Need Some Honesty from all you Single Men Out There

He's fishing....it doesn't me he doesn't like you...but he's fishing for ass...thats all there is to it. Certain men I believe become bitter about things...and are always on the hunt.

Nowadays with technology so readily available we can communicate in an incident. When I was younger we had to use a landline phone and hope they were home and have several conversations before meeting....now you can text at 0600 and by the end of the day youre swapping nudie photos....it is just to easy to stray. I got rid of facebook for this very reason....too much temptation...if youre having a rough time and your ex is having a rough time and they message you...it is easier to fall into a trap.

My advice is to move on asap...if you confront him you'll get a bull# story every time. Sorry miss...I wish you the best of luck.

posted by nerbot: "This may sound harsh but it seems like you're happy to discuss this with the whole world so far except the one person you should."

This is actually a very good point, though not in the way he/she meant it I think...

What I've noticed in my life is that we chicks tend to talk out our problems with our friends etc, so, by the time the guy hears about it, we've had maybe hooouuuurs of conversation about it, and he's hearing it for the first time. So, it's hard for him to be on the same page, y'know? Like, we're all ready near the end of the chess game, as an example, and he doesn't even know there's a game going, y'know? I really worked on breaking that habit, beyond a short, 'what do you think?', but not totally talk it to death before talking to the person it actually concerns. Plus, often times, a friend who's either mad at her man, or conversely, lovey dovey, can really affect the kind of advice you get, y'know? It is a strange phenomenon that when one chick in the group of friends is having trouble with her man, very often it like, spreads...Do guys do this too? lol. Also, sometimes people can't stand to see other people happy when/if they're not, and will undermine you, even when not doing it consciously. Man, I'm cynical...lol. Nah, just real...

In this particular situation though, I tend to think, yeah...dog...If he was surfing porn, that'd be totally different. That's being curious, that's window-shopping. The dating site that you both agreed to quit, is shady, IMO.

Now, I have to say that a couple things jumped out at me:

1. You say you implicitly trust your friend. Okay, you know her, I don't...But...What was this happily married friend doing on a dating site?!

2. You said he had no self esteem/confidence when you met...RED FLAG!!!

3. You say you lack confidence and/or gun-shy yourself. Well, nothing wrong with that, but, that is like blood in the water for creeps, honestly. They see you coming from a mile away. You gotta work on that, or you'll keep attracting losers/users/creeps and worse. Just my opinion. You'll be better off for it anyway, right?

Anyway, good luck

It's been my experience that you meet 'the right one' when you're not looking, y'know? Got a flat tire, the guy that stops to help you, that kind of thing.

Or, more often, 3 cool guys show up right when you've met someone cool, after months of nothing...lol

Keep your chin up! You're your own best friend, or your worst. If you aren't happy with yourself, no one will make you happy; they honestly couldn't, and it's not up to them. That would turn out to be an unhealthy relationship.

Oh, and one more thing: keep yourself busy, that helps, and when you meet someone, KEEP BUSY! Seriously, keep doing all the things you did before for the most part. I had a buddy point this out - "You ever notice how you meet someone, they've got this busy life, everything's cool, you hang out a couple times a week...Then, a month or two later, they're there all.the.time...Like, didn't they used to have a life? Friends? Stuff they did without you?" Another total RED FLAG! And for yourself, if you find yourself doing it.

Anyway...whew, sorry to ramble on! lol. Like I said, Good Luck!

You are correct that life is too short. Once the drama starts you need to cut and run. Soap operas are for afternoon TV only.

reply to post by network dude


i agree, i am in the same boat as OP . though i am a middle aged guy. cant find women to take things serous.it makes it harder for me and OP when the opposite sex pull moves that the one in the OP said. its guys and girls really. there are some nice girls out there just like there are some nice guys out there. we are just really really rare. or were ugly and ppl don;'t know what there missing in till years go by and they are not as hot as they once were.
I'm a nice guy. been single my whole life trying real hard to find that special someone. ppl now a day just jump around. cheat on each other. i don;t want that. i would like to see a real women. honest,loyal,dependable. and does not sleep with my friends when i am at work.

reply to post by UnknownEntity4U


Aw, you keep your chin up too, Unknown. Good Luck to you too

(Maybe take a class or course, or volunteer doing something you like doing? Good way to meet like-minded people, and even if you don't, it's good stuff anyway...)

To the OP (I very rarely post on here),

Is the sky blue? If you have any sort of feeling that he's doing wrong, he probably is. I was on a dating site (OKCupid). I consider myself a handsome guy as well and have never had issues meeting women but decided to give the site a try since my friend kept pestering me after a 5 year break up with my ex. I joined and shortly after met a wonderful woman. We decided to delete our profiles since we FOUND WHAT WE WERE LOOKING FOR. He's obviously scouring profile looking for an easy score.

