Cant hold it in any longer

So this is very difficult for me, I was trained to " suffer in silence" but I can't take it any more. I can't believe I'm admitting this but I'm sitting in a airport trying to hide the tears rolling down my face.

This isn't about the military its about me.

I'm not a very active member here, but this where I come to escape reality because my real life is anything but living I'm barely surviving.

I'm am so sick of being trashed because I wear a US Army uniform and my fellow soldiers being treated like we are horrible people. I just had a lady and her kids just call me every name in the book while walking threw the airport. It took every bit of strength to keep quite and keep walking. Everwhere I go we are treated like animals like we don't have feelings, even here on ATS.

I know most people understand the sac rifices we make but I'm going to try to give you a sence of what I'm going through. So here I go..

I was once so happy, I found my soul mate a beautiful southern girl named Heather. She was perfect, she was so sweet and beautiful( looked like Carie Underwood) she loved fishing she even woke me up at 4am to tell me the tides are just right to go fishing. I never ever wanted to get married but couldn't wait to ask her. I woke her up one morning and just said hey you wanna get married, she said yes. So we got in the car and went to Mobile, Alabama and got married. I had to stop at a store o the way to get a ring for me, I already had her ring. That was the best day ever.

Now I will tell you about the sacrifices. I was having a blast in iraq but couldn't wait to get back home to my wife. But after getting back I see my wife and I feel like I don't know her so I keep my distance and keep a wall up between us. All I can think about is getting back to iraq. Nothing back home felt real and I was so angry all the time. So she left me through a text msg. I never ever hit her but I know I wasn't the husband she deserved.

so that was the biggest sacrifice I made was my wife which I know was my own fault. Now its been almost 2 yrs since she left but it still fels like yesterday I got that text msg. Just youtube garth brooks- more then a memory and you will get a scense of what I'm feeling for her.

Now I will tell you how I feel everyday. I get up thinking evrything was a bad dream but ts not. I have to constantly chew peppermint gum because I always feel like I'm going to throw up( doc said its all in my head), can't listen to country music anymore because it will make me tear up, I have to constanly stay occupied or I will start thinking of her or Iraq, I'm constantly on guard, I can't talk to anyone because my military buddies are pretty much going through the same stuff and my outside friends wouldn't understand. I went to a therapist and that was horrible she accused me of using steriods and called me crazy for thinking getting shot at and blown up was exciting. When I finally get some sleep I dream about her or iraq. Now I think I'm addicted to pain meds. That's just a few things.

I used to be so full of life and happy. But now I am so sad and its so hard to put on a fake smile and act tough. I can't go fishing anymore cause its not the same.. I've met new women but its not the same. The last time I actually smiled for real was like 2 month ago when I stopped at walmart in unifom and out of no where this little girl about 9yr old ran up to me and hugged me and said thank you.

Most of us are not bad people, almost all of us are hurting but we "suffer in silence".
Like my buddy I don't know how he is still alive, while in iraq he gets a notice that his brother committed suicide so he goes home on leave for the funeral he gets back to iraq and about 3months later he gets notice then his newborn child died but he couldn't go home because he already took his leave, then at the end of the deployment he opens up a package and in side was divorce papers. It must of took everything he had not to put his m4 to his head.

I have no idea what I'm writing, my head is spinning and just typing. I'm sorry. I guess should have thought about what I was going to write before.

I'm not trying to get you to feel bad for me/us or your pitty I just wanted to let you know we are not just a uniform we are people just like you, and sometimes your words hurt just as much as a bullet

Thank you to the member that sent me a msg, I really appreciated that. Sorry I didn't respond I didn't know we could get msgs on ats until the other day.

I cannot, at least not in words write how sorry I am for the way that you must be feeling, I will never claim to truly know, but please, please be aware that you are NOT alone, and there are people out there that care for you. It may not seem like that right now, and I know that I am a complete stranger, but I care for you, and your heartache.

You are more then welcome to send me a message if you choose, just to vent, no judgments. Please keep that in mind.

Peace, NRE.

I want to apologize to anyone that served if I have ever done a personal attack either perceived or on purpose. I admire you for having the courage to fight for your country. The only thing I have ever meant is to criticize the government. Again, sorry and you do have my respect.

I have a certain amount of respect for soldiers.

Because, regardless of what their motivations are, they are putting their lives on the line to protect this country, and that also means protecting me.

But i don't blindly worship them and i'm not blind to the fact that sometimes they commit atrocities, and are often used as political pawns for the rulers of this country. And I know they will fire on civilians if ordered to if the case need be.

But I will not put all soldiers into one lump sum.

But that's just me.

Whenever somebody does that I tend to think of them as the real fools because it's not truly about real morality, it's about scoring points and looking good for their audience. They just can't help themselves, and don't really know any better. It is unfortunate that these people don't truly understand what they're doing.

Just remember what Jesus said on the cross.

"forgive them father, for they know not what they do."

And they really truly don't.

