posted on Oct, 3 2012 @ 07:33 PM
I really do appreciate all those who have replied to this thread, and feel a strong kinship and sense of community here.
To be blunt, revisiting this thread is somewhat painful for me because tonight is a "good night"... In my world that means that I'm not fighting
off thoughts about electrical cords and carport support beams. Not trying to be melodramatic - but that is truly what a bad night is. Staving off
those thoughts. I am not suicidal - but am prone to what I suppose my therapist would call ideations.
I prefer to think of them as invasive attacks from my subconscious. "ideation" implies cooperation or deliberate generation, by definition. And in
my experience I neither generate nor cooperate with these thoughts. They appear and I beat them back down. It is unfortunate that, in my case, as I
imagine is the case with many others, sometimes the tools I use to beat these thoughts back down with end up being as destructive as the thoughts
would want them to be. Alcohol, medication, etc.
In my real life I have truly sequestered myself and live a very solitary life, for now. This is antithetical to how I spent the majority of my life.
I'm not a great looking guy, but I'm OK. I do possess a quick wit and a personality that seems to attract people. I know it sounds conceited but for
most of my life I was usually the center of attention in any group setting. Vanity would want to tell me that it was because I was special. I think
the honest truth is that my mental illnesses ( PTSD, Bipolar, and OCP) simply create a behavioral "soup" that allows me to be a bit more extroverted
and "eccentric" enough to be novel or appealing to others. The real life analog I can think of is Russel Brand - just minus the new age stuff. But
he and I have similar traits... skinny guys with a sense of humor and a certain something that seems to make people want to pay attention. At any
rate, that was who I "used to be". But for a few years now I've been more like a later in life Howard Hughes ( minus the money and jars of urine ).
I've kept to myself. Much of this has to do with the fact that I live in a relatively large town - but my ex was and is a very prominent figure here.
She knows just about everyone and just about everyone knows her or knows of her. I got sick of meeting new people and, after awhile, hearing the
words. "Oh, you're THAT John... the one who used to date...." so I stay inside for the time being.
This sounds pathetic, or tragic - and maybe it is to a degree. But I don't see it that way. The truth is that a few years ago I was an arrogant jerk.
I was conceited to a great degree. I was shallow. The end result was, oddly, that other people LOVED me but I HATED myself. Now that I've had a few
years of deep, and serious self reflection, the opposite is proving true. ATS, lately, is my only real "sounding board" but, judging from it, people
tend to dislike me, even as I learn to love myself more and more each day.
I'm sure someone with a deeper mind than mine could find some very profound philosophy in all that. If there is one to be had, I feel no desire to
explore it. It's a good night here, and I'm happy enough to just "be" and to thank this community for the support it provides me.
There are some truly wonderful human beings hiding behind the pixels of the ATS screens.
Thank you all.