Those who were aware of my disappearing OP on another thread here in the Gray Area and the discussion that followed will probably understand the
relevance of the title more
But this is an OP i tried to post earlier today......
Okay the first thread I have started outside of the intro section....I am a little nervous so go easy on me :-D
I just wanted to share an experience I had at the age of 13 that I have shared with few people and the ones i have haven't really known how to
respond to my experience or really had much thought or input.Which as always been frustrating as It was an experience that had a profound effect on
So it would be nice to throw it "out there" and see if anybody has any thoughts on it.I'm still finding my feet on here so if i post in the wrong
section my apologies.
Right here goes....
When i was 13 I had to have a tooth removed under anaesthetic...It was in the dentist surgery as this was before the time It was decided this was a
dangerous practice and before children had to go into hospital for such a procedure. The mask went on and i felt myself "drifting" I snapped into
feeling as what i perceived to be fully conscious. I was in a dark black void.There was nothing....I could see myself as if there was light shining on
me or as if my body was lit up, but apart from that there was nothing but a dark void all around me.
I felt trapped and i felt anxious and i wondered if anybody realized I was stuck in this place.Time seemed to go on and on and on.It felt like hours,
days, weeks and then years.And when i say that I mean I literally felt like I was "living" those hours weeks and days and years.I strained to
remember my families faces.I constantly tried to remember events from my past to have something real to hold onto.I would think about my family lots
and wonder if they missed me and wondered what they had supposed had happened to me and hoped my family was happy and able to live on with the loss of
After some length of time although i never felt like there was anyone else there with me I started to feel like someone was communicating with me in
my head....I couldn't hear voices in my head but it felt like questions and thoughts were being planted in my head outside of my own
thoughts....questions challenging me like " how do you know for sure you ever even existed?" and thoughts like " It was all a trick, this is all
there ever was"
I concluded that i was either completely crazy or that indeed maybe the "challenger" was right and i had never existed at all! I completely gave up
even trying to think, after what I perceived to be years of torment...I didn't care any more.
Then snap!.....I groggily woke up in the recovery room of the dentist surgery.I cried, I shook, I clung on to my mother that i felt like i hadn't
seen in years.I suppose it was quite a distressing scene but the dentist comforted my mother with the fact it can be completely normal coming out of
the anaesthetic. I tried to explain to them what had happened and they couldn't understand the profound experience and effect on me, just dismissing
it as a normal reaction to the anaesthetic. As i didn't feel like anyone understood I didn't try to talk about it any more.
But the experience didn't leave me.I didn't want to get out of bed for the first 6 months and suspect looking back now i suffered some form of post
traumatic stress.I was terrified of dying and perceived everything to be a threat.Even when eating things like Smartie chocolates i would remove the
shells off them first because i perceived them as a choking hazard. I was worried that my experience was what death would be like.That you would cease
to exist in the world but on some level i would still be concious and trapped in a nothingness.My parents were religious so that made me even more
inclined to not share my thoughts and fears.I also wondered if i had been trapped in this place because i was a "bad" person and again reinforced
the idea to keep it to myself.After a couple of years my fear grew less and less and the experience no longer started to have a hold on me......but
it's something that as never quite left me.
Whatever the experience was and whatever realms of it were based in realms of reality....It was real to me.And it was definitely brought on by the
I'm not trying to suggest my experience was anything supernatural and has anything more than a medical explanation....I honestly don't know how to
reconcile to myself what happened and why.I mean if an anaesthetic can do that to a person's perception of reality and to a person's perception of
time, i find that in itself to be an interesting concept
I suppose I am just asking for peoples thoughts, not to put a "lid" on the experience as I don't think I ever will, but maybe get rid of a few
frustrations i have always harboured by not being able to discuss this properly with anyone.
For anyone who as taken the time to read this post in it's entirety many thanks :-)
I just wanted to add that i am 41 now.....although the experience had a profound effect on me for a couple of years after it happened at 13 I don't
believe it has a major "hold" over me any more....but none the less it will always "be there" ........