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Instant Gratification from Pain- My husband is an addict

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posted on Oct, 18 2012 @ 07:18 PM
I also have severe migraines and take a preventative called nortriptyline..I also take imitrex pill and injection with percocet...I know the pain. A new treatment just approved is the use of facial botox injections which prevents the muscles in the neck and head form contracting leading to migraine. Something to explore...

posted on Oct, 18 2012 @ 07:30 PM
reply to post by kinglizard

thank you for the information I will tell him about that!

posted on Oct, 18 2012 @ 07:39 PM
My neurologist spoke of it during my last visit. I believe there can be very positive results. It only needs to be repeated every 3 months if memory serves.

posted on Oct, 18 2012 @ 10:48 PM
I understand the drug issue that really sucks my dad was addicted to pain killers for a long time. But you are on you end because hes LAZY the man had a bomb blow up not feet away from him fighting for what he probably thought was his familys freedom and thats one of your issues. Obviously hes not lazy if hes going to work to support such an ungrateful person thats sad do you work?

posted on Oct, 18 2012 @ 10:59 PM

Originally posted by darknull
I understand the drug issue that really sucks my dad was addicted to pain killers for a long time. But you are on you end because hes LAZY the man had a bomb blow up not feet away from him fighting for what he probably thought was his familys freedom and thats one of your issues. Obviously hes not lazy if hes going to work to support such an ungrateful person thats sad do you work?

If you had bothered to read her OP, you would have read this part...

* I am working my # off working a job and trying to take care of our child and everything in the home that needs done and I seriously cannot keep it up. My house looks like a bomb went off.*

Since you didn't, you probably also missed the part where she explained she has also put him through rehab, but he's back to his old ways. I think you missed the whole OP, and jumped out with a crass, and mean spirited judgement, without using your eyes and brain...jmoho...


posted on Oct, 18 2012 @ 11:37 PM
Over the past 24 hours I have opened and started to reply to this OP at least half a dozen times, only to chicken out when it came time to push "reply".

The way you describe your husband hits very close to home to me because in 2007 a very similar thing happened to me. I did not have any issues with pills or drugs. But all the rest of it is very familiar. I had a nervous breakdown and nobody noticed. They did notice the symptoms, and Lord there were wars, fights, screaming matches, and much hostility over those. But nobody stepped back to wonder why the consistent "provider"... the Father figure of an entire social circle suddenly seized up and changed. They just assumed I had gone lazy, or gotten too full of myself, or was being spiteful or something.

Not a single person recognized the warning signs. Oh, and they all knew that I had PTSD and prior depression issues, including a serious suicide attempt in the 1990's. I had no clue I'd had a breakdown. I just felt sick. The people in my world were so fixated upon money that all else got ignored. I had been the money tree in my world. I supported my ex, outright - paying all of the bills - even though she made enough money to be considered middle class all by herself. Her money was her "fun money". My money was the bill money, the "help our friends out" fund, and the bar tab fund. I didn't mind it. Then again, I was a total idiot up until my breakdown.

I'm digressing....

When I was sick, I was lazy, unproductive, seeking any and all distractions I could find. I was hostile, infantile, shocked when people did not give me my way, and demanding. The caveat? I honestly did not understand that I was behaving so poorly. In my mind I felt like "I supported all of you for the past six years, now you need to take care of me for a few months while I figure out what's going on".

Now that I am much closer to well than I was back then... I can see why everyone abandoned me like a leper. I can see why I found myself alone within a few months of getting sick. But I could not see it then. I felt like I was in the right and that was that. Such is the nature of mental illness.

I think your husband may be in a situation not unlike the one I was in five years ago. He's a drowning man, on the inside, and he's frantically flailing ( emotionally and mentally ) for someone to help him to the waters edge. He may feel like he is owed this.. he may feel resentful that, in his mind, nobody is easing his suffering. He may literally be blind to what he's doing to other people.

He did what was expected of him. He gave freely and unselfishly. Now he's lost and doesn't understand. His mind is centered on the notion that he did what was asked of him. Now he's asking.

