Another Insight Into Depression: The Holidays

Yes this certainly rings true for me as well.
I was just having this very discussion with someone two days ago.
I to have suffer from PTSD, Clinical Depression and Bi Polar Depression, I had to leave my job as a RN due to it's disabling affects.
The holidays are the absolute worst time of the year for me also, with Christmas being the most horrid time.
And it's been my observation that if you tell anyone that you don't like Christmas your suddenly shunned as one of Satan's minions, through no fault of your own. Other than your dislike of Christmas.
I would suggest to people who love Christmas to please not ask people who don't like Christmas why they don't like it, I'm sure they have very good reasons for their feelings and perhaps they are not quite willing to share them with a complete stranger.
I know I'm not.
There may be some who are, but I think most would be more willing to just have fun than to sit and talk about painful memories of the distant past.

I'll admit what you said in the first post describes me, well the being overly polite part because I know have social anxiety and do secretly yearn to be a little more open and more sociable, but holidays don't bother me at all. In fact I prefer to be by myself.

I am bp2, md, and an agoraphobic shut-in. Staying very sedated from before halloween till after jan 1st keeps me out of the hospital. I just stay in bed with my 2 dogs who give me so much love and I watch films/videos that don't bring me down.

A beautiful and well timed topic.

As you say, "mental illness" is common in its myriad forms, so it should be expected that there is a broad cross-section of people suffering right here on ATS as well to one degree or another. And when you couple that with the so called "winter blues" that a lot of people suffer, it may be extremely beneficial for people to just be that much more sensitive and compassionate to one another this season. After all, it's supposed to be a time of kindness anyway, right? (In theory.)

I've been pretty open in the past here about my Asperger's, social anxiety, and occasional depression. This year has been tough because my mother was very ill from the start of the year until quite recently. It was horrifying and overwhelming for a lot of different reasons I won't go into, and I'm still dealing with a ton of anxiety and intermittent depression as a result. It's only now that things have calmed down, and it doesn't feel at all like "The Holidays" yet. And she's still going to be dealing with this condition for the rest of her life (and, without elaborating, so will I... which is fine, I love my mom and would do anything for her, but, well... it is hard.)

Right when all that was starting, a dear friend (and ex lover from years past) of mine finally found her soul mate and got married, which was wonderful and I remain quite happy for her. But as you can imagine, we went from talking almost daily to almost never talking, right as I needed someone to talk to. Then my father, who I hadn't seen in 20 years (since I was 11 or 12... I'm 31 now) came to visit, and was very frail and ill which was startling because my memories of him are as a strong and young man. And then more recently my phone service provider told me had to curtail my phone usage because my supposedly Unlimited Long Distance Calling is actually quite limited, so that my best friend (a different friend) and I can't talk much anymore.

And on and on and on. So as you can imagine, I'm not looking forward to this Winter. (Except for the rain. Rain always calms and soothes me. It's a facet of my Asperger's. When it rains, all anxiety and fear evaporates, because suddenly stimuli in all directions becomes similar.) It doesn't feel like a joyous time, and I keep having wave after wave of difficult memories.

So, I can relate to a degree, though in an entirely different context, to this sense of looming "Holiday" anxiety and sadness. I want it to be the same magical, festive experience it used to be. But it just isn't, and I dread the juxtaposition of nostalgic memories and that realization as the days grow shorter. We will, I'm sure, get through such feelings. And I know others suffer far worse. But these feelings can be a tough nut to crack, and some kindness from others does indeed go a long way.

Like you Heff, I wish you and everyone nothing but the best. And hey, if anyone ever wants or needs a friendly ear... I'm around. Shoot me a PM. I'm told I'm a decent listener, and I don't judge. Peace.

You could not get any more beautiful if you tried!

Man! you are a true spunk! and I don't reckon I could help myself around you at all!
I'm gunna have to confess to my husband now, see what YOU did?! oh and I'm pretty sure you're not going to be allowed to blame your mother, the father loves her too much, perhaps you should just forgive yourself your mean thoughts right now and be done with it.

