Why do I attract.....

Originally posted by jziegler
reply to post by randomtangentsrme

 

I tried telling him that, he said he wouldn't feel comfortable if I dated other guys.

This to me says he is not willing to have an equal relationship.
For myself, I would say if he's not willing to have an equal relationship, he's not worth being in a relationship with. Ultimately what you do is your choice.

So what I'm trying to get at is this, I met someone who I've known since I was 12.

First obvious question that pops to my mind... yes you've known him since you were 12 but you have not seen him or been in close contact with him ever since, have you? You say he's in the army so I presume he must've gone for tour duties and got called away from home for long periods of time.

He is an army vet, says he's in love with me,

What strikes me is that you always gear yourself from the guy's standpoint. "He said he was different and would take care of me", "He says he loves me". What about you? How do you feel in his presence, do you feel a spark, are you happy, anything different going on in your mind and body?

but still sleeps with lots of women. He was always like this so I decided to let him have an open relationship because I don't want to change him or force him to change. Since allowing this, he's been changing on his own in his own way. He has slowed down the women but hasn't fully stopped but he does tell his friends he's in love with a girl.

Two things here. 1) It's good that you know he sleeps around and for your sake I hope he puts on a condom every time. 2) It's good that you did not want to change him because putting barriers to such things can only build his frustration and yours in the long run.
NOW, how do you feel about him sleeping around? Yes, you accept it because "he's in love with you" but how does that make you feel is the more appropriate question? He says he's in love with "a" girl, did he ever mention your name? If he hasn't, I'm sorry to say but... you're not that girl.

He wants me to move in with him and get married but I don't know if I should. My gut tells me to wait even though I had feelings for him since I was 12. I need advice. He is dealing with PTSD from the war and his mother dying. He also deals with bipolar disorder and sees a therapist for this regularly. Sometimes I see some controlling and possessiveness come out of him but I don't know if this is his defenses or is he really an abusive guy???? Why do I attract these guys and what can I do? I'm a very friendly, down to earth girl and I wear my heart on my shoulder. Please help.

The big finale now. He is an army vet. He has seen some very disturbing things I'm sure and I do not discard them as damaged goods (even though they are in a sense) but one thing is clear in my mind. He is going through a VERY rough patch. PTSD is not something that just fades, it remains. What varies is the intensity of the disorder. His mother dying is also a milestone event in his life so asking you to move in and get married, to me... at this point, I think, is to fill the void of his loss with his mom. The controlling and possessive traits within his behavior are part of his bipolar disorder. The question is, how intense is it? Do you feel smothered by it or do these traits just pop-up very few times? Again, from previous tip, get to see him drunk. The two character traits you described might get enhanced and if they do... sorry to say but he's not going to be the one.

As to why you attract these guys? Hmmmm, that is a very hard question to answer. Again, not to judge, just trying to make sense and help you out, it could be that you ignore red flags like the many you mentioned above. Could be you want to move in with them too fast as came to light previously. That is something you will have to find on your own but never stay in a relationship just because it's better than being alone... that's my final "cut" to your story

Originally posted by jziegler
reply to post by lasvegasteddy

 

He's very clingy, always texting me that he needs me. He'll text me things like "how come you don't love me anymore" because I do send him test texts. His therapist actually told him it's normal to sleep with many women given his Ptsd. I thought she was a quack but she does have 30 yrs of experience on PTSD. So who knows. I will keep everything in mind. I want to stay true to myself and find myself without a man's help. He just keeps pushing for more.

Very clingy, and I talk about personal experience here, will drive you nutters! It depletes your energy without you even realizing it. This kind of constant "I need you texting", no matter how flattering, will lead to you being woken up at 4 am not knowing if he's in an actual crisis or if he's just bored and feels alone. Again, from my experience and perspective, overly clingy people have their own agenda and will do anything to get what they want. By own agenda I meant, I need to see you, you need to do this for me, etc without any regards for your time or feelings.

Originally posted by jziegler
reply to post by natalia

 

Thanks for the advice, I've actually told him it's probably just infatuation and he called me crazy. My brother is bipolar also and doesn't take meds so I know what to look for but something keeps telling me to hang in there and then there's another part of me that says run away as fast as you can. Does that make sense?

Yep it does, everyone has it and I call it the duality of oneself. Fear of the unknown keeps us put and the true realization of the urgency of the situation makes us want to move on which, in your case, would be the best option to choose. There are plenty of more fish in your local pond so staying put with a guy just because he "might" change or "might" show signs of improvement is, in a very crude but realistic way of putting it, a waste of your time.

As I look back on my life, smothered in substance abuse and addiction, I think I might have ended up the one better off. I've found reasonable footing.

