Need advice

Hi ATS, I have a problem and I figured I would bring it to the attention of some of the most brilliant people I know.

I have a situation with my wife of 10 years. To explain it properly I have to get into a brief history.
We have been married for 10 years and almost the entire time I have been employed in the military while she was a stay at home mom. During this time, I have been the sole earner in our relationship. Knowing how that
Can be hard on someone relying on you me for all life's necessitys, I made sure to never rub it in. I actually let her handle all the finances due to deployments and not being home much.

After 10 years in the military, I was put on disabled retired list and I get monthly disability checks from the military(government). So yes I am one of the 47% lol.
My wife started working because we couldn't live on my pay alone and she managed to score a more than decent sales job within the company and is now earning pretty good money.

So here is the situation that came up, she went to get her hair done yesterday and while it looks great, it costed $240 when all the other times it only costed $100. She makes decent money but we are in no way rich or even close to it. I said to her that she would have never paid that much 6 months ago. And she replied, are you telling me what to do with MY MONEY. I have never said anything like that to her when she made no money and pointed out that whatever I made was her money too. I feel like I may have created a monster. In the 4 months she has been at her job she has felt indestructable and frankly hasn't cared for my feelings.

I don't want this to be the beginning of the end but feel we are heading down that path and it makes me sick to my stomach. Also, I earn an okay amount of money at an apprenticeship job on top of my military retired pay so I'm not that far off from her.

She now wants to get separate accounts and split everything down the middle. That bothers me because we have always said everything we make is ours, well until it became hers only. I fear that she is changing while I'm staying the same. Also since she started earning money she has been threatening me with things like I won't pay your car payment while at the same time she forgets that I pay rent which is 4 times as much as a car payment. It's like she has become delusional. Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Wow. 240 for a haircut? I pay my hair dresser twenty bucks.

Sounds like you need to have a serious talk. Explain to her how you feel, but try not to make it sound like an attack. In other words, don't accuse ( you spend too much money) but collaborate ( I'm worried about OUR finances and think WE should decide together on an appropriate budget.). Does that make sense?

My guess is that there's more to this than money, though. If I read your post right, this is the first time in ten years youve really lived together. I would guess that's a difficult adjustment for you both. If she's been so independent for the last ten years, she maybe trying to regain some of that independence by separating herself from you. Maybe seeing a therapist is in order?

Good luck, my friend. If you ever need to talk, u2u me. Always willing to listen.

Sorry, but I would get rid of her.

I hate to say that, but it's the truth.


I supported my x husband for 13 years and the jerk didn't find a damn job until after we separated. He figured he never owned me damn dime after paying for his pilot training, and paying all his damn debts and parking tickets from before we got married, which caught up to him later and all the houses that we lived at.

He tried to steal my house that I paid for, the 1969 GTO that I bought, the wedding rings and the blah blah.

Not worth it.

Cheaper being single if you ask me.

He found another sugar mama and she most likely is paying for his crap now.

If she wants to pull that garbage, then throw it in her face how ungrateful she been since you have been supporting her.

Turn the tables around.

And really stick it to her and give her a bill for your services of time.

People like her annoy me.

reply to post by Flyzoid


its a slippery slope, i was the bread winner for 8 years and while my ex did work i always made more and was the one that went out and got extra jobs when we needed money. not to mention taking care of our children 10 hours a day while she worked(i had the night work shift). my my lack of sleep made me sick and tired mentally and physically more often than not. I foresaw that if i keep going on that schedule it would be the end of me, so i quit and and started making a couple 100 dollars less a month(but no benefits) than i was making before, but was still able to be with our little ones during the day. so now all the sudden she makes more than i and leaves because im not providing anymore. greedy chicks are lame is my point, and maybe she wasn't greedy when u met, or she didn't indicate that she was, but i see this ending badly for u sorry man.

Yea, that comment of hers was completely uncalled for.

You need to explain, that after ten years of you being the provider, with her having equal say where the money went, the same applies in this role reversal.

Are you sure that the only issue? I'm not saying you are, but some men can have a hard time dealing with role reversals also, like the sence of being emascualted..?

reply to post by smyleegrl


Yes $240 is a lot of money and yep, if somebody charged her that 6 months ago her jaw would drop.
It feels like there may be more to this than money. I think she is growing apart from me but I'm the same.
I don't mind doing the separate accounts thing, but I believe this will just make it worse. I don't spend much money so my money will just sit there while she will be spending hers. She's very good at turning things against me
And I know I'm not perfect but when I make a valid point she rejects it and inserts her own reality.

I've only done three deployments in ten years and the rest of the time I've been home. This independence is new to
Her and she may be feeling like I'm slowing her down.

I only wish I did have separate accounts when I met my x husband. If I did that before, I wouldn't have been left high and dry.

He wiped my account clean and he tried to take everything that I bought with him.

Which is what she is planning to do.

Get the separate accounts now.

