posted on Oct, 1 2012 @ 06:26 AM
Let me see. Where should I start? Where can I start?
I'm twenty-one years of age, got no job, not attending school, no girlfriend, everyone I know and communicate with on a regular basis is under the
influence of marijuana at ALL TIMES (on a good day I'll see more than the three people I live with), my thoughts are usually plagued with simulated
violence and self created arguments which causes severe psychological discomfort, and everything I do is done alone.
Here is an overview of a typical day for me:
- Wake up after noon- I hate this part. If I'm lucky I'll remember the dream I had and this will impact my thoughts throughout the day and give me
hope that there might be something more out there. I might write something if a creative thought enters my mind. If I wake up depressed, I'll go back
to sleep. There is no hope if I wake up angry.
- After waking up I'll usually read in bed for an hour or so. This warms my brain for the long day of idle thinking that will surely follow. It also
gives me the satisfaction of feeling productive- this is a false feeling as I see almost no benefit in reading fiction; if there is any affect, it's
on the subconscious level.
- I'll usually cook a balanced breakfast of eggs, bacon, toast, and oats. Bear in mind, this happens around 3pm. If I don't feel up to cooking
anything, or the thought simply escapes my mind, I just won't eat.
- The next few hours are spent reading, sitting around with my roommates, looking for a job, sleeping, thinking and soon forgetting, cleaning house,
playing or bitching at the dog depending on my mood and what he's done, sitting around more, or exercising- i hate doing this, but it is occasionally
rewarding. Rarely I'll actually have an obligation to go out and do something- shopping, going to the bank to get rent money (I can't wait to do
this tomorrow, really), or I'll go for a drive to fulfill the need to get out of the house. Every few days- yes, every few days- I'll get on the
internet and end up lurking ATS if there are good threads, if not, research things of possible interest on Wikipedia; I do not social network.
- Repeat the previous bullet or look for food. By this time two of my roommates go to work- they deliver food- and the other is returning from the
- Some nights I'll go out and ride my bike or go for a run or both. I enjoy being outside at night because it's the only time the temperature is
bearable. Luckily for me, fall is afoot. If not, I'll read more, browse the net, look for jobs online, maybe play a video game, or hang out with the
mates. About once a week I'll drink- always alone- and play video games; I've tried reading, but it simply doesn't work.
- Continue being awake until I become unconscious around 4am or so.
Looking at it in words makes it look a lot worse than it feels, or does it? I don't know.
Sorry if this has been a bit off-topic, but I'm just trying to give y'all a bit of background information.
I would like to go back to school and genuinely make a difference in my life, the lives of the people that are close to me, and in society and the
world. The truth is I can't afford it. My parents want to get a loan, but I don't think it's worth it to inevitably pile debt on their shoulders so
I'll have the chance of possibly having a career.
I want to get a job and save my money for school and become self-sufficient. I want them to be proud of me without taking advantage of them to achieve
my goals. This seems unrealistic to me. Every job I've had has been obtained because of the people I've known and not by the merits of hard work,
consistency, reliability, or ambition that I KNOW I have. Every application is justifiably sent with little hope. If I truly want the job, I let them
know that I want the job. I leave most interviews in high hopes only to never hear from the employer. Another thing, it seems to me at least,
employers standards are too high. Almost every job opening I'm remotely interested in requires a minimum of one year of experience. These are usually
menial positions: restaurant staff, driver positions, county positions, etc.
Every problem I seem to have is compounded by our sterilized society. A society that labels everything and dehumanizes mankind to a piece of paper, or
a reference list, or an employment history, or a questionnaire, or a college transcript. This cannot be good for the collective consciousness of this
country. We are producing robots here. This has led me to become skeptical of almost anything structured, anything government related, anything
lawful, and even science related. Instead of structure, I favor chaos; something I never would have before I was cast into the real world.
The only solace I get in having such an ascetic lifestyle, one devoid of meaning, responsibility, satisfaction, and pleasure is that I'm not taking
part in this system. I pay rent and I buy alcohol, that's about it. And gas.
I do feel hopeless.