An Insight Into Chemically Induced Depression

As I sit to write this it is nearly 11:30 at night and I've just finished watching a television show that, for many years was a ritual and staple of my normal life - a wresting show called Monday Night RAW. It used to e a running joke in my former social circles... my enthusiasms for such base entertainment. And a lot of good natured fun was poked at me for enjoying it so much. I had good friends back then... friends who would laugh at me for liking the show - but then who would also tape it for me on weeks when my work demands had me on the road on any given Monday night.

But that's not really what I came here to talk about tonight. I came to discuss depression. Not the type of depression one gets when their bank book falls a few bucks short on a tight month, or when their lover declares that it is time to move on. Not even the depression one feels when they stand in a manicured field, dressed in their best clothes, trying to hold it all together as they watch a box being lowered into the ground - fighting to hold back the emotions and at a loss as to ponder just how difficult it is to reconcile that the wooden box, before them could possibly have anything to do with the vital, living, beautiful human being who now rests, still and silent, within.

These situation depressions are powerful and have their own place and their own conversations. But, for tonight, I wish to discuss a different form of depression. The chemical kind.

Throughout my ATS career I have spoken openly about my psychiatric history... Primarily about my PTSD and my Bipolar disorder. This has caused me some grief. I have been judged a bit by a few people, seen my input summarily dismissed by rude people who find it easy to simply say "So says the crazy guy", rather than to debate the topic at hand. Once a member even contacted staff and requested that I be removed from staff and banned from the site based upon my open disclosure of a history of mental health issues. Most of these things did not affect me at all. Ninety-nine percent of the time I am as emotionally stable as most of you are - and, to be honest - more so than some who have never bothered to seek help for their issues. I have put myself out there, here on ATS and in my real life as well for a single reason. To educate people about the reality of mental illnesses. To educate enough that the blind stigma and instant judgment of folks like me might, one day, be as archaic as racial slurs are today. I am willing to accept the snap judgments and the cheap shots if it means furthering the cause. And I happily smile through all of it.

Tonight my perspective is different. Not my morals or my resolve. But my own body chemistry. Tonight, despite taking my medication as prescribed, I find myself in a state that most psychiatrists would refer to as a profound depression. I could, quite easily just go lay down, pull the covers up, turn off the lights, turn on my white noise machine, and lay there until I fall asleep. In fact that is, honestly, what every cell in my body is screaming for me to do. But I am refusing. I am refusing because I see an opportunity here to try and help those who do not suffer depression to see what it is like, in real time, from a person who really deals with it.

So I write - in spite of my own urges not to do so.

Trying to describe a true depression is, in and of itself, a very difficult think to do. It's not a feeling that most normal people would understand as s depression. I was not always this way and am blessed with the ability to compare the way I used to feel, when I was depressed ( in normal ways ) to how depression feels now. The closest thing I can summon as an analog is having a major case of the flu and getting fired from your job - both in the say day... Oh, and on one of those days when everything else seems to keep going on. It feels like being physically ill, weak, feverish, and also overwhelmed by life. But even that requires a caveat because, though I do feel totally overwhelmed, I cannot put my finger on a single issue that should be causing me to feel this way. There is no rational trigger or cause. It is just chemicals in my brain that are not in balance.

One might say that understand the cause is half the battle. Sometimes in life this is a very true approach. With chemical depression ( nor anxiety ) is it so. I can list off the "emotion" chemicals of the brain by rote. I can discuss exactly which areas of the brain they effect. I can even tell you which foods and natural plant products contain the ingredients that should right my woes. Chemicals obviously highly concentrated in my meds.

None of it helps.

