I honestly don't know where I'm going anymore in life and where it's taking me.
No matter what, I am becoming more disenchanted with my hobbies and future plans either by external or internal forces, which causes me to sink more
and more into a paranoid anxious wreck.
I won't lie to you, I am pretty darn creative at times: I draw, I write, I create films and music, and play the odd video game. But lately I've been
getting scared over my endeavors, like a panic that I'll mess up or people will constantly criticise my work, so much that I decide to give up and
deal with all the building ideas in my head- dismissing them as stupid.
Going off on that tangent, if I do decide to buck up and put my camera and editing skills to work, I face the most daunting task: Hollywood (and I
guess the entertainment industry in general). Now I'm no Scarlett Johannsen...maybe a Judy Garland or a Bette Davis on a good day (and I'm just
being nice to myself). Granted, I'm being realistic and staying behind the camera, but it still is going to be hard for me because I'll have all
these people around me (famous and not-famous), and I'll feel like they are going to be constantly judging me. I already have this problem already in
my small town- everytime I step out the door, there's this fear that someone will pick up on me and think I have an ulterior motive.
Also, looking like a teenage Jeffrey Dahmer doesn't help either as evidenced here:
My parents have little or no faith in me and my dreams, trying to push me toward a career in the medical/social care field, which frankly I detest,
along with being constantly bombarded with ads and schools dedicated to either that or business that happen to be in my budget range. But I don't
want to spend my next 50 or so years looking after old people or being some Wall Street scum/corporate pencil pusher, I want to do what I want yet I
don't have the resources or connections to advance. It's just...I can't stand it. Living in such a materialistic society full of pathetic, shallow,
vain, slack-jawed idiots who only believe in three simple words: Conform, Consume. Obey.
Which brings me to my next point....
Having accepted the fact that I am forever doomed to be Jeffrey Dahmer's female doppleganger (plastic surgery be darned!) and knowing that my anxiety
disorder is shriveling me up into a recluse of sorts, I am starting to play around with the idea left over from the Middle Ages: join a convent and
become a nun. I have heard the voice of God speak to me numerous times (and I am talking of the Hindu god Shiva, so Christians you know where the door
is) and I have wondered if my life will truly mean something if I devoted my life to him. I know I would be giving up a lot of things, but honestly,
my genes aren't fit to stay amongst the populace so there will be less deranged maniacs for society to worry about. Surely a life of religion has
worked out for some people, and sannyasinis are held in a bit high regard...I can tough out the begging and sleeping on the streets to appease a
supposed higher power that I met when I was a fairly young child.
But I did have a reason once, a reason to ride the rainbow unicorn of success. His name in this life is Dhani...his name before, I do not remember. He
was everything I wanted and needed. We never really met in terms of reality, but as long as I remember, I had seen his face haunt my memory...dark
eyes that made me think of night, the highlight a distant star, raven hair he would always tie back in a ponytail, that little smile he'd always
I hate getting all sentimental, but he was the Dulcinea/Aldonza to my Don Quixote. I should have never let him go.
Anyways, I'm all ranted out. Feel free to post your concerns and slights towards me.