Much love to you Heff, and may your holidays be as magnificent as your heart.

a and a O and a X for you
Tell your mum Amanda said giday!

Thank you Hefficide and others. This thread has made me feel not so alone and has given me many things to consider, including using meditation to help me find happiness again.

Originally posted by GenesisDreadnaught
I'll admit what you said in the first post describes me, well the being overly polite part because I know have social anxiety and do secretly yearn to be a little more open and more sociable, but holidays don't bother me at all. In fact I prefer to be by myself.

I have this experience myself. I am more comfortable around my family since I feel safe or just alone. I fall apart when I don't have access to them. I have the same problem you do (with OCD to boot). It's fairly sad at times. I love to sing, I have done it since I was 24. I sing in classical style and actually study it in university, but I find myself unable to really do it outside of an academic setting (as in public performance) due to anxiety. Yet, when I am not dressed as myself I don't feel any fear in doing it. If I don some kind of crazy costume I just don't care about it anymore. If I literally become someone else then the anxiety goes away. I don't get worried when I sing in choir either because there are dozens of people singing with me as well.

Granted I don't think I'm that great of a singer anyway but, I do wish I was someone else many days. Someone prettier, younger, thinner, richer. I sympathize, believe me.

reply to post by Hefficide


I too have Developmental Disabilities since birth which include Depression, Anxiety, Borderline Bipolar, PTSD,Borderline Tourettes and some of the other not so fun Dx's of the Chinese Soup of the Alphabet Psych Issues but in all of it I have found that no matter what goes on around me at any time of the year that my belief in a power greater than myself I choose to call God in my life today I can over come these issues as long as I stick to my beliefs. I pray one day that not only you but all others whom might suffer might find the peace I have today.

I just wanted to thank everyone for posting here today and for sharing their own thoughts, stories, and feelings as well.

As for me, I survived Thanksgiving - but not unscathed. I made it through the family stuff pretty well and then did what most of us do after overeating. I fell asleep when I got home. Awhile ago I awoke from a nightmare - one that I used to have nightly. It's never exactly the same and is sometimes ( as tonight ) totally abstract and factually wrong - but the theme is always the same... it's of when my ex and I split up a few years back.

I often make the joke "time to up my dosage" in my posts. This time it's not a joke. I think it is time to up my dosage.

God those dreams always rip the soul right out of me.

~Heff

Thank you for bringing his up. I got hit with clinical depression at age 12 when my parents divorced - knocked me right into next week. Christmas when I was young was fun - grandparents, sister, beautiful tree. Christmas afterwards was a nightmare. Both parents remarried to folks who didn't like kids. Dad dragged my sister and I to each of his girlfriend's houses each Christmas Eve (4 was the record) and told us how lucky we were to get so many presents - girlfriends trying to buy his kids approval. Christmas Day was spent with mom and I-don't-like-kids stepdad, so we had to be quiet as mice. Yuck. I HATED the holidays after years of that crap.

Now I have 2 kids of my own and I try to emulate my beautiful mother in law. Just because I don't like the holidays, my kids shouldn't suffer for that. Now that they're older (12 and 13) they continually want less for themselves and more for others. We will be spending this weekend using some set aside Christmas money to buy toys for the Toys for Tots program. My kids really are the only thing that keep me from spending the entire month of December hiding in my closet.

Heff and everyone else who has posted - you're never really alone on ATS.

This subject rings lots of bells with me - longer term members will know that, for a number of reasons, I spend my Christmases and the festive season alone in the most part - have done so for the past 8 years - and always try and reach out to folks on site who are in a similar position.

Anyone on here who needs an ear, or even just a hello or a bit of a chat can drop me a pm. You are always welcome.

Thank you op for this thread , you are not alone.I have just put this here so can find thread again , then I will add a little more.

reply to post by Hefficide


It is my opinion that all of us on earth have mental disorders. These are symptoms of a problem that is not readily recognized because mankind as a whole mostly dont understand who and what we are. It is spiritual darkess we suffer from. Its insanity we suffer from. Just as on the movie "Avatar" the blue monkey's think the sky people suffer insanity. We have lost all connection to life itself. That connection to the life giving energy that radiates from all that exists in the universe.

