How can a person turn around their life?

reply to post by AthlonSavage


Dear AthlonSavage,

You did not answer me, what do you hope for, what is it that gives you hope?

reply to post by AthlonSavage


Well I can relate to your friend allright.I've had success,failure,real highs,some real lows and if you'd told me 20 year ago this is where I'd be I'd have told you you were talking out your arse but here I am.

Not wanting to turn this post about me so i'll just say I could blame fate,others,luck or god I dont believe in but I took the path that lead me here so I reckon I know who to blame if blame is needed.lol.

He needs to figure out what it is he wants,what he considers important,what is success for him.

If it's a career then that's something he can work towards,if it's a relationship that's not so easy to achieve singlehandedly like a career or wealth is.

He needs to stop blaming his percieved failure on mythical beings or the whim of fate and ask himself who's fault it really is and why.

I'm not too into bouts of self analysis,I find it easier to be honest with myself then try and learn from my mistakes.He needs to figure out where he's been going wrong and try to avoid the same mistakes.

Maybe what would be far better (works for me!!) is if he stopped worrying about what he's not done or not got and enjoyed living and being alive here and now (that trait is my biggest failing and my saving grace !!!).Are his expectations unrealistic is that why he keeps failing or has he got himself into a cycle of expecting a negative outcome n therefore guaranteeing one.

It is absolutely possible to change your life around cos I've done it twice now but you have to want to change and at least think its possible to give yourself chance.

He has let go of the chip on his shoulder n stop believeing he's a victim of god or fate or he's got no hope

reply to post by AQuestion

You did not answer me, what do you hope for, what is it that gives you hope?

In one word LOVE

People are a lot less complex than you perceive them to be. The sooner you figure that out, the easier life & relationships will be for you. Unfortunately, some won't figure that out until its way too late & they're on their death bed.....alone. Don't try to read too much into it and don't waste your life trying to figure out why you're different or aren't happy. You aren't happy because you aren't pursuing happiness and you are not successful. Don't sit around waiting for something or someone to motivate you to change.....just shut up and do it. And I say that with the utmost respect & hope that some of you are able to know happiness and success equally.

reply to post by juicebox

My outlook on life is this: As long as the people I care about are healthy, safe and happy... that's all the matters, everything else is just icing on the cake. I'm soo not rich with money lol but I feel very blessed and grateful for what I do have. Life is just way too short to spend it angry and bitter or comparing yourself to others.

Carimg about someone and having that care returned then i agree that is all that matters...everything else is secondary.

reply to post by Unidentified_Objective

Don't sit around waiting for something or someone to motivate you to change.....just shut up and do it. And I say that with the utmost respect & hope that some of you are able to know happiness and success equally.

I agree to most extent, although it cant be excluded completely the motivational influence one person can have in another. I for example have only come on to Ats because of one person. Without that person i wouldnt even be here at all. That person is my driver. So sometimes the motivating force is external to the indivdual.

reply to post by fastbob72

I'm not too into bouts of self analysis,I find it easier to be honest with myself then try and learn from my mistakes.He needs to figure out where he's been going wrong and try to avoid the same mistakes.

Fastbob,
these two statements negate one another. I think "self analysis" is the same as "figuring out what one has been doing" that is counterproductive ("wrong" -- was your word; I think a better term is counterproductive, because "wrong" implies something else was "right").

Self-analysis is being honest with oneself, and admitting one's mistakes, and trying to learn from them. So, I'm going to take from your statement, that you, in fact, have engaged in self-analysis, by examining your choices and rethinking them with hindsight. That is how we grow, you are absolutely right.

Your friend is stuck in pity party mode. Not taking responsibility for his own choices, and everything in life that isn't going well is somebody else's fault.

Your friend should sit down and make a list of all the good things they have in life, and then a list of all that's wrong. If that person does that, and the list for what is wrong is longer than the list of what is good, they need to go get some serious counseling.

Everybody has rain fall on their lives, but rain helps people who have planted the seeds for success, or the roots for,grow.

Basically your friend needs to learn how to turn negatives into positives.