I seriously do not know why people put themselves through this. It's hard enough living with the monsters in your own head, let alone having to deal with someone elses.

I mean, I don't know why you can't see in your OP what it is you are telling us. Everything in that tells me you should get away from him as soon as possible.

It's a no brainer.

but I could be confused.. when I read "baby mama" I wanted to poke my eyes out... ;/

reply to post by jziegler


I will tell you what in the past I have told my own grown daughters: RUN!!! Run like hell and don't look back!!!

To be attracting these clingy, controlling men says that they perceive you to be an enabler. These sort of men are seriously lacking in self-esteem and look to women who tolerate such behavior to feed their false sense of self importance (which in actuality does nothing to help their self-esteem).

Stay away from men for awhile and go find your true self. When you have nurtured your own self-esteem for a time you will find that you are repulsed by that sort of men instead of attracted to them. Love yourself first and best!

It's simple.
Are you trash?

If not then don't act like it.

If you don't want you men to play the field then don't tolerate it.
Set your ground rules right at the beginning (in you mind at least). Stick to them.
Expect your men to treat you with reverance and respect.

I'm sorry but bars are good for only two things.
1. Drinking your problems away. That's someone with problems you can't fix.
2. Meeting people. If you are going there by yourself then you are not ready for one man.
Did your mother go to bars without your father/step father? How did that turn out?

From a mans point of view your actions and appearance describe who you really are.
How many men have you slept with?
How many men have you lived with?
How short are the majority of your skirts?
How tall are your shoes.
How extravigant are your fingernails?
How do the girls in your group stack up in these appearance questions?

You can flame me if you want but I'm 56 and I know what I am talking about. I can walk into a room and spot trash within a few seconds. That's not to say I won't play with trashy women but I know going in what to expect and I kinow you can't turn a ho into a housewife. You play with them for a couple of weeks and move on.

If you are a classy woman then act like it. You will attract classy men. Settle for no less.

Where are you meeting these guys?

I think you might be in with the wrong crowd. It's not that you attract these guys, it's just that you put yourself in a position to attract them.

I think if I were you, I'd stay single for a while. Focus on yourself. Get a hobby, make some new friends. You need to work on your self esteem. Don't hang out with people unless they represent the sort of person you want to be. I'd do a total life make over. You don't have kids, you're single. Reinvent yourself. Make your life what you want it to be.

I don't think entering into a relationship that, even before it starts, demands one party to believe things will be better when the other party changes their behaviour is a good idea. If the person in front of you isn't someone who you wish to be in a relationship with as they stand, don't enter into a relationship with them.

Originally posted by jziegler

Why do I attract these guys and what can I do?

It's surprising what sticks in our minds. From years ago I remember this line in response to a question with the same sentiment as yours above:

Because Willy, we're the pure in heart. Never quite got around to being villains. An' the true villains of the world, they see our light and they come a runnin' to warm their hands at our fire.
~ Ray Bradbury Theatre - A Miracle of Rare Device

As to what you can do in such situations, simply take care.

Maybe you'll find a good guy at the bar.

Originally posted by ErgoTheConclusion
reply to post by jziegler

 

You've devoted a thread on a conspiracy forum to the discussion of why all these people with undesirable traits keep being attracted to your all around good natured sweetness. This is a dead ringer giveaway for your half of the equation that might be worth honestly looking into.

To reply to your edit: I'm not "judging" you despite your thread being entirely about your judgement of others.

You asked a question and I offered an honest response based on honest experience from honest relationships. If what you want is a cuddle party and everyone offering sympathy, then say so. Don't veil it in an inquiry for advice on a public forum. Your style of reaction just adds more weight to the initial impression you give off in your opening post and some of the followups.

edit on 18-11-2012 by ErgoTheConclusion because: (no reason given)

You are wrong! She posted this in the relationship forum...if you are not able to show compassion for someone perhaps you should stick to the CONSPIRACY forums.

You cant do nothing. Its some kind of law of attraction at work.

You need to be single a while and stay away from men who sleep around. Just because he says one thing doesn't mean he is true with those words. Men will lie just like women to get what they want.

Seems like you jumped from one relationship to another without any time in between to heal. Worry about you first then worry about someone else.

reply to post by ascension211

If you can't see the compassion in my response then perhaps you should stick to the metaphysics forums.

Compassion comes in many forms, and not always with an "awwww".

Originally posted by ErgoTheConclusion
reply to post by ascension211

 

If you can't see the compassion in my response then perhaps you should stick to the metaphysics forums.

Compassion comes in many forms, and not always with an "awwww".

You need to look up the definition of compassion....and still this is the relationship forum!

You are wrong! She posted this in the relationship forum...if you are not able to show compassion for someone perhaps you should stick to the CONSPIRACY forums.

reply to post by ascension211

It's very simple. You make bad choices... you meet "bad" people.

