More of a vent than a rant...

I honestly don't know where I'm going anymore in life and where it's taking me.

No matter what, I am becoming more disenchanted with my hobbies and future plans either by external or internal forces, which causes me to sink more and more into a paranoid anxious wreck.

I won't lie to you, I am pretty darn creative at times: I draw, I write, I create films and music, and play the odd video game. But lately I've been getting scared over my endeavors, like a panic that I'll mess up or people will constantly criticise my work, so much that I decide to give up and deal with all the building ideas in my head- dismissing them as stupid.

Going off on that tangent, if I do decide to buck up and put my camera and editing skills to work, I face the most daunting task: Hollywood (and I guess the entertainment industry in general). Now I'm no Scarlett Johannsen...maybe a Judy Garland or a Bette Davis on a good day (and I'm just being nice to myself). Granted, I'm being realistic and staying behind the camera, but it still is going to be hard for me because I'll have all these people around me (famous and not-famous), and I'll feel like they are going to be constantly judging me. I already have this problem already in my small town- everytime I step out the door, there's this fear that someone will pick up on me and think I have an ulterior motive.

Also, looking like a teenage Jeffrey Dahmer doesn't help either as evidenced here:


My parents have little or no faith in me and my dreams, trying to push me toward a career in the medical/social care field, which frankly I detest, along with being constantly bombarded with ads and schools dedicated to either that or business that happen to be in my budget range. But I don't want to spend my next 50 or so years looking after old people or being some Wall Street scum/corporate pencil pusher, I want to do what I want yet I don't have the resources or connections to advance. It's just...I can't stand it. Living in such a materialistic society full of pathetic, shallow, vain, slack-jawed idiots who only believe in three simple words: Conform, Consume. Obey.

Which brings me to my next point....

Having accepted the fact that I am forever doomed to be Jeffrey Dahmer's female doppleganger (plastic surgery be darned!) and knowing that my anxiety disorder is shriveling me up into a recluse of sorts, I am starting to play around with the idea left over from the Middle Ages: join a convent and become a nun. I have heard the voice of God speak to me numerous times (and I am talking of the Hindu god Shiva, so Christians you know where the door is) and I have wondered if my life will truly mean something if I devoted my life to him. I know I would be giving up a lot of things, but honestly, my genes aren't fit to stay amongst the populace so there will be less deranged maniacs for society to worry about. Surely a life of religion has worked out for some people, and sannyasinis are held in a bit high regard...I can tough out the begging and sleeping on the streets to appease a supposed higher power that I met when I was a fairly young child.

-sigh-

But I did have a reason once, a reason to ride the rainbow unicorn of success. His name in this life is Dhani...his name before, I do not remember. He was everything I wanted and needed. We never really met in terms of reality, but as long as I remember, I had seen his face haunt my memory...dark eyes that made me think of night, the highlight a distant star, raven hair he would always tie back in a ponytail, that little smile he'd always have.

I hate getting all sentimental, but he was the Dulcinea/Aldonza to my Don Quixote. I should have never let him go.

Anyways, I'm all ranted out. Feel free to post your concerns and slights towards me.

reply to post by TheToastmanCometh


I'm never much use for giving good lengthy advice, so I'll keep it short and sweet. The best thing for you to do is what YOU want to do. Everyone else and everyone else's opinions be darned. You will never be more happy than doing what you want and what (obviously) makes you happy. Believe in yourself. I believe in you.

Oh there are so many points to touch on! I will just give my ideas/opinions/experiences on a few.

Your parents and their lack of support and faith in you. My parents were and still are like that. I never had their support in anything I did in high school. I am now 28 and own a business and they STILL aren't proud of me. I won't get into too many details because I don't want to distract from your post. But I could be a freaking brain surgeon and it still wouldn't be good enough. So you know what... figure out what is "good enough" for you and shoot for that. Set small goals for yourself. As you accomplish those goals, your confidence will rise. Make a short film. Reward yourself when you are done. Maybe put together a blog and start interviewing (with photographs since you enjoy that) small businesses in your town. It's beneficial to the both of you and you will get experience. And the confidence.

While we do live in a society that focuses on looks... google Megan Fox's yearbook pictures. Every teenager is insanely awkward. I weighed 90 pounds and had an afro because I didn't know how to style my curly hair. In my opinion, your teens and early twenties are the most painful years of your life. I don't think many people have a good grasp on who they are until they are 25. Anyway, while I know it's a huge concern to you, your looks are the least important thing. It's all how you present yourself. If you demand respect, you will receive it.

Visualizing your goals and almost meditating on them, really makes a difference. But start small and work your way up so you don't overwhelm yourself. Everything will start to fall into place the way it is suppose to.

Good luck and hugs!

reply to post by TheToastmanCometh


#1 - Never take the attitude of a small town to heart. Their view of you is really inconsequential to the grand scheme of things. Most people in most places that you would be working, don't give a damn what you look like.

#2 - Most people in film aren't what you would consider ' Hollywood ' looking.

#3 - All you need is a good film school, or a good short film. Apply to schools & get your films into local events as well as film festivals. They accept Digital now and there are hundreds of festivals all over.

#4 - Most people I know in film, who claim to be afraid of others talk about their work, are really deep down, more afraid of success than failure.

#5 - Technically, Mr Dalmer was a good looking kid.

~Tenth

reply to post by tothetenthpower


Gosh...thanks for the kind words of wisdom, Tenth.

If I ever met you, I'll send a hug towards your way.

Youre a lot cuter than jeffrey dahmer...

reply to post by phroziac




Thanks...

People like you restore my faith in humanity in a bit.

I've been put down for so long, even by my own family, that I can't really take compliments like these.

reply to post by phroziac




Thanks...

People like you restore my faith in humanity in a bit.

I've been put down for so long, even by my own family, that I can't really take compliments like these.

Do what you want but do it out of love for what you're doing, not ego. The things of the ego do not bring fulfillment. Read Ecclesiates in your Bible. Do it cause you love doing it. And don't worry about how your life will go or what your achievements will be because most of it is not under your control. And if you become one of those driven types who control everything and 'succeed' in accomplishing everything you set out to do, it will make you feel so empty you'll end up either killing yourself or wishing you could. Just my opinion.

reply to post by Hillarie


thank you but i don't have a bible...I have a Bhagavad Gita.