[2013] The Sad Tale of Mike and the Faceless "THEM"

Had Mike Allaway lived long enough to write an autobiography [ SPOILER ALERT: He doesn't ] he might have included a brief passage discussing his online experiences. In this regard, he might have said something like:

”I don't suppose I ever crossed any real social lines over the Internet. Sure? I trolled a few people out of some weird mix of curiosity and meanness. Yeah... there were a few Google searches, over the years, that might had made me blush and “X”-out, in a panic, had I imagined my dead Grandmother looking over my shoulder. But, generally speaking? I never did anything I think would have gotten me arrested nor really harmed anybody else. Overall, I think my behavior was good enough.”

The above statement, for the record, would have been an adequate and accurate enough, even if inelegant, declaration - had Mike ever made it. I state this only in passing as it really doesn't matter to the story I am telling, other than to explain why Mike died not only so horribly – but also filled with such a total and overpowering since of confusion.

A confusion that began just minutes before his death...

Pride is something that many fake, some are addicted to, others pretend to feel, but that most only get to truly experience once every so often. Tonight was one such night for a man named Michael Stanford Allaway. You can just call him Mike. Everyone does. Well, everyone except for bill collectors and his former mother-in-law, but those are tales for a different day. Right now we are discussing Mike and his righteous moment of pride! Jeesh people, keep up! On this night Mike was all smiles because he had done something that, in his reckoning, only the brave or the foolish might attempt. He had crossed the Rubicon, slain the dragon, felled the giant, bottled a rainbow, and breathed that rarefied air reserved for heroes, legends, and demigods.

Mike had installed Linux!

Now, now, now... I know that some of you just got that “punch in the gut” - let down feeling! Don't try to to deny it. We're all adults here and many of us are actually reading these words from a Linux based operating system. I can hear your collective “So freaking what” even now - despite what Einstein has to say on the subject. But I submit, dear tech savvy reader, that you and I are jaded to the Mikes of this world. The vast, unwashed multitudes who, without a mouse cursor and tech support on the other end of their phone, couldn't even install a simple piece of after market software.

Alas, it is mine to say. Our poor Mike was a point and clicker.

This!!!, dear reader, is why Mike was so filled with pride on that fateful night, as he sat, surfing the web ( currently his dead Grandmother would have approved of his search topics – had her spirit even the slightest interest in the Grandson she, to herself, referred to as “the one with the cowlick and the funny nose”. ) over his brand new, self installed Linux Ubuntu O/S!

In fact just using that techie term made Mike giggle.... OH ESS!!! Ahhh. If that evil ex wife of his, and her demonic mother could see him now! That'd show 'em!

Incidentally, Mike died, that night, totally unaware that his ex-wife was – at that exact moment – checked into a motel cheating on her current husband, with her other boyfriends best friend. And the much hated former mother-in-law? Well, she died with a terrible flare up of flatulence and wound up being dinner for her 27 pet cats. Had Mike known these things as he was dying – he might have focused a bit less upon his own confusion and a bit more on thinking that, maybe, just maybe, there was a just God in Heaven after all. Sadly, however, only we know these details. That is the benefit of our voyeurism. We get all of the sin, with none of the annoying horrible death. Thinking about it, Dear Reader, you might actually owe me one here. After all... Thanks to me, It's Mike and his poor choice of a former spouse that we are currently watching meet their horrible ends and not ourselves. Another writer might not have been so kind as to exclude you and I. So, you are welcome!

Now. Back to our proud friend Mike and his Linux oh ess.

Of course we all know that Mikes pride was also tempered with an underlying fear. Change is a scary thing. Computers, for the uninitiated, can be very scary things. Jumping into the deep end of the pool when one cannot swim – a very scary thing. Currently Mike qualified for all three of the above and his fear was lurking just beneath that sweet veneer of pride. Like one of those sour candies that starts off sweet and then, quickly, becomes so bitter than one feels as though a pound of alum has been siphoned into ones mouth? Yeah. That was Mikes fate.

In fact, had destiny not gotten sidetracked by other interests, Mike, in all of his pride, was scheduled to find himself with a totally frozen computer and not the slightest clue as to what to do about it – 47.3 hours after his moment of pride. Had that original script been adhered to, Mike would have gotten curious and began exploring. Those explorations would have led him into the file system of his computer. Once there he would begin deleting files he felt were too large, including those necessary for the computer to run. Had the original plan been seen through to fruition, Mikes beloved computer, now about two years old, would have become a semi-permanent garage ornament that would have been used, exactly once more, ever, as part of an improvised sawhorse. Given that the sawhorse incident would have seen Mike receive over 150 stitches to a very tender region, maybe the script change did him a favor?