Only he doesn't know what he needs to ask for, nor how to ask for it. So he's shutting down. I bet he says things like "Leave me alone, just let me have some friggin space for a minute!!!" only to call as soon as you walk away - his eyes full of rejection and pain.

In my case I did not get better until my ex had dumped me in the most horrific way you can imagine. She literally had me picked up by the police, lying and saying that I'd threatened suicide. That got me put into a hospital for a few hours. When they released me and I went home.She'd moved her boyfriend into my house. She handed me a garbage bag with some dirty clothes in it. And that is all I got. She literally stole my entire life from me. I was too sick to care or even realize it.

Even with that. It took me another year, living in a rat infested condemned house, with no water or power, to finally "wake up".

I honestly pray that your husband doesn't have to fall that far before something snaps him out of it. I lost everything because nobody around was experienced or aware of what was happening inside of my head. I lost the woman I loved, all of my money, my job, my home, all of my possessions, my dignity, and my pride. I did not hit rock bottom. I struck it at full, free fall speed.

He doesn't understand what's happening to him. And I wish I knew something to say to you that might wake him up. In the end all I can really say is that I pray, for his sake, you are a better person than those I had around me when my illness hit. Where he is headed is likely to be dark, difficult, and will not resolve quickly. If you love him, please understand those facts now - and set your expectations accordingly.

He, and you both have a long and difficult road ahead of you. Do whatever you can to get him some help. He won't want it - figure out a way to force him into it. Threaten him if necessary. But get him help.

edit on 10/19/12 by Hefficide because: (no reason given)

posted on Oct, 19 2012 @ 07:23 AM
reply to post by k21968

I lost the man that was my husband in 2009 when he went to war. The man who came home is not the man who left. I get that bad things happened and that it messed him up. I get it. I just dont get why he is not strong enough to over come this.

k2, I can sympathize with your frustration and sense of loss. You're right, he's not the same man he was before, and the truth is that he never will be again. That said, he can reach a "new normal" and learn to function again, but it will be hard work.

I understand you are at your wits end, that you are overwhelmed and angry, sad and bewildered.

The fact is he is NOT strong enough, not now. Not yet. He has been damaged physically, emotionally, mentally and very possibly irremediably.

Yes, I have experience with being a veteran's wife, and he struggles with chronic PTSD, high anxiety, depression, and crankiness. I didn't know him before he was damaged by his experiences, but it was I who helped him recognize that he needed help. A litany of prescriptions is a bandage, not a cure.

I also am a retired clinical psychotherapist with specialized training in Family Relationships, and a survivor of crippling anxiety and depression myself (which led to some addiction) which, with my education and clincal experience, gives me the ability to speak about those issues as well. So, I'm not just an armchair browser of the Rant forum.

I see that you have a real problem on your hands, and while venting your feelings on ATS is fine for you to let off some steam, I also see that your anger is misdirected and misplaced.

I want to emphasize this: if you are not supportive of him, it makes things WORSE.

While your reactions and responses are perfectly legitimate, valid, and normal, and you have every right to feel that way, blaming him is not an answer.

I suggest that you not only go to a 12-step program, but get into PRIVATE COUNSELING for yourself. YOU need support and help, and someone to talk to who will understand your reactions and emotions, AND be able to help you deal with your husband's symptoms.

A TBI can be a very insidious thing. You do him a disservice by blaming him for his symptoms. He is not JUST an addict; (for one thing, addicts are NEVER happy people), and he needs treatment for the CAUSES of his migraines. There may be things you are completely unaware of that are tormenting him; it helps if you remember that every one of us is doing our best at all times, as weak and lame as we may appear to those around us.

Your husband has become a casualty of war. Plain and simple.

Seek out a Clinical Social Worker (as opposed to a "shrink" -- psychiatrists are MDs, and they are the only ones who can prescribe, but they are not all good "counselors", and they think of the client as a SICK PATIENT rather than a person who can determine what is best for themselves and learn NEW COPING STRATEGIES).

