Lol wow did I mess up! But I'm fixing me.

I guess I became too needy. And that is just NOT good. Yet sometimes one doesn't realize they're doing that until it's almost too late. A long story in a few sentences: I have been tight tight friends with a guy and we talked on the phone all the time day in and day out for like almost 7 months. Just an online friendship, nothing crazy, though we did flirt a lot and planned to meet and such in time. We bonded though and had TONS of fun, laughs, good times, etc.

And then things kind of ... changed. Less texts, less calls, yet there'd be many times where the 'old usual stuff' would happen. I thought things were just fine up to like four hours ago.

We had a falling out today cuz I was asking him to call me. Thing is, he'd tell me that he was going to call me once he'd get online etc. So like anyone would do, I'd chat him up and see if he was ready for a call. I guess he's the kind who holds in his emotions and lets it grow til it explodes. That happened today. Told me he needed space and that he still valued me and not to feel hurt; but he just needed space.

I understood and told him so and I made my decision to not call, text or anything; that he can do so when he is ready. I respect him so much that that is NOT an issue.

The issue is that looking back, maybe.. no, not 'maybe'. I was needy. I'd feel bad if he didn't call back or text back, etc. So yes, I take blame for it all. Though I had the mindset that 'we did this all the time, so it's nothing new." = the talking on the phone for hours a day and so on. So his blow up today did catch me off guard but also got me to take pause and look into myself.

Everything is a learning experience, you know? But right now, I'm working on 're-finding' myself because, on reading past messages we shared, I saw that I used to be all fun and confident and so on. Over time, I changed some. So did he really. I don't want to get too into detail, but I realized I need to find that confidence again and, though I'm embarrassed, I did start to put him first in everything.

You know that saying, "Don't put anyone or anything as the most important thing in your life cuz if you lose it, you'll have nothing"? Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah. That's kind of me right now and it's really making me reevaluate myself in every possible facet.

I think we all goof up. We all make mistakes. I do feel this 'space' he wants is also a godsend to me as I can now do what I'm doing and get back into my old interests and god willing, gain that confidence back again.

The reason I post this is to mainly ask: what are some good ways you, gentle readers, 'find' yourselves, reconnect with your ....zen, 'ness, self... whatever you want to call it? Right now I'm listening to some music by Loreena McKennitt. Back in 08, her music as well as Enya was a staple of my life. I was a different person then: confident, fun, spiritual - if you will -, happy, carefree. I seemed to have lost that and I'm working on getting it back because that is the me that I miss.

I'd love and cherish any and all ideas on how I can accomplish this. I know music on its own can do lots but not a whole bunch.

I appreciate any and all input. I'm grateful to my friend because this woke me up and wow. Anything which helps a person see who they were and what they've become and actively find ways to fix it and improve themselves is gold. Even if we do not reconnect, I'll owe him a most gracious and loving 'thank you' for this gift. He may need the space, but I also need it as well.

I have a hope that if we do come back together, things will be a lot smoother and fun. Even if we don't, perhaps it happened so that I could heal myself fully. I did lose myself for a while there.


..................... I so have this feel that at least one person is going to read the first two paragraphs and get on me for being needy. xD Nope, it's about that but not about that.

Most guys hate to talk on the phone for hours, seriously. I'm sure it smothered the both of you, 7 months and no physical contact? Might as well been an AI program. Don't feel too down, I'm sure you'll get a long just fine. Work on yourself like you said, become content with yourself, regain your confidence and others will flock to you. I read your entire post

I'd say just keep yourself open to the prospect of meeting guys living around you, never know who you'll meet, sometimes you need but start up a conversation with a stranger and then they are a stranger no more.

About the whole phone thing I'm sure after 7 months, it began to feel like a chore(for the both of you), and in all honesty you've no idea what he does in his 'other' time. You'll be okay.

Go see some live music imo, always makes me feel good.

reply to post by sarra1833

Originally posted by sarra1833
....what are some good ways you, gentle readers, 'find' yourselves, reconnect with your ....zen, 'ness, self...

I think you just did by posting your thoughts and reflecting upon the subject.

That and sometimes it's worth reminding yourself that most things pass and aren't as significant as one might initially think.

