I hate relationships with a passion

reply to post by Murgatroid


I was only being honest about a mans needs.

reply to post by sarra1833


Hello Sarra,

You remind me of my wife, although you seem to be a much more extreme case.

My wife and I were friends for 6 years and have had an intimate relationship for 8 years. When we became intimate (after I left my ex-wife), we had sex regularly, but there was something very confusing about it. I never really knew if she enjoyed it or not, partly because she never took the initiative. I have had plenty of long-term relationships, and never experienced what I experienced with my current wife. Every single one of my ex-partners was passionate about sex, just like I am. I'm the type of man that needs to feel an intimate connection in order to have sex, and I have to respect my partner, or I will just not be turned on. I even tested this once and paid for sex. Result: no sex.

The other main difference between my current wife and all my ex-partners is that she was very emotionally detached. You could never really know what she was feeling. I actually found this very attractive, in the way that she has remained a 'challenge' to figure out and get to know. In all my previous relationships, after 2 or 3 years, I would get bored and begin to feel the need for new excitement. Now, for the first time, I have no problem at all remaining sexually true. It also helps that my wife is truly a stunning woman. Imagine a mix between Penelope Cruz and Angelina Joly, that type of stunning.

During the first year of our relationship, I didn't have a clue as to what the problem was. I thought about everything you could imagine: sexual abuse in her past, she's gay but not willing to admit it to herself, she's a control freak and uses sex for power, she's a psychopath and does not experience emotion, etc. The only thing that became clear was that she didn't realize that she had a problem. On top of that, she is a clinical psychologist who specializes in children. Needless to say, we had a lot of conflicts. During these conflicts, I was the only one who would show my anger. She would just freeze up and pretty much disassociate, while her eyes would become dark, and I would feel genuine fear. My patience was pushed to the limit, but something kept me in the relationship. I knew there was a lot more to her than she was showing me. Eventually, after about 2 years, we went into relationship counseling. That's when things became crystal clear.

During her first year, as a baby, her mother got cancer of the womb, and was hospitalized for over a year, with long periods in a quarantined room... Because of her mother's cancer, my wife remained an only child. So for much of her first 2 years, she was raised by her father. On top of that, neither her mother nor her father are the type to show their emotions, to the degree that they will ignore any emotional conflict. They are in their early sixties now, and have been sleeping in separate rooms for 15 years... This has taken its toll mostly on her father in the sense that he just sort of gave up on his manliness. Her mother acts like there isn't a problem in the world. And no, I do not get along with my mother in law. It is very hard to respect her. Her father, well I just feel sorry for him and wish he would 'man up'.

Anyways, after about 6 months of counseling, it became clear that I was wasting my time in my personal sessions, and our therapist suggested working only with my wife for a while. She has been seeing her ever since once a month, so that would be almost 6 years now. In the mean time, we have 2 children together. She has evolved a lot. Much of this has been through her therapy, but our children definitely have a huge role in this. There is no escaping her feelings when it comes to our children, I make damn sure of that. She can show her anger, she can cry, and she can show her enjoyment during sex. She will even take the initiative from time to time. She will also come and talk to me when she is feeling down. Though it is very difficult for her to explain what she is feeling. She will say things like "I feel a horrible feeling in my stomach, but I don't know what it is." I will comfort her and leave it at that until a day later. Then I will ask her if she has put more thought into what she might have felt the day before, and she will give some more details. She might mention loneliness, or fear, for example.

I don't know you, Sarra, but from your OP and your other posts in this thread, I have absolutely no doubt that your issues have nothing to do with sexual orientation. You are emotionally detached. This is obvious from how you write. When another member points out your possible faults, you reply in an extremely rational way. The remarks don't seem to affect you in any way at all. Your subconscious is protecting you from feeling any pain, because you are not able to deal with it. It is much easier for you to accept that you are asexual.

reply to post by sarra1833


... continued.

Sex is the most intimate act there is between 2 people, and in general, even more so for women. It's not a stretch to realize that someone who has been deeply hurt in the past (be it as a child, a baby, in the womb, or maybe even in a previous life) has developed mechanisms to avoid deep emotion.

