Despair

I can't take anymore...

The job is sapping the life from my bones. Day in day out, systematic, perpetuity of slavery. I don't even wish for much. To say I'm depressed past the point of calling the workhouse howl from times gone by, is an understatement. I'm closer to the point of self assisted euthanasia, the murder of oneself.

Oh, to be free...But where would suicide lead?

If Hell exists, then I guess I wouldn't care about the eternal damnation and pain. To know that man was just a subordinate being to something greater, would probably drop my soul into comatose, cognizant to the fact that man wasn't at the top of the food chain after all. Which is a painful truth to digest.

Maybe my soul would run free, voyaging through space-time to other great planes of existance, journeying to distant lands and discovering the greatest freedom given to man.

Or maybe blackness will ensue, like the deepest of sleeps, dreamless and pellucid, peaceful bliss for eternity. I could give my life for that stress free inexistance.

Alas, no...I couldn't do that to my family, I'm too pussillanimous to go through with such an aphotic act. To see their bereaved faces, red shot eyes, with tears rolling off their cheeks like rain drops off of a birds feather. The following endless annual anniversaries, with the same sadness in their hearts, with the question of why? looming in the melancholy saturated air. The flame of a candle lit and extinguished with ease, such is the essence of life given and taken.

No, I can't do that.

I wonder if Earth is like a behemothic Venus fly trap for the soul. No, more like a spider's web.

I feel like a stuck fly, unable to break free. The spider representing the society in which we are completely subservient to. It toys with me watching the struggle and exertion, before it wraps me in the agglutinative silk and suffocates my very existence, until I'm conforming to that which is expected from civilization.

No, we are the proles of society. Fastened into dead end jobs, that don't offer anything to your sentience. The affluent and famous are worshipped, and as such the rest of the world contest against one another like rabid dogs, for the scraps to clamber just that bit higher in the echelons of society.

We labor and before we can expand our minds to better our futures, we just want to find escape from the world. So we turn on our TV's and drift off into whatever world we are served or apportioned by others to keep us occupied. Others turn on the games console and become the imaginary hero to an apocryphal world, oblivious to the here and now and the problems of today. A real zombie nation.

It's ok though, if you're not depressed enough you can turn on the news and watch problems and quandaries worse than yours, under go synopsis right before your eyes. I ponder often on the reason to why the news is so negative. I can't remember the last time I saw some positive news, such a sad state of affairs that it is.

I suppose I'll continue trudging along until my time comes and I kick the bucket. I'll go back to work and complete each laborious day in a perpetual cycle of day dream trance. Yea...that's right, you know that they would never let people like you and me run free. The only place we will ever truely be free is in the abyssal magnitudes of our consciousness...

Very well written. It takes a lot for someone to put themselves out like that. I hope you find peace. I hope that you find some sort of validity to your time here on earth. I have been as low as low gets, with (what i felt at the time) no reason to live.. Loss of love left me love sick, love less, and resentful. Its always a struggle but i find peace in writing and spreading a message of persistence, resistance, and resilience, which is what I took from this piece. Remember that this human experience is temporary but that the soul lives on. The part of you that feels trapped is the part of you that yearns for a better world because it is rooted in a better world. That compassion (which often works against us in this type of society) is the part of you that will live on. I don't mean to preach or condescend in anyway for you seem to be someone who already knows what im telling you but find comfort in your loved ones, fight for them. The realm of visible light has little to offer to those who have the strong connection with the beyond but we still have a reason to be here. Stay up and god bless fam.