I posted not long ago about how I had been recently put on an antidepressant
thought I'd start a new thread, however, focusing more on the way this chemical has impacted my thinking about "doom," conspiracy, politics, and
the world at large. I think this is an important topic and since I am noticing a big and rapid difference in my thinking about these matters since
going on this medicine, I hope it will be of wider interest. I also plan to update this thread in the future as my treatment unfolds, to see if there
are further changes in my mindset regarding these topics and to provide a real-time record.
The drug I have been put on is called Noritryptyline
, a second-generation tricyclic
antidepressant (TCA) prescribed for major depression.
The drug works by inhibiting the reuptake of norepinephrine (noradrenaline) and serotonin in neural synapses.
I was diagnosed with major depression earlier in my life when I was teenager, and received treatment with a stronger class of drugs, as well as
spending some time as an in-patient in a mental hospital. Now I am my mid-20s and I have seen a recurrence of some of the symptoms, although not as
severe as last time. Symptoms this time include: excessive sleeping (up to 12 hours a day), suicidal thoughts, deep sadness, lack of energy during the
day, difficulty concentrating on anything, pessimism, fear of the future, crying jags, and short temper. After some consultation with a psychiatrist,
I decided to go on this drug maybe about a month ago. As it takes some time to kick in, I would say I am just now beginning to feel the full
Effects that I feel at the moment include persistent dryness of mouth, vivid dreams, feeling more focused during waking hours and sleepier at night,
and what I call “emotional smoothing.” The downs seem less down and the ups seem less up. There is no “buzz” or chemical-y feeling, but I have
noticed I am already not getting as worked up and trapped in mental downward spirals or deep pessimism. While the content
of my thoughts has
not changed and is still somewhat negative, the emotional coloration
is far less intense. It’s like shifting from a rich, deeply hued oil
painting to at thinner, washed-out watercolor of the same landscape. The subject-matter is the same, but the feeling is different.
Conspiracy, “Doom,” and Worldview
The major focus of this thread is the way this drug impacts my worldview and feelings about conspiracy theories, impending doom, and the way the world
works. Now, I generally consider myself, like most of you here, “awake” to the big problems and issues that the so-called “sheeple” ignore. I
have a deeply pessimistic worldview, and tend to pour obsessively over bad news, gloomy predictions about the future, articles about the bad economy,
the decay of society, evil politicians, etc. I’m quite aware that there is “something deeper” going on than the mainstream view of reality,
vis-à-vis politics, economics, and society.
So has a month on antidepressants changed this? I would say yes, in a subtle but very important way. I still believe all the things I noted
above…its just that it suddenly seems less important to me.
It’s harder for me to feel deep feelings of woe and fear, as well the need for
. It seems like I can note these facts without feeling as much personal dread or involvement. There is less personal
in these issues. I guess I feel more detached. I can still worry, but there is less emotive coloration to it all. It’s almost like
I’m looking at the world from inside a protective bubble of some kind.
My perception of the future
has changed subtly as well. The problems, fears, and sense of impending doom seem more like possibilities
than near certainties
, as before. Suddenly the future seems less defined, more open-edged, a wider and more comfortable place. I can imagine
good things or neutral things taking place, instead of only bad things. In this sense, I think the antidepressant has helped me, because I think this
worldview is wider
and closer to the actual truth of the way the future is. An obsessive focus on doom is a very narrow view of the future that
does not allow for the complexity and unpredictability of life.
[Size=4]Awake or Asleep?
I am not a “zombie” and I am still capable of all the complexity of thought that I was capable of before. In some ways, by removing me from a
“rut” in which I was excessively focused on doom, I feel this drug has the potential to truly “wake me up” by giving me a more balanced view
of things. On the other hand, my old pessimism and instinctive fear of becoming a “sheeple” is still there, and I wonder if I’m just falling
more asleep than ever. By trying to be as honest as possible with myself and with you, I hope to resolve this issue to some extent.
Its an important issue to come to terms with, because I’m certainly not the only one on this drug or others like it.
All comments, etc. are welcome.