Meds are not the sole solution; your husband needs professional support and help. You can't do it because you are too close to him; I learned the painful way that we cannot "therapize" our own loved matter how much we know about what will help them). I suggest also that YOU GO WITH HIM to his appointments,


Do not let this destroy what is left of your life. Seek guidance from an experienced therapist who is a SPECIALIST in PTSD and Family Counseling. Clinicians are all different; like doctors, they have specific "categories" of study and expertise. A general behavioral health counselor may or MAY NOT know much about PTSD.

Also, you will want to find someone who is (or was) married, and preferably has/had children. Your entire family is affected by this, not just your husband. Your child as well is a victim, as are YOU. You didn't say how old your child is, but don't neglect what might be going on with him/her as well; a tense household that looks bomb-struck is not healthy for any of you, and will not be productive toward smoothing out your post-war lives.

Remember also, when you get angry and frustrated, it's okay to take a break from it. Go for walk, ask for help (not from him, necessarily, but if you've extended family around, or friends who can help with a meal or some housework don't be too proud to ask them), and remember to breathe. When the body is tense due to emotional fatigue and strain, FOCUSED BREATHING always helps. Close your eyes, take a deep breath to the slow count of 4, hold it for 4, let it out slowly to count of 4, rest for 4. Repeat. Focus on the air in and out, and nothing else. This will help relax your entire being.

I wish you all the best; and I'm truly saddened by what war has done to your husband, you, your child, and our entire society. Feel free to pm me if you like. But please, get some help for YOURSELF. You can't help him if you are not coping and calm and able to manage your own feelings. (I didn't say "stop" your feelings: learning to MANAGE them is the trick. For both of you.)

God bless and give you strength. You will need it.

edit on 19-10-2012 by wildtimes because: (no reason given)

posted on Oct, 19 2012 @ 07:48 AM

Originally posted by jough626
He sounds like every other lazy drug addict out there.

.. He has a list of problems and whys he uses drugs. He uses drugs for things drugs shouldn't be used for. The drugs are affecting not only his life but yours and he does not care.

People change. He may not be the same guy you fell in love with. Tell him you love him, and then leave him. You only live once, and you don't have time to be unhappy.

No, he doesn't sound like a lazy drug addict.

He sounds like someone who was in a lot of pain for legitimate medical reasons. He put his faith in doctors, and became addicted to the meds they prescribed. Addiction isn't just something you can "get over." It changes everything about you; your personality, your physical being, your emotional self.

He may not care, or he may. I don't think anyone can say how he feels at this point in time, because we are not there. He's definitely dealing with depression, and the pain of depression is unimaginable to those who've never experienced it.

OP, don't give up just yet. There's a lot of good advice here. Take from it what you can.

posted on Oct, 19 2012 @ 09:12 AM
reply to post by kinglizard

I was going to say the same thing, any addiction or alcoholism is a coverup for some emotional pain. It is a symptom.

He sounds very depressed.

His baseline issue is not being addressed.

Just because the MRI didn't "find anything" doesnt mean nothign is wrong. MRI don't show chemical disruptions.

Take some comfort in that he is working, because there are many women dealing with a man who doesn't even do that.

As long as he makes efforts to get help, stick with him. But he needs a serious therapist. Most of them are subpar. Therapist shop until you find one that actually understands what goes on.

posted on Oct, 19 2012 @ 09:17 AM
reply to post by wildtimes

Well said!!

posted on Oct, 19 2012 @ 09:23 AM
Opiates are Nature's cruel joke. They realy are.

They do a good job of disrupting pain, but cause the body to get addicted to them.

They help a person feel happy, but in very short time, you need so much more to keep it working.

Science is working on medications that work like opiates without the addiction, but most are junk.

Though last year they came out with Nucynta. It is being touted as the miracle replacement, I tried it, it made me sweat like a race horse and feel really funky, lol.

But some people like it.

But I think in about ten years time, there will be a better line of drugs.

I don't envy anyone dealing with migraines. I get sinus headaches and those are a nusance. I got a migraine given by satan himself when I got meningitis. Never experienced anything like it. So I sympathize.

