Listen pepsi - I don't know if it's nature or nurture, but neither does anyone else, mmmmkay? So show me how it's 'proven' that there's nothing
genetic about it - I can't say it is, or isn't - But I'll tell you how it happened for me, and even though I used to think this, I am NOT the only
one that felt this way, or went through this.
I'd never seen anything 'gay' when I was little, I was never molested when I was a kid, I didn't even know what "gay" meant - I'd heard older
kids call people 'faggot' before, but I just knew it was an insult akin to 'sissy or pansy'. I was never even aware that 2 men 'gettin it on'
was even a possibility, much less that it happened every day.
Neither was I aware of what straight people did - sexuality was never discussed where I grew up - I went to a private Christian school, went to church
every time the doors were open and if I wasn't at church or school, I was at my religious Grandmother's house. As far as what 'straight people'
did, if it wasn't on 'The Waltons' or 'Hee-Haw' or 'Dallas' or 'Dukes of Hazzard' then I didn't know about it- I'd seen people kiss before,
and I knew that Daisy Duke wore shorts that were "too short" for the women around here, and "just right" for the guys that liked to watch her.
I grew up knowing that men were supposed to make cat-calls at women, and that those magazines/VCR tapes at my uncle's house were full of pics of
naked women, but I was never curious to see them or ever cared about looking at a lady's shape or figure or to see what was underneath their clothes.
Once I was allowed to be part of the older kid's "clique", I eventually saw some of those VCR tapes, and I knew what the guys were looking at -
they talked about it, pointed out how it looked and how good it would feel to "get in that" - But I was not interested in the lady's body, I was
intrigued by what I saw on the guy. I liked his shape, where the hair was, the muscles and the way they changed shape while he was doing his thing to
that lady. I really couldn't tell you what the lady looked like, I was WAY too interested in the guy. I didn't know what he was doing, I just knew
that it was 'cool' to watch this tape, and we'd better not let the grown-ups know what we were doing - that was my job, being the lookout at the
window so we wouldn't get caught.
Now I never was into sports, or cars, or anything that required one to sweat or get dirty, but I was still allowed to 'hang out' with the guys
because I was a big guy, pretty manly looking, and I was allowed to do whatever I wanted to because my parents trusted me - BTW, I NEVER drank or
smoked or did anything illegal or immoral as a teenager, even though most of my peers had done it, or even did it frequently. Everyone's parents
trusted me, and I never broke anyone's trust. I was just a gentle giant that "didn't have a girlfriend because of his size and shyness."
As I saw my friends getting interested in girls, wanting to date, talking about girls with each other and bragging to other guys about how "far"
they got, I just went with the flow - I didn't feel left out, I just agreed with what they were saying - the whole time knowing that I didn't feel
that way or even wanted to. I knew I wanted to be with my guy friends, I didn't really think of them sexually, but I knew I wanted to be around guys
and not girls - I thought it was more of a 'best friends' kind of thing - When My friends would stay over, they had to stay in my room and I
remember being nervous because I knew what was going to happen as soon as it was 'lights out' - I would lay awake all night, confused as to why I
had an erection just because there was another guy laying in the bed beside me, I'd only had 'morning wood' before, and knew from hearing the other
guys talk that that was normal, but to just get an erection from laying down beside a guy? I didn't know what that was all about - I thought when
you got an erection, it meant it was time to have 'relations' with a woman and I knew from biology that it was for 'makin babies'.
I wanted to be attracted to girls - I wanted to fit in and do what the other guys were doing, but there was just no feeling there - I WAS not
attracted to the ladies, and the thought that I was actually attracted to the guys was just something I couldn't handle, I was afraid to admit it,
even to myself - I denied it to myself, and if asked, I would get VERY defensive about it - I mean, I'd never 'done' anything gay - so why would I
get questioned about it just because I didn't have a girlfriend? Could people tell? Did they already know and just wanted me to admit to it? I
didn't know, I just knew that identifying as gay would have meant social suicide - so I decided it would be best if I just never got involved with
anyone intimately or got in ANY kind of relationship - I didn't want to lie to a woman just so I could 'appear normal', that wouldn't have been
fair to her - and I just knew that If I ever pursued a same-sex relationship, I'd be an outcast - a 'sinner' - disowned by my family and abandoned
by my friends.