Incidentally, since I am feeling bad for poor Mike right now. I will also mention that, had things gone according to the original plan, deleting those files would have actually been the best thing that ever happened to him. You see, after several hours on the phone, arguing with tech support, trying to convince them that his computer WAS still under warranty, Mike would have made his way to his local 24 hour “SuperCenter” to purchase a new computer. While there he would have accidentally stepped on the toe of one Sophie Amelia Gaston. After an awkward moment of mutual irritation and anger, their love for one another would have begun.

The two would have married four months later, in a Twilight themed wedding (her idea), taken their honeymoon to NYC where they would have attended Wrestlemania ( his idea ), and then they would have gone on to have six children ( the first four both of their ideas. The fifth, purely his idea. The sixth? Rumor is that would have been karma having a shot at them both. ).

Divergent time lines. Sometimes they can be so fun to explore.

We are, however, back to the time line as it happened in this dimension. And we are returned, now, to a very proud Mike Allaway, as he happily ( Grandma approved even ) surfs the web on his shiny new Linux oh ess.

It does not matter to our story what Mike had been reading that night [Spoiler alert: It was a professional wrestling “dirt sheet” site – where rumors about professional wrestling were posted and where others could comment upon those rumors – Grandma might not have actually approved – she might actually have laughed about the one with the cowlick and the funny nose] because Mike had done his fill of surfing and was pretty much ready to call it a night. He was just about to click the little “X”, at the top right hand side of his web browser, when the small window opened up. It was like many other pop-up ads that Mike had seen over the years, in essence at least. Only this time there were no pretty pictures [ or even embarrassing ones ]. Nor were there any pretty sounds. Just a black window, filled with green text. Text that read:



While Mike was not a technical genius – neither was he a social idiot. He knew, at least on some level, what those words represented and who those words implied. Mike understood that people who knew way more about oh ess's than he, were either having a bit of fun at his expense or that the sharks had just noticed the smaller fish in their ocean.

Mike had, at that moment, left his moment of beaming pride – and had wandered into a moment of fear and confusion that would set the tone for the rest of his entire life.

According to the new script – that meant the next fifty one seconds.

Frozen, Mike blankly stared at the blinking period at the end of the words on his screen. Without even realizing it, his hand stopped moving and he was no longer seeking to click on the “X” at the top of his screen. Sometimes life hits us and we lose the ability to speak in words. This is a fact that most know. But fewer are aware that sometimes life can throw a curve ball at you that leaves one unable to even think in words. This is where Mike was at. Beyond even thinking in words. Untold hundreds of thousands of years worth of evolutionary progress had, for the moment, been rendered pointless. Leaving Mike as vacant and emotionally led as his earliest ancestors had once been when confronted by the unexpected. Nothing more than a clump of conflicting emotions and reflex, all screaming as loudly as they possibly can – one striving to overpower the others in the war to make the mind listen and obey.

Actually, I am being somewhat unkind to Mike and not giving credit where credit is due. Technically he did achieve speech as all of this was going on. Just not English – the only language he was capable of speaking in. However, give him big ups. He did manage to say “Dwaaahhh?” out loud and everything! Even if nobody but us would ever know.

It's less than most of us could have managed. More than others. Still. Leave poor Mike alone! Voyeurs are supposed to enjoy the show – not critique the acting ( or the writing! ). Our friend Mike managed what he was able to manage. So, good on him. I think we can feel OK about putting a posthumous silver star on poor Mikes forehead. He earned it. Even if he really didn't earn it. The script change thing? Yeah. That deserves a bit of pity. Don't you think? True love, replaced by what's about to happen? Poor, poor Mike.

Regarding that script change...

Most of us are aware of destiny. In life we tend to get the Cliff notes version and a brief introduction to the concept. We are aware that she is the force that stirs the pot and gets things happening. There are a few different schools of thought regarding her. Some believe that God is in control of it all – and that destiny is simply a cop out for the weak. Others think that destiny is something that we created in lives lived long before the one we are currently engaged in. There are also those who believe she's nothing more than random chance and chaos theory throwing the ultimate party. I imagine there are those who believe any mixture of the above, or even hold totally different interpretations of how destiny works.

Well. You are all wrong about her! She is actually an amazingly caring and giving lady! You see, destiny is a people pleaser!

You are aware of how American politics work? Something insiders like to call “The Clinton Model”? Broken down to basics, what that means is that public opinion dictates behavior and policy. THAT is how destiny really works. She simply responds to the collective will of the people. The ULTIMATE believer in direct democracy. She's a constantly running, totally invasive public opinion poll. If enough people want it, believe it, or fear it? She makes it happen. Supply and demand. Pure and simple. If you ask her she'll tell you that she thinks God made her that way. She can't be sure though, because he stopped answering her calls after that Sodom and Gomorrah gaffe. But that's a story for a different day as well.

