I was reviewing one of my older threads, one about how people with disorders are expected to survive a SHTF scenario, and it got me thinking.
I know a general bit about autism, bi-polar disorder, multiple personality disorder, and anxiety. Those are the issues all my friends have.
Just FYI, this post contains a good deal of my life's story. I want everyone to have a general grasp on my life, and maybe it will be easier to figure
out where this ED came from.
I have a questionable past, and I don't like to think about my family. I'm not sure why. I have some good memories of them, but I remember a lot of
bad things, images, and feelings from back when I was around them, so I usually don't give my past any real thought. I'm 19 now, and things are
But then, after thinking about my friends and their chances of survival in a SHTF scenario, I thought about my own.
My disorder doesn't make me act anything like the way my friends act when they have issues with their disorders.
In fact, I think I'm the only one with the dark thoughts I sometimes get. The only one in my friend circle, I mean.
When I lived with my father, I was threatening suicide. I have never been suicidal, and have never considered killing myself, but hollering suicide
was really the only way of getting my family to listen to me. I love being southern, don't get me wrong, but my family is the most backward,
mean-hearted family ever. They make me think of a redneck mafia. I got into physical fights with my father, and my cousins. I hated every one of them
more than I had ever hated anything. They all hated my mother, and rarely ever let me see her.
I remember hurting myself, cutting and punching glass frames just to shatter them. I have scars all over my knuckles from it. I grew a love for pain,
because, to me, pain was the only thing I knew I would always have.
I also remember being taken to a hospital--a normal hospital--and my dad wouldn't tell me why. It was my dad, stepmom, and cousins. Me and my stupid,
naive 13 year old self, thought "Oh, whatever. We're here for a good reason, or we wouldn't be here."
We all joked and laughed while watching Shin Chan in a hospital room.
Then, a doctor came in, whispered in my dad's ear, and left the room. They took me outside where a cop handcuffed me and told me to get in the back of
his car. I asked my dad, "Where am I going?"
I was hiding it, but I was furious.
He said "Think of it like a vacation."
So, I spent a week in the loony bin, where I was forcibly drugged with blue pills and diagnosed with ED. Emotional disturbance.
I don't remember it very clearly, the whole experience was like a bright dream. I remember that nearly everything was white, and I made some other
suicidal and disturbed friends.
If anything, it made me worse. I was enraged beyond measure, every minute, every hour, every day, and always hid it. If anything I was homicidal. I
HATED my father.
I finally escaped my dad's family when I was 15, and was able to live with my mother. That made me happier than anything. Still, family drama went on,
because my brother and sister still lived with my dad, so I had to deal with them on a regular basis. I ran away at age 17, a week before my birthday,
and managed to stay gone until I was 18. My mother and I were fighting horribly, and I couldn't take anymore. She had the cops after me, but I
managed. The day before my birthday, I received an email, telling me that my father and stepmom had put out a restraining order against me.
I was so, SO bewildered.
After the immediate anger left me, it dawned on me--my mother was finally able to afford a lawyer, and was about to apply for custody of my brother
They put the restraining order on me so that my brother and sister couldn't live with my mom.
So, naturally, I wasn't allowed home for a while.
Apparently, my stepmom's two oldest kids, my stepbrother, who I hated growing up because he was allowed to treat me like trash, and my step sister,
who is the nastiest, most pathetic excuse for a human being ever, and is probrably the only person alive I hate more than my stepmom, called the
police--just out of the blue, called 911 and told them I forced them to have sex with each other when they were little.
First of all--I would NEVER do something so morbidly disgusting. NEVER.
Secondly--I didn't get along with my step brother and sister growing up, but what kills me, is that over the year prior to this restraining order
stuff, I was actually able to play with them, laugh with them, cook for them, and everything... I was even texting my step sister occasionally. We
called each other "sis." I NEVER got along with them so well before! Never!!! Then, right after that, I get a restraining order forbiding me from
seeing my siblings and step siblings??? REALLY???
The thought of it makes me want to explode into vulgarities, but I'll be civil. *Ahem*
After I got a lawyer, we showed up to court, trying to get the restraining order lifted, and I accidently started crying in court. I missed my bro and
sis so much, and it just got to me. I never cry in front of people, ever.
After court was dismissed, my stepmom went on a rampage out in the hallway, screaming to her lawyers and everyone else within ear shot about how "MY
KIDS WERE ABUSED JUST LIKE I WAS ABUSED AND NOW IT'S ALL ABOUT HER??? **pointing down the hall at me** NO! F@#$ THAT! i WAS ABUSED WHEN i WAS LITTLE
AND ILL BE DAMNED IF MONSTERS LIKE HER WILL BE AROUND MY KIDS" yatta yatta.
It was a lot more vulgar than that, but I won't type it.
My mom and her lawyer had to hold me back. I swear, if it was anywhere other than a courthouse, I woulda killed her right then and there.
She tried to hold me in contempt--meaning, she tried to have me arrested for breaking the restraining order. I never broke the restraining order. Not
once. I stayed the nights at my friend's house, and sleeping out behind my school, like the law told me to, like a good little sheep.
Now that the restraining order is gone, my family acts as though it never happened. They look me in the eyes and ask me how I'm doing. I'm thinking,
My God, you have a lot of nerve to think you're good enough to look me in the eyes like an equal...
But now, the custody battle is about to begin, and since I'm a first-hand witness as to how life at my father's house is like, and I possess physical
evidence of how devastating that family is, I have to stick around. And, my father and stepmom, the ignorant hicks they are, have no clue what's about
to begin. They call me up sometimes to chat, and their voices make my stomach lurch. I have puked just from talking to them on two separate
But once my brother and sister don't live there anymore, they won't have their free money, they won't be able to buy ps3 games with my brother's
disability check, they won't call my brother and sister profane names and hit them with shoes, those step-siblings won't be able to bully them
anymore, and they will, for the first time, have none of their venomous tentacles intertwined with my life. I will FINALLY be free of them.
I will never forgive them for raising me the way they did, or for separating me from my brother and sister for a year.
I'm anticipating it, though... because once they get their court summon in the mail, they're gonna know who's side I'm on, and I'm gonna be on their
hit list again. They will harass and threaten me, and you know what?
edit on 3-10-2012 by XxNightAngelusxX because: Shut up and quit asking