Help/advice needed from all

Ok. I need some advice from some non-biased people who don't know me or my life at all.

So I started working at a place that I have worked before. A girl that used to work there with me also recently started back again. From the get go I had a "thing" for her. Never pursued it the first time around because neither she not I was available.

Cut to a couple months later. After flirting back and forth for a bit during work, one night I get a random text from said girl saying "This is ____. Save my number."

"Wow!" I thought to myself. "This is awesome!!" and I of course saved her info.

So that was the beginning. A few nights later (after texting almost non-stop back and forth every day all day) I invited her over to hang out for a bit and have a beer. She accepted. Showed up, and we really hit it off. I discovered that we have many thing in common, and it helped to "break the ice". Cut to a few days later. She wants to bring her daughter and herself to spend the day with me while her son is at school. "AWESOME!!" I thinks to myself, and readily accept.

So, this is what we do for almost three months. We text each other all day, everyday. From "Good morning" to "Good night". She brings her daughter to my house a few times a week, during the day and we hang out, talk, and whatnot. I go to her house a couple times and hang out.

During this three months, there is talk of moving in together (which I thought was a really good thing), there is her giving me "pet names" in texts (dear, babe, love--which is a REALLY REALLY good thing!)...Other little things that I picked up on that I KNOW were signs that she really liked me... The intimate parts happened during this time as well, but that's actually not all that important to me. We have "slept" together, and by that I mean actual sleep. And cuddled.

And during this time of getting to know her, I fell and I fell hard for her.

Cut to a couple of weeks ago. We make plans to hang out on a Friday while her son is at his dad's house. Things have to change from varying circumstances and we cannot hang out that Friday, but the following Saturday night is good to go. I hang out with her til almost 2 in the morning. We watched some house hunter crap, but it was all good. Didn't matter what was on the tube cause I with her. I kissed her goodbye, and let her know that I made it home safely.

Next day, Sunday, we did our usual "good morning" text, got the usual responses, and proceeded to carry on with business as normal for the day, periodically texting our status and whatnot. Except that after about 6pm I received no responses.
I periodically texted, maybe once every hour and a half. Just a "hey, whatya doin" kind of thing. After several hours, at about 1130 or so, I started to get worried, cause this was not "normal" to me. After three months of everyday, all day, to get no response was "normal". So I expressed my worry in my last text of the night.

Cut to following Monday morning. I wake up early and text my "good morning", only to be replied with "what was with all the worrying?" "I went to bed. Damn".

I responded with something to the effect that it wasn't "normal". So for the rest of the day, almost no contact whatsoever. Sent my good night later in the evening.

The next day, Tuesday, I awake and send my normal good morning. The response I get is "Dont hate me, but I dont want to date nemore". Just like that. In a text message.

I got no explanation, just that. And in my bewilderment at her statement, I didn't ask why. Just proceeded to ask a couple three questions. One, "was it something I did or didn't do" and two, "will you still accept the xmas presents that I have gotten for you and your children" three was "can we still be friends? She has been my best friend in my mind for three, almost four months now...

Answer to one was "no, I just don't want to be in a relationship right now"
and two was "is that appropriate?",
and three was "yes" WOOHOO!!!

I did not at the time address the answer to number one, and instead focused on number two, as I had already gotten them things, all of them based on things that we had talked about over the last few months. The presents are specific to her and her children. I told that yes, it is appropriate, because the material things that I have were procured for you and your children before this "bomb" was dropped on me.

She accepted the presents.

After accepting, we once again text back and forth all day long, about mundane things that we are doing. This is initiated by her telling me what's going on right now in her life...etc.

Cut to next day. She asks if I want to go with her and her children to the park. I enthusiastically say yes! We go, have a good time. Later I text and thank her for inviting me. She says thank you for helping with the kids. I say no problem, anytime. Then, I asked why she made the decision she made.

She says that she doesn't want to be tied down. That she doesn't have "time to date, what with the kids and all". That she doesn't want to feel obligated. That her ex has turned her off from dating. That she's gotten used to being single.

And here is where I address the answer to my question number one above to her.

