I'm going to have post this in two parts because the character count wont let me, Bare with me.
This is a comedy script I wrote while up in Nottingham for a local Radio station. Its a send up or Spoof of the X Files, several other writers was
involved from Australia, I was the only UK writer.
I wrote several episodes for the X FOOLS, but this is the only one I saved. That was until they started throwing their toys out of the cot, and banned
me from writing any more scripts. Enjoy, AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK?.
THE X FOOLS. THE BAKED BEAN CONSPIRACY (Or is the BBC run by a load of old farts?)
Written by A C Wilkinson (c) 1997
VOICE OVER INTRODUCTION: They are two ordinary people investigating extraordinary
phenomenon, Werewolves, Vampires, Are we figments of our own imaginations, They are
Agents Fax Smulder and Donut Sulky they are the X Fools.
VOICE OVER WITH TYPING SOUNDS: We find our agents outside the FBO
(Federal Bureau of Odd stuff) Cafeteria, Washington DC.
SMULDER: Well Sulky I think I will have to go to the Medi lab for a stomach pump, that food
in there was diabolical.
SULKY: Yes I agree Smulder I had a prawn cocktail but in this case I know it was Fresh
SMULDER: How did you know that Sulky?.
SULKY: Because the prawns were swimming about trying to avoid the octopus.
VOICE OVER: Assistant director Skinheads office.
KNOCKING ON DOOR SOUNDS.
Skinhead:Come in please
SMULDER: You wanted to see us Assistant director Skinhead sir.
SKINHEAD: Did I?, Oh yes so I did, I have a case for you, and it’as a very nasty case too agents.
SMULDER: I hope it’s not a pigskin case sir, I hate the feel of pigskin, Yeuuuch.
SKINHEAD: No agent Smulder it’s about the people that have been mysteriously exploding after eating Beans from the Breezy Bean Company.
SMULDER: But Sir how can beans do that ?.
SKINHEAD: Everyone knows what beans give you Smulder.
SMULDER: Yes sir, Fibre, roughage, and protein sir.
SKINHEAD: No you dummy they give you gas.
VOICE OVER: The Breezy Bean Company somewhere in Virginia, The Directors office.
SULKY: Well Mr Fetwinny can you explain why people are exploding after eating your product?
MR FETWINNY: No agent Sulky I cant help you I'm afraid, I am as puzzled as you are?.
LOUD BANG FROM OUTSIDE ( BANG! )
SMULDER: Oh My God! Sulky.
SULKY: What is it Smulder?
SMULDER: Some poor guy just exploded outside the works canteen.
VOICE OVER: What or who is behind this gaseous plot'?, will our Agents get to the bottom of
Find out in the next Explosive episode of The X Fools.
BAKED BEAN CONSPIRACY
VOICE OVER: In the last episode our agents were talking to Mr Fetwinny of the Breezy Bean
Company when Agent Smulder witnessed someone exploding outside.
VOICE OVER:The Car park Breezy Bean Co.
SMULDER: OH my god, what an awful sight that is Sulky.
SULKY: Yes Smulder the poor soul is spread all over the place like a human Pizza, Yeuch!.
SMULDER I don't mean that Sulky, I mean that billboard poster over there with the President kissing that baby, Someone should have told him he had the
baby the wrong way up.
SULKY: Keep your mind on the case Smulder, we only have three more episodes to solve this case.
SMULDER: OK Sulky, Sorry.
SOUND OF WHISPERING VOICE: Psst, Psst, Agent Smulder over here.
SMULDER: It’s the mysterious agent that gives me clues I don’t understand, Where are you
MYSTERY AGENT: Over here, under this Gooseberry bush Agent Smulder.
SMULDER: Why are you hiding under a Gooseberry bush?.
MYSTERY AGENT: Cos my mammy told me she found me under one so it’s like home from
SMULDER: Oh my god, My sister Tabatha was abducted by a Gooseberry bush when I was
nine years old, do you mind if l take a look she just might be under there?
MYSTERY AGENT: She’s not, take my word For it, Now listen Smulder go to the agricultural
labs in Arkansas, there you must talk to a Professor Von Tit sling, he may help you..
SMULDER: Wow! that’s fantastic.
MYSTERY AGENT: What is Agent Smulder'?.
SMULDER: A clue I can actually understand.
MYSTERY AGENT: Are you trying to be funny Smulder?.
SMULDER: Err no, it’s in the script.
VOICE OVER: Was that a spark of brains in Smulder‘?
SMULDER: I Resent that, I think.
VOICE OVER: Or just a flash in the Bean pan, and where was Agent Sulky in this episode‘!
SULKY: I was sitting on the John OK.
VOICE OVER: How nice for John the lucky guy.
SOUND OF SLAP, OUCH!
VOICE OVER: Tune in to our clue some twosome in the next exciting episode of
The X FOOLS
edit on 15-10-2012 by Ferryman because: Mistake
edit on 15-10-2012 by Ferryman because: Mistake 2