A good starting point for trying to explain to the average person what this feels like is to take the flu example and expand. You've got flu and you'e got some substantial external stress making the flu feel that much worse. Now add in a sense of overwhelming boredom. A boredom that is a bit like a random food craving... you know, when you walk into the kitchen wanting something - but you can never quite figure out just what it is that you want? No matter how hard you search, nothing will do. Apply that quality of feeling to the flu/stressed/bored feeling. Now take all of that and imagine that you fell off of a ladder yesterday and, on top of all else, your body is aching all over and it feels like you got run over by a truck. Finally add in the feeling you get when you've been awake about 12 hours too long and your body is screaming for rest.

Throw all of that into a blender and you get what chemical depression feels like - at least in my case. It's a painful, demoralizing, inconsolable, exhausting, feeling of being sick and utterly disinterested in everything. And it is totally frustrating because I know damned well that there is no rational reason for it. And, yes, even in this state, I do possess my rational mind. Knowing that I've taken my meds is equally as frustrating as they should be preventing this - even as I know that, upon occasions, they simply fail to work.

All of the above comes together to create another symptom - loss of self-esteem. When one is smart enough to know that a thing should be controlled, and it isn't - that still, small voice in the head will whisper ugly things to you. It will tell you that you deserve this. It will tell you that it's all happening because you're too weak to master your own thoughts. It will repeat every hateful thing anyone has ever said to or about you and add "They were all right you know..."

All one can do is distract themselves and wait for their pills to kick in. By tomorrow morning I will likely wake up jovial, eager, and ready to begin my day. But, for tonight? It's the dark place and the hard times.

The reason I have posted this is that I know there are others on ATS with similar symptoms. Maybe not exactly the same - but their own versions of this and I want very much to show them that they do not have to be ashamed. They do not have to be quiet. And they are not alone.

And to offer this advice: Never contemplate permanent solutions to temporary problems. Don't let go, it will get better. I promise. And that is a promise made by a person far more infinitely qualified than even most professionals. These depressions are just speed bumps in the road of life and you can learn from them. Always force yourself to keep them in perspective.

And with that, I head to bed. Goodnight ATS

~Heff

Goodnight Heff. Thanks for writing the thread and I hope you do feel better in the morning.

And thanks for the reminder that it will get better because I know when you are "in the thick of it" it feels like this is it.

ETA: I was watching RAW too lol

reply to post by Hefficide


Dear Hefficide,

S&F. Sending you warm wishes. It is good that you talk about your issues, I am sure that it will help someone. I hope you feel better soon, just remember you matter and everyone matters.

reply to post by Hefficide


Goodnight Hefficide,

I hope you feel better in the morning. I can tell you are a wonderful and caring person, even spirited by your posts. I look forward to reading your comments when I see them. Sweet dreams.

reply to post by Hefficide


Ain't nothing like the real thing Heff. Is that the source of your username (at least the "cide") part? I also suffer acute depression, and have for at least 40 of my 52 years. There are other issues as well, and it definitely affects my life. The up side however is that it usually puts me around those weaker than myself, whom I am able to strengthen. Perhaps like many of us, your "curse" is truly your gift. Maybe it's just a matter of perception (or self-perception). Good luck with it man; I definitely feel you...

Goodnight Heff, the creator has a path for all, don't loose your step.

I too can relate with this pain of emptiness,boredom,loneliness, all mixed together inside and nothing will seem to ease this emotional pain. This type of boredom is like a hunger as you stated that can't be filled even though the food may be there in presence of yourself and nothing will do. I search for something to do but nothing interests me or motivates me to actually do anything at all which society would consider 'fun'. Go to the bar one might say, go to the clubs, go to the movies... I go to the bar and then realize I'm living the same life I oppose to live. Go to the clubs ? For what ? The negativity generated within the clubs is enormous, a mass group waiting and hoping to get laid at the end of the night, drugs and lack of spiritual awareness. Go to the movies... I barely watch anything at all. I can't even recall when was the last time I sat down in front of the television.