You know, if I were to come up with of the most common reasons people tend to screw up their lives repeatedly, I would suggest this-

Opposing intents.
When you start to analyze, it almost comes down to two or more intentions that are actually opposing each other.

Examples-
I want a partner who is gentle and receptive / I want a partner who is strong willed and focused.
I want to grow and expand my mind / I don't want unknown and unexpected
I want power / I don't want responsibility


It just seems like very often, what we think we want comes with things we don't want, and we sabotage then, our own efforts. The structure of our thoughts and plans has holes and discontinuities. The blue prints are flawed and we make bridges that fall.

That is why I often end up thinking that learning philosophical thought is valuable, especially for young adults, as they are drawing out their self image and their plans for future.
Ones personal philosophy is like their blueprints of themself and their life.
Sometiems when you are trying to help someone figure out "what keeps going wrong" for them, it is just a matter of asking them questions to get to what their various intents and motivations are- as they say them outloud, they start to see which ones are incompatible and where they need to make choices.

reply to post by AthlonSavage

If accepting that a persons failings in life are mostly are due to their own doings of choices and actions, then what can they do to turn around behavioural patterns which are harming their ability to succeed. In practical day life terms what can the individual do to change negative behaviours into positive ones that yield mostly successful outcomes.

This is where i would like posters to contribute to the debate. How can a person turn their life around so to become successful and happy in life. I will suggest as a starter learning time management skills and the link below will take you to a Time management map, which identifies all the key attributes which make up a good system for time management.

Time management is an excellent "starter," if the person's problems are with organization and productivity. No question about that.

A person must examine all of their behavior patterns, and identify precisely how each pattern advances or regresses them in view of their long term goals.

It's important -- critical, even -- to acknowledge how one's behavior results in consequences. In most cases, a person who is stuck in several aspects of life (social, physical health, professional, practical) has grown into habits of using coping mechanisms that at one time served, but later turn out to be unhelpful.

Part of it is circumstances beyond our "control" (the economy, or our location, for example -- not everyone can uproot and leave to start again somewhere else), and frustration is bound to occur. Learning new ways of responding to external influences entails minute-by-minute, real-time AWARENESS of what one is doing.

If your friend sees, for example, a woman who interests him, he might consider "why" she interests him. Are the reasons, the compelling qualities the very same qualities as those women with whom he experienced failed relationships?

Why is he attracted to those qualities, and what did he do, or put up with her doing that caused the failures?

Blaming God is a cop-out; but luck does have something to do with our "success". Being in the right place at the right time, by coincidence (whether it is really coincidence or not is another topic), can help a man make leaps toward his goals.

But first he must HAVE goals. One way to begin getting unstuck is to ask oneself to think about their future. "How do I picture my life in 5 years?" Then, depending on the answer ('I think I'll be dead.' versus 'I'll have a kind spouse and one child' or 'I'll be the CEO of Microsoft,' for examples) examine why they think so, or want that. Next, ask "How do I WANT my life to be in 5 years? Ten years? Twenty years?" (It's surprising how few people have answers to these questions - especially young adults.)

Identifying goals is first. Next comes examination of options (we ALL have options, every day), and a conscious application of each option. Will the option chosen lead TO or AWAY from their goals? Has the option that seems most natural been tried before and failed? Does the person need to learn different skills? Begin "acting"rather than "reacting"?

Nice thread!! Very important questions
s/f

A person's self worth (what we call "success") is measured against their failures in life. So many people run around thinking that being successful means you always have a 500 dollar wad of cash in your wallet, and you drive around in a Bentley all day talking on a cellphone while millions of dollars effortlessly falls into your bank accounts.

People's perceptions for personal success has shifted from being spiritual to being material, and they wonder why theyre unhappy. If your spirit is miserable, you will be miserable. This is why you see millionaires and billionaire's with all that money and theyre completely and hopelessly miserable.

He should quit focusing on things that do not mean anything and start focusing on what you have to be thankful for. You can end up so rich you own the world but you can't take it with you when you die.

