sleepong with married man, should i tell his wife?

I guess in the end my issue is with the two of them. As long as she doesnt bring him around my kids I will leave it alone. The kids are still very young and it worries me that they might get confused one day because mommy put herself before the family. The majority of the responses have suggested to take the high road. Thats probably best. Thank you everybody for the input. I almost took the low road.

Originally posted by whyamIhere
Take the high road.

Time to show some class for the sake of the kids.

Somebody needs too...

Show some class?!?! This person has done nothing wrong!


OP!
I have been in your situation and I kept my mouth shut because I was selfish and didn't want to be involved or have it affect me or cause a huge uproar. It got to the point where I wouldn't go to their family functions cause looking at her husband made me want to vomit! I knew what he was doing and my bf at the time helped cover it up. It made me sick. I wish I would have told her but I was young at the time and just stayed out of it. Her husband was sleeping with her BEST FRIEND and both her and her friends husband hadn't a clue. Oh I wish I told her before she found out the way she did. I wish would have sat her down and just told her as a friend.

I will say that when she did find out she took EVERYTHING from him and she deserved it 100% he was scum!


If I were you I'd say something maybe not to her but to someone neutral but for all the kids involved I'd wait til after the holidays even though their affair wont wait. Sickening....I despise people who cheat! If you aren't happy just leave instead of being a coward! She has a right to know sooner than later. This affair ruined your marriage so you have every right to let this persons family know what is going on, she is also RUINING her own marriage and family and is fooling everyone. Not cool!

Best of luck to you! *hugs*

reply to post by leemachino


Go to the man who your wife slept with and tell him, "Sir you will go to your wife and repent from having betrayed her to her face or she will find out another way, I want you to record it and send it to me so that I may know that you took care of this, its time to grow up and realize the pain you are inflicting so that you do not do this again to another persons spouse".

Or you can buy him a beer, get all the dirt on the details of it all & thank him for outing your wife now rather than later when you might far to old to develop another relationship with a faithful and truly loving woman...

You put the ball in his court this way and you do not have to feel that you divided his family but rather he did..

Yes tell her. She has every right to know. I just found out my husband of 33 years wants out. Wait until after Christmas though. Don't allow the guy to keep making a fool of her. She deserves better than that.

I'm seeing comments like "she will find out eventually anyway". Well no she won't.. that may be a convenient assumption to feel better for not telling her.. the choice is yours but make it for reasons that are real and not just easy.

In regard to keeping it from her family.. so she's asked you to do this for her yet she is trying to take everything you have? Why should you do her any favours? Has she offered you any assurences in return? Perhaps you should ask, She's given you a bargaining chip for if she gets really nasty.. besides which she may find going to court alot more difficult without moral and family support. Save that for a very rainy day and do it in such a way that doesn't alienate her family from you as they are important for your kids.

I do think his wife has a right to know but not over the holidays.. and how you want to do it is up to you. If she is a family friend then not telling her becomes your betrayal as well. Also keep in mind once his wife knows her family may find out anyway. Knowledge is sometimes power and while you may feel guilty about this it sounds like she may go on the attack anyway.

btw. I really hate thinking of someone's misfortune as a bargaining chip.. but I have also seen good parents lose their kids in a courtrooms to people who don't play fair. I am really not sure what I would do in your situation.

I went through the same thing.... I didn't say anything for fear that the divorce would get really ugly. I was right, WE agreed on the divorce and we ended up divorced 3 weeks later! Nothing lost on either side.

"There are only two types of women in this world, Goddesses and Doormats."

-Pablo Picasso

Sounds like you have a doormat. Make sure you wipe your feet well.
Oh and keep calm. If you must exact revenge, wait till a later date. The longer you wait, the sweeter it will be.

The manner in which this is handled can determine how your children behave and how your children view their parents in later years.
If you can take this on the chin with dignity, not make a scene about it, your children will see you as the one wronged against. If they see their dad making trouble for their mom, you will be seen as the villain. Don't forget, mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.

I absolutely agree that this guy should not be around your children; and I must admit it is slightly disturbing that these two made out they were family, presumably for the purpose of seeing each other without it being questionable?

It's such a shame no fault can be blamed in your divorce. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I can't imagine how you feel.
I really hope in time you can move on and find someone you can have a wonderful life with.

I went throught 16 years of child support for 3 kids.
Use it to get lower support payments.
An extra $100 per month for 16 years would have gone a long way.
I sucked up a lot of turds through the 16 years but I knew that I was paying less that what the court would have ordered.

The animosity inside never goes away but the extra cash in pocket will always garner a smirk inside. That way you will always have the last laugh inside.

If she doesn't go along with it or she wants the max out of you, drop a dime on her. It's not like you are trying to get her respect. She's already destroying another family. You being silent is not fix that.

You can always leave sleeping dogs lie. But they still need a bath and there's no reason you should have to smell them. Especially when they are not your dogs.

Drop the dime. F the B.

Originally posted by leemachino
I am currently going through a divorce. I just found out my soon to be ex wife has been carrying on an affair with a family friend. Im trying to decide if i should tell his wife. There are children involved with both families.

What do you guys think?

Contact a private detective, you may be able to use this information to your advantage in divorce proceedings.

reply to post by leemachino


get a private detective, gather proof of the affair, use the information during your divorce proceedings. take care of yourself first. everything else will fall into place once you are okay.

Originally posted by Night Star
Yes tell her. She has every right to know. I just found out my husband of 33 years wants out. Wait until after Christmas though. Don't allow the guy to keep making a fool of her. She deserves better than that.

Yes, she does deserve the truth.She is a human being with feelings and deserves much more respect than the 2 idiots are being given by keeping secrets for them. I dont know where these others get the idea it will be a "scene" .. I mean my god, they are adults. How horrible is it to KNOW someone is being deceived and keeping quiet about it. How cruel?!

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Gee, what if he beat his kids.. keep quiet and not cause a scene. She beats her animals.. lets keep quiet about it. That person stole something .. shhh dont wanna scene,now. Like the old days... if a child got molested.. shut the hell up, dont cause a scene.. gasp, what would the neighbors think? What ever happened to some moral fortitude? You see someone being beaten, raped, whatever.. you stay quiet?? Freaking gutless. Good god, speak up and do whats right. As if the kids arent aware some stuff is happening that isnt kosher. They arent oblivious since it sounds like those 2 cant possibly even wait for a divorce to screw.. what makes you think they arent being "affectionate" when in the kids' presence?

BTW, read the thread folks.. he said he was in a no fault state.. there is no evidence to be gathered by a pI or a recording and the other nonsense suggested that a judge would give a damn about. In the end.. the kids involved and the wife being played for a fool suffer more the longer things are hushed up and condoned by inaction. Lets teach the kids to keep bad things secret lest they create a scene.

Good lord.. am I from another planet or something where these things arent acceptable and victims are more important than the victimizers?

Gathering proof, hiring a PI etc would be a waste of time and money. In a No Blame Divorce law state, it's just not worth it. No point.
The best thing to do in my opinion, IF there are going to be custody issues, save it up for then.
It might not grant outright custody, but it will hopefully help to level the playing field a little bit, since women are most often granted custody of children.
Hopefully it doesn't come to that, but it's just a little something to consider.

Holidays are over. Tell the wife, be done with it, let them sort out the mess they created. Move on. Simple as that really.

My divorce wont be finalized until March. I think I will wait until its over. To make the proceedings go easier.