If it makes you feel better you're obviously his "main squeeze, main girl, favorite" but he's probably checking out other chicks. If you really want to nail the head you would ask him "Have you messaged anyone you were interested in after you met and established all this mumbo jumbo (life plans) with me?

To all the other people saying "He's probably looking for friends" I'd like to take the time to call you a nifnard. It's a DATING site for Christ's sake. He's looking for a F Buddy.

Remember some men are animals and prey on weakness. I was once an animal in my earlier dating years (I'm 27 now) and karma came back to bite me in the ass with my ex (cheated on me twice).

Hope this sort of helps. I apologize in advanced for the bluntness but it's all I know.

Not necessarily referring to your situation, but I always laugh about girls who complain about all guys being assholes, or whatever...

Because none of my friends are assholes, but 90% of woman act as though said friends dont even exist when you put them in a room with a handful of asshole guys.. we're just as attractive physically, just as successful, funny, intelligent.. but something about assholes attracts women to them. Not the case for all women, and some seem to slowly change as we get older, but generally this has been the case in my experience.


As for this particular guy, did you meet on the website? maybe he was looking back through old conversations. Perhaps he was just there for (insert a million reasonable explanations) ... There is the possibility that he was there looking for new dates, of course. I certainly wouldnt jump to any conclusions because a friend saw that they were online though.

Did you confirm that the profile your friend sent is actually his? did you visit his profile?

reply to post by timidgal


Perhaps he was telling someone else that he's met you and will be taking his profile down and not to try to contact him?

I know from the online dating I've done that it can be very addictive. Attention is attention and it can give you quite an ego boost, perhaps he feels not good enough for you and is worried that you might end it? I met the girl I'm seeing now online dating and I kept my profile for at least a month after we were exclusive, just in case she didn't like me as much as I thought. In fact I still haven't permanently deleted it, its just hidden from searches on there.

Please don't assume all men are horny idiots just out for as much action as they can get. Some of us can be quite insecure.

Originally posted by timidgal
...what is it that drives you to stray? Can someone please explain this insanity to me?

Same thing that drives women to stray just as much as men... and if recent surveys are to be believed, possibly even more than men these days.

When you figure that out, then perhaps we can start dealing with the insanity.

Cultural reference: In Bridget Jone's Diary there is a plot point regarding Hugh Grant and Colin Firth where supposedly on the day of Hugh Grant's wedding he "catches Colin Firth having sex with his wife to be". Later we find out it was the other way around. It is worth noting that the movie does not portray it as "catches his wife to be having sex with person x".

The movie makes a BIG DEAL about the guy being a complete jerk for having done so and even leads them to get into a fist fight and a ruined friendship. The movie however gives absolutely no acknowledgement or recognition that the female is the one who did the true violation of trust part of the deed. In fact all told Hugh Grant will have done Colin Firth a favor as he will have shown that the woman he was about to marry is the sort who would have sex with his best friend right before the wedding.

Both sides have to deal with it... it's not "men straying". It's people getting involved in a monogamous relationship before they are ready or honestly willing. Because our culture doesn't deal well with people who simply have no business being monogamous, we get people who truly are monogamous trying to be with people who are "attempting" or "struggling" or "pretending" to be monogamous but have no business trying it yet, if ever.

Nothing you can do about that other than really really get to know the person and even then... *shrug*

Best of luck.

reply to post by timidgal


Boo hoo. People get with people whom they see as compatible with the internal projection of themselves, so you must subconsciously reflect on yourself as a sociopath and a liar. Your man is online because he's not satisfied. End of story. If you're everything that he wants in a woman as far as a family goes, that's one thing. But if you're not fulfilling his every sexual fantasy, then trust me, he's going to find it somewhere else sweetheart, you can take that to the bank.

reply to post by timidgal





Hmmm....interesting


He was dishonest, and yet you take the blame for being TOO hasty in showing him

the door?

Same sort of mindset of battered wives (partners) 'You made me do it' or 'You drove me

to it' and 'Forgive me i swear i'll never do it again'

Originally posted by timidgal
Okay so this is the very first rant I've ever posted on ATS, but honestly, I just don't get it and I need some honesty from all you single gents out there.

I am a middle-aged, better-than-average looking divorced female (not trying to be conceited here but stating what many have told me) who has, for many years and reasons, stayed away from the singles scene because I just didn't think it was worth it. The last guy I was involved with turned out to be a sociopath who haunted me for years and years. Anyway, a few months ago, I decided that life is too short and I meet a great guy - we have lots in common, the chemistry is great, he professes his intentions to build a loving and solid future together (his statement and not mine) and all is cautiously hopeful. Then completely out of the blue, a friend emails me to say that she just saw a profile of my man on one of the dating sites and it's current because it says he's "Online Now". WTF???