Thank you!! Most of you on here didn't hate on us just the government which I have noo problem with. I just had too vent. I'm mean I'm a infantry grunt I'm not supposed to have emotions so why can't I stop the tears. I really need a drink!!!!

reply to post by ussoldier


If they offer counseling services, you might want to see one.

Sometimes a professional can help.

reply to post by EvilSadamClone


I will promise I'm not a bad person I have never done anything that wasn't in defense of my self or my brothers. Yes we get bad intel(a lot) but when your there the only people you can trust is the ones wearing the same uniform. We are just the chest pieces not the ones controlling the game.

Yes some of the us have done some bad things but I can't really say anything about that because I have no idea what they been through while in country.

Originally posted by EvilSadamClone
reply to post by ussoldier

 

If they offer counseling services, you might want to see one.

Sometimes a professional can help.

Tried that. Its a joke. They said I must be on steriods because I go to the gym all the time. They just want to put you on meds.

reply to post by ussoldier


I am no doctor, and am not trying to diagnose you. But I personally have PTSD and have found, in my case, that there are meds that work and which aren't troublesome regarding side effects/addiction.

Also, talking helps. I attend a PTSD group ( for now not often - but that's circumstantial. As soon as I can I'll return to going twice per week ) and it's very helpful to me. It's liberating to realize you're not alone and can get inspiration and tips from others who have similar experiences and difficulties.

And thank you for your service to the country. Sincerely.

~Heff

reply to post by Hefficide


Thanks.. I tried therapy for about 6months, it was horrible. I'm sure I will get over it, people have been through a lot more.

reply to post by ussoldier


Just to clarify, I too dislike therapy, in a one on one setting. It's awful. But if you haven't tried a group, give it a shot. It's a LOT different. It's not the same experience at all.

Then again, from my POV, ATS is also part of my "group therapy". I discuss things here and get nearly the same result. The important thing is to keep talking and letting it out. Once it bottles up? That's when things get bad.

If you ever need any help locating resources (VA or not VA - either way ) or information in general, or just want to vent - my inbox is always open!

~Heff

reply to post by ussoldier


My heart goes out to you. There has to be a lot of emotional trauma/PTSD type of stuff just due to the nature of being deployed somewhere like Iraq. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm terrible at advice in situations like this. But, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

For every person that says awful things- plenty more aren't. Try to shift your perspective a little- it may help.

reply to post by Hefficide


Thank you.. I actually feeling a little better after letting some of it out here. You all been very nice to give your support. I'm kinda regreting letting out my emotions specially while being in uniform.

Originally posted by ussoldier
reply to post by Hefficide

 

Thank you.. I actually feeling a little better after letting some of it out here. You all been very nice to give your support. I'm kinda regreting letting out my emotions specially while being in uniform.

Honestly? I'd be waaay more worried if you weren't emotional sometimes. For what you've been through- you're not abnormal. You're reacting naturally.

Don't feel bad for letting out your emotions while in uniform. If your in an ambush, and you get the urge to talk about your feelings, by all means bottle that # up. But right now, we are a community and I gladly took the time to read every word you wrote. You have some heavy stuff going on and I think you were right to let it out a bit.

I have 2 recommendations for you. We don't personally know each other, so I might miss the mark, but I hope you will consider and think on my following words.

1: If you don't already have one, get a pet. Dog, cat, bird, whatever would appeal to you. One thing about pets, is they do funny stuff and make you laugh. They give you a life to reach out and touch when your lonely. And they give you love that won't end because of bad communication. In general they can be a good source of happiness as well as a new friend that won't ever judge.

2: You sound like you need to close a dark chapter in your life and start a new one. Something to distract you, something productive you can be proud of. Have you thought about taking any college/trade classes? Is there anything that interests you? Do you know how much damn money electricians make for running wires? Put an effort into schooling, and it will give you something to do and create the possibilities for new beginnings in your life. You might meet a new girlfriend in college. Or you might get a career that will help you attract one. Studying will give you something productive to do, while opening the door to new experiences. And maybe this is not something you can currently engage in depending on your situation with the military but there is still a point to be taken. You need to start something new. One should never forget the past, but one should never forget the future either. Find something that can shake things up a bit. Learn to play the guitar or the drums, find a crazy new hobby that's fun. Something, anything. But you need to change it up.

Thanks for everything you give and have given in our name. I know you can find happiness again. And happiness is found much quicker by people who look for it.

Much love to you man, hang in there and never be ashamed.

Please don't take this.as sarcasm I.am basing it off your post.

Sounds like the government knows what they are doing. You are probably their model soilder. You had a drive for.the chaos and adrenaline rush that is war so much so that you let your personal life fall apart. Know when your alone all you think about.is war and everything you have lost which is.where your.mental issues come into play. A adrenaline junky with nothing to lose and slightly unstable makes for a hell of a soilder. Adrenaline fix maybe be obtained with the excessive exercise,

I wouldn't say there is.anything.wrong with you I think they got ya just were they want you.

I think heff is right in group therapy would probably be best to see that you are not alone, that this is what they program you for. I believe there is hope for you just keep making positive steps perhaps even try a new therapist, a real therapist doesn't judge you or accuse you of things they are supposed to listen and help you deal with your issues.