This boredom has killed my motivation to play guitar after 8 years, I used to ride my bike for hours on end since I was a young teenager and now it collects dust most of the time. I purchased myself a mustang recently and with no one to ride along side with me nor do I even have the urge to drive it around. I don't know what I am searching for but something struck my mind as of recent and it was, family. I recently turned 24 and for quite some time I've always said to myself I wish I had a child to call my own, a beautiful mother to share our gift together with. I have no one and if it is the Lords will then so be it. I've realized this world will not accept you if you truly accept the divine creator within your heart because no one will understand why you think the way you do nor act how you do unless their minds are with the Lord. My creator is all that I have to righteously serve, no one else.

My thoughts are creative and I wish to be with someone but I can not create a relationship. I can only follow the steps to be in one. I can not force nor change ones mind of me to love me and that is because the Lord gave everyone the gift of free will. Free will to do as they please whether it involves you or not and I respect that. So hence I am alone and bored with a boredom that I can't resolve. At times there is temporary relief but I am still ultimately plagued. This time will pass but when ? Your time of illness will pass too Heff. As you stated, "These depressions are just speed bumps in the road of life and you can learn from them." Be strong spiritually, learn that you are not alone and I encourage to sway away from the medications. They call you names that you are of this and that and that you do have problems and try to sell you a solution, in the eyes of the divine creator you are perfect. Your spirit will strengthen you. Take care and think#

First and foremost, I would like to extend my most heartfelt best wishes for you and your struggle. I have no wish whatsoever to call any attention to myself, but I have spent the entirety of the past three and a half years in the same condition. I have lost friends, lost relationships with family, most likely lost my career, and even lost my own perspective on many things.

I found that the fact that I could not participate in life or be productive in society, I could usually find at least a modicum of solace through my wife's loving understanding. Still, even her longsuffering only served to feed the depression by adding guilt to the already boiling cauldron. Having endured so much of other's displeasure at me being incorrectly misdirected at her, I find it amazing she hasn't run for the hills.

Let me stop here because it is clear I am not as strong as you. Knowing your plight first hand, however, you should know that at least one person (myself) will be able to strive towards your example and, as they say, "try to chew through the restraints" again tomorrow. Thank you for sharing such intensely personal information and in so doing helping those of us who needed to hear your message.

reply to post by yeshuaislord

My situation is more similar to yours than to Heff's. I have very few friends with common interests, and spend most of my social time with just my family and wife. The fact that we are different is in no way a bad thing, but it is a lonely ride.

My suggestion to you and others with this same "problem" is to join or create a ministry which visits those less fortunate. By this I mean Children's Hospitals, Retirement Homes, or even Jails/Prisons. These people will appreciate the time, and will love to hear the guitar music and/or singing.

There are those who need us (yes, us) to fill these positions, and they are very gratifying positions I assure you. You do have a purpose and perhaps have just not found it. Relationships will come, believe me. As boring as I am, I have been married most of my life to three different women, two of which spent the rest of their lives with me (twice-widowed).

I wish you many wonderful days ahead my friend, in the name of Jesus. As your relationship with Him also grows, you will find that He has many wonderful things in store for you. They are however, different than what most are looking for. Those of us who are "different" are that way for a reason, and the reason will soon become apparent.

reply to post by samstone11

I find many similarities with your situation as well. I did some time in prison for the "green leaf" at the worst possible (seemingly) time in my life. My first wife of twenty years was home struggling with breast cancer during those 13.5 months. She died 120 days after my release. It was a very hard thing to deal with.

I had previous experience with meditation, and decided to give it a go while incarcerated. In meditation I asked "How do I find the strength I need to deal with this?" The answer was given as this: "To find strength (like all things), you must first be willing to give it away. It is a universal law."

I found another guy also locked up, but facing more serious time than myself. He was 19 years old when I met him, but had already been locked up for two years waiting to go to trial. He was facing 15 years for statutory rape (which he was subsequently given). I began to teach him about spiritual things including meditation, and to encourage him as best I could. In doing this, I was able to find the strength I needed to deal with my own situation, and the entire ordeal was very rewarding. In essence, I took the worst thing that ever happened to me, and made it one of the best. It's like the lemons/lemonade cliche.