Our local newspaper allows comments on stories (usually, except on pedophiles.) A couple of years ago a fellow wound up shot dead by a cop. The newspaper delved into his life and it was a typical meth head trip where he had been in numerous scrapes with the law, breaking and entering, all sorts of petty criminal activity. Long story short a lot of the commentors criticized this fellow for being rather stupid to having got himself shot. (He lunged for a gun.) so one of his relatives wrote in and said he was "Just turning his life around" but was a really good guy, a great uncle, etc.

So now any story printed that is about someone who gets himself into trouble or winds up earning the Darwin Award always gets a comment, "He was just turning his life around." It's so pervasive that the term itself has become controversial on the board. It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop so the controversy can begin.

The point is, of course, that they don't or weren't at all. They were indulging in the same pattern they always did. Those who felt compelled to defend these guys obviously felt they were "turning their life around," but this was mostly wishful thinking on their part. Most people don't because they have set themselves a pattern of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

Oh, sometimes it happens. A drunk finds AA or The Lord and it's happiness ever after. Sometimes they simply trade one addiction for another. I've seen former drunks "drunk on the Lord" as it consumes them as much as alcohol ever did. But I'd rather have them drunk on the Lord than on booze, so I guess we can count that as a life turned around.

With this guy I noticed he had a degree in engineering. Seriously? This is one of the most coveted degrees around. It's almost impossible to fail. Jobs are plentiful--if you move to the right place. There's really not much excuse here. It's hard to find symoathy for someone who has so much intrinsic wealth tied up in his education. It's not like he has a B.A. in English and is forced to work at McDonalds. You can throw words like "love" and "hope" up there all you want, but those abstract concepts need some sort of grounding to mean anything tangible at all. Next time he starts complaining about all his character flaws and blaming it on others, perhaps you ought to listen for awhile, and then proclaim that you've figured out just where his life is of value.

Maybe the purpose of his life is to serve as a warning to others.

The answer to this seems to lie in the question of responsibility.

I hope to one day live in a world where responsibility is not a term that, when conceptualized, embodies a differed authority (or lack there of), nor be it a device which employs some type of blame or liability, to which, there may or may not be a consequent penalty for failure or violation, for one whom may or may not be "Responsible".

I say this, because it appears to me that the very meaning of my existence is inherent in the act of existing; that is to say, the meaning of my existence is embodied in my responsibility to exist - this being, quite literally, my ability to respond to to that existence. We have a "Response-Ability". In this sense, we are only "responsible" to ourselves. How one chooses to respond to their existence is their own. This is not to say that we should act only in regard for ourselves, however, but rather the exact opposite. What this infers is that if it is within our ability to respond to our existence, we can and should respond; for example, it is within our ability to respond to certain conditions of our existence (corruption, poverrty, war, etc.), and it is my belief we must do so. To not respond is to, in some sense, live without meaning.

What this infers is that one should not be prodded into accepting his fellow (wo)man, one should not feel imposed upon to help someone in need; these are things that should unfold from within. That the consideration and care of others is not something madadted by a governing body or regulated through overt or passive disciplinary action, but rather a desire of the body, and of the will of the individual, not of the collective imposing upon the individual.

Responsibility doesn't just mean blame, liability, or authority; this view actually severs the relationships we all have to eachother, and our collective obligation to try and make the world better for all; we all have a response-ability, and so we must all act responsibly. Responsibility, rendered in this view, is simply an opportunity.

I am a college drop out. I spent my early 20's in a drug addled state. My house was THE party house.

Then I got married, and my wife was pregnant. It was a simple choice at that point:

- love her like my life depended on it (and it turns out it likely did)
- whatever I choose to do for a living, never miss work and work harder than everyone else

Doing these two things has made my home life outstanding, and my work life something that is an inspiration to some others I know.

It isn't rocket science. People who understand that "customer service" applies to every facet of their life....they tend to find happiness in what they do. And what they do generally tends to be servicing the needs of others, who then return the favor to you.

Seriously. It isn't hard. It just requires some effort to build the right habits, and enough common sense to get the hell away from toxic people before they spread their poison to you.