I do not want her to feel obligated or tied down. I am in love with her, and have made this fact known to her previously. She has made time to spend with me for the last few months...wtf happened in two days to make her change her mind? I am not in any way shape or form even remotely comparable to the "ex" that she is referring to.

I am miserable. She still talks to me every day like the past few months never happened, still texts me out of the blue with what she might happen to be doing at the time.

I want to go to her an tell her that I miss the sh!t out of her and have things back to how they were a few weeks ago, but I do NOT want to lose her friendship. I value that more than anything.

So, what can I do? Keep pining for her and feeling miserable all the time? Ask her the "real" reason that she decided that she didn't "want to date nemore"? (cause I don't buy her reason...not even for a second and I don't know why...)

advice ATS?

Ok, you want advice?

Do the Television quiz and you will know your answer. Just pick a few genres of tv shows and ask yourself how the situation would play out if this were a ....

Comedy
Drama
Sci-Fi/Fantasy
Reality

And then realize that relationships with women are a lot like quicksand, the more you struggle against "it's will", the more it pulls you in. You get what i am saying?

You're going to get umptyleven different pieces of advice. I wouldn't know how to tell you which one is right. Good luck.

My thought is that she will give you only what she wants to give you. Pushing, pleading, begging for more than she wants to offer in the way of information or relationship will not help you a bit. Is there any way you can tone down your massive passion for her? Sometimes it gets hard to think straight when we're in that condition.

I would suggest accepting what she's given you as true, then be patient for awhile to see how it develops. As a contingency plan, you may want to prepare yourself for the news that she doesn't want a big thing with you.

Oh, and women always seem to want to be "friends." Check with others, but I think that's a kiss of death.

In other words there are something like 3.3 billion women on the planet, rule out the kids and the old ladies, and there is still a pretty good chance one of them will want to have sex with you.

Or keep the old ladies and go 'Cougar Hunting.'

She told you she doesn't want a relationship right now. That means she doesn't want to be with you.


This is really where you should leave it. BUT if you want her attention, find a more attractive girl, spend some time with her, post pictures of you two on Facebook, mention the new girl in offhand comments.


Most importantly: Don't beg, don't show her anything bothers you, be positive when you talk with her. If there's one thing girls can't deal with, it's losing the affection of a guy who goes out and continues living his life happily with other attractive women.

This sounds a lot like what was happening to an old work colleague.

He was in love with her, took her children out and spent great times with this grl but whenever it started to get more serious she didn't want to know and came out with stuff like ''i'n not looking for anything just yet''.

Move on and don't let her get your emotions running. Women are hard work and so are we but if she doesn't want a relationship then find someone who does. I'm sure, if you were to find someone then her true feelings for you will show and if they don't, you'll know for sure.

I have been in a position where I was in love but she only wanted to be friends. You cannot continue like that. It won't work.

Good luck and I hope things turn out well for you.

Dear plan B,

I read your whole message, as grueling as it was, I have been there.

I'm also a Jedi so listen up son....

She slept with "someone" that night, she wasn't "sleeping". Her anger is a defensive, regret, mechanism. I'd guess her kids' dad but that's just a guess. I say that because she seems to be the type to need to go slow through the whole "getting to know you" process, whcih she's done with the daddy already, so the off set expression to you is because she had an "instant" connection that night with someone.

She likes you, but she is in a lot of self doubt and can;t foresee the best future for herself right now... being with you, or plan A. They label each guy by numerical order, sometimes by "best choice" order, but most guys are similar in many ways.

If you hold her actions against her and try to use them to hurt her, because you are hurt, she will pull away from you and more towards plan A.

You are in a tough spot my friend.
I am glad I hate women and am not in your position, again.. They are all nuts.
I'm a Jedi, and when I asked the Force if all women were crazy, the Force said to me, "... duh?"

Apologies to the female Jedi out there, all 4 of you/

Sounds like she is scared (almost wary) to embrace this change in her life and progress with the relationship.

I'm guessing she's been burnt before in the past, and is probably wondering whether you are the real deal.

Maybe she feels like things are moving too fast and that she is not ready to commit just yet?