Life is hard; you will cry, you will torture yourself with guilt and anger... these things are a given. The key to overcoming them is perception. The more negativity you attribute to your perception of things will make the situation more negative. The opposite is also true.

If you haven't tried meditation, maybe it's time. It is the lonely man's friend for sure. In meditation, some say you will find God; some say the higher self. Whatever it is, learn to trust the advice and you will grow exponentially. There is much wisdom in the old ways...

Perhaps this poem will help some of you find strength in yourselves. I wrote it in prison as a part of a series of such poetry. It is a simple poem from my private blog, published and copywritten...

“The Gifts”

*

The path began to narrow

Michael gave a crooked smile

And there beneath the ancient oaks

He stopped to rest awhile

And as he played a lofty tune

Reflecting on his past

The answers to his questions

Were revealed to him at last

The gifts we take for granted

Are the tools that God has shared

The leverage we’ve needed

For the burdens that we’ve dared

The Piper’s tears began to fall

From eyes no longer blind

The help he often prayed for

Had been given all the time

So there beneath the ancient oaks

Along the path he’d taken

He played a song of praises

For the gifts that he’d forsaken

And once upon his way again

His load felt somewhat lighter

He smiled another crooked smile

The future looked much brighter

*

You should be able to figure out that the path narrowing was the incarceration, the ancient oaks were the bars and walls, and the pipe was figurative of meditation. The character "The Piper Michael", has inherited a "magical" musical instrument which takes him into a deep meditative state, where he seeks answers to his life problems...

I finally beat the depression gene. Killed it with my bare hands. Never again will it darken my mindset. I won.

If you want to know how to do it, give me a shout. But I suspect that like so many others (and I was one of them too, luv) you don't really want your depression to leave you forever. It's your Precious.

Hope to hear from you.

FISH OIL.

take fish oil, it has quite a few mental health benefits.

FISH OIL

I know where you're coming from Heff. I wont say I know how you feel because I truely don't believe anyone.. ANYONE can know how another feels.

I like to call depression a state of existing rather than living.

Those who have never been depressed, truely depressed that is, I think find it hard to comprehend what we mean. It's not "feeling a bit down" as I've heard soooooo many times. I've been in hospital on 15 minute suicide watch.

Things is, yes, I spend most of my working day laughing and joking and to most people I appear to be a happy chappy but in reality I'm depressed as hell. I long for death but I don't want to kill myself. I want an end to what seems like an endless nightmare. Every move I make feels like a ton weight to my muscles.

More and more now I notice that I don't "feel" anything for anything... I am almost literally a zombie.

I think it helps to know that others out there really do understand.

Thanks for replying folks!

As predicted, I do feel much better today. I knew that I would. My desire was to try and capture the essence of what true, chemical depression looks likes - as many, many people lack an understanding. They have media based preconceptions that are usually derogatory and misinformation. I wanted to show that a depressed person can be lucid, and it isn't just an "emo" thing at all.


reply to post by visualmiscreant


In a roundabout way the "icide" is representative with my mental health wars. "Heff" is the first four letters of my last name. But the message isn't self-destruction. It is the opposite.

In real life more people call me "Heff" than by my Christian name. When I first came to the Internet, a very long time ago - I just stuck with it and used the Internet handle "Heff".

During my twenties and into my thirties I was pretty much a party person. I rocker guy who drank too much, womanized, got into a lot of bar fights, cheated on girlfriends, etc. I was actually a really popular dude, but as time passed, I learned to really dislike who I had become. So one day I decided to start cleaning up my act. In real life I couldn't change my own name - well I could but wouldn't want to as my fathers only son... but online I could. So it is a symbolic name, Hefficide... it was me killing off that arrogant and violent kid called "Heff".

