Oh nothing in particular - just a bit of a vent.

My appologies if you have found yourself wasting your time reading my spiel, I find myself in the middle of a night shift, all alone, with not too much to do and as usual my mind is in overdrive with introspective thoughts. I have been thinking about my journey and how difficult it has become but also sparing a thought for those that have it even harder than me and my family. This is when I begin to wonder, just where do they find the energy to carry on or do they not have a choice. Life at the moment seems like one great struggle after another, you think you get yourself back ahead then bham something else happens that kicks you back to square one. We have all been there, it is difficult but we used to be able to overcome these set backs by a bit of retail therapy or that nice evening out in your favourite eatery or damn even a holiday to the Mediteranian. But that was the days of the old, when we'd have enough disposable income to be able to do stuff like that, it made those struggles all the worth while because you knew at the end of the day you and your family could take a well earned reward.

But what now, what for those families that no longer have ANY disposable income. What about those families that sometimes have to make harsh decisions between food and medicine, yes this is happening in the so called "developed" world. What do those families get to reward themselves with forovercoming the great obsticles of this life, damn can you even call it a life anymore. The optomist in you would look to the positives, your kids are healthy, you can enjoy a good walk, that is free right? Well yes this is the case but with all due respect, no walk in the country will ever clear your mind and soul of the stress you have eating away, wondering just how you are going to afford that weekly food shop. No stress will ever be extinguished by seeing your child smile, whilst you can't afford fuel to fill your car just to get you to work the next day. We need more, we need to be free and we NEED to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I love my children very much as I do my whole family, but I don't have a bottomless pit of energy to keep fighting this battle. I need to see that light, I need to feel contented in my tortured soul so that I can take the time out to stop and see the beauty all around me. I would really like that, I honestly would but if truth be told when I close my eyes at night, I am filled with sorrow, anger and pain. I feel sorrow because my family deserve more than this, they have done nothing wrong. I feel anger because I know that whilst I get poor and those many others who are in the same situation, the rich get richer and it is this same rich that are in our houses of parliment/congress that are deciding on laws that is strangling our own destinies. These same law makers are making cuts and aiming them right at the people who feel the cuts most. But most of all I feel pain, it seems I have failed and this pain feels irreversable. I cannot find a way out of this, I still don't see the light. I feel pain for everybody around me that has been hurt by my actions, I feel pain because I CANNOT fix this right now, I cannot take my own life that would just make the pain worse for those around me I realise that. I just have to live (if thats what you call it) with the fruits of my labour, the ever lasting situation.

So now I walk around in my very own bubble, I feel ditached from the whole world. Things around me pass me by at lightning speed whilst I am left in slow motion with just my thoughts and my failure to get things right. I feel like I do not belong, that there is no place for me, no objective, just mere existance and to serve my place as the lowly wage slave. I need to burst this bubble and I can only do it one of two ways. The first way is as described above, to work my way out of this, but all attempts so far have failed and failed badly. The second way out of this seems a hell of a lot easier. Just let my mind break, invent my own world, my own reality, nobody can touch me here. As each day passes by, I feel I might be doing this subconciously already, I think I have already started creating my own reality. I have started focusing on fantasy and started to believe more and more that our reality is not reality. What should I do, should I allow my mind to continue to deconstruct itself and recreate my own world. I am sure this would lead to that big pressure valve being released at the thought of no longer having to worry about reality but at the same time I realise I will spend the rest of my days in an institution. What will be will be I suppose, I guess I can still live in hope that one day I may be saved by the unexpected, maybe a member of the family will have a big lottery win or a distant relative may leave me a fortune, highly unlikely and if I'm honest not something that I can focus on to keep me sane.

So there it is, I'm a victim of society or possibly just a victim of myself. I wonder if one day one of the powers that be will get to read this and have a good laugh, look at how the plebs are living whilst we eat caviar and reside in our 75 bedroom mansions. Then again I very much doubt that TPTB would give a rats arse about how I or in fact the majority of us feel. Am I still making them a fast buck? would be the extent of their interests, if that answer becomes no, then off with my head. Well bankers, politicians, greed merchants and all other leaches on humanity. I hope you are happy now, I hope you take great pleasure in finding a mans boundaries. Michael1983l signing out....for now!.

Lesson of the day, if your going to spill your guts, don't make it long winded if you expect a reply. Either that or I'm just boring

reply to post by michael1983l

Dear michael1983l,

It's late here, and I'm alone . Can I pull up a chair and have some of that awful coffee? I guess I feel like talking, too.

You're right, the world sure isn't what it's supposed to be. We could go screaming after politicians and occupying parks and stuff, I suppose. But for me, I gotta focus on myself and those around me. That's #1 in my book.

And, man, you sure nailed it with how hard things are. I'm not whining, mind you, but I get pizza night twice a month for my treats. You should have seen the places I used to go. I still have photos of some of the stuff I used to do, years and years ago. But now? My last new car was thirty years ago, I don't even dream of gettin' another. But you gotta keep on keepin' on, know what I mean?

