The Dog Ate My Homework

You see, Doc...there was this terrible accident...

I was just minding my own business when she walked up to me. At first I didn't even look at her, but she kept pestering me. Finally I looked up. Holy CRAP, she was sssSSSMMMOKIN', Doc, I tell ya just SMOKIN'!!! She said she had a flat and asked if I could help her. She had on this black number and long curly red hear. I tell ya, man, her legs were up to here (holding hand up to neck)!! Did I mention she was smokin' hot??

Anyway, so we get the tire changed and she asks if I want to have a beer. I told her I needed to study for your test, Doc, I really did, honest. Well, one thing leads to another and the next thing I knew we were back at my place...in the bedroom. My roommate was out for the night so we had the place all to ourselves. For the love of all things holy, this girl was down right dangerous! I'm tellin' ya she did things I've never even thought of before (and that's a stretch)! I was sure I was either going to be dead or in jail before morning, I know some of that stuff had to have been illegal. I mean people just can't bend like that and live...can they?

Well, this went on for hours and hours. I couldn't move. No, literally, she had me tied down! The more time that went by the crazier she got. I was pretty sure I had some broken bones and was burned pretty badly in one or two spots, but I couldn't see for sure. She was just gettin' started! Then she started trampoline jumpin’ on the bed, hootin' and hollerin. I was sure the neighbors had heard all the screaming and things crashing around. I don't know what the heck she was hollerin' in but it dang sure wasn't anything I'd ever heard before!

Then I started gettin' scared, Doc, I really did. When she pulled out the knives and started flailing around with them like some kind of Ninja or something, I was really worried I might not make it outta' there. When she started running all around the house chanting and making these weird noises I knew I was done for. What had started out as the hottest night of my life had turned into a complete nightmare; hot, but still a nightmare.

She was jumping around like some kinda' kangaroo or something, just jumping all over the place...with the knives. Just like that she let out this ear splitting howl and jumped right out the freaking window! I could hear her down there on the lawn, spinning around in circles on the grass making these whooping sounds. It was terrifying, Doc!

I managed to free myself just about the time the police arrived. They didn't believe me at first. The house was destroyed, clothing was hanging off the chandeliers, some of them pulled out by the wires. Furniture was toppled over and there were holes in the walls. They didn't believe me, they just kept telling me I'd had some kind of a wild party that night. They didn't believe me until they found Zena, that was her name, Zena, out back hiding in the bushes and making growling noises. I’m not sure, but I think they even had to call Animal Control to get her outta' there.

Anyway, I'm really sorry I missed your test, Doc! But, with all the stuff that happened to me, do you suppose I could take a makeup exam? I mean who knew, right? C'mon...pleeeeeeez???

Well, Doc????

Seriously, man, it was like being in a haunted Benihana with a rabid ferret!

C'mon...give a guy a break!


(original by yours truly, FCD...hopefully for your enjoyment)