I am a chronic pain sufferer. A mysterious immunity problem causes fibro and all my joints to degrade at an abnormal rate. When you suffer pain, and it continues and continues, your resolve to fight wears down, and you will do anything to get a break from it.

posted on Oct, 19 2012 @ 09:51 AM
reply to post by Destinyone

I did read it but we all have our own point of view she may work but whatever shes doing she not nearly going to bring home half of what he does. If hes working a full time job and hes also drawing his military pay that would mean hes supporting her.

Originally posted by k21968
He hasnt used narcotics since that I know of.

He now takes Abilify, Effexor, Elavil, cholesterol meds, topamax, beta blocker for high blood pressure from the migraines and imitrex daily.

It doesnt sound like hes back to his old ways. She said she made him go to rehab because he was buying pills off the street. O also you might want to get your husband checked for seizures the migranes that wont go away and the nose bleeds sound like something that happened to my brother and we only found out about them after he wrecked his car.

posted on Oct, 19 2012 @ 07:57 PM
reply to post by Hefficide

Thank you Heff. Your post made me cry because I never dreamed he might be feeling like this. That he doesnt even understand what is going on. I never even thought that was a possibility.

I know he loves me. He just cant show it.
I know he would be lost without me right now. Again, he cant show it.

Weve been together 27 years. We grew up together. He was always my best friend. I have to find a way to help him ...I have to and I wont stop until I do.

Thank you for sharing your story. IT really gave me a lot of insight.

Hugs to you!

posted on Oct, 19 2012 @ 08:04 PM
reply to post by wildtimes

Thank you Wildtimes. You gave me a lot to think about. Our daughter is 17. I can almost bet this is why my academically gifted child is getting d's...her senior year of high school and confessed to smoking (not cigarettes) a few times. She is a good kid but this past year her grades have declined and her friendly demeanor is gone. She is moody angry, etc. I seriously thought this was just normal 17 yr old girl stuff, but I am thinking it is affecting her as well.

We did family counseling after his rehab stay. It always made me feel like I was being mean to him because all I ever heard was that I needed to understand he had an illness..and it was like they didnt want me to hold him accountable for his actions because of his injury and addictive personality/impulse issues. Things were going well so the family counseling stopped. He has never stopped going and I am not welcome at his therapy. He calls it his time to vent and work out his life.

I will suggest we do family counseling again. Thank you so much!

posted on Oct, 19 2012 @ 08:17 PM
reply to post by darknull

First of all you struck a real nerve with me. I do not know what the difference is who makes more money.

Second of all, for 22 years of his military career I worked as well. I moved every 18 months to 3 years and worked every single year of his career often at jobs I didnt like, doing things I didnt want to do, to support our family, all the while taking care of a small child totally alone.

You are correct he gets military retirement, 50% of his army pay and VA disability for his brain injury he is currently rated at 80% VA Disabled. He works as a security guard making $10 an hour.

I work 60+ hrs a week currently and although my pay doesnt match his, without my pay he couldnt have all of his toys. (12 guns, enough ammo for armeggedon, and an upcoming trip with my father hunting in the wilderness)

I guarentee you are not married with your attitude. You seem to think because he makes more money somehow that makes me less of a partner in our marriage. You are sadly mistaken. For more years than not I have been the glue that held it all together.

I wont risk a T and C violation to say what I really would like to, but I will say this....your comments contributed nothing. I am eager to hear your reasoning on why it matters that he makes more money. HE DOESNT SUPPORT ME. We are equal partners. If he left me tomorrow I would do just fine on my own financially.

posted on Oct, 19 2012 @ 09:08 PM
He's not weak, he was just strong for far too long. PTSD is very, very real and takes a lot of time to overcome, if ever.

I do realize it's very frustrating for you, it's hard carrying the burden when your partner is no longer the person they used to be. However, you did take a vow, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health... He's not healthy right now and as difficult as it is, it's your place to help him get well. I know it sounds kind of mean, but if you don't help him, you're signing his death warrant.