What is it that we women are missing in our thinking? Believe me, I'm independent and have learned that you don't need a man to feel complete (and vice versa for all you gentlemen out there, as well as all you same-sex attracted individuals), but just when I finally let my guard down and think "well maybe...", I get hit upside the head with a ton of bricks.

Can someone please explain this to me? If you're a middle-aged man and you meet a compatible, attractive, affectionate female who is supposedly the antithesis of what you've been looking for, what is it that drives you to stray? Can someone please explain this insanity to me? Needless to say, his butt is being kicked to the curb but I feel like this was it for me and I'm not putting myself out there again. Can anyone lend some clarity to this?

By the way, thanks for reading my rant. I'm just really fed up and hurt...

TG

Unfortunately this sort of thing isn't confined to one sex or the other. Being a middle-aged man in a similar position to you, I have encountered the same thing.

There are two kinds of people, those who are givers and those who are takers. Unfortunately for us givers, we're always attracted to the takers and I guess vice versa as takers are always on the lookout for givers. It's no different with fidelity and commitment to a relationship. There are those of us who want to commit and build upon something and then there's those who need to keep feeding their ego and constantly seek confirmation from the opposite sex. I actually think that need increases with aging as there may be a certain desperateness that arises as one clearly starts to age in the mirror.

I must ask, is this guy divorced? Do you know the circumstances of that divorce if he is indeed divorced? I have a very close friend who is very attractive. She constantly encounters men who act similarly. Most of us, her close friends, can see what's going on, but she lives in denial about it until the end. It was discovered that last guy she was with, and for more than four years while he was going through a divorce, had cheated on his wife and that was the cause for the divorce. My friend wasn't the other party. She arrived in his life after it was in progress. I'm not sure why she thought his spots would change, other than it was her ego believing she would be the one that would finally catch this prize

Don't put yourself in that same position. People who cheat are very good at assuaging their counterpart when something is questioned or something they have done seems out of place. I think if you're honest with yourself, you'll remember some instances that were questionable, that you might have chosen to overlook either consciously or not.

Just wanted to add, if the fact of the matter is that he is divorced, try to get to the bottom of why.

My friend always made claim that his ex-wife was crazy and she was making his and her life miserable through the divorce proceedings. I said she must have something to be bitter about. Well low and behold, she discovered what I stated above. He's a cheater and will always be a cheater. No changing that at this point in his life.

Originally posted by timidgal
Okay so this is the very first rant I've ever posted on ATS, but honestly, I just don't get it and I need some honesty from all you single gents out there.

I am a middle-aged, better-than-average looking divorced female

amg gief msn!!11!!111oneoneeleven

Originally posted by cd5love96
To the OP (I very rarely post on here),

Is the sky blue? If you have any sort of feeling that he's doing wrong, he probably is. I was on a dating site (OKCupid). I consider myself a handsome guy as well and have never had issues meeting women but decided to give the site a try since my friend kept pestering me after a 5 year break up with my ex. I joined and shortly after met a wonderful woman. We decided to delete our profiles since we FOUND WHAT WE WERE LOOKING FOR. He's obviously scouring profile looking for an easy score.

If it makes you feel better you're obviously his "main squeeze, main girl, favorite" but he's probably checking out other chicks. If you really want to nail the head you would ask him "Have you messaged anyone you were interested in after you met and established all this mumbo jumbo (life plans) with me?

To all the other people saying "He's probably looking for friends" I'd like to take the time to call you a nifnard. It's a DATING site for Christ's sake. He's looking for a F Buddy.

Remember some men are animals and prey on weakness. I was once an animal in my earlier dating years (I'm 27 now) and karma came back to bite me in the ass with my ex (cheated on me twice).

Hope this sort of helps. I apologize in advanced for the bluntness but it's all I know.

I dare say, catching this guy would be easy. She can make up a fake profile with some willing participants picture that she feels he might be attracted to and start a conversation. She'll get to the bottom of it very quickly.

reply to post by timidgal

Originally posted by timidgal
If you're a middle-aged man and you meet a compatible, attractive, affectionate female who is supposedly the antithesis of what you've been looking for, what is it that drives you to stray?

I dont think you meant to use the word "antithesis". If youre the "antithesis" of what hes looking for, it would make sense for him to stray.

To answer your question, hes not looking for a real relationship, he just wants sex.

reply to post by timidgal


I'd be more suspicious of your friend who just happened to "find" his profile on a dating site and decided to contact you out of the blue about it. Perhaps your friend is interested in this man?
Talk to him about it without being accusatory. If you bring it up like it's just a casual thing and don't act concerned, maybe even act as if you found it funny, he might even admit to it (if it is in fact his doing).