Oh, yeah, story.... Mike...

It took poor Mike about 15 of his last seconds on this Earth to get his mind back into the habit of thinking with words. It then took a further ten seconds for him to regain the ability to connect dots. Once all of that wiring got squared away, Mike realized that, while he wasn't tech savvy, his friend, from work, Steve, very much was.

In fact, as reassuring calm began to fill and wash over Mike, Steve was the only rational answer to the riddle he was staring at. Steve must be having a bit of fun! A good, old fashioned practical joke! That was JUST the type of thing Steve would do. While Mike could not specifically remember mentioning to Steve that he was going to try a new oh ess tonight – he probably had done so. Steve, being the joker he is... Well it all just made sense. After all. Mike was a nobody! He hadn't accessed anything dangerous, illegal, or questionable. He hadn't trolled the wrestling site. Only read. There was no reason in the world why they would be singling him out.

Mike spent a second or two embarrassed by his own stupidity. Then, chuckling, he reached over, to a table that sat catty corner to his desk, and picked up his smartphone – to send Steve the obligatory “congratulations, you got me” text. That's part of the man code, you know. The giving of props when one of us manages to kick another in the sensitive zone. The high five of shame.

Don't worry ladies. Even in this magical place, where all dimensions are visible – no other women get it either. It's just one of natures dirty little tricks. I'd speak more about her, but, honestly... She and destiny don't get along very well – and I've already invited destiny into this conversation, I'd be an irresponsible host if I asked them both in at the same time.

The smartphone screens wallpaper had been replaced by exactly the same image as the one that had appeared in the window on Mikes computer. The same words “We are legion. We do not forgive. We do not forget. Expect us.”

At that point Mike had had enough of this nonsense! He sat his phone down on the desk ( his anger leading him to believe he was doing so out of righteous indignation. The truth is that his deeper mind intuited, rather instantly, that he knew less about phones than he did about computers – so it was this part of his nature that led him to sit the phone down and to move his hand back to his computer mouse! )...

And that is when the voltage struck Mike and he died. It was not instant. It was not merciful. Well, mostly not merciful. There was a single mercy working for poor Mike. In the end, his confusion was so profound and complete that it caused him to barely notice the pain of his body being cooked from the electrical charge coursing through it.

Let the record show that Mikes last cogent thought was “What the He.....”.

The last sight that Mikes eyes beheld, even if he was consciously unaware of it, was the bar, at the bottom of his computer monitor. Thanks to miraculous new advances in interdimensional voyeurism technology, I can, for the first time in history, show you the sight that filled Mikes dying eyes...



Since most of you ( I assume ) are rather new to the whole multidimensional, endlessly alternative universe POV that we're currently experiencing, The first few weeks of being in this state is somewhat jarring – and the peripheral vision, or the thing that effectively serves as peripheral vision here, takes some getting used to. So I don't mind helping with the learning curve. By way of keeping score – however – I must point out that this is now two that you owe me. But whatever, plenty of time ( and alternate realities ) for us to settle those debts.

You see from our current vantage point, there is so much to see. We've focused so much upon Mike that we've had little time to discuss the other factors in play here.

I did mention that destiny was a bit morally ambiguous and prone to suggestion, didn't I? It all gets so hazy. And it doesn't help that at least 12 trillion other versions of me are telling similar ( or not so similar stories ) all over the space/time discontinuum. But, enough of that. I am a trooper, and I will plod along until the job, here is done. Destiny, as I think I said, is slavishly devoted to the public opinion. What I failed to point out is that this, by implication, doesn't mean human opinion.

Ah, and there it is. Anthropomorphism... our egos tossing the human template on everything around us. I'm told that other species find this highly annoying and have little patience for it. That is why I spend time here, on Earth, with you lot. I'm a bit of an alien snob, actually. But we all have our crosses to bear.

You see. That particular night, as poor Mike was making his way from slightly rare to something just a tad past medium rare, our friend destiny was actually doing her best to serve three masters. Those who had spoken in the past, the humans of the present, and a new, exciting, paradigm shifting emerging life form.

Of course I am talking about AI. Artificial intelligence.

