Bottom of the Pit [poem]

Drops of blood fall into the endless realm of the sublime.
Voices of a billion tormented souls echo through time.

Every passing moment slowly eats away at my once whole soul.
From birth to death we are made completely empty and hollow.

Sick and twisted beings roam this world as if they own it.
Claiming to be sentient while leading us to the bottom of the pit.

The shadow fades and my eyes become half closed.
My mind becomes open and my hunger slowly grows.

That gentle but piercing look in your eyes tells me you can fly.
We watch as you swiftly take lift off and then shrivel up and die.

To what extent has our understanding been carefully inverted.
Hairs stand on end as he whispers how destiny has been averted.

Raise your clenched fist into the air and make a declaration.
Nothing will change in this world without your participation.

reply to post by ChaoticOrder



Not bad. I don't want to make a reputation for myself as the Poetry Nazi around here. So I will keep my impressions brief.

Good job on using the couplet form. Also, I especially like the vertical movement of the poem (the point at which the poem's intent becomes apparent. Your big message, or the turning point.) Which to me felt like the 4th stanza. I do like the last couplet as well...it really hammers it home and makes your message meaningful and profound.

But, I feel I must hand out some tips for your next poem as well. Poetry needs tangible descriptions...and a lot of them! There is no music to make the words sound good. The words have to be the music itself.

You need to describe what an "endless realm" looks like..and what makes it sublime?
what the "echo of a tormented soul" might sound like
You need to explain what makes a being "sick and twisted"...and better yet, show an example of it
What does this bottomless pit look like? smell like? feel life?

You have to show the reader these things, instead of just telling about them.

I love poetry, and can easily be over-analytical about it. Nonetheless, thanks for sharing. It's always a pleasure to read someone's poetic expression.

reply to post by NarcolepticBuddha


Hey thanks for the reply.

I appreciate your analysis and advice, but honestly I never really write poems. I've written maybe 4 or 5 poems in my life. I have no idea what "couplet form" is.

But in response to your advice about adding more description, I don't really think that's necessary. Some of the best poems are often vague and obscure.

That way the reader can make their own interpretation of what it's supposed to mean. Honestly I have no idea what half of this poem means, the words just came to me.

Originally posted by ChaoticOrder
reply to post by NarcolepticBuddha

 

Some of the best poems are often vague and obscure.

That way the reader can make their own interpretation of what it's supposed to mean.

edit on 21/11/2012 by ChaoticOrder because: (no reason given)

pffft! Those "classical poets" just didn't know any better I am very modernist when it comes to poetry. That means no rhyming and no obscurity.