reply to post by liejunkie01
I have to say my heart goes out to you. In my early 20's I went through some things no person should have to, and unfortunately I looked to drugs(
T&C) prevents me from naming the drug, but I turned into a heavy intravenous user. I had money out my ass, felt like I had no place in society nor
did I know how to adapt so I just went nuts with narcotics. At times I convinced myself I was punishing myself, other times I was aiming for that a
lot too much but always managed to just get really messed up and never cross the line. It took me some 3 years with professional help and plenty of
relapses. The last relapse cost me $22,000. Yes you read that right, how ever that left me absolutely broke. Pissed off my family, so I guess that's
what they call rock bottom. I've been sober for 2 years now, not a single screw up but I have had my days where I've thought about how much easier
it would be to just go back on the spoon.
The truth is, it's a lie. It's a lie you tell yourself. You think it will make you feel better to use, but it really isn't the case. It took me a
long time to learn that, even with professional help. I have learned an awful lot about myself in the last 5 years. I am extremely hard on myself,
even when I accomplish something worth recognition, I'm never happy with myself. I always find something to pick apart. For instance, running on the
treadmill for 2 hrs. " I could have done two and a half. Why didn't you push it a little longer? " Stupid things, running for any distance with the
way the world is today is amazing, and I should be proud I even get on the damn thing but I can't help but pick myself apart. It's christmas in a
few days, and I'm going out again to buy more crap because I'm so hard on myself. I feel like I can never do enough. How ever, I've learned to
acknowledge I'm my own problem. When you look at it like that, I suppose it goes with that whole admitting you have a problem thing.
Let me tell you this, there is nothing wrong with you. Humans make mistakes, and unfortunately we are creatures of habit. I hear it takes some 30 days
to break a habit, this is sort of true. If you are like me, I used drugs from the age of 17-24. that's a long time, and it took me a total of 5 years
to get sober, 3 of which had screw ups and the last 2 I've been amazing. So it took me about half as long as I used to get myself sorted. It's a
daily battle, it does get easier the further you get, but I like to think of it as climbing a hill. Getting started is easy, but once you get going it
always looks easier to just say # it and turn around, but it's a long slippery slope back down. It only takes one time, to get you right back where
That relapse 2 years ago was exactly that. It was new years, I was hanging out with a chick and we got onto the subject of drugs and decided yeah sure
I can do this just once. That one night that started out as a " Harmless" 40 bucks, turned into 240, then the next day same thing, and it steadily
climbed until I burned through every penny in my account. The worst part is, I had clued into the problem and kept going until I had nothing left. I
could not stop myself. Sometimes you need to reach out to others. I'm happy you have opened up to us here, and believe me I have nothing but warm
words of encouragement for you. You are not stupid, you have a problem and as hard as it may seem there is hope. Don't give up, I know things are
tough. Part of my set of triggers is relationships. Always has been I'm a huge sucker when it comes to women, and I have issues dealing with my
emotional baggage, and relationship problems. I bottle everything up, and it's incredibly toxic for my well being.
The best advice I can give you is look for help. Family, friends, AA, Anonymous phone lines, Dr, who ever you are most comfortable with and listen.
Cold turkey doesn't always work, but everyone is different. Find the resources available to you and be honest and committed. I got through my
addiction with the help of 3 Dr.s Friends, family, my fiance, 2 counselors and an addiction specialist. It was and still is a whole lot of work, but
man to man I can tell you it is entirely worth it, and I've never been happier. Please never give up on yourself. Irregardless of how you may feel
right now, you should be putting you and your children first. YOU ARE WORTH IT! You can do this.
I had to cut off everyone I used with, or had problems relating to my issues to get to where I am, and if I had to do it again I wouldn't do it any
different. Open your heart, open your mind, commit to sobriety and ask for help. If you ever need someone who will not judge you to talk to, or ask
questions please feel free to PM me. Best of luck to you, I'm so sorry to hear of your rock and a hard place situation. You can get out of it though,
I believe in you.