I like being able to answer these questions, this is mostly anonymous, the way it should be.
I never, ever wanted to believe that drinking was a problem, regardless of consequences (which I saw as circumstances, not consequences of my
drinking). Even after drinking wasn't any fun anymore, I didn't want to give it up. Hiding is easier than dealing with things.
For a long time none of my family talked about my drinking. It wasn't until the end that anyone said anything to me about it. I didn't have any
friends any more, all I did was drink. And work whatever I could to earn money to drink.
My turning point was the last (hopefully!) time I was in detox, sitting on the bed with my broken hand -- I broke it when I got pissed off that my Mom
accused me of being drunk
and I smashed it into an oak end table. Truth hurts lol. Sitting on that bed getting ready to barf into a pan, and as I
did, this orderly walks in. After I puke I look up at him looking at me and he says "Well, John, it just doesn't get any better than this.".
That was the third time I was absolutely floored by the truth. And immediately after that I told myself "F**k this".
I'd spent a good number of years in and out of detox and treatment programs by then. I'd been put in the hopeless outreach category. I talked them
into letting me do outpatient treatment again. I had to go to 1 AA meeting a day every day or my treatment would be terminated. I didn't miss one god
damn*d AA meeting in over 2 years.
I talk too much, and I'm full of sh*t, so my counselor made another condition: you can only say this at the meetings: Hi, my name is John, I'm an
alcoholic, and I need to listen.
How do I find recovery?
Let me tell you, the first 2 and a half years were pure SH*T! I hated sobriety, I wanted to get f*cked up every d*mned day, I felt horrible, I didn't
enjoy anything. I didn't like anything. Wanna know what kept me going?
I wanted to prove all those bastards wrong who said I could never be sober. I was staying sober out of spite.
Then one day after about 2.5 years, I woke up one morning and felt GOOD! It was unreal. I felt fantastic for no reason other than getting up out of
bed. At that point a switch had been thrown and I felt like wow so this is what being sober is all about.
I love having myself back, and I love being able to make choices, and I love that I am not hurting myself or my loved ones anymore. I can't think of
anything better than this.
Ah man flashbacks early on in this recovery I had freaking worksheet assignments to do basic things like brush my teeth and eat something green every
day -- man! Checklists for things you should just be able to do you know?
So many embarrassing things.
Rehabilitation can be a real bitch.
But worth every effort it has been.