OK, so I am going to lay it all on the line for you all to judge me and maybe give ne a little advice to help me out in the end. Sorry for the long
post but please read it. I could really use some insight here. I hope that I can convey my feelings properly for you.
Hello my name is liejunkie01. I am going to be 34 this Christmas. I have three children one with a woman of years ago that I never see anymore and two
with my now ex girlfriend of 12 years. My children with her are 9 and six. Boy and girl. I love them like nothing else in this world.
I have been battling an addictive lifestyle since I was a teenager. I am a severe alcoholic that is capable of fighting the urge for long periods of
time. But for some reason I seem to lose the battle with my demons from time to time. Sometimes I manage to go years of sobriety.
In my early 20's I was a bar regular and basically lived dependent on alcohol for my social life, this was around 1998 through 2000 or so. Believe me
when I say severe alcoholic, bar tab and all. I worked at the time and I ended up keeping my job at this company for 12 years until 2008. Then I went
to the local college for two years and studied welding g technologies. I wanted to provide my family with a better life. I just wanted to state this
because I am not affraid to work.
I met this girl "love" in 2000. I decided that i was tired of living alone. She needed help with the bills. I agreed to move in and help her out. This
is basically where my relationship started with the woman that I gave now spent over a third of my life with.
Except we/I still partied a lot and had a lot of good times. With those good tines also came some bad times. Our son was born in 2003 and our daughter
in 2006. This is the hard part to talk about.
Even after my children were born I continued drinking pretty heavy. It is something I am not proud of and quite frankly I cannot explain. I held mu
job and paid the bills trying to live life how I thought it was supposed to be. Well, to the parents out there we know that this isn't supposed to be
this way. I was stubborn to the fact that I was sinking the family "ship" and we broke up a few times here and there. I thought that the bills were
paid and I was faithful then my obligations were being met regardless. Boy was I wrong.
As I have stated over the years I have sworn off the drink and reconciled and made up. With "love" being a good woman and taking me back to try to be
a complete family. Each time knowing I was chipping away at the foundation for complete love. We have separated moved out on our own a few times over
Each time I got this is the last time speech. I even agreed to go to AA a few times but felt ashamed and stopped going.
This Sunday will be two weeks since I went over to a friends house with a half pint to watch some football. I thought it would be an innocent drink
and everything would be alright. Boy was I wrong. "Love" got totally irrate and I lost my cool. She kicked me out and I went to my brothers to stay.
This only made matters worse because my brother has issues of his own (drugs) and it really was not a good move on my part.
"Love" and I have not been getting along to well before this last incident. Our communication with each other had all but stopped. We are both
stubborn and hardheaded but I take most of the blame for not being there for her like I should have been.
The children are taking it pretty hard and she asked me if I wanted to stay at the house until I can find another job and get a place of my own. After
my schooling I got a job as a union sheet metal worker. Work slowed down and I have been unemployed since the end of August. This has added to the
attitude problems around the house. She works as a dietary tech(cook) and started working more since I got laid off.
Her working and me not pretty much turned into animosity because my unumployment isn't cutting it. I personally believed I would have got a call for
work, but pretty much gave up hope.
We were doing so good at the beginning of the summer. We were pretty much happy and had a little extra money to boot.
Now it is just complete misery and I cannot sleep at night. She told me she is tired of trying and is ready to move on. I feel comleyely devastated
and I can not let it go. I absolutely love this woman and the family we have made together. My kids are suffering because of my ignorance and
She tells me that I put booze and drugs before family. I do not feel this way and I really cannot explain why I relapse once in a while. I do not put
booze and drugs before family, no excuses this time. I just don't know why.
I really want to know what the hell is wrong with me. Why can't I get it right for my children's sake. All I want is to be a happy family and honestly
I feel we haven't figured out the right way. We have never tried counseling or anything. It just kills me that it turned out this way.
I just don't want it to end this way. There has got to be a way t work it out. It hurts and I have torn my family apart.
edit on 22-12-2012 by liejunkie01 because: spelling