Originally posted by MrUncreated
Not everyone is going to be as hard on themselves. I think I was born a naturally good person, and for the most part, my heart has been bigger than
average. I could have done better, and I would if I could go back in time. I have slowly allowed myself to become angry and bitter over the years, and
it has taken the innocent and good version of me and made it into something I don't like.
But I can hardly change it now. Not in a few days. But I can take comfort in the fact that I'm no murderer or rapist, and the worst thing I've ever
done in my life, as far as I know, is punch a guy in the face for beating up his girlfriend. And even still, I felt bad for it. Well, I've done other
bad things, I would take them back if I could. But I can't.
My response to the first half of ur post is quite similar..and the second half is great, while not perfectly ideal, no one is. Its those who make
efforts to change or get better because of the love of another that will help change things.
In the last few years its become clear to me that while my emotions clearly know and contain the anger and bitterness, I was always able to recognize
that in others, but I suddenly felt it coming from me... Because it is a true cycle that each person passes on to someone else along the way, I have
since made a deliberate effort in letting go of any anger or negative feelings, not because I want to even but more because I can tell you where each
complex, issue, insecurity, fear, and anger have stemmed from. The times that someone has let me down, made me sad or hurt, or feel inferior in any
way, or any person that I helped, was there for, gave love unconditionally to who then then took advantage of me, all the seemingly undeserved
injustices that we each encounter- because we have been made to feel that way by someone, the next time we're in a similar situation we act
differently, thinking we are protecting ourself. We hold back what we would otherwise have given. I saw that the thing we think is protecting our
emotions, in the bigger cycle of our existence, is actually the same thing creating the behaviors. I realized that until someone can be the exception,
to still love even when the actions of the receiver show they 'don't deserve' that because they definitely wouldn't do the same, even would for
sure do the opposite- I now see clearly that those are the times that continuing to love is the only way to stop the cycle. Its still so hard
sometimes to swallow the hurt and spit out the love... but I decided I'd rather have a life full of 'oh wells' than a mind full of 'what ifs' ...
At least at the end of the day I am okay in my own mind, not wondering if things could've been different if... instead I must see the clear
delineation that most people CHOOSE the end result. Yes we all make our own choices, but it must be understood and accounted for that we all do not
have the same things to choose from... to me the "golden rule" is truly the guide in my life... even if someone else or everyone else is constantly
breaking the rule, if they never see anyone follow the rule, why would they? Maybe some of us are here to help them. And really, whether we get the
hoped for results or the opposite, either way we learn and see and feel. So how can it not somehow be right? If it wasn't for the bad we aren't
always able to see or appreciate the good. I know that if it wasn't for my own mistakes I wouldn't have recognized this concept. So while I'm very
very far from perfect, I can honestly and truly say that I'm okay with things in me. I've always loved me a lot actually, but seeing that so many do
not feel the same about the self, seeing the perceived causes of the lack of self-love and the difficulties it creates for those who love us- well
that was enough for me to know I'd rather, I'd prefer even, to die than to live in a world that somehow let's love turn us hateful...