I'm not a guy but on a middle aged womans point of view, I believe if your happy go with the flow. Stop trying to secure a future with him. Commitment, especially after many psycho beeahhches have twisted his mind, is difficult. Enjoy his company and if your a classy woman he may decide to settle down with you. Notice I said CLASSY and not beautiful. What is inside really does count.

As 'Curious Canadian' noted, your 'happily married friend' was on a dating site and happened to notice your now ex-BF there and 'active'. There's many reasons he could have been on there and active, not the least of which someone emailed him from the site and he was responding with a simple 'I'm taken', or perhaps was telling a prior contact how happy he was now that he had found someone. Many dating sites also have forums that discuss all manner of things, and it's not a given that he was cheating or planning to cheat while he was there. It would have been nice if you had been able to talk to him about it, like, y'know... adults.

So what do you do? First, you're discussing your relationship with your girlfriend, which tells me you've got the maturity level of a high-schooler. A LOT of women spend dozens of hours a week yabbering on with their girlfriends about all manner of shallow things, but think they're grown women with everything to offer a true man could want. Not necessarily so... how well can you spend time alone? Do you like your own company, or do you fill your hours with endless shallow girlfriend discussions and idiot teevee shows? Do you really like sex, know what you're doing in bed and try to please your partner, or do you just pretend to be interested and not have a clue? Worse yet, is sex something you offer up as a grand prize, when in reality it's something you're not really all that interested in? Guys can tell. If you're middle aged, maybe you're not that interested, which is fine, but it's an issue that needs to be discussed openly.

Next, you find out from said 'happily married girlfriend who was on a dating site spying on this new guy and then telling you about it for your own good of course' that he's active on there, and you summarily dump his ass to the curb, THEN you get on a worldwide forum and ask why men are such heels, etc.? And excitedly answer nearly every post, all the while enjoying the attention???

Your initial post here and subsequent ones tell me you're not that mature for a middle-aged woman, you have 'needy' written all over you, and until you grow up you'll continue to attract likewise broken people.

Sorry, but I have little compassion for you; you're not ready for a relationship given the way you handled this one. Maybe the guy was cheating (and what is 'cheating?' Do you really think you ever own another person, that they are yours forever, that their every minute should be centered around you? Stop expecting other people to fill that void inside you, and stop expecting anything more from other people than they are willing and able to give. Our society places such a high expectation on faithfulness that when Jimmy Carter stated in an interview that he 'had cheated in his heart many times', AKA looked at an attractive woman and mentally considered the possibilities, that it was almost a scandal. He was simply stating the obvious, ferchrissakes.) Look into the concept of polyamory for another concept of 'love' that doesn't include the words 'own'.

Do you have the maturity to call him up, explain the depths of your anger on a prior disappointment, and find out the truth of the matter (not whether he was trying to 'cheat' on you, but what he feels you offer, compared to what he feels he needs) and go from there? Or will you use this forum like you use your girlfriends, for endless round-robin pointless discussions that for all the world sound like a junior high school chatter fest?

And before the posters here jump all over me as some cheating guy-type, I'm also a late middle aged female who has been on dating sites for plenty of years. Yes, there's a lot of broken and immature people on them and finding a gem, whatever you ascribe that to be, is well-nigh impossible. All the more reason to give someone you truly like the benefit of the doubt and discuss it, rather than jump to conclusions like a Grade B movie plot.

Originally posted by timidgal
PS - No, this particular friend is a girlfriend who had nothing to gain or lose by this happening. She's happily married and very much in love with her husband. She was also the one who talked me into giving this one a chance in the first place and is ALMOST as devastated by this as I am. She truly wanted me to find the same type of happiness she found with her own significant other.

This is in no way whatsoever meant to be taken as a means of dragging you down or anything of the sort, this is a means of trying to understand a little bit better. If your friend is happily married and very much in love with her husband....what is SHE doing on the dating site let alone tracking down your companion? I'm not sure why this scenario even happened.

With that said, I think what Heff and MountainLaurel have said is spot on. I've had my fair share of kicks in the seat of the pants when it comes to relationships as we all have. I will say that in my current relationship that should something like this come up (and it has, a little differently), I would certainly take a deep breath, think about it in order to create an atmosphere that is non-conforntational (read: Calm down my emotional knee jerk reaction that I admitedly fall prey to sometimes that comes from being a southern red headed strong willed woman) and then say "Honey, we need to sit down and discuss something that is bothering me".... and proceed from there. If the converstaion and his side of the story does not ring true with you tell him so and then proceed with kicking him to the curb in order to get on with finding the man out there that you well deserve... and you DO deserve that as everyone does.