This isn't to say you don't deserve to rant, or that you don't deserve to be frustrated, you definitely do, but you need to find a way to help him. There are a lot of groups, a lot of professionals, a lot of things to try.

In my own experience, it doesn't get better until you hit rock bottom (the PTSD). It CAN get better, but it's a long, hard road.

As far as the narcotics, I have a family member who had trouble with them. I don't fully understand it and get very frustrated with her addiction. I don't know the answers, but I know there has to be answers out there somewhere. Of course, he has to be willing to get the help and stick to it. If he isn't, then he's going to have to hit rock bottom on that as well.

Hope you're able to get through this, I realize it's very, very difficult for him AND for you.

edit on 19-10-2012 by PurpleChiten because: (no reason given)

posted on Oct, 19 2012 @ 09:15 PM
reply to post by wildtimes

Excellent advice. Thanks for being part of ATS

posted on Oct, 19 2012 @ 09:31 PM
Heff's post makes me want to share ...part of... my story. So many of us have been through so much...

I stuck with my spouse through a very difficult time. There was surgery involved and about 6 months of recovery. I stayed right there and did everything I could. About a year later, after going through a very traumatic experience at an inner city school, I was diagnosed with lupus. It was pretty devastating. I ended up taking sick leave from work while trying to get it under control. During that time, I was cheated on ...with who was supposed to be... my best friend. We split up and I moved back to my home state.

I moved in with my mother who wasn't well. Six months later, my mother passed away. I was completely devastated. A year later, on the same day, my nephew overdosed and left behind a wife and three small children. A few months later, on my Mother's birthday, my aunt died of a sudden heart attack in her sleep. A few months later, my paternal grandmother passed away (old age in this case, she was 87). Then, my best friend passed away from a long illness, two cousins, an uncle, then my stepfather. Lastly, my maternal grandmother passed away on Christmas day. She had helped raise me and was the most important person in my life. This was in a period of only three years. I had nothing left to live for. It ripped away my very soul. Depression, anxiety, illness.... I honestly didn't want to live anymore but I couldn't commit suicide due to my religious beliefs and I didn't want to spend eternity in hell.

It took a very, VERY long time to get through it. I still hurt every single day. There is pain that is beyond imagination and I do take controlled medication for it, but it only dulls the pain. I still work every day, I interact with people and I push ahead. It took time to get to this point (as well as a purple chicken facebook account to be as silly as I wanted to be).

I carry on because I have to. My faith is part of it, my family is part of it (what's left of my family), and the true friends that I have been blessed with are part of it. Even my job is part of it. The kids do as much for me as I do for them. They don't know I'm sick, they don't know I'm in pain, and I'm not telling them.

Stick with your husband, don't let him lose what is possibly the only stable thing he has left in his life. I know it's not easy for you and I know you get frustrated, but he needs you now. Possibly more than he has ever needed anyone in his life. Chances are, he'll never be able to tell you that ... until he gets through this, if he gets through it, but you are probably the most important person in his life. You know the good, the bad and the ugly and he needs you. Don't do to him what was done to me, it's devastating beyond what anyone should have to suffer, especially someone who gave their life to defend this country. He gave his life, and your life, don't let it be given in vain and don't let it be taken away completely.

Start searching, find the right therapist, find the support groups and dedicate yourself completely to helping him overcome this. You won't regret it and it may build an ever stronger relationship than you ever imagined.

edit on 19-10-2012 by PurpleChiten because: (no reason given)

posted on Oct, 20 2012 @ 12:23 PM

If I can stop one heart from breaking
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.
----Emily Dickinson

I try.
We all do, in our own way, with what we must deal with. Sometimes we fail, we mess up. We let others down, we let ourselves down. We get stuck, and go through phases of uncharacteristic behavior. It's hard. We're all just sort of trying to keep up, and we all have lots on our plates in this world today. Remembering that everyone has problems they are dealing with is important. Life would be insurmountable without the support of others.

From time to time I get angry, and behave like a child. We all do. It's human.

Thanks to ATS for giving us this forum.

Mary Anne Radmacher - "Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow."

My heart goes out to all of you.

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