As many here on ATS should know the scientific community as a whole covers up more knowledge to hide the truth than they offer in the public. Ontop of the fact they are the most narrow minded people on the planet. Thier interest is not uncovering truth, it is only to explain the version of truth the ruling class to whom they answer to, want you to know.
With all that said, all these prognosis of ailments, all the symptoms being described as the cause of an ailment itself.
Posting this comment using my phone was a mistake. Cant scoll the text body correctly, and typing this much took forever. My point is this: dont put yourself in a box, you are not a bipolar person, you are not this title or that title. You are the sum total of an infinite number of variable's, most of wich we are unaware of. Your experiance, your choices, the point of view from wich you view things , the filter with wich you process your thoughts, all of that and more determines what and who you are. If someone has bipolar disorder or a chemical inbalance, these are physical symptoms of a imbalance in the Psyche that manifests in the physical body. Your physical body is a reflection of your metaphysical state of being.

I would recomend you seek the help of a hypnotherapist who can regress you to the source of the problem, whether you aquired this blockage in this life or a previous one, the best way to solve a problem is to treat the cause not just the symptom. Now those of you that think that sounds like a bunch of hocus pocus, i say to you...see what i mean by when i say mankind dont know himself? Your soul is a foci of energy, conscious energy. We are all a fractal/hologram of the one infinite creator.
Hypnotherapist's are not cheap so you can study on your own and learn spiritual knowledge. I'm not speaking about any religion, one cant gain true spiritual understanding or insight from these dogmatic and archaic ideas, unless you already have a fundimental understanding of spirit. If you are under what i call the "godspell" which means if you are god fearing, think god can save you, think you are rewarded or punnished according for your deeds in this life, well you are under the godspell if you suffer from any of the aforementioned ideas. The first problem with religion is the fact it's based on fear. Fear causes blockage in the Psyche, fear causes blindness and poor choices, fear parilizes intelligent thought processes. Religion is fals wisdom, false spiritual knowledge. The truth is you and only you have the power to fix you with knowlesge, wich leads to choices that lead to a balanced consciousness and lifestyle, good diet and exercise, let go of thoughts of anger, judgment, vengance for those that wronged you, forgive and heal. Mind your thoughts, and realize we are not seperate we are all connected.... we are all one. Read the book titled "THE LAW OF ONE: the RA material, produced by L/L Research.

reply to post by scooter3200


Regarding hypnotherapy. One of my ex's is a licensed, professional hypnotherapist and she used to become livid with me because she could NOT hypnotize me. I, apparently, remain in an "alpha state" at all times and this somehow prevents suggestibility from taking root.

Regarding mental illness: I think that neurochemistry holds the answers. Oddly enough I once asked a very, very well known mental health professional why it is that we live in a society were we have twenty options available for old men who still want to have a bit of bedroom fun - but almost all of the new psychiatric medications are simply molecular bastardizations of the Prozac formula. His reply was that the pharmaceutical companies feel that there would not be enough profit in designing effective psychiatric drugs.

The silver lining to that cloud, I suppose, is that the way the world is going - and the way people are losing faith in it all, maybe that financial incentive will come to pass and the research and development will happen.

~Heff

reply to post by Hefficide



I read your whole post.

To me... you sound... completely NORMAL

Hope you had a good thanksgiving

Originally posted by Hefficide

I just wanted to thank everyone for posting here today and for sharing their own thoughts, stories, and feelings as well.

As for me, I survived Thanksgiving - but not unscathed. I made it through the family stuff pretty well and then did what most of us do after overeating. I fell asleep when I got home. Awhile ago I awoke from a nightmare - one that I used to have nightly. It's never exactly the same and is sometimes ( as tonight ) totally abstract and factually wrong - but the theme is always the same... it's of when my ex and I split up a few years back.

I often make the joke "time to up my dosage" in my posts. This time it's not a joke. I think it is time to up my dosage.