Of course it is your choice how you deal with this, but know this: If you are truly emotionally broken, it is not at all strange that you do not realize this, and that you will do all sorts of things and think all sorts of thoughts to avoid this reality. But the fact that you are posting about this tells me that something inside you is trying to get you to deal with your needs. Intimacy is a basic human need. Without it, a child will not develop properly. Hence your sons problems. Acknowledging your part in that will probably be the hardest thing you will ever have to do. It will also be the most rewarding in the long run.

I don't normally judge people so quickly, but in your case it is just too obvious. One needs only to look at your need for someone to explain to you how to hug another human being, and you being thankful for their explanation.

Respectfully,

soulwaxer

reply to post by sarra1833


I can understand you being upset with the comments he made to your son.
I myself am a docile creature............until you mess with my kids.
Good Luck

PLPL

Do you hug your son, I mean you have to show your children that you love them even a meaningful hug here and there... they can sense the love.
When your son was born did you bond with him? From how you are describing him it seems no real bond was made. After child birth the second most remarkable thing that happens and rarely talked about is the bond that happens. The love you feel for that newborn is incredible. Some mother do not do this and their child suffers greatly, pretty much their entire life. They show many signs as well.
Also just curious did you breastfeed? Also another bonding and nurturing part of motherhood. (although many new mothers also disregard this)

Please keep in mind I am not meaning any of this in a mean way and these are merely observations.

reply to post by Staroth


again intimacy on a different level
the ability to be open to receive love and return in kind

reply to post by obnoxiouschick


My question was for the Sarra (OP) and she said she didn't know how to hug, follow along please and thank you.

reply to post by Staroth


follow along ....I put that part way back


I know I was just pointing out something that was all ......geeeezzzz

reply to post by sarra1833


Dear Sara1833,
My advice would be that even if you tell people you have "issues" that doesn't actually make it ok to ask them to cope with you having them, that's a rather selfish and single minded view point. It is also a very strong defence mechanism.

I would strongly urge you to think long and hard about the quality of life you have, lack of intimacy may seem like a good idea, but it isn't really a healthy and rewarding existence.

Something has obviously hurt you in the past to make you the way you are - dig deep and get it resolved.

You may also want to think about finding a partner more your age and into the things you are into.

Edit - Oh and posting about this stuff on the internet is just meh.. you really should be discussing it with your partner or a professional

T

hmmm man..i wished i could ask you every question that is in my head but my english is not good enough.
so i´ll try. Are you sure that everything about your way of hugging and loving is caused by your sexual orientation (asexuality)?

In my opinion the reason for that could also be that you don´t let go...that you have some concepts which make you think hugging is about "you".and how you feel...it could be just a thing of perception and interpretation..but this you can change.

Huggin is a kind of prayer to the bond between 2 people..When there is not thought..this feeling can be very peaceful..When you hug someone..do you just wait for it to be over? or do you think about yourself and ask: is this right?

Let go of yourself and you will hug the right way....dont wait for something..let it be an act of gratefulness that the other person is there to share life with you!

huggin and loving is about loosing your grip on yourself....on your ego etc.

reply to post by DelayedChristmas

Just to add to that. If he's wearing a jacket, reach your arms inside his jacket then around him, just a slight difference in the standard hug, that will be more the hug of a girlfriend than a sister, a sibling or friend wouldn't be that intimate.

Originally posted by InTheFlesh1980
reply to post by sarra1833

 

Your title says you hate relationships with a passion. If what you say is true, perhaps you should not have any interpersonal relationships. With your disposition, it is very unlikely to satisfy either you or the person you are in a relationship with.

But somehow, I know that despite your self-professed passionate "hatred" for relationships, you will embark upon them with fully-engaged dysfunction for the extent of your longevity.

This is exactly what came to mind here, how can you want or desire a relationship when everything it means is something you do not buy into. I think your just self substained and don't need anyone around you. Hey its something that can happen, but chances are youve had some kind of wrong experience to set all of this up.