A close friend of mine was wounded in combat in Afghanistan and watch 3 of his.brother fall next to him so I have seen what war can do to a person, I can't relate or.understand but I've seen what it did.to my buddy.

Me personally always try to go out of.my way to thank a solider in uniform when I see them and still thank veterans for putting their life on the line. Most people confuse hate for war with hate for soldiers and I blame that on politics and msm, the people that profit from war. They will mver admit that there crimes against humanity is what driveey good soilders to snap. They can't afford to lose the next election. It easier to make the one sacrificing their live for what they are told is right and just.

I truly feel for you but you.must get professional help. These are some pretty heavy issues if you really think about it.years of brainwashing isn't going to change over night

Also it ways sat funny with me everytime I time I think about Martial law and whether or not soldiers would fire on their own countrymen, then you hear stories like this where solider feels jaded and unappreciated. Wouldn,t be hard to mak him feel vilinized or grow a hate for us for our misdirected anger.

Good luck to you and thank you for believing in your country and neighbors enough to risk your life. For those that show you no respect just know they don't speak for all of us. It takes a special breed to put on that uniform.

Please excuse typing on my phone

I hate war, I really do, but I love and respect soldiers. I feel like most if not all soldiers join military for good reasons, not because they love war and so I can make the distinction. I'm so very sorry about your wife. And please know that emotions are part of being human, you are human!

Also what Heff wrote about group therapy being different than one on one, I agree from personal experience as well. Maybe you can get into a group specifically for soldiers, I'm sure they have them somewhere, if not in your area, maybe online? If not actual group therapy, maybe a support group? I don't know, but it's something to think about.

I'm glad you wrote this thread and didn't try to keep it in any longer. I will thank you for your service and the least I can do is read your thread and reply. Try to remember that not everyone will think those things that the person said to you, maybe try to focus on the people that do support you. Easier said than done, I know. I should take my own advice sometimes lol.

This is a very touching thread about what I am afraid has become a sadly common situation in these times. I would say you have the personality type that thrives, and feels truly alive in extreme scenarios which in itself is not an illness but does mean that normal everyday circumstances can weigh heavily on you, and will often drag you down. The fact that you are a soldier means you have above average physical, and mental fortitude, and also means that you have it within in you to overcome what you are currently facing. As someone who has suffered PTSD related depression I can reassure that it does not have to be forever, and in time you will find some normality through your personal strength, and resolve. September does eventually end if you take my meaning.

What would you say to your doctor if he was having a "blast" prescribing you drugs that didn't help you but instead kept you poor and forever sick?

I am truly sorry for your struggle, but if you were having a "blast" in Iraq, then you need to listen to the HURT the human beings you wanted to swear an oath to protect feel seeing you knowing you instead chose to go "have a blast" with actual weapons on actual people overseas.

Think about this: While all of you were over there, what would your families do if a surprise attack were to happen at home?

Do you think people are angry because you are military? Or because you represent a person who CHOSE to sign up to help the modern US Corporate Controlled Government despite having Korea, Vietnam, and everything since to research to find out how you could best serve your family and people? A US Government that while trying to build a nation overseas continues to destroy the foundations of our own country at home.

It HURTS to see you in that uniform, and it HURTS to see blind respect EXPECTED because you wear one.

A doctor does not deserve respect because they are a doctor. They earn respect when they help those around them and closest to them heal and prosper. Sadly this is becoming rare too and many doctors think they deserve respect for being doctors despite many causing more harm than good in the long run.

When would it get bad enough that YOU would no longer respect someone who chooses to wear the uniform?

I respect your intent and regret there are many who can't express themselves to you less crudely, but you ARE helping to harm the very country you yearned to protect. You need to HEAR that and the universe is going to keep telling you that until you finally feel it in your heart.

Please help us. Here. At home. And not by militarizing our streets but by being a contributor to your community locally. When your uniform is off and you are standing shoulder to shoulder with your community, I assure you the treatment will be very different.

Best to you in your healing. Truly... if I could hug you right now I would give you the biggest hug I possibly could for as long as you could bear it.

I hope this is received with the pained love it comes from.

Really sounds like your SugarI-coating your experiences in Iraq.

You say "its not about the army, its about me"... So your over looking the fact its the Army that's altered your mind and personality. Hence your wife leaving you.

I am sorry for you.

But you need to recognise the route cause of your problem, you've been "brainwashed" (for want of a better word) into believing your only place is on TOUR.

People wonder why soldiers get criticised, and yet we all know that when you return from those God forsaken places- you are different men and women.

I've seen it with my own eyes, your exsperiencing it first hand, and you know others who feel the same.

Bloody hell, I was only in the pub the other week when an older friend of mine began telling me of the Faulkland war, before I knew it he had tears dripping on the bar crying out about how the Army had changed every fibre of his being, and not in any positive sense.

A fun loving lad I went to school with, went on his first tour to Afghanistan, came back a different kid.

The armys no good. Realise that, don't look back with rose tinted glasses and a nostalgic sense of "home".

Stay strong.