The X Fools

I'm going to have post this in two parts because the character count wont let me, Bare with me.


This is a comedy script I wrote while up in Nottingham for a local Radio station. Its a send up or Spoof of the X Files, several other writers was involved from Australia, I was the only UK writer.
I wrote several episodes for the X FOOLS, but this is the only one I saved. That was until they started throwing their toys out of the cot, and banned me from writing any more scripts. Enjoy, AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK?.

THE X FOOLS. THE BAKED BEAN CONSPIRACY (Or is the BBC run by a load of old farts?)

EPISODE I
Written by A C Wilkinson (c) 1997

VOICE OVER INTRODUCTION: They are two ordinary people investigating extraordinary
phenomenon, Werewolves, Vampires, Are we figments of our own imaginations, They are
Agents Fax Smulder and Donut Sulky they are the X Fools.

VOICE OVER WITH TYPING SOUNDS: We find our agents outside the FBO
(Federal Bureau of Odd stuff) Cafeteria, Washington DC.

SMULDER: Well Sulky I think I will have to go to the Medi lab for a stomach pump, that food
in there was diabolical.
SULKY: Yes I agree Smulder I had a prawn cocktail but in this case I know it was Fresh
SMULDER: How did you know that Sulky?.
SULKY: Because the prawns were swimming about trying to avoid the octopus.

VOICE OVER: Assistant director Skinheads office.
KNOCKING ON DOOR SOUNDS.

Skinhead:Come in please
SMULDER: You wanted to see us Assistant director Skinhead sir.
SKINHEAD: Did I?, Oh yes so I did, I have a case for you, and it’as a very nasty case too agents.
SMULDER: I hope it’s not a pigskin case sir, I hate the feel of pigskin, Yeuuuch.
SKINHEAD: No agent Smulder it’s about the people that have been mysteriously exploding after eating Beans from the Breezy Bean Company.
SMULDER: But Sir how can beans do that ?.
SKINHEAD: Everyone knows what beans give you Smulder.
SMULDER: Yes sir, Fibre, roughage, and protein sir.
SKINHEAD: No you dummy they give you gas.

VOICE OVER: The Breezy Bean Company somewhere in Virginia, The Directors office.

SULKY: Well Mr Fetwinny can you explain why people are exploding after eating your product?
MR FETWINNY: No agent Sulky I cant help you I'm afraid, I am as puzzled as you are?.
LOUD BANG FROM OUTSIDE ( BANG! )

SMULDER: Oh My God! Sulky.
SULKY: What is it Smulder?
SMULDER: Some poor guy just exploded outside the works canteen.

VOICE OVER: What or who is behind this gaseous plot'?, will our Agents get to the bottom of
it?
Find out in the next Explosive episode of The X Fools.


BAKED BEAN CONSPIRACY

EPISODE 2

VOICE OVER: In the last episode our agents were talking to Mr Fetwinny of the Breezy Bean
Company when Agent Smulder witnessed someone exploding outside.

VOICE OVER:The Car park Breezy Bean Co.

SMULDER: OH my god, what an awful sight that is Sulky.
SULKY: Yes Smulder the poor soul is spread all over the place like a human Pizza, Yeuch!.
SMULDER I don't mean that Sulky, I mean that billboard poster over there with the President kissing that baby, Someone should have told him he had the baby the wrong way up.
SULKY: Keep your mind on the case Smulder, we only have three more episodes to solve this case.
SMULDER: OK Sulky, Sorry.
SOUND OF WHISPERING VOICE: Psst, Psst, Agent Smulder over here.

SMULDER: It’s the mysterious agent that gives me clues I don’t understand, Where are you
Mysterious agent?
MYSTERY AGENT: Over here, under this Gooseberry bush Agent Smulder.
SMULDER: Why are you hiding under a Gooseberry bush?.
MYSTERY AGENT: Cos my mammy told me she found me under one so it’s like home from
home here.
SMULDER: Oh my god, My sister Tabatha was abducted by a Gooseberry bush when I was
nine years old, do you mind if l take a look she just might be under there?
MYSTERY AGENT: She’s not, take my word For it, Now listen Smulder go to the agricultural
labs in Arkansas, there you must talk to a Professor Von Tit sling, he may help you..
SMULDER: Wow! that’s fantastic.
MYSTERY AGENT: What is Agent Smulder'?.
SMULDER: A clue I can actually understand.
MYSTERY AGENT: Are you trying to be funny Smulder?.
SMULDER: Err no, it’s in the script.

