Mods feel free to move to the rant section if applicable. TA very muchly.
I am currently not at work, not feeling great so I went back to bed for a bit of a snooze but I couldn’t get comfortable.
I got caught thinking about life in general and I have come to a bit of a conclusion, one I am concerned about, that I no longer want to be here.
Not in a suicidal way but one that I no longer feel part of this world or way of life, I feel that I do not belong here anymore.
I have lost the pleasure in doing things I used to enjoy and I will list the things I used to enjoy and why I have lost interest.
Food, I used to love my food, enough to put on a couple of stone more than I should have, food now is just something to fill a grumbling stomach, I
have no sense of taste, everything tastes of the same blandness, even adding spicy peppery sauces does not make my mouth salivate. I am paranoid that
there are too many chemicals in all the foodstuffs that are not good for the mind, body or spirit so much so that I look at the labels when shopping
to see what is in it, to the point of thinking what is in it that ISN’T on the label.
Television, TV used to entertain me, I have my own taste in humour, but even the shows I used to watch I have lost the will to watch, the last few
days the TV has had absolutely nothing interesting on, DVD films are dull as hell even the overhyped new releases, I feel that they are nothing but
programming tools to dehumanise and desensitize me to the rest of the world.
Playing my computer, I first got into computers back in the late 70’s when my first game was Asteroids in the arcades (shows you my age) but even
todays new releases do not get me excited anymore, I feel they are nothing but toys to sell, I used to spend hours ( days in one case) on them but
even with nice eye catching graphics they all feel unfinished and in many cases they are, I feel they have been rushed to release so that companies
can simply cash in, even when they are buggy as hell ( my pc is a powerful homebuilt unit that can definitely handle all the games today) they all
seem to be rushed out to the eager public, the film Tron ( the new version had a great line – “ It’s still the same product, all it is is a new
box” and yet people will rush and queue to buy them.
People, I no longer want to associate with anyone, except the wife of course but even then our relationship I feel is one that my wife is feeling the
strain on as I do not show her the right amount of consideration or care. Other people in the world I do not care about other than family and even
then I do so out of duty ( one I am ashamed to say I do but I should be better), other people are bags of meat wandering aimlessly through their
existence, meandering from product to product with no sense of purpose or sense of potential. They argue over material goods( the US’s Black Friday
riots spring to mind), the latest Iphone, gold and money all things that probably give them a brief moment of belonging before moving onto the next
‘must have’ gadget sold to them by the TV. I remember one young chap when I was in a shop say to his friend “ ‘Ere mate what beer do you want
, a Stella?” and his friend replied “ Nah geezer, Stella makes me want to fight”, I thought then is that Humanities future? One where each
individual persons negativity comes to light at any convenient moment?
Needless to say I made my purchase and left them to mull over their choice of lager, even watching the world unfold it seems that there is so much
anger ad selfishness in the world that maybe there is no way to getting back to being a polite caring society.
In the past we became the dominant species on the planet by looking out for each other, building communities, societies and cultures but then over the
past few centuries we have become intolerant, selfish, greedy and corrupt and getting more so apparently every single day, people are looking to get
one over each other, the British £2 coin even has written on some of them “ standing on the shoulders of giants” but it should read “Standing
on the backs of others” it would be more applicable these days as there are more TV ads for money lending, and gadgets you must have to be popular
with the opposite sex, than there are informative educational program, and even so these days people would much rather watch ‘reality’ shows,
I’m a celebrity, X factor etc.
All programs designed to placate a dull bored mass of people.
Money, I used to hunger for it same as you and everyone else, but I have come to the conclusion that it is only a material item both cash and gold are
the same, yes I agree they can make your life comfortable and there are days I hope for a lotto win, but it will never happen ( or if it did it would
be like the thought I had a few years ago, I’ll the lotto a week before the end of the world – lets hope I don’t buy a ticket before the 21st of
December), I even had a work colleague who used to lie in order to get any overtime, he’d say “ Oh I asked him if wanted to work the weekend but
he said no” even though he never asked me if I wanted to work just so HE could get the overtime and when I confronted him about it I told him he was
greedy, his reply was “I’m NOT greedy, I just LOVE money” and that is the problem today, people LOVE money, trouble is they can’t take it with
them when they die, they came into the world without it and if you look at children and babies in particular they are so much happier without knowing
about money or material goods, they find joy in touching grass, looking at animals and clouds, being with their families, we force teach them
ultimately to have toys, to be greedy and who to hate with our own ideals, one mistake that we are seemingly doomed to keep repeating with every
generation. People will leave the world without it as well as they cannot take it with them ( unless they get buried with it) and all that happens is
that families bicker and tear each other apart for the scraps that are left behind, truly a tragic loss when that happens to any family.
The Environment, truly a tragic loss what we are doing to our home, we pollute it with no consideration for the future, sure we all buy a more fuel
efficient car and we recycle as much as we can, but we make virtually NO NOISE when a disaster happens, the Gulf oil spill? OK voices were raised, for
a while but then we went back to driving around and complaining about the price of petrol didn’t we?, I for one will never use BP again for that
simple reason, I have even noticed they BP are the most expensive station around on my travels, but people still use them even when there’s a
station down the road that is a lot cheaper, go figure. We simply get on worrying about our gas and electric even though there are alternatives that
can be investigated and improved ( magnetic generators and such) but that not good for companies profits is it? And even we make a noise someone
louder says “ I’ll sue for loss of earnings” and we back down to complaining don’t we? When we should say “ try it” and look at
alternatives, the energy bosses only think about their bonuses and company profits and not worry about the fact that sure ‘they’ can have a comfy
lifestyle but their children will be poisoned and their home destroyed, after all the future does not matter, only the present matters to a lot of us,
and the present is right now, not tomorrow.
That’s enough ranting for now I’m tired .
Anyway back to my snoozing, over the last few weeks I have noticed that as I try to either get to sleep of an evening that is all I look forward to,
not waking up the following day but going to sleep, much to the wife’s annoyance, I do enjoy sleeping ( maybe it simply passes the time), like a
line in a song I like by Metric ( the song’s title ‘Gimme Sympathy” the line is “ I’m not suicidal, I just can’t get out of bed” (
rather apt for me at present). Whilst I try to get to sleep I have noticed that my body seems to be vibrating, almost un-noticeable but it’s there,
I can hear the blood ‘scooshing’ past my ears, pulsing through my veins and my heart beating in my chest but all the time there is the vibrations
in my body. It makes me think is this all that I am to be? A meat sack chasing things?
I am into an eclectic mix of things, Occult, Finance, even having a wide variety of music tastes and I have dabbled with Astral Projection, Binaural
beats, witchcraft, even taking into account other religion’s best bits to make me a better person, and I can’t help but think why can’t the
rest of the world be like me? But if that were to be the case we’d all be the same and it would be a dull world. It is far from dull, I have seen
both the good and the bad of the world, I have travelled it far and wide but still I feel I do not belong, like I am waiting for something better to
Does that make me a bad person? A paranoid person? A depressed person? Or simply a person??
I want off this rock, it sucks and its not going to get any better is it?
edit on 26/11/12 by DataWraith because: Spacing.
edit on 26/11/12 by DataWraith because: (no reason given)