A willful state of mind is a powerful thing.

Originally posted by Komonazmuk
Most guys hate to talk on the phone for hours, seriously. I'm sure it smothered the both of you, 7 months and no physical contact? Might as well been an AI program. Don't feel too down, I'm sure you'll get a long just fine. Work on yourself like you said, become content with yourself, regain your confidence and others will flock to you. I read your entire post

I'd say just keep yourself open to the prospect of meeting guys living around you, never know who you'll meet, sometimes you need but start up a conversation with a stranger and then they are a stranger no more.

About the whole phone thing I'm sure after 7 months, it began to feel like a chore(for the both of you), and in all honesty you've no idea what he does in his 'other' time. You'll be okay.

Go see some live music imo, always makes me feel good.

edit on 27-10-2012 by Komonazmuk because: f key /= k key

Aw thanks I'm thinking maybe it was wearing me down too to a point as I'm not that upset as I thought I'd be. Though I AM acting proactively instead of wallowing in sadness and self hate xD I seriously would have done that if this happened even a few days ago. I know that sounds horrific. I have a feeling I'd still be in the same clingy mode if this hadn't happened today. I'm just grateful for the opportunity to fix me. I am who fully matters in the end after all. Much as I adore him and he adores me, this could be a win/win thing. So if we talk once a week, I'll be grateful.

And yeah, we'd never run out of things to talk about, believe it or not. Now and then we'd get that comfy silence that all people get after a while, but yeah.

Either way, I feel confident. There's no way this can go but positive no matter the outcome. I'd hate losing a good friend but life happens. I'll love it if we resume, I'll love the time we had if we do not.

And live music sounds great actually. I should see if some concerts will be going on somewhere.

Originally posted by loam
reply to post by sarra1833

 

Originally posted by sarra1833
....what are some good ways you, gentle readers, 'find' yourselves, reconnect with your ....zen, 'ness, self...

I think you just did by posting your thoughts and reflecting upon the subject.

That and sometimes it's worth reminding yourself that most things pass and aren't as significant as one might initially think.

A willful state of mind is a powerful thing.

That makes so much sense. As I replied to the first poster, I'm taking this very well given that if it happened even a day or so ago, I would have been a basket case. Things happen for many reasons. And yes, your middle sentence there is SO true: things which seem totally important and a be all/end all, usually end up a fond memory over time and you look back going, 'well it was great but what the heck was I thinking/doing' etc.

I value his friendship fully though. That will never change.

I find your post and inner reflection on the matter to be wise, mature, and awesome.

I'm impressed with you frankly. Not enough people give such a thorough self-evaluation, especially if it may not be entirely positive.

I also salute your quest to reclaim the confidant self you know you truly are.

I would attempt to give you some sort of advice, but I can tell your high level of intelligence means you probably have already considered anything I might come up with. I think you will be fine as long as you trust yourself and do what you know should be done.

Sorry you had a big blow up with him today, you must be hurting a lot. Your awesome, and if he knows whats good for him, he won't want space from you for long.

Very wise post. Kudos for having such personal insight. That's a rare trait, IMO.

Let me ask you, how do you feel now that you've written it done?

Writing is my therapy. When something angers or upsets me, I write about it (just check the rant section, haha). There's something healing about putting your thoughts into words. It's like draining an abscess, it releases the infection and let's you heal.

Good luck, my friend. U2U me if you want to just chat.

Hugs, smylee

reply to post by sarra1833

You know that saying, "Don't put anyone or anything as the most important thing in your life cuz if you lose it, you'll have nothing"?

You have a serious problem, Sarra. LOL Don't worry, we ALL have the exact same problem! This is why I wish schools would start having classes on just what a human is capable of, and INcapable of.

We waste our lives looking for that perfect and permanent something (friend, lover, job...). Problem is, we aren't designed for such perfection and permanence. We can't remain in a steady state of happiness because the very things that make us happy become repetitive and monotonous after a while.

Even if you didn't become (as you say) needy, how many weeks, months, or years can you or anyone else keep conversations interesting and exciting with the same person? After we've picked every idea from one person's mind, it's not time to try and get closer, but time to move on.

It is in our nature to get bored with everything when the New becomes old.