"How do you keep on keepin' on?" Well I tell you, I got lucky. My mom's still alive (she's 91 and sharp as ever) and lives in the same state, so occasionally I get a free meal out of her. But the important part of the meals is the talkin'. We love each other and have some pretty wild memories together. Bringin' those back up makes her feel good, me too, to be honest. My Dad's been dead about ten years so she get's kind of lonely, too.

I've got a sister who's doing Ok for herself, and sometimes she and Mom slip me a few bucks. Those are great days, cause my only other income is disability. My sister's a great kid, you'd like her, but she's married.

Another way I'm lucky is that I gotta decent place to live. I'm really happy there. I know this is gonna sound all bible-bangin' and preachy, and I'm not one of those weird fundamentalist types, but I actually went to each room and prayed. I prayed that it would be a place of peace and love, and that evil, hate, and despair would never get in. I think it made a difference, but, hey, what do I know?

Hey, I gotta tell you something that happened a week and a half ago. I was comin' home and it was late. We're in a small town and we've got a "Nature Center." Trees and fields, the whole bit. I couldn't see very well but there was a path leading into the woods. I felt kinda dark and discouraged, so when the path forked I took the one going deeper in. I walked for a while, then I came to a spot where the trees were really thin on my right. I looked that way and it seemed kinda bright. I looked up.

Man, I don't have the words to tell you. The stars were absolutely nuts. They were everywhere, the sky was clear. Heck, you've seen stars, it was no miracle. But, then again, maybe it was. It was just me and an incredible universe. No worries, no fear. I tell you, it was like walking into the most amazing church or palace you could imagine. I could see it. I mean, me, an average Joe, was in a position to see, study, and just stand in awe of the Universe. I looked for half an hour. I don't know what I'm tryin' to say here, but I went back a few days later, and I still had that special feelin'. There's somethin' there that was really true with a capital T, if you know what I mean.


What's this talk about you deciding to go nuts and maybe get sent to an institution? Mike, you are one ignorant guy. I'm not tryin' to insult you or anything, but you don't know what you're talkin' about. Please, please, believe me, you don't want to go there, no way, no how, no time. It's not like you think, they don't just feed you and give you a place to sleep, then leave you alone to work things out. You get "treated" there. Lots of those who get "treated" never come out. And if you're a special case, they'll give something called ECT. They stick wires on your head and give you enough juice to bring on seizures. After you've done that for a while, you'll start bein' surprised at how much of your life you don't remember any more. Ok, I'll admit it may be better than goin' completely crazy and killing people before you off yourself, but if you're ever thinking about an institution, make double sure you've got somebody on the outside who checks on things daily and doesn't get bullied by any staff.

The night time pain? Yeah, I hear you. For me, I gotta replace the bad stuff with somethin' else. If I try to go blank, all that black junk just comes back. I try to think about the love in the family, and how much I want them all to be happy and peaceful, and full of joy. It's kinda like a prayer. I fill up on the love stuff, and the ugly gets pushed out of my head.

Oh, geez, look at how long I've been talkin'. Sorry 'bout that, man. If you think you can stand to listen to this old man babble any more, just invite me back. And I wouldn't say "no" if you happened to find a bottle of beer in one of those drawers and wanted to share it.

Anyway, see you around.
Charles1952

reply to post by charles1952


I hear what you are saying, nothing is ever as bad as it seems, I know that. What you say about seeing the stars and the whole of the Universe is great, I once went out to an isolated beach in Cyprus and I sat staring at the stars for 3 hours, you could see the whole of the Milky Way in all of its glory, it was a special feeling. It is things like that which we need to hold onto I suppose but finding the energy to hold on is getting more and more difficult. One day I will work things out, it will just take what seems like an eternity before I get there. Family is everything and as long as I keep hold of them I guess I will just keep plodding along.

Thanks for taking the time out to deliver such a fantastic response Charles, it has cheered me up somewhat. Plus only 1hr and a half of my night shift left

I get overwhelmed from time to time too. My fantasy escape though is in books. I kind of lose myself in the pages of a good fantasy book with maybe elves and dragons and magik. Something far removed from the worries and struggles of day to day existence.

Many of us are struggling or suffering in some way or another these days. You are not alone that's for sure. Just take one day at a time and hope for the best.

reply to post by michael1983l

Dear michael1983l,

I just had a quick thought. Sometimes our body's chemicals are out of whack. I know one guy who was feeling like "censored word," and his doctor found out that he had almost no Vitamin D in his system. That little discovery in itself made a big difference.

I'll be thinking about you and, if you don't mind, praying that you receive great Peace and Joy.

Now get back to work.

With respect,
Charles1952

reply to post by charles1952


Yes Charles chemical inbalances can sure make us feel bad, I didn't want to mention it in this thread but I am diagnosed Bipolar, which will have a big influence on how I post from time to time. Thanks for the prayers and the concern and that goes for the others that have shown their support too.

GHet back to work though? Nah, I like to take it easy at this hour of the day

reply to post by Night Star


Yes I do find a good movie much like your books do detach me for a very short period. Your advice of taking it one day at a time too is good advice, its pretty much what I have been doing for the past few months. Something has to come good eventually, so lets hope it comes soon.