Silly, I know - but it seemed deep to me then, and it stuck as a name.

reply to post by Gwampo


I'd love to try that, unfortunately I have a severe allergy to shellfish - one so extreme that my doctor has forbidden me from eating fish in any form. The last reaction I had to a seafood product nearly killed me.

~Heff

reply to post by CosmicEgg

I've been reading Terence and Dennis McKenna's "The Invisible Landscape" which I recently downloaded in PDF form. They speak of a Shaman as "The self-healed madman", who has suffered from mental illness and healed himself. They say that once healed, this "Shaman" gains the ability to heal others.

Dropping all preconceived ideas about Shamanism, your situation sounds very similar and I have to wonder; have you been able to help others with their mental ailments since you've overcome your own? They say this self-healing is somewhat of a supernatural act, which is only the first of many which may be performed subsequently.

Please don't be freaked out by the question; it's one I could never have posed until reading "Landscape"...

reply to post by visualmiscreant


I've helped a LOT of other people. For many years I was the lead in a weekly group therapy session at my local mental health clinic.

I've also ( upon request ) given classes to local police on how to deal with the mentally ill and how to better understand them.

I have what apparently is an uncommon blessing. I can get outside of myself and see the irrational from a rational POV. It doesn't help all of the time but it does allow me to analyze and understand. That's why I forced myself to post this thread last night. Because I wanted to try and describe an irrational depression in a rational way, hoping it might help to educate those who aren't depressed, but might have a friend or relative who suffers.

Regarding the PDF you mentioned, I think I might Google it and give it a read!

~Heff

ETA: I replied without even realizing you were speaking to Eggy!

Oh well, I'll let it stand as I think it's applicable.

reply to post by Hefficide


It's great that you speak out. I can empathise as I have been prone to depression and I agree with you that it is difficult to describe. The name I gave it was the dark place because for me - there was no light no energy no Spirit it was as if someone pulled the plug out of the bath and all my vitality just drained away.

The worst part is that it sneaks up and it has you before you realise. I am currently in an incredibly stressful situation - stressors being provided by others so I cannot control them - but do my best. Now I swear to you that since I stopped drinking fluoridated water - no more dark place/depression. I have told my doctor.

Truly the situation I am in would test anyone and by that standard I should be listless and without a positive thought and no energy etcetera. I even put bottled water in my kettle for coffee - after months of use the inside of the kettle still looks brand new. I also take vitamins and have upped my dose of Vitamin B3 as per Dr Abram Hoffer.

Stay strong and fight the darkness - you are not alone.

Much Peace...

In my opinion you need to take anti anxiety treatment,start regular exercise and adopt
cognitive behaviour.it is helpful for you.

reply to post by steverock


Already do all of the above! , therapy, regular exercise, alprazolam, Trazodone, and I keep a close eye on my diet regarding sugar intake, HFCs, and caffeine!

Thanks for tabling that! Imporant info that I have failed to mention thusfar.

And if you're curious, the alprazolam is in a rotation with klonopin so avoid addiction. I take these options because my system doesn't handle SSRI's and trying to give them a chance has landed me in the hospital ( the regular kind ) for three day stays, twice.

~Heff

reply to post by visualmiscreant


No one has yet asked for my help. When they do, I most certainly will do my utmost to provide whatever I know to be right to promote their well-being.

Your mentioning that it reminds you of the McKennas' observations is not in the least upsetting to me. I have been told for years now by people who can see such things that my aura is huge and green, that I'm a healer and always have been. As you surely know too, we're here to remember who we are. I guess this is one way that I've remembered that part of me.

The one thing I've noticed about virtually all illness is that they are all metaphysically aligned with a person's soul issues. Many illnesses, such as mental or auto-immune diseases, are actually quite easy to heal but are only made difficult by the mindset of the person themselves.

If anyone feels they are ready to explore this and themselves, I'm often here - much more than I like, in fact. Please do feel free to message me.