posted on Dec, 23 2012 @ 05:32 AM
OP, this was a really good idea for a thread! It's great when people can come to share experiences of their struggles. Noticed a Christian one on
here a couple weeks ago, nice to see one that I can relate to now.
It's sad that the thread's kinda gone off-topic now, but it's to be expected.
I struggled. Hard. Problem is, my parents never really forced me. We were Catholics, and it was just a family thing. Went to church. Went to Catholic
schools. We just went through the motions, and it took me a while to realise how much I was faking it. I know now that I liked learning about religion
rather than actually practising it.
My parents were cool, since my Dad has essentially been an atheist all his life, where my Mum is more like a pandeist now... I guess. But they
weren't the problem, and neither were the priests. Of course, Catholic priests are unusually well-read in other philosophies and religions, and the
requirements for salvation are admittedly different in RC doctrine (but they're cool people, so stop with the Catholic-bashing, everyone!)
I would have been okay, if it wasn't for my Bible-obsessed grandmother (lovely woman, just narrow-minded) and the Afro-Caribbean community in
general, which is overwhelmingly Christian in other forms. Being exposed to so many different doctrines, and many of them subscribing to the
sweltering, sulphuric lake of fire put me on a path to despair. I wanted to hold on, just in case.
I really did, and sometimes it left me sitting in my room, contemplating nothing else but my eventual fiery torment for questioning my maker.
No matter how much stands to reason, logic and evidence, the only thing that can shake off this "fear of God" (pardon the pun) is gall.
Even now, I see and hear the zealots, and the way they proselytize scares me. It's sounds like they're taunting me, calling out for my blood in the
name of their king. Sometimes on this forum, sometimes on the Internet, sometimes my extended family and even those in the marketplaces.
But it's all in my head, and my own personal struggle. I blame no one but myself for holding onto these insecurities. I know that some of the other
atheists might find this post hilarious, but it's really me.
When the lady in the OP's vid said "I used to wish I could believe," it struck such a chord, because I still get that every now and again. But
constant doubt is my cross to bear (sorry) and my raison d'etre as an atheist - having all of the answers (or thinking you do) is way overrated.