The loneliness got to be too much in college- I just felt like the only person left on earth, sure I had my roommates to talk to, but I couldn’t
tell them I was gay, and they had girlfriends and I couldn't always be a 'tag-along' - So I'd pray to god EVERY night, through angry, bitter tears
for him to just please make me normal - please make me 'straight' - please make it so I could be at least 50% attracted to boobies and 'kitty' and
the female shape. This went on for 3 years - I pretty much locked myself in my room, I never went out with my roommates, I couldn't concentrate on
school anymore so I dropped out of college and worked full time - When I wasn't at work, I was trying to sleep - trying to ignore the fun that my
roommates were having with parties and drinking and sex, crying in my room because I knew I couldn't be a part of that. EVERY waking moment was
filled with "I'll never be normal, I'll never fit in, what's the point in living, why keep going, tomorrow is just going to be a carbon copy of
today, and I wanted it to stop." Still, through all of that, nothing EVER made me attracted to ladies, or want to pretend to be. I knew what I was,
I knew I must keep it a secret, and I believed that letting anyone know would almost certainly mean death.
I kept it in till I was 28, and it was driving me crazy. I finally broke down in front of my best friend and said it - I said to another human-being
"I'm gay" - and I just knew that meant I'd lose him as a friend and that EVERYONE would know in a matter of days, but to actually say it to
someone, to say it out loud was such a relief - It felt like I'd had a 10 ton dump-truck on me and it had finally come off - To my surprise, my best
friend sat with me and comforted me and told me that it was OK and I was going to be alright - I felt so much better - I'd finally let someone know
and it wasn't the end of the world - My friend and his wife accepted me, they kept inviting me to their home and they were my family now - my chosen
family, Not the family that I had been assigned to that could NEVER accept a FAG in the family - It wouldn't have been 'acceptable' - it would
have 'shamed' them.
I finally worked up the courage to tell my Mother, she acted like she'd never suspected it and like it didn't bother her, but I could see that look
of heartbreak in her eyes, that pain that comes with realizing that someone’s expectations of you, their hopes for you, hopes of being happy and
having a regular life are now gone, beaten to a bloody pulp and never coming back to life. It was almost as if I had killed "her baby" and replaced
him with something empty, something she didn't recognize or ever want to recognize - and it crushed me, I knew I was responsible for causing my
mother pain, and the only thing that kept me from falling apart was knowing that it wasn't me that was causing this much pain, but the way society
had stigmatized homosexuals and conditioned people to think of homosexuality.
Do you think anyone would EVER choose to go through what you've just read? Do you think it's some kind of fad that's 'hip' and 'cool' ? -
Do you think people are seeing how we're treated and think "Hmmm, I'd like to get in on that" ?
For those that wonder where gays keep coming from (if it is genetic) We know we can't reproduce with each other, it's the stigma and peer pressure
that makes people pretend to be straight long enough that children are conceived and lives are built around someone pretending to be straight - just
so they won't have to deal with the way people treat gays.
We're not pedophiles, or rapists, or perverts - Some of us are, but not all of us - JUST LIKE STRAIGHT PEOPLE!!! Some straight people are sick,
twisted, evil beings, with no goodness in them at all - does that mean ALL straight people are like that? NO! . . . And If I said it did, and half
the worlds population agreed with me, and it was preached in church and debated in government, how would you feel? Seriously, as a straight person,
how would it make you feel if over half the world believed that you were going to hell and that you were a bad person, just because you were attracted
to the opposite sex? Can you answer it? Probably not - lucky bastards!
Also - We don't want to "turn" anyone into a homosexual, we just want people to feel free to admit it, stop hiding it, stop being afraid of what
you know to be the truth - If you are one, you know it, and if you're not, you know it too. Don't think that just because little Johnny is told
it's OK to be gay that he will want to be gay. But little Johnny needs to know that it's NOT OK to discriminate against people just because they
People pretend to be straight when they are afraid of what real straight people will do to them when/if they find out.
You like being feared? I'd hope not.