Hope you get exactly what you want! whatever it is! but dont search for a boyfriend when what you want is just the company or friendship. My own humble opinion

I think attitudes like that of the op speak profoundly to the type of society we live in today. It reflects self centered, decadent, and largely uncompromising notions and sentiments towards life, people and the world.

"The sex is boring" "I can't do this or that" etc etc

News flash, if you are unwilling to do things you're not crazy about in life for the greater good ie. significant other, community, friends, your job; you will not be successful in any of those areas.

I am trying to imagine what my life would look like if I refused to do anything that "bored" me with my significant other or members of my family - good luck to me.

Welcome to the world of compromise, hard work and self sacrifice for any semblance of success in virtually any area of life. It does not surprise me you hide behind a computer and live vicariously through adolescent rationalizations and fantasy.

You have no business in a relationship until your attitude changes - be it through introspective growth or professional help. My advice would be to seek out the latter.

Well Sarra, I can't offer any advice that would be useful in the slightest as the thought of being asexual is beyond my comprehension. In my opinion, it sounds like all you want is friendship though and getting in a relationship just so you can say "I'm in a relationship see, I have a boyfriend!" is a VERY bad idea. I think it is a shame because if that is your picture then you are an extremely beautiful woman, and you have red hair to boot . If you have genuine feelings for the man you are with, even if not sexual I would suggest you need relationship counseling, just my $0.02. I hope you get back to where you need to be to feel content and happy in life, hoping for the best for you.

Originally posted by Patriotsrevenge
Seriously, not to be mean but you need to see a shrink.

Originally posted by torqpoc
you really should be discussing it with your partner or a professional

Originally posted by schuyler
Get counseling...

Originally posted by wildtimes
counseling is ALWAYS a good idea!

Originally posted by Tardacus
You definitely seem to be exhibiting symptoms of this: Schizophrenia

Psychiatry is a total complete FRAUD...

“Psychiatry” has NO, and I mean ZERO medical basis whatsoever.

Watch “The marketing of Madness” on YouTube to learn what a scam “psychiatry” is.

Thought Police Kidnap Talk Show Host

“Biological psychiatry is a total fraud.” — Fred Baughman,

quoted by Dr. Timothy Scott, America Fooled: The Truth about Antidepressants, Antipsychotics and How We’ve Been Deceived

Psychiatry is a Total Fraud

Not only is psychology without merit, but psychiatry defrauds the public as well. Medical psychiatrists have been trying for years to validate their biochemical theory of mental illness, but “after decades of research that has yielded not a single definitive biological marker connecting brain dysfunction to mental disorders,” we are letting doctors evaluate and treat us as if such diseases exist.

To put it more loosely, making a diagnosis of mental illness is “a near mindless act where you can speculate whatever you want and never be ‘wrong’ (if any new or unrelated symptoms emerge just add another diagnosis).”

In fact, there is not a single scientific study that shows prescription psychotropic drug users suffer from an objective, confirmable abnormality of the brain.

Psychology and Psychiatry: Rotten to the Core

Dr. Niall McLaren, an Australian practicing psychiatrist for 22 years, explains what is wrong with the psychiatric profession: That it cannot/will not take criticism, for fear the entire model of biological psychiatry will unravel. That there is no science to psychiatric diagnoses, no brain based diseases. And that psychiatry only pushes mental disorders as biological disease in order to convince people to take psychiatric drugs, causing a host of dangerous side effects.

What's Wrong with Psychiatry?

