I know we all have to grow older. And I don't know if I'm taking it harder than the next person or not, but it's really really bothering me deeply
as of the past few months.
I'm going to be 40 on the 31st of March. All my life I have gotten along with the younger generation, like those 19, 23, 25 etc. I guess it's cuz
I'm a gamer and just I dunno. I'm more open minded than most my age for the younger gen? Never did have much of a child/teen hood as I was raised
with very strict rules etc.
Still. My crush is like 23 and we see eye to eye on everything ever. We have the world in common and he is so far mature than his numerical age would
dictate. Heck, he's more mature than most guys my age are and he doesn't talk about dr appointments, medicine, trouble walking around and crap
either like the guys around my age.. older guys but still. Spooky, I know. Maybe I'm just not mature. Could be that too. I'm willing to admit that.
Point is, I look at myself -and yes that pic IS me taken back in august of this year 2012. I look 19 to 23. My friends and so on say I look between 15
and 23. I /act/ 23....er..... 21? heh. My son turned 18 today and heck, I go to HIM for advice with stuff. Totally. Guy advice, work advice, this and
that. It's awful yet it's /me/.
So I look in the mirror and see myself and just crunch up my face and it's like 'my god, you're old.' I can not STAND the word 'middle age' or
'mid life' because that denotes to me someone who just can't fit in anymore or can't wear cool clothing or hang with the crowd. Middle age to me
denotes sitting at home, reading a newspaper with glasses perched on the end of the nose, greying hair, curlers, bathrobe and slippers that let one
toe peek out, medicine bottles all over (she takes 30 pills a day, she does) and dr appts all the time and so on. Dear lord. Middle age to me right
now starts around 60. Seriously.
There is NO way I want to stop associating with the younger gen (at least not right now. Maybe if I'm like 50, it'd be creepy and weird, esp if I
look that age. GOD I HOPE NOT). If they never knew my age, they'd never guess. I love the music, clothing, hair styles, how they speak, game, act,
everything. I know folks my age have fun too, but it's just not... the same, if that makes sense. I seriously would give anything to turn time back
but still have it be today and be like 17 or something. I know it's something that can never happen but man.
Am I just supposed to stop doing what I enjoy and stop hanging with those I enjoy hanging with once I turn that yucky old 4-o? Cuz that's going to
suck. It really will. I think the reason I look so young is because I fully embrace my own inner teen and keep her alive as much as I can.
Course I can not get into that skrillex stuff. Maybe that's a sign I'm moving on? xD I dunno. For real though, I'm so terrified of getting older. I
keep going 'omg in 10 years, I'mma be 50. FIFTY.' It really disturbs me greatly. I have lived so far with zero stress yet this IS stressing me to
I hate it. I hate hate hate it. THIS is going to age me and I can't let that happen. I really don't want to ever take botox or anything
xD but my god. I don't want to age simply because I'm stressing my number that denotes my life (aka age).
Ugh. ugh ugh ugh.