Or, maybe it could be a test to see how you would react...

It's hard to say without meeting her, but I'd say you haven't done anything wrong so far and keep doing what you're doing.

Continue being there for her and she eventually realise this and make the choice to move the relationship to the next stage.

reply to post by edaced4


Dude you will never be able to fully understand what any woman is thinking. They work completely differently to blokes. So don't waste your time and emotions trying to figure them out.

My advice would be to find several other female friends and let them all know you have loads of friends. That will keep them interested and have as much fun as you can handle.

Whatever you do, do not under any circumstances whatsoever get married to any of them unless you want to have a very miserable existence.

You have been warned.

reply to post by JibbyJedi


That's what I'm thinkin, she doinked the ex.

Listen OP, let this one go.
It has children that will never see you as any good and nowhere as good as their "real" Daddy, it has hang ups and alot of other worries most probably.
Find yourself another one that can make a clean go at it, there are plenty out there.
I am just glad Jibby did not instruct you to use the force, usiing force just lands you in jail.
So.....This is not the girl you are looking for. /waves hand.

I'll be straight up with you. Not trying to offend, just telling it like it is with some hard advice. When someone breaks up with you, accept it and move on. Most people have a certain degree of insecurity. Some fall prey to begging, calling back, asking why, wanting just one more chance, then it's given out of pity, and then they watch things bounce around unpredictably all over the place as you have. And wonder why. The answer is the person is just done so let it be done. The reason you need to move on is if she were really in love with you, she wouldnt' have broken up with you. You didn't get that part. Hold your chin up, go forward and don't look back. Love only moves forward. You have been blinded. One person's love is Not enough to carry a relationship so stop living in the dream. Break if off and move on. Yeah, it will hurt a lot but you WILL get over it. Love can die. Let it. Time is a great healer. New love will come along. You shouldn't have insisted she take the gifts because.... she broke up with you. You should have returned them or donated them somewhere. Your intent and desire didn't matter any more. She broke up with you - that means it's over!! Over. Done. Some people just can't process the words, "I'm breaking up with you" because their lost in their heart and don't have a grip on reality in their head. Examine yourself hard. Further contact is somewhat stalking, which is a sign of mental instability. So get your head right - you're the one that's off - not her. She had the sense to end it whether she's completely sane or not. But now you've tapped into her insecurity and it's a mess. For the kids sake, Geez! stop being selfish for your needs - leave her alone and allow her the space to find someone she really loves. If you love someone, set them free. Otherwise, it's your problem, not theirs. Your insecurity forced you to hang on and now you're only getting scraps. Now it will be much, much harder the loooonnnger you hang on. So, get a grip, be stong, and YOU break it off. Tell her you should never have contacted her back. Apologize and go on your merry way and learn whatever lessons you can from it.

Bottom line is - just because you love somebody, doesn't mean you HAVE to be with them. Love can happen a lot for some people. That's a good thing. But it doesn't mean you need to get married and walk into the sunset for the rest of your life every time it happens. But when love's not returned, don't turn it into a bad thing. Then it's misery - like you're feeling. Be thankful you had that time ! and move on to bigger and better things. Why would you even want someone who would do that to you anyway? Love can also destroy your own self-respect if you aren't careful. I never did like the saying, "Follow your heart." Really, people need to put their brain in gear before they throw their heart on the accelerator.

I'm sorry I've sounded cruel but to see people pining away and wasting their time with others who have tried to end it is just sad and sometimes pathetic. I'm shaking you by your shoulders! Open your eyes!

Many thanks for your replies. I will take all of them to heart. I wasn't looking for anyone when we found each other, just happened to fall that way. I very much value her friendship before anything else, and do not want to do anything to jeopardize that. I know that I will "get over it", eventually. Perhaps given time, she will change her mind. I don't know.

Originally posted by edaced4
Many thanks for your replies. I will take all of them to heart. I wasn't looking for anyone when we found each other, just happened to fall that way. I very much value her friendship before anything else, and do not want to do anything to jeopardize that. I know that I will "get over it", eventually. Perhaps given time, she will change her mind. I don't know.

Best of luck