“There are no objective tests in psychiatry-no X-ray, laboratory, or exam finding that says definitively that someone does or does not have a mental disorder.”
— Allen Frances, Former DSM-IV Task Force Chairman

Source

“…modern psychiatry has yet to convincingly prove the genetic/biologic cause of any single mental illness…Patients [have] been diagnosed with ‘chemical imbalances’ despite the fact that no test exists to support such a claim, and…there is no real conception of what a correct chemical balance would look like.” — Dr. David Kaiser, psychiatrist

Source

“All psychiatrists have in common that when they are caught on camera or on microphone, they cower and admit that there are no such things as chemical imbalances/diseases, or examinations or tests for them. What they do in practice, lying in every instance, abrogating [revoking] the informed consent right of every patient and poisoning them in the name of ‘treatment’ is nothing short of criminal.” — Dr Fred Baughman Jr., Pediatric Neurologist

Source

“Psychiatry makes unproven claims that depression, bipolar illness, anxiety, alcoholism and a host of other disorders are in fact primarily biologic and probably genetic in origin…This kind of faith in science and progress is staggering, not to mention naïve and perhaps delusional.”

— Dr. David Kaiser, psychiatrist

Source

“In short, the whole business of creating psychiatric categories of ‘disease,’ formalizing them with consensus, and subsequently ascribing diagnostic codes to them, which in turn leads to their use for insurance billing, is nothing but an extended racket furnishing psychiatry a pseudo-scientific aura. The perpetrators are, of course, feeding at the public trough.”
— Dr. Thomas Dorman, internist and member of the Royal College of Physicians of the UK

Source

You can tell from the responses the 'OP' has received how people are mentally 'positioned' in life relative to that of the 'OP's'. I'm male, 52, and pretty much in the same boat as the 'OP'. I've gone from enthusiatic youth to a crabbed and resigned middle age, and am pretty 'asexual' myself.

I haven't had sex in at least 12 years, and have not missed it at all. I am not a sad or tragic person, I have no needs for physical intimacy from another, but have a select and small circle of friends from whom I gain companionship, and it often befuddles them when I am approached by a lady whilst out on the town, and see her as no sexual conquest or availability...it just isn't on my agenda. I may be 52, but I still have the body and energy and stamina of a man 20 years younger. I am told I am good looking, I dress well, am well groomed, intelligent and a good and interesting conversationalist. I listen and respond attentively, yet out of it all, I do not give off cues that I seek sex.

I have found that it is the desires of others that are imposed upon oneself, that it is their expectations that can be felt vampiric and draining. I have been thought of as being gay (I'm not), that I must be something 'other' because I don't require to fulfill my heterosexual needs, or that of others. I don't want a relationship with a woman, I simply have no desire or compunction to get into a relationship and cater to her needs. If you are thinking that that is a selfish attitude, then that is YOU simply imposing YOUR view and YOUR needs upon me; that you think it 'right' for me to open up to some person to fulfill her happiness is not high on my agenda nor my responsibility or duty as a single man. I am responsible and duty-bound to my own heart and mind, and life experience. I do not exist simply to make others happy or fulfilled in their life just because society has this expectation of me.

Having said all this, it is important that one is honest and up front with any person whom has more than a friendly interest with you. It is important not to lead them on, or offer them crumbs of hope towards having a sexual relationship with you. It may sadden them to learn that you are not interested in them sexually. I have had a few ladies whom I have met in pubs look a little crestfallen when I say goodnight to them, expecially when the last couple of hours have been engaging and fun (I have a wicked sense of humour and wit), but I am nobody's nightcap.

Is there something wrong with me? No! Do I need fixing? No! I am single and live alone, and I am happy and content with that. It is my choice, my preferance. Will I continue to be like this? I do not know, one can never say never, but I should think it is all about resonance. If I meet with a lady whom resonates very highly with me, then that may help to change my mind, but will I resonate with her? Yeah...that is the rub.

There are very few people whom you will meet throughout your life with whom you could have a long-term and lasting and fulfilling relationship, very few where the resonance arises to indicate that. Asexual people are not very good at fulfilling others physical needs, and no attempt ought to be sought to get them to try, and they in turn, should be honest and true and uncompromising. The Op needs to think about letting her BF move on to hopefully find happier pastures, and not enter into any physically-sought relationship until she can accept sex as part of the relationship.

reply to post by sarra1833


I dated a girl kind of like you recently...we rarely had sex...she showed very little emotion..I used to think she was gay but then every now and then shed let go. Turned out, which i had known, she had been through an attempted rape, and that it really had messed her up in the sex department. I was ok with that..and very patient. Maybe once a month shed say she loved me..which acutally kind of made it special when she did say it. I found she was really shy about her body too...so I worked constantly to make her feel confident.