God those dreams always rip the soul right out of me.

~Heff

We built so many memories with them during the holidays. They were the new family that we were creating. No matter where we are or what we do, the holidays bring back those memories .... then those memories bring back the ones we don't want, of how it ended.
If only they could find a way to extract the unwanted memories from our minds so they no longer haunt us at all....

I feel ya Heff, I feel ya....

I was determined that the relationship that I made myself part of wouldn't be like other relationships these days. I put everything I had into it. My whole heart, my body, my mind, my very soul. I gave complete devotion, let another person into my inner being and thought it was a mutual concept. It's the only way I know how to 'love' and thought I had found the same in someone else. I was wrong.... maybe that's the part that hurts the most.

Broken hearts heal, a broken soul... it's a whole different ballgame

reply to post by Hefficide



I love the way and the manner in which this has been written. it opened my mind up a little and got me thinking to try and appreciate the times we have together during the holidays and think more of the positives over all towards all people we meet

reply to post by Hefficide


I hate the term 'Mental Health' too.... to me its like they are saying 'i'm mental' or 'deluded' in some way which puts a stigma like you say onto yourself.... I have learnt to ignore that Stigma though and go about my daily life looking at others who look a lot more deluded than me.... those who havn't figured out the meaning of life yet.....

About the Holidays.... Easter and xmas.... these mean nothing much to me either.... I too think of these as just another day!!

I could never really get into xmas due to my upbringing...

On social Media sites, I can't even be bothered to post 'happy xmas' on everyones profile and tend to stay away from the sites from middle of December!!

Originally posted by Hefficide
reply to post by scooter3200

 

Regarding hypnotherapy. One of my ex's is a licensed, professional hypnotherapist and she used to become livid with me because she could NOT hypnotize me. I, apparently, remain in an "alpha state" at all times and this somehow prevents suggestibility from taking root.

Regarding mental illness: I think that neurochemistry holds the answers. Oddly enough I once asked a very, very well known mental health professional why it is that we live in a society were we have twenty options available for old men who still want to have a bit of bedroom fun - but almost all of the new psychiatric medications are simply molecular bastardizations of the Prozac formula. His reply was that the pharmaceutical companies feel that there would not be enough profit in designing effective psychiatric drugs.

The silver lining to that cloud, I suppose, is that the way the world is going - and the way people are losing faith in it all, maybe that financial incentive will come to pass and the research and development will happen.

~Heff

edit on 11/23/12 by Hefficide because: typo

I know you listed a few things in the OP, but if it's OK to discuss, how come you suffer from PTSD? I understand if you don't want to disclose that here.

I know this may not be the place to discuss helping but I remember about 3 years ago I didn't 'feel right' (staying in bed longer, not wanting to go out with friends etc) and 3 things have really helped-

1- Deer Velvet Antler. I was sleeping too much and started taking this and I started sleeping perfectly and it made me feel better. I would only recommend taking it when you need it- if I get cold symptoms, I take a couple of capsules and the cold is gone. It's medicine for the body (not to be taken all the time, but if you feel down or a bit achy, take it when needed.)

2- Eat more fatty fish- I remember reading an article that suggest simply taking a fish oil supplement with high omega 3 can really help with brain function and fight depression.

3- Exercise, it releases chemicals and makes you feel good.

I know it's easier said than done, but those 3 things listed above can really make a difference to both your mental and physical well being.

I obviously don't know you or what you do to combat how you feel, but I sensed you really were down in a previous post (about your ex) so I'm writing this to genuinely try and help.

Living in a negative past is unhealthy, you have to keep active and try and live in the present- give yourself something to focus on and work for.

All the best

reply to post by Hefficide


What are these holidays anyway? Just days ticking away further back to your death And really you don't have to have a mental condition to dread them. These end of the year days of ahum joy just magnify everything that isn't ok, like feeling alone or having to struggle all the time or [fill in].

So when 1 January comes along I take a deep breath and say: finally the new year has come and away with all that Christmas crap.

So just go about do what ever you like the most and think aloud with me: 1 January 1 January 1 January 1 January