Also, visit every lawyer in town and get a consul because if you don't and she does it first, none of them will represent you, because if the x meets with them first, it's a conflict of interest and they won't represent you.

reply to post by Sinny


Yeah I know about the whole emasculation thing and it's not that. I already asked myself that question and I know it's not that. She has only been working that job 4 months and has only earned three good paychecks from it. It's not like she has been supporting me for 6 years while I did nothing. And I still bring in a good amount of money but she fails to realize that. Like I said I've been paying rent for....... Ever but the last 2 paychecks she has Gotten, she has had to pay my car payment with that. And has used it against me? But at the same time can't seem to remember that I paid the rent

Maybe she was like that for 10 years and I never knew about it?

reply to post by Manhater


Arr, that's the first bit of personal history I've seen "Manhater" disclose

Originally posted by Sinny
reply to post by Manhater

 

Arr, that's the first bit of personal history I've seen "Manhater" disclose

Liar, I already disclosed my sister and my niece.

I'm not shy, and I don't care. When I die, no one will remember, and hopefully someone will learn from my experiences. Least I left something in this world.

I have money.. and I dont pay that much for my hair.


Im no expert, but Ive been married a LONG time. My husband was a marine, now ex combat vet (Gulf) and works for the feds. I quit my career a while back due to one of the kids needing more care and a liver transplant. I made well more than him when he was active. Long deployments and etc. Your wife is disrespectful and needs an attitude adjustment. A marriage is like being on a team but held to a contract. This goes both ways.. you too. There is no his, hers, separate this or that when one makes more or etc.. **unless** you agreed upon that when you made the contract/marriage. She has changed the terms of the contract unilaterally.. without negotiation and agreement. That would piss me off if I were you . When we make huge changes.. we speak to eachother. When SHTF.. we get together and come up with a battle plan. Thats what usually makes a comfortable union. WHen hard feelings and feelings of betrayal start in a marriage and one partner doesnt really care.. well, thats just not much of a marriage, less than that a loving one.

I guess at this point you can speak with her.. frankly and openly. If she gets riled up and refuses to hear her partners side.. well, it very may well be the begining of the end and you might be thankful its happening NOW and not in 10 more yrs. She seems to be putting her eggs in the basket, you might want to consider that as well.

Let it slide, let her pamper herself, you cannot undo what was done.

If you love her, now is the time to reconnect with that love and rekindle a dying fire.
Sometimes love and relationships are a lot of work, and if we do not do the things that keep us close to the others heart, they will slowly slip away without even realizing it.

This is not about money, it is about something deeper.
Take her out with her new hairdo and let her show off her $240 head.
Have some fun with your wife and relax
Peace.

OP.. forget what I said.. listen to DarkBlade. If that fails.. THEN listen to me.

I know this thread is probably going to go in the deep dark vaults of ATS but I want to say this.
I am not ready to just give up or go talk to lawyers or other suggestions that were sent my way.

I am ready to work this out. From my 10 years spent in the military I have learned that
There are no problems that can't be worked out if taken care of early on. So I am going to take this
Experience I have and use it to work out my problems with my wife. If she wants to spend $240 on her hair then so be it. And I when she pays half of everything with me it should knock her down a couple of notches because she has forgotten about how much rent is lol. I will go back to my cool calm and relaxed demeanor and give her short and soft answers because there is nothing better somebody calm beating out someone irate.

And furthermore, if this is not just about money and about other things maybe in my control or maybe out of my control and she feels that the grass is greener on the other side then I will let her go.

But I will never let her return that's for sure. It's kind of a yin yang type thing. I'm willing to do 50 years but not afraid to be done in a day. Best of both worlds. Thank you very much for the advice guys.

And manhater. I'm sorry that you got burned so badly. Not every man is like that I promise. I hope you will make a full recovery and one day trust someone enough to let them have your heart. I feel very badly for you but I feel your advice is fueled by rage

reply to post by Advantage


Okay thanks for the advice, I am going to work things out. I def. don't want to elevate the situation. I was almost ready to but backed out because I read dark blades advice right before my wife called a few seconds earlier and it would have been WW3. Thanks to technology (iPhone) I was able to catch his advice before she called lol.

Originally posted by Flyzoid
And furthermore, if this is not just about money and about other things maybe in my control or maybe out of my control and she feels that the grass is greener on the other side then I will let her go.

Do not throw that in her face.
She is exercising her right to treat herself to something special. If she is anything like my wife, that would be a warning shot across your bow.
Yeah, that's a lot for a haircut but it is only money, and money is a temporary thing, you won't be homeless because of it. Love is eternal.
Just remember, words are a lot more powerful than people realize.
They can create scars that will never heal.

I'm glad this is a problem you wish to work out, because there is no doubt it can be worked out.
I still say you need to take her out and enjoy each others company.

reply to post by Darkblade71


I understand what you say about words being powerful and can leave scars.
Trust me, with my wife I have plenty of scars. I just don't understand the hypocrisy with her.
She spends $240 on a haircut but gets angry at me for spending $10 in the store because I wanted insoles for
My workboots. That I do not understand. I am a man of little wants. Shopping is not my forte. I don't wear any jewelry. No watches. I have the same clothes for 6 years and no want for anything really. I would love to go to dinner with my wife but that wouldn't be something she would want to do?? So am becoming a bit confused about your advice

reply to post by Darkblade71


I would not say that to her. I would let her make that decision herself.
She knows what she wants and if that's what she wants then that is fine with me.

Oh yes I forgot to say that we struggle to get by every month because of purchases like her haircut.
She is not good with money and I've been dealing with it for years

reply to post by Manhater


Hey! Ill remember