You know you talk about your attractions...ever try porn? Like that anime/hentai stuff. Its basically cartoon porn. Idk you may be able to relate to it more than other things.

With all that said...you are very unique...not in a bad but you have to know that you will face more challenges in the relationship department and probably with life all together...which is perfectly ok. I'm sure there is someone out there that would gel much more with you....just a pain in the arse to find em. Good luck...and pm if you have any questions about what I wrote...would like to help if I can.

P.S. relationships suck for everybody anyway lol

reply to post by sarra1833

You probably shouldn't be in a relationship if you can't give someone what they need. It's cruel.

reply to post by sarra1833


So do you just date someone just to be with someone?? You do not have to be with anyone if you don't want to. Don't just date someone cuz you feel like you have to which is kind what I got from your post. Have friends.

Basically don't fake relationships. What you do sounds selfish and is all about and you are have never really had a relationship but because the only relationship you have is with yourself. Which is fine but don't drag a third party in to your you yourself and I relationship.

Relationships are great but they require you not to be so self absorbed... if you are too self absorbed they suck.

stop being self absorbed...
???
Profit.

Any man who has normal testosterone levels and is not a monk or a holy man, and yet says he is ok with no sex, he is a liar , or he means he is ok with no sex with YOU, but will certainly get it from others. If he actually believes hes ok with it, then hes obviously repressing the urges due to some sort of low self-esteem issue or something similar. Frankly I don't see the point in being in a relationship if you are both healthy but aren't going to have sex.

If sex grosses you out, then that is not normal and should be addressed through some sort of therapy instead of trying to tell yourself that it's ok. How can anyone possibly share normal emotions and show care when they label holding hands as "childlike"? You sound to me like you have some sort of OCD and deeply unresolved emotional issues. Maybe like you are even somewhat narcissistic to a point. I say this not to put you down, but merely as an objective observer. First why don't you worry about fixing yourself before you get into any sort of relationship. If you are unable to address your own abnormalities, then why not just be regular friends with people? What is the point of having a partner when they can't even fully and 100% totally share in everything together with you?

I predict you will probably explain it all away no matter what anyone says to you. From reading your posts this far in your thread, doesn't seem like you want advice, or to fix problems. Seems you want some sort of sympathy or someone to tell you you are fine and all will be ok. Again, I'm not putting you down, and none of us are perfect, but you have some problems which border on the extreme. You may or may not be spiritual in thought, but I believe it would serve you well to break yourself down inside, and then to find yourself.

God Bless you........

Originally posted by sarra1833
So I've been like dating this guy for a little over a year. I let him know up front and right away that I'm in the sexual orientation in the Asexual category, though I'm more of a grey-a when it comes to the stuff. I'm NOT an emotional showing person. I think holding hands is something little kids do, kissing to me is gross cuz of the spittle *gag*, sex is completely out of the question as it's boring, gross, annoying, blah blah, and I really hate myself the next morning for 'being used'. I could be in a ship for years and still feel used and dirty afterward. So I fully cut sex out of my life 11 years ago. Have not missed it. I get my turn ons and relief I need from fantacizing about hot guys in movies and video games. Yes, trademark Asexual traits. The ONLY reason I am not fully 100% ace is because I still can look at hot guys and gals in reality and think of all the things I'd not mind doing to em or having em do to me - but the moment any of em want to show an interest, I back off fast and make it so they're not interested. THAT is why I fall more into the grey-a category. It's very rare, not many human beings fall into the Ace categories/spectrum. I sadly am one of them.

I'm almost 40. He's almost 57. He's fine with the no sex aspect (and believe me, he is a rare gentleman who doesn't cheat, etc etc). That's a huge reason why I don't really get into relationships or date: everyone wants to cheat or you end up being hurt with a broken heart. Or feeling used etc.