posted on Dec, 25 2012 @ 01:39 AM
I have a heavy heart this year. I don't celebrate Christmas because it stands for something I hate, but I celebrate the solstice.
My father abandoned me and my mom. he just left her after 33 years of marriage. My mom moved out of the house for fear of her life, and the day my
father found out she was gone, he never came back. Now my mother always screams and yells about this,even though it was 8 years ago. I never call her,
I never visit her. I love my mother, but it breaks my heart to hear her say these things. What many people fail to realize, is that I have an eidetic
memory; (not 'perfect recall') My episodic memory is eidetic. So every time she talks about these things I remember it all in vivid detail and it
makes me so sad that I don't even answer her calls anymore.
One of the worst things she ever said was, after returning from the hospital because she attempted suicide; She swore she had visions of dying alone
in a hospital bed. She knows she'll die that way.
I also spend christmas alone. I spend all my holidays alone. I got into drugs and lost all my friends, now I'm sober but they are still gone. If it
weren't for my spouse I would be all alone.
I've had a sad life. My heart is so full of love and adoration and sometimes I feel it trying to burst out, but I have nobody to give it to, or so I
thought. I met my spouse around the time my parents starting really getting bad, and we've had ups and downs. But one day I realized that if she left
me, which she should have, I would be alone. And that was when I felt all of the love and adoration finally find its way out. I was reluctant to
really allow myself to acknowledge this because we are young and sometimes fight; But now every night before we fall asleep I kiss her and hug her
like it's the last time ever will. And every day, almost without being able to control it, I wrap my arms around her and thank her for always being
I'm not necessarily spending the holiday alone. I have my beautiful spouse, and we are beginning to find love again. But my family is dead. We were
just torn apart and never healed. My mom left, took our dogs and cats, and my dad stopped coming home. I miss my dogs, and cats, I never got to say
goodbye. The cat I had after my open heart surgery, chauncy, is probably dead now. I never got to say goodbye to him. I almost forgot what he looked
It's lonely without a family. It feels lonely. It feels like there is something profanely out of tune inside of me.
If you're truly alone, there is someone somewhere who belongs with you. anyone who wants to hear how I met my spouse and decide for yourselves if it
was fate or just random, send a PM. It was fate. She is my soul mate. And there's someone for you too. until then, we're here. We carry each
other's sadness, joy, fear, curiosity. This is a good place to be.
For anyone in a situation like mine, I think of the mountain goats' song 'oceanographer's choice' when John sings "what will I do when I don't
have you to hold onto in the dark".