Save yourself. I've been there, done that, and never regretted walking away.

Originally posted by forall2see
reply to post by dc4lifeskater

 

I try to be as understanding and compassionate as possible. I seriously feel horrible sometimes because I do not get that in return, and that leaves me feeling empty inside.

Do you think that you will ever get understanding and compassion in return? Just from what you have said, it does not sound like it, so maybe think about that. Will everything always be about her and what you (supposedly) did wrong?

From what I have seen, this will probably not change and it is not a good idea to let her talk to you that way around your kids. You seem like a very kind and thoughtful person, and I hope everything works out the way you want it to.

reply to post by PacificBlue


I have always hoped that one day a light bulb would go off in her head and she would realize that I am there for her and not against her. It truly feels as if she is constantly feeling that what I do and or say is some type of insult towards her. I have been questioned over the silliest things. When I have attempted to make light of a situation it almost always seems to backfire.

All of my experience in the relationship has left me feeling less and less confident of us ever working towards any type of mutual compromise or resolve.

Really feels crappy when you finally feel comfortable giving your all to someone and feel nothing in return. Not saying there haven't been some of those times, but very few and far between to say the least. And even those seem to be brought up later on and made into something completely negative.

For me personally, I have always chosen to see the positive aspects of things, even negative things once I have the time to process them. I have even justified this relationship by telling myself that I could better myself in humility and navigate conflict more successfully. That's not the actual case though. Being someone else's supply of justification is not ok.

In the grand scheme of things, I have felt ashamed for allowing myself to stay in this situation as long as I have. I have set clear boundaries, only to give in to feelings of loneliness coupled with her manipulative sense of being. That is not ok either, as I am truly a man who only wants contentment in his relationship.... I dont feel that fat and happy with her... Instead I feel like im on a crumbling bridge, struggling to either fix it, or get the heck off, lol!

You have nothing at all to be ashamed of. It sounds like you have given your all and done your best to make things work out. Not everything in life works out. Its one of them things. Let us know how you get on, Not being nosy just wanna see you do ok

reply to post by forall2see

I believe my girlfriend suffers from some sort of paranoia based personality disorder, such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality, Bi-polar... I cannot really tell if it's just one of, or maybe a combination of them. I just know that something is not right about the way she reacts to the smallest things, and how heavily she emphasizes that so many feelings she has are somehow a result of my actions.

You only have two options.

First Option: Stay and try to help her through it all, but however she is not going to change it may diminish after a lot of work and a long time but its not going to go away. That however is only if she wants to change and is consciously aware and works toward that end, form what you said she is not nor does she want to. And also she will likely leave at one point when she finds another, these type of people are lets say "wanderers" they are not capable of staying with one person for long periods of time, only when they have no choice or it suits them, but eventually they move to another and most likely it wont register to them what there doing. In fact you should check up to see who else she is seeing, and what sort of things she gets up to before doing anything you may regret.

Second Option: Get the F out and move on, it does not need to be messy. Just tell her what up, and what you think and why...Then go.

I suggest you take the second option.

After four pages of this and several attempts to move you forward I'm going to suggest something here. I am really not trying to anger you and I am willing to accept the fact that I may be completely wrong. Though I'm interested in and taken a lot of psychology--even to the point of entering (and not finishing) A Masters degree program in it, that gave me enough information to know for certain that I'm not skilled in it. It's only people who take Psych 101 who try to analyze the world afterwards.

I'm thinking you have some clear OCD traits here. My son-in-law has a severe case, and he's taking medication for it. I slap my own self silly now that I know his diagnosis and I've read up a bit on it. All the signs were there with his behavior and I just didn't get it. I just thought he was bit obsessive, and it turns out I was right, but I had never gotten to the point of thinking it was a disease!

The way I see it in you is that you seem to need to excessively "process" the data you get. You said as much your last post. You need time to mull stuff over before you can come to any conclusions. Here we've gone through four pages with all of us telling you over and over again--and you're still not there. If SHE is a "quick" person with decisions, you could be driving HER nuts with the constant "thinking through the issue."

We don't need any more information. Neither do you. Pee or get off the pot. And good luck!

reply to post by forall2see


She sounds like she has some deep-seated insecurity issues at least...and if she isn't willing to consider some counseling, you're not too deeply vested in this one to call it quits...

Forall2see,

I feel like I'm in a similar situation as you. Very similar. I know how it feels to be disrespected daily, in front of children and friends as well. To always be made to feel like the enemy, regardless of how hard you try. It has been interesting to read these responses.

I'd like to raise a theoretical question to those who have shared their insight on the matter. OP has said that he has a daughter but the woman he is with is not the mother.

My question is, what about if the woman he is with was the daughter's mother? How should the situation be handled then? What would the advice be for that? Obviously it changes things, but to what degree?

I understand that this question could likely qualify as a whole new thread.