This relationship section of this conspiracy forum we inhabit is open to all sorts of people.

My relationship with my ex fiance lasted 3 yrs. I loved him very much but we grew apart and were going two different directions. In fact were still friends. I waited til feb 2011 to move in with the abuser because everyone kept pushing me towards him when I wasnt ready. He also was trying to rush things, I wanted to stay single and find myself but he somehow manipulated me into feeling guilty so I gave in and moved in with him. I barely go to the bar but maybe once every month I do like to enjoy a drink at a bar to socialize. I tend to stay home most of the time. Im not trash, my parents raised me with class, manners and respect. I was ok with being a secret for so long because the child was five at the time and I felt as though putting that child through parents' relationships would be either tough or tramatizing. I felt when the time was right then wed cross that bridge. The reason why I confronted him was because my cousin told me that she seen him and his kids' mother at the store with my car and they were holding hands. The reason for me moving back with my mom rather than staying at my apartment to rediscover myself was I couldnt afford it. I was overdrafting with every paycheck and I was making 30000 a yr working for a doctors office. My self esteem is damaged from when I was a child. I was teased all the time by the other girls. My picture is my avatar. Thats me. I was actually tested today by the army vet today. He had his friend text me who Im not allowed to talk to because he wasnt talking to her anymore. She asked about doing something for his bday. I said Id think about it. Next I knew he texted me not to come over tomorrow because I was talking to her. I told him it was about his bday but whatever. He came back with not whatever the # ever i told you not to talk to her but u did. I forwarded the texts to him and said goodbye. Im done playing petty games. An hour later I get a text from her saying she was told to call and tell me that she didnt know she wasnt allowed to talk to me and she didnt know shed get me in trouble and that he wants me there and didnt mean what he said and was just angry and throwing a temper tantrum. I did not respond. Five minutes later I get a text from him saying, Come over. Now. then another text, I want you to sleep over please. I did not respond. I didnt appreciate any of those texts and made me realize I should walk away. So Im walking away for now. I am going to continue discovering myself. By the way to answer someones question, Im 25 and Ive slept with only 4 partners. Did I answer everyones questions? LOL. Please, Im loving the advice both neg and pos. You guys are helping. I may not realize I already know because Im too busy doing too many things at once.

You said, "So Im walking away for now." I was hoping you were going to say that you were walking away for good. I just don't see you being happy in a realtionship with him, other than friendship. Alas, it is your life and your decision and I wish you well.

Originally posted by jziegler
He had his friend text me who Im not allowed to talk to because he wasnt talking to her anymore. She asked about doing something for his bday. I said Id think about it. Next I knew he texted me not to come over tomorrow because I was talking to her. I told him it was about his bday but whatever. He came back with not whatever the # ever i told you not to talk to her but u did. I forwarded the texts to him and said goodbye. Im done playing petty games.

So Im walking away for now.

You are contradicting yourself. If you are really tired of playing those petty games you should block him out of your life completely. This

An hour later I get a text from her saying she was told to call and tell me that she didnt know she wasnt allowed to talk to me and she didnt know shed get me in trouble and that he wants me there and didnt mean what he said and was just angry and throwing a temper tantrum. I did not respond. Five minutes later I get a text from him saying, Come over. Now. then another text, I want you to sleep over please.

is just the beginning and if you accept that behavior now, well sorry to say, you've already lost. It's time to put your foot down and let him off the hook gently (knowing his PTSD and bipolarness) because the longer you wait the more damage you will incur on yourself, let alone on him.

I am going to continue discovering myself.

Best thing to help you is to print out all the advise you've received. It's easy to read it over quickly online and forget about it. When you have it in writing, and are organized , you will be able to go back to those pages and understand other people's points of view. Just my two cents!

Good luck again!

If you are a classy woman then expect your men to be classy.
Your man should not be holding hands with his ex. PERIOD! Relationship done and over. Do not accept calls or texts. Un friend him on this facebook thing.
By even discusing (with him) his reasons for doing such a thing makes you a canidate for the Jerry Springer show. You can't cure stupid. Move on.

If your friends have issues along the same lines then you have the wrong friends.
By your picture you should have no trouble attracting men.

Dating advice based on your looks and age and job:
Look beyond the 'bad boy' types. There is a reason they insert the word 'bad'.
He should be done with school.
He should have a job with career potential. This job must be secure.
He should be fully supporting himself.
He should have no debt other than school loans.
Ideally he should have no children. But certainly no more than 1 baby mama. Child support fully paid up.
Don't open you legs until you confirm all of the above.

Dont settle and you won't be disappointed.

If I were back in my early 30's . . . . .