It sounds like you had a great time with your friend. I hope you can remember it as a great time, and not something that either of you failed at. You DIDN'T fail. Actually it sounds like you more than succeeded in forming a bond for as long as that bond could possibly have lasted. This is not a bad thing.

reply to post by jiggerj


Though I reply to the post above mine, I include the other two who posted after my previous.

Thank you everyone. I find myself wishing I could get that old me back instantly but I also take the time to respect and appreciate that it took me time back then to become that person as well. It will take time this time as well.

Time is so valuable, isn't it? For healing, learning, growing, realizing, changing, bettering.

And Jiggerj, so spot on with all you wrote. Though I've had a best girlfriend of 34 years and nothing is stale with us - but then again, everyone out there is not 'us', if you get what I'm saying. However, we don't talk every day. And even if we go months without talking, when we do, we pick up like time never passed. That is gold.

I find myself missing him a bit today but I am proactively working on taking my 'me' time. Like any 'habit', this is good for me to back away from as well for a time - but 'habits' also are not easy to break. I'm just going to keep on keeping on and what ever will come of it will be the appropriate thing TO come of it.

I think the posters name was Sunni? Writing does help me, especially when I get input such as on here. I could do a journal on line or in my own home but I really appreciate feedback, empathy, sometimes the 'hard cold facts if I like them or not', and so on. Makes me feel like my words and thoughts matter. When you get no feedback, such as in a personal journal, it seems rather pointless to me.

Definitely forgot the first posters name after my last post but thank you SO much. It's not easy or fun to look at who you are, especially when you've taken a more negative approach or what ever the case could be. But it's the only way to heal and fix and finally step out with that confidence and self love and so on.


To all:
I AM still open to ideas. What works for some could work for me. All I can come up with is trying meditation, binaural beats, talking here, new age music...... If i can find the right chakra cleaner on youtube, I'd definitely start with that. I'm pretty muddled inside, I can tell. xD

Is this the same guy that you made a thread about back in August? The one that did not like you interrupting his video games?

reply to post by bourbon2nite


Haha yeah, same one. Though he got way better as that was many moons back. He was losing a lot of pals from it and such and realized that chilling out and relaxing is the name of the game.

That's really all there is to life: relaxing and chilling out. If anything causes pain or torment or angst or anguish, best to not allow it to, you know?

reply to post by sarra1833


I will also applaud your insight. And you are correct..sometimes we don't realize how needy we are till it's too late.
Only advice I can give you, is identify what you felt needy about and what was missing in your life that this person seemed to fill in for you.The best of us truly comes from within and nobody else, no matter how they flatter you with kind words, can change that. I think this may be a blessing in disguise that you don't recognize right away. Perhaps this person was holding you back from where you really should be.
The road to finding yourself never ends, but at least make it a pleasant journey.

Originally posted by AccessDenied
reply to post by sarra1833

 

I will also applaud your insight. And you are correct..sometimes we don't realize how needy we are till it's too late.

The word 'needy' sounds so negative to me. Aren't we all needy?

I know I'm going to feel very needy if this upcoming storm knocks out my electricity for a week. I NEED emails from my daughter. I NEED my online news. I NEED my ATS!!!!!

Be right back, I have to go cry now.

Originally posted by jiggerj

Originally posted by AccessDenied
reply to post by sarra1833

 

I will also applaud your insight. And you are correct..sometimes we don't realize how needy we are till it's too late.

The word 'needy' sounds so negative to me. Aren't we all needy?

I know I'm going to feel very needy if this upcoming storm knocks out my electricity for a week. I NEED emails from my daughter. I NEED my online news. I NEED my ATS!!!!!

Be right back, I have to go cry now.

"Needy'' in this case refers to "One needs their friend/sig other to call them/text them/hang out with them in a time determined by them because they feel like their worth depends on that persons 'affirmations' that everything is still fine." That is the best way I can describe it. A needy person takes 'lack of text/calls/call back/hanging out' as something personal because their mind gets them believing that if the person doesn't do any of the above in a time frame acceptable to them, it means they are not interested or have found someone better. Etc.


I suppose a more 'universal' word would be 'nagging' 'bugging' 'hounding' 'you're not giving me enough space' etc.