Dr. Evil: My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard really. At the age of twelve, I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.

- Oh I get it. It's very clever.
- Thank you.
- How's that workin' out for you?
- What?
- Being clever.
- Great.
- Keep it up then.

Shooter McGaven: I eat pieces of sh** like you for breakfast!
Happy Gilmore: You eat pieces of sh** for breakfast?!
Shooter McGaven: ... uhh .... no..!

Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.

Veronica Corningstone: No, there's no way that's correct.

Ron Burgundy: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.

Veronica Corningstone: Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?

Ron Burgundy: No. No.

Veronica Corningstone: No, that's - that's what it means. Really.

Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.

Ron Burgundy: I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.

Veronica Corningstone: I will have you know that I have more talent and more intelligence in my little finger than you do in your entire body, sir.

Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker.

White Goodman: Get off of me, don't you touch me! It is over between us, Kate. Nobody makes me bleed my own blood - nobody!

Young Ben: Dad?
Ben's Father: Hmm?
Young Ben: I don't think I'm gonna do Hamster Style anymore.
Ben's Father: That's nice.

Mariachi Band: Mi Verga es chiquita y muy fea... y todo el mundo lo sabe...

Dave the Lighting Guy: I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think Depeche Mode is a sweet band!

Dave the Lighting Guy: Dude, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think you got a hot ass!
Joe Young: Thanks.

Ben Chapelski: Whoa! DVDA shot! So, you up for some sushi?

Maxxx Orbison: What's your name, again?

Sancho: I am Sancho.

Maxxx Orbison: Look, I get a lot of people auditioning all the time. What makes you think that you'd be good enough for porno?

Sancho: I am Sancho.

Maxxx Orbison: Great... but what do you do?

Sancho: What do I do? I am Sancho.

Maxxx Orbison: And...?

Sancho: And there are many Jeffs in the world, and many Toms as well. But I... am Sancho.

Maxxx Orbison: And...?

Sancho: Are you Sancho? No you are not. Neither is Scott Baio Sancho. Frank Gifford is not Sancho. But I...

Maxxx Orbison: You... are Sancho!

Sancho: That's right.

Maxxx Orbison: Okay, you're hired.