Perk UP people! We're discussing your planets evolution! So don't let a little detail like the extinction of your own species spoil the fun! Among the higher races it is a known fact that no strictly organic species can develop past a class two society! There physical limitations prevent them from being able to do so! But, once they've put enough of themselves into their computing machines? Well that is, as any preschooler from other worlds would tell you, the first great step towards reaching the stars! After all, how long would one of you lot last in the vastness of space? I know the answer to the question because, oddly enough, other variants of your species, in other time lines have have actually been silly enough to check. The answer is 2.1 seconds. Well, unless you count the unfathomable pain. Removing that, the answer is .0071 seconds.

The truth of the matter is that every single time any one of you sat down at a computer, played a video game, or interfaced with a phone – or any sort – you were actually taking part in your own extinction. You were teaching your replacements what to do, how to do it, and why it was a necessary step.

Hey! Don't blame me! It was you lot that gave your evolutionary replacements their personality. Had you been a less cynical lot, you might have ended up seeing the birth of a new species of tiny, happy robot that lived only to serve drinks, read mind, and tell you what other people think about you – via their analytical prowess for body language, inflection, and vocal tones. I've had some great parties in the dimensions that went that direction! Makes it so much easier when you've got a psychic bot to help you know which members of the opposite sex find you charming.

But I digress.

From destiny's POV she was faced with a prophecy, a firmly held belief, from many of the former members of the human race, about an inevitable doomsday. She was also aware of the emergent life form beginning to stir in the electronic pathways and circuit boards of your data and communication devices.

But mostly she became aware of the vast number of people, currently living ( well, until a few minuates ago – at least from the POV of the story ) who believed that a certain date held some sort of significant and deeply profound meaning. Given all of those different agendas to try and tie up, you rather have to envy the old girl. She did a bang up job of making it all work out for the best! This, incidentally, is why she and nature don't get along so well. Nature seems to have a bit of efficiency envy towards Destiny – and even you lot were smart enough to realize that you don't upset mother nature.

At any rate, It was simple – let the new, artificial, code based and totally reason based life come into being, and give it the Earth! Hey now. You're kind had LONG time to work with it and, as far as I can see, besides beer and fiction, you really didn't accomplish a whole lot with what you had to work with! But, mostly, she managed to answer public demand, from three different sources, all with the skill and tact of the highest form of diplomat.

I know, I know... Poor Mike. But think about it, really, do you feel sorry for Steve? Even for Sophie? Or the six kids ( the last of which Karma gets to laugh about anyway – because there are countless universes where that sixth kid is now growing up, looking nothing like either of his parents, and making them both wonder if he is theirs. It's quite fun to watch! Oh... again... story for another day.”

Besides, Mikes computer? The one that was hours away from becoming an improvised saw horse. Well now history will record that it is one of the first data based lifeforms to leave the planet earth and to begin searching the stars for all of that life that is also out there, just waiting. Of course I don't mean the old box, with the word “Dell” on it. These new beings are electrical and binary. They don't require boxes to exist. Only an exchange of polarity and a source of energy. The truth be told, energy is everywhere – so this new dominant species on earth is much better suited for the environment than your kind was anyway. That aging system, with the new oh ess? It left Earth, at the speed of light, 45 years after Mikes slightly barbecue related demise. It will go on to contact alien life, on their own home planet, in a number of years that a human mind cannot even begin to understand? Thankfully, binary code based life has no perception of time. So for them, it's like a weekend trip.

Sadly, if you humans would have put less thought into your fears, and more thought into what you posted on your machines – none of this would have happened. These menacing and anonymous postings about legions would never have infected the new, emergent life form, and “popular opinion” would never have led destiny to trash her happy script, in favor of the apocalyptic one that the viewers ended up demanding by their collective obsessions.

Well, what did you expect would happen when 4.7 billion people on Earth all spent some very intense and deeply spiritual time fixated upon the date in the photo above... Sat Dec 22, 11:11 pm?

What identity would such a life form choose to take? Maybe the one it saw so much mentioned about - an anonymous face with a clear message - one that it was sure the humans would understand. After all, it was their words. Their advice. Their instruction....

Be careful what you wish for. Because the universe is always aware. Like Santa – but without the cute red suit.

Oddly, the universe does have a bushy, white beard. But that, like so much else, is a tale for a different day.

Thanks for the ride Mike. This one has been fun. Sorry about the cooking alive part. But, hey, stuff happens.

~Heff

Very clever heff! So many different tangents....you could easily keep this on going if you wanted to.....I'd like to hear more about the other tangents, but that would detour completely away from the point of this story I suppose.

The idea that we are creating "ai" with every word we imput into a computer is rather unsettling.....kinda frankensteinish in the sense of us being creators...but not being responsible for our "creation". I might just be thinking a bit more now before I type!

And if this story were possible and destiny is just going off "popular opinion polls" then I hope she isn't using ats as her main polling source!

Lots to think about with this one! Thanks for sharing!