Never! - And, Yet, Still. (CTPWC)

Why I am posting this, I honestly cannot say. It is way too personal and probably exposes much more of "me" than I would normally be comfortable letting others see.

I guess the desire for catharsis overpowers convention...

Whatever the case, ATS... Some of my most primal, personal, and base emotions put, poorly and inadequately into words. I wrote this in what one might call "stream of consciousness". I just focused upon my feelings, cleared my mind, and let my fingers and sub conscious do the work. I have not read it myself, as odd as that sounds, and I doubt that I ever will.

~Heff

Never! - And, Yet, Still

These thoughts and feelings
were ours and ours alone
Our magic
Our love
My most prized possession
Now shattered
broken
Forsaken
Poison in my soul
Scar tissue
stealing the light from my eyes

For my survival
I release all this
into the world of men
into the ether
Exhaling the past out
So that my lungs might breathe again
Now a hole will be
where you once where
where your ghost has been since
It hurts
It hurts so much
This mourning
Why is it our nature to hold on so tightly

Before you I was lost
With you I was still lost
but not alone
Since it has been both
Lost, alone and now haunted

Who were you to do these things
callously speaking lovers lies
Selfishly using my soul
to fill your own empty places
Chewed up
spat out
All simply because I was there
and I cared
and was too much the fool to see

I still see you in my dreams
Always as you were
as we were
I wake disgusted and angry
At you
at myself
At the bad joke it all turned out to be

Did you ever really care
My heart wants to believe
Damn heart that betrayed me
by siding with you
You're both liars
You and my heart
Co conspirators
Traitors

I know you
even though I don't
I know you well enough
to know you'd say I needed this lesson
that you did me a favor
by destroying my inner child
Men must be men
Life is hard
Suck it up and move on
I can hear these words
even now
even in my own mind
sounding suspiciously like your voice

Bad news sunshine
You did not kill the innocence
You did not murder the child within
Wasted effort
Wasted time
He lives

And here's a shot to your gut baby
He forgives you
and he still loves you
in spite of it all
Chew on that.
I know I do
every single day

Maybe, one day...

Wow for some strange reason i feel attached & emotional drawn to this poetic story

reply to post by Hefficide


'I still see you in my dreams
Always as you were
as we were
I wake disgusted and angry
At you
at myself
At the bad joke it all turned out to be '



That hit home

S & F

Originally posted by Hefficide

Before you I was lost
With you I was still lost
but not alone

I know you
even though I don't
I know you well enough
to know you'd say I needed this lesson

I decided to go through some of the least flagged entries for this contest and I found yours. I can't figure why it is. It is well composed, honest and accessible. It certainly gets at the theme for the contest. The bits I picked out stood out to me - the nature of our human condition. We are all alone, really, in this life. We have the gift of each other that can be wonderful and miserable at the same time. One can be known, two can become one. But never fully, not in this life. Such is the human condition. Desire and suffering, the longing for The Other.

reply to post by TheOtter


It is probably least flagged because you just posted it. I should pay more attention. Doh!

Some powerful stuff, Heff. I am awed by the strength it conveyed.

SnF!

reply to post by Hefficide


Oh Boy.



BTW?
You are NOT the only one...............








S&F for leaving it out there, and that "taste", too familiar.

Nice submission, Heff. I really enjoyed it. Read it twice. Echoes of things in my life and youth as well. Nicely written, my friend. S+F.

I broke my own promise to myself and reread this. I'm left with mixed emotions about the whole thing really. As a staffer it is kind of obligatory for me to keep up with what is what on ATS - and I'd fallen woefully behind on keeping track of the creative writing forum. Last night I decided, rather on a whim, to seek to rectify that inequity. When I checked the forum this contest was, obviously, the entirety of the first page on it.

Curious, I checked the announcement thread to see what (CTPWC) stood for. Upon reading the summary of the contest something clicked inside of me and I found myself thinking "Here's a chance for you to pull down your inner firewalls, let your subconscious free for a minute, and see where you are at after five years and two months of living without her...."

So, I opened up Wordpad, relaxed, and wrote the above in about three or four minutes - posting the results here.

I have to say, it's comforting to know that others understood and could relate. Pain is a dark thing and one of those parts of ourselves that we tend to fear expressing and exposing. So, thank you all for spending a moment in my dark places and being kind enough to not judge. It truly means a lot to me and has made me feel a little less self conscious about it all.

~Heff

Heff
wonderful submission thank you for shareing it was so good i read it twice..peace,sugarcookie1 S&F

I feel ya bud...

S&F for ya...not that ya need them

reply to post by Hefficide


Heff,

You write a lot like me, stream of consciousness......I call my style purging.....(not as in vomit!) more as in getting the demons out....expelling the pain, sometimes it hurts so bad, I want to jump out of my skin....I HAVE to get rid of it.

But somehow afterwards, I feel this euphoric sense of calm, a peace. It never matters what I wrote on the page, the punctuation, the wording, if it even makes sense....it only matters that in that moment there was a small sliver of release where my mind was quiet and my heart was numb.

Thanks for sharing, your courage to post something that raw is just as powerful as your words are. You have inspired me to give this contest a whirl....now we will see if I have the guts to actually post anything!