Just first off, I'd like to be clear I can completely empathise your position here, and I really do want to help you with this. I have been through it
myself more times than I can remember, and seeing anyone suffer the way I did is someone I want to help.
It does not work like it does on paper. The more blunt I get, the more it's warped and twisted, then thrown back at me like I was the
I think the reason for this is you wait for it to become a real problem before you take it on as an honest scrap to try resolve the problem. When I
said be up-front, I meant from the get-go. If you've been nodding your head politely for a few months then suddenly blow up at them for all the little
things they do to antagonise you (which we both know is inevitable...
), it's already too late. In a way I'm generalising, but my own experience
has taught me to state your case at the beginning, and stick to it without compromise.
I'm also the one with the closed legs in the relationship because I cannot and will not be aroused by dramatics and negativity. I can't fist
fight and make love in the same day to the same person, it's retardedly dysfunctional, but many of my exes seem to prefer it that way.
Figure of speech there. What I meant is how women love to use those kind of tactics in order to essentially "starve" a man into giving in. No one
wants to feel uncomfortable or "mad at," and women know how to use this emotion to get us to cave. To me, putting the boot down and stating outright
you refuse to play the stupid mind games and emotional blackmail, you quash that track right off.
Tell me your secret because nothing works for me... and yes, in a way i do allow it. I allow it because I care about them, I see their
potential, and I believe in them that they can overcome this mental infection of insecurity, unworthiness, lying, deceit, distrust, and hormonal
The secret is not really a secret. Caring is one thing, but surely after 40 years you can figure out when someone is just playing you emotionally, or
is just stringing you along for their own emotional high, Humans who don't know any better always strive to push others down to make themselves feel
better. Ever had an argument with someone? Won and felt stronger? Lost and felt weaker? Sounds to me like this girl is being an energy leech, and
you're the source. So here's the secret. Be honest. Not just with her, but with yourself.
I hate to sound harsh doing this, but deluding
yourself as to the well-being of your relationship is not going to save it. Ask yourself the hard questions. Then answer them honestly.
She has threatened me with moving out for years, almost weekly. Whenever she got pissed about anything I heard, "I can't do this anymore, I'm
leaving!" Then the next day it was a different story.
I finally said, "OK leave then, I'm not stopping you." That turned into, in her head and future memories..."Leave, I hate you, get out!" So
when she tells her friends and family what I said, that's how it comes out, and I'm the a-hole somehow.
Do you see the bold there? The pattern? You finally said, which indicates to me you have put up with her # for quite a while without defending your
position or biting back. While that seems presumptuous, and could very well be wrong, but that's my take on it. As for her mind's take on your words,
all people, men and women don't want to be the one who is wrong, and generally will come up with a story to see themselves as a hero, regardless of
how the truth went down. My first ex I left, but after finding out she was cheating on me. She maintains to this day she never cheated, and I left
because I was immature and had a child's brain. Who's right? Well it's a combination of a and b.
This time I stuck to my guns.
Something you should have done the first time she said it. Each time you allowed it to slide gave her another footing. Sorry if that sounded harsh,
but I can't find another way to put it.
No more back & forth, up & down, push & pull on my emotions. Now she's making me pack her things while she's at her
Stand your ground. She wants her stuff, she packs it. I'd almost guarantee she'll cave if you aren't doing the work for her. Again, an energy/control
thing, one which you have just caved into.
The kids' stuff is all here, their schooling is going to be all screwed up changing schools mid year, and no one walks away from this feeling
any kind of stability in their lives, especially the kids.
Call her bluff on it. Kids are surprisingly hardy, and as you said you had no kids, so they must be hers. If it's another mind game, it'll come out.
If she's genuine, she won't use that as a pivot.
edit on 26-11-2012 by 74Templar because: (no reason given)