VOICE OVER: Was that a spark of brains in Smulder‘?

SMULDER: I Resent that, I think.

VOICE OVER: Or just a flash in the Bean pan, and where was Agent Sulky in this episode‘!

SULKY: I was sitting on the John OK.

VOICE OVER: How nice for John the lucky guy.
SOUND OF SLAP, OUCH!
VOICE OVER: Tune in to our clue some twosome in the next exciting episode of
The X FOOLS

BAKED BEAN CONSPIRACY
EPISODE 3

VOICE OVER: last episode Smulder was given a clue by the mystery agent that turns up in
strange places, we join our heroes at the agricultural labs in Arkansas, Professor Von Tit slings
office.

SULKY: Well professor what can you tell us about these baked beans that are mysteriously
blowing people up?

VON TITSLING: (In over the top German accent) Vell mine dear Sulky Zeer ist nothing
Myshterious about it, they just go bang, und are kaput.
SULKY: Yes professor but is there anything EIse?.
VON TIT Sling: Ahh do you know EIse?, she ist von tasty apple stroodle ist Else, und her rates are very cheap, bit heavy mit der whipping though. .
SMULDER: Can you give me her number professor?.
SULKY: Shut up Smulder.
VON TIT Sling: Vell agents as you are knowing zee baked beanzz are giving zee gas in large
amounts, und vee ver given zee contract by NASA to Gif Ze alternative Propellant for Zee
Space Shuttle.
SULKY; I see Professor.
SMULDER: I don't can you explain that again please ?.
SULKY: Oh shut your face Smulder.
VON TITSLINGI Vell here at zee labs vee ver experimenting on zee new shtrain of baked bean Zat gives out 200 times more gas per bean, are you undershtanding ziss'?.
SULKY: Yes professor, Smulder don't say a word.
VON TITSLING: Somehow a large amount of Zee beans ver Shtolen, und ver put in zee normal baked bean cans, und are now killing people.
SMULDER: I still don't understand where the shuttle comes into this?.
VON TITSLING; Mine gott und himmell, Vot a dumbkopf you are agent Shmulder, the gas is
used as zee rocket fuel.
SMULDER: 0h!, I see, I think?.
SOUND OF DANCING FEET.
DANCER MAN: You wont get to the bottom of this one agents, I have knocked the wind out
your sails this time, ha ha ha.
SULKY: Oh no, it‘s the evil dancer man.
SMULDER: I am going to get him Sulky, and do the most terrible thing I can to him.
SULKY: What is that Smulder?.
SMULDER: Tie his damned shoe laces together, and stop that infernal tapping.

VOICE OVER: Will agent Smulder trip up the evil dancer man and foil his gaseous plot or will
he trip himself up as usual?

Find out in the next tripping, I mean gripping episode of THE X FOOLS








BAKED BEAN CONSPIRACY
EPISODE 4

VOICE OVER: We left our agents in professor Tit sling’s office, having just discovered that the
evil Dancer Man is behind this Odorous, I mean Odious plot.
We join our agents as Smulder gives chase to Dancer man through the Labs storage facility.

