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Need feedback on writing style

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posted on Oct, 21 2012 @ 04:57 PM
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reply to post by AnarchysAngel
 





A distant moon may hold humanities last hope or perhaps its final hour. Caldara orbits a gas giant situated in a blue super giant system, near the edge of our region of space. Massive craters and gaping chasms litter the land, evidence of past cataclysm. Volcanoes are violent and active, though the molten core keeps the night side from freezing. Caldara’s scorched light side confronts the blue giant star, while the eerie dark side enjoys the dim glow of the luminescent gas giant. This affords the moon two light sources, and two distinct climates. Caldara’s unique orbit and rotation results in perpetual climates that make it a stable site for human colonization.


Better, yes, but not as interesting. Is Caldara the planet or the moon?
Readers want the mystery to be fleshed out in the story.

Nice work though.




posted on Oct, 21 2012 @ 04:59 PM
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reply to post by Druid42
 


Caldara is the moon. Thanks for the advice. I'll work on it some more and see what I come up with. I may have added too much description for the genre.



posted on Oct, 21 2012 @ 05:05 PM
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My personal first rule for writing style is to listen to what you're writing.Run it over in your mind and hear what it sounds like'


On the dark side of a distant moon, lies a new direction for the future of humanity.

Personally, I would reverse the order, and put "on the dark side" etc at the end.
Also it's close to being a mixed metaphor, combining being a "direction" with being a specific location. Perhaps, rather, there is something there which represents a new direction.


Orbiting a class six gas giant in a class zero blue super giant solar system, Caldara is desolate and inhospitable.

Again, I would reverse the order, putting the "Caldera is" phrase first.


The class X moon has few characteristics that are beneficial to carbon based life forms.

A little dry, more science than literature.

The iron core of Caldara provides geothermal heat transfer,

Does this mean that it's already being used for that purpose? (Otherwise, it's not providing, just a potential provider). Then perhaps this can be expanded into a brief reference to how it's being used.

though this asset does not come without a price.

A new sentence here, perhaps? "This is a great asset, though it doesn't come without a price".

As I said before, I think the key is to listen to it as you're writing it, so that you can hear the way it flows and detect any clumsiness that impedes the reading.



edit on 21-10-2012 by DISRAELI because: (no reason given)



posted on Oct, 21 2012 @ 05:10 PM
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reply to post by AnarchysAngel
 


Not too much information. Not enough, crammed into one paragraph. That's what you are dealing with.

Try this on your next re-write. Make that one paragraph two. Use one to talk about the star system, and the next to describe Caldara. Give yourself more room, not less.



posted on Oct, 21 2012 @ 05:37 PM
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Originally posted by AnarchysAngel
Here is the heavily revised paragraph.

A distant moon may hold humanities last hope or perhaps its final hour. Caldara orbits a gas giant situated in a blue super giant system, near the edge of our region of space. Massive craters and gaping chasms litter the land, evidence of past cataclysm. Volcanoes are violent and active, though the molten core keeps the night side from freezing. Caldara’s scorched light side confronts the blue giant star, while the eerie dark side enjoys the dim glow of the luminescent gas giant. This affords the moon two light sources, and two distinct climates. Caldara’s unique orbit and rotation results in perpetual climates that make it a stable site for human colonization.


This is off your REVISION, not the original.

"humanities" -> humanity's "humanity" is singular, not plural, and you want to show possession

I would not put a comma between "giant system" and "near the" This is not a separate clause.

You generally use too many commas. Your writing is fine, but you need to review punctuation rules in a standard handbook like Harbrace or Turabian's Manual of Style. You might benefit from learning to use dashes and especially semi-colons. All around good effort. You also tend to use a lot of descriptive adjectives which CAN make writing too flowery. In this case "less is more."
edit on 10/21/2012 by schuyler because: (no reason given)



posted on Oct, 22 2012 @ 06:58 AM
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reply to post by schuyler
 


Thanks Skyler. I was thinking the same thing. I'm going to keep re-writing the opening paragraphs until I'm comfortable writing. Practicing now will save time later.



posted on Oct, 22 2012 @ 07:14 AM
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reply to post by AnarchysAngel
 


yes very good...everyone has different styles i probably would of done it like>>>

On the dark side of a distant moon, lies a new direction for the future of humanity. Orbiting a class six gas giant in a class zero blue super giant solar system is a class X moon Caldara. The class X moon has few characteristics that are beneficial to carbon based life forms and one of which is the iron core of Caldara. This a valuable asset mined from the moons hollows and recesses. This however does not come without a price with the moon’s surface festering active volcanoes and the showing evidence of a past cataclysm.

The scorching light side faces the blue giant star while the eerie dark side faces the gas giant, dividing the moon into two distinct climates. The unique orbit of the planet and the moon, maintains the constant climates that make it a stable but dangerous cradle for human colonization.



posted on Oct, 22 2012 @ 07:40 AM
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reply to post by Druid42
 


The next few paragraphs go into greater detail about everything. I guess I should remove a few things and stick to the general overview? A general overview is the purpose of the paragraph.



posted on Oct, 22 2012 @ 11:25 AM
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reply to post by schuyler
 





All around good effort. You also tend to use a lot of descriptive adjectives which CAN make writing too flowery. In this case "less is more."


Here is where it is tricky for a writer as many feel as you do and many disagree and prefer the flowery more descriptive type of writing.

I can usually tell within a few paragraphs if a writer is going to catch and keep my attention.

I say keep the descriptive style.




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