DANCER MAN: Chase me all you like Agent Smulder, you will never catch me because my tap shoes are Bean gas powered, you don't stand a chance, Ha Ha Ha.
SMULDER: I will get you Dancer man if it’s the last thing I do, you no good scum bag.
DANCER MAN: Ha Ha Ha, No you wont Smulder, I'm going to spread these Beans around the world so there will be that much methane gas in the atmosphere it will speed up the global warming process, that will make the ice caps melt exposing the mineral wealth underneath, Ha Ha Ha, and I own lots of land there so I will be mega rich, Ha Ha Ha.
SMULDER NOTICES SOME OF THE SUPER BEANS IN A CRATE:
SMULDER Thinks'?: I have an idea, I'll eat just a couple of those Beans I just might overtake
Dancer man, then I will have him, it's worth a try.
GULP, SLURP, SLOBBER, BURP
SULKY: Where are you Smulder ?.
SMULDER: Over here Sulky, I've just eaten two of the super beans, I have an idea on how to
catch Dancer man.
SULKY: Bbbbut Smulder ttthhhose Bbbbeans are ddddeadly, you could explode.
SMULDER: You really should see a therapist about that stutter sulky.
SULKY: lt‘s only when I get nervous Smulder you know that?.
SMULDER: Well I have only eaten two Sulky, Wow! these things really work quick Sulky, my
stomach is starting to swell, I think I am going to, OH MY GOD!.
SOUND OF VERY VIOLENT RASPING NOISE: THHHHRRRAAAAAAARRRRRRPPPP.
SMULDER: Woah, Arrrrgggg, Woooo, I am Flying Sulky, and there is Dancer man below me I
think I am going to get him Sulky?, hold on a sec, Oh no I'm going to craaaaaaasssh.
BANG, WALLOP ,TINKLE, CRUNCH.
SULKY: Smulder are you OK?, where are you Smulder’).
SMULDER; Here I am Sulky, Oh my head, Oh my back, Oh my ass, OH my god not again.
EVEN LOUDER RASPING NOISE AS SMULDER TAKES OFF.
SMULDER: Aaaiieeeee, l am going to go through the roof, Oh my, Sulky help Meeeeee.

VOICE OVER: is this the end for Smulder?.

SMULDER: AAAAArrrrrggghghhh Heeeeeeeeeeelllpp.

VOICE OVER: lt certainly looks like it, but will Sulky be able to help him?.

SULKY: l don't think so, goodbye Smulder it’s been a gas, happy landings.

VOICE OVER: Tune in to the next aerodynamic episode of THE X FOOLS.









BAKED BEAN CONSPIRACY
EPISODE 5

VOICE OVER: Last episode Agent Smulder went ballistic after eating two of the super beans in the attempt to catch the evil Dancer man, but the beans were more powerful than he knew, and now he has crashed through the roof, and is flying along at 200 feet, speed 75 miles per hour.
We join our Airborne agent somewhere over Arkansas.

SMULDER: Hey! this flying aint so bad, it's just the landings that are the problem.

SOUND OF HELICOPTER:
SMULDER: Great!, an helicopter heading my way, if I can just grab a landing strut, Ahhh got it, pheeeewww that was a close one.
SULKY: here Smulder take my hand, l’ll help you up.
INSIDE THE CHOPPER:
SMULDER: Gee thanks Sulky but what are you doing here?, wait a minute this is the Presidents helicopter, WOW!, Mr President it’s an honour sir.
MR PRESIDENTBill Clinton sound alike) lt’s OK Agent Smulder, we saw Agent Sulky
waving on the ground, and as you know I have a weakness for redheads, well, any woman with any coloured hair actually, Aaahem, anyway we picked her up, and saw you flying through the air so we headed your way, Agent Sulky has explained it all to me.
SULKY: I am sorry Smulder but Dancer man escaped again but we know he is injured.
SMULDER: But how do you know that Sulky?, Where did he go?.
SULKY: Because one of his gas powered shoes exploded, and he was seen spinning out of
control into that Pig farm over there.
MR PRESIDENT: It looks like you beat him this time agents, congratulations, I thank you, and
America thanks you.
AGENTS TOGETHER: We hope so Mr President.
MR PRESIDENT: Tell me something Agent Smulder, what was it like after you had eaten those super beans?.
SMULDER: Well Sir. you know when you eat too much Chili, and drink too much beer, you
have a lot of gas the next day?, well it was many times worse than that.
MR PRESIDENT:Yes I do Agent Smulder, I remember kissing a baby that had the same
problem, but l don't want to talk about it.
SMULDER: Wait a minute!, Oh no not again, oh geez I'm going to, oh hell.
PRESIDENT & SULKY IN PANICKY VOICES: No Smulder not here in this helicopter, we are
trapped in here, Oh Nooooo.
PHAAAAARRRRRPPPPP, WHEEEEEPPPPP, THRUUUUMMP.

VOICE OVER: Is this the end of our beloved President, and the end of our Beloved Agents?

PRESIDENT & SULKY: Oh my god Smulder, Phheeeww, somebody open a window.
SULKY: Quick give me that oxygen
SMULDER: Sooorrrreeeeeeee folks.

VOICE OVER: Tune into the next environmentally friendly episode of "THE X FOOLS.

THE END