Islamic Jokes (I think this is worth the look.)

For whatever reason, I decided to find some Islamic jokes. I stumbled upon the website Islamcan. www.islamcan.com... About themselves, they write:

IslamCan.com started out as a small site back in October 2001. Since then, it has grown to become one of the most visited Islamic sites on the net. The developers of the site adhere to the teachings of the Quran and Sunnah. We do not belong to any particular sect and simply like to call ourselves Muslims.

It looked legitimate to me, so I checked their joke page. They have 12 jokes, many, if not most, of which are old jokes told with "Imam" replacing "priest," etc.

I would like to give you three of their jokes that seem to be truly Islamic.

An old woman came to the Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) and said: "O Messenger of Allah, pray to Allah (subhanahu wa ta`ala) that I will enter Paradise." He said jokingly, "O Mother of So-and-so, no old women will enter Paradise." The old woman went away crying, so the Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) said, "Tell her that she will not enter Paradise as an old woman, for Allah (subhanahu wa ta`ala) says: (We have created [their Companions] of special creation, and made them virgin-pure [and undefiled]) (Qur'an 56:35-36)." Reported by al-Tirmidhi, it is hasan because of the existence of corroborating reports.


True Incident: The incident took place in South Asia. A man was offering salah in his house. He was praying as fast as he could as many of us do. All of a sudden, he heard the door behind him open. Since, someone entered the room, he started making his ruku and sujud longer. Upon completion of the salah, he looked back to see who it was. To his amazement, it was a dog!



True Incident: A young man in a village refused to believe that Allah has total control of everything. He claimed that Allah cannot make him eat food if he didn't want to eat. To prove his point, he decided to stay hungry for a day and see if Allah can make him eat. His mother tried her best to stop this foolishness but he paid no attention. Annoyed of his mother in the evening, he decided to climb a tree and isolate himself there. Being compassionate, his mother decided to leave the food under the tree incase her son finally gives up and wants to eat. When the night fell, a group of robbers were passing by that tree. They noticed a plate of delicious food placed under the tree. They looked at each other in amazement and thought that someone must be playing a trick on them. May be someone is trying to poison them with good food. They looked around to see if there was anyone nearby and noticed the young man on top of the tree. The robbers got him down and told him to eat the food to see if it is poisoned. But the young man refused to eat as he is still carrying on his challenge against Allah. The robbers became suspicious and started beating the young man to eat. He gave up and started eating. Seeing that the food was not poisoned, the robbers left him and went away. Finally, the young man admitted that yes, Allah has total control of everything!

Please tell me which one you like best, and if you have a particular reason, I'd like to know that too.

I have to admit I was inspired, so I wrote a few of my own. They're probably not as funny, but I can't help it.

Ali sat in his tent with his water pipe resting on a pile of dynamite. A friend walked by and, upon seeing the odd arrangement, asked Ali what was going on. Ali said "They said they need some suicide bongers, didn't they?"

A very young teenage girl was walking back and forth in her village, carrying rocks and stones which made a larger and large pile in the town square. Soon it was larger than any rock pile the father had ever seen, and he asked his daughter about it. With laughing eyes, and a huge grin, she said "Daddy, don't you know that 'everybody must get stoned?'" With that, her father killed her. "She knew she shouldn't be listening to Western music," he muttered as he walked away.

A Catholic, a Muslim, and a Jew walked into a bar. The Catholic ordered Irish Whisky, the Jew ordered sweet, red, wine, and the Muslim ordered . . . Gunfire dropped the Muslim where he stood as the morality police nodded to themselves. Then they shot the Jew, then the Catholic, then they called in bulldozers to level the bar. "Can't have any of that going on, can we? they said as they walked away.

But if my jokes don't seem funny, it may be because I'm not following the rules of joking in Islam. Yeah, that's right. Here's a partial list:

Rules of Joking in Islam

Some people joke too much and it becomes a habit for them. This is the opposite of the serious nature which is the characteristic of the believers. Joking is a break, a rest from ongoing seriousness and striving; it is a little relaxation for the soul. ‘Umar ibn ‘Abd al-‘Azeez (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “Fear joking, for it is folly and generates grudges.”

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Do not laugh too much, for laughing too much deadens the heart.” (Saheeh al-Jaami’, 7312)

‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “Whoever laughs too much or jokes too much loses respect, and whoever persists in doing something will be known for it.”

So beware of joking, for it “causes a person to lose face after he was thought of as respectable, and it brings him humiliation after esteem.”

A man said to Sufyaan ibn ‘Uyaynah (may Allaah be pleased with him), “Joking is not right, it is to be denounced.” He replied, “Rather it is Sunnah, but only for those who know how to do it and do it at the appropriate time.”

Nowadays, although the ummah needs to increase the love between its individual members and to relieve itself of boredom, it has gone too far with regard to relaxation, laughter and jokes. This has become a habit which fills their gatherings and wastes their time, so their lives are wasted and their newspapers are filled with jokes and trivia.

It is conventional wisdom that you can tell a lot about a people by their jokes, songs, art, and manners.

I want you to draw your own conclusions, rather than express my own. Of course, I'm an old guy, don't have all that much to live for, so maybe I could express my opinion. We'll see.

With respect,
Charles1952

In the middle east a water pipe is called a hooka not a bong. And your title is misleading it isn't worth a look because it seems this thread is a sad attempt at mocking a religion you clearly are biased against.

Jokes are jokes, but let's make sure this doesn't get out of hand from any other butthurt ATS members lol.
2nd

Originally posted by buster2010
In the middle east a water pipe is called a hooka not a bong. And your title is misleading it isn't worth a look because it seems this thread is a sad attempt at mocking a religion you clearly are biased against.

Did you even go to the site?

This is the first joke at the top:

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.

reply to post by buster2010

Dear buster2010,

Thanks for clearing up the terminology. I have never (believe it or not) used an illegal drug, so my understanding of that language is meager. Besides "suicide hooka user" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Let me tell you honestly what I was thinking when I pulled this together. There have been a lot of words thrown around, how nobody should kill over an insult. I was seeing things in the Middle East that made me wonder what kind of people Muslims in that area are. I was hoping that some Islamic jokes would lighten things up and show that we're all just human.

Islamcan was the first answer when I looked for "Islamic Jokes." I read through the 12 jokes and saw there were two kinds, One group I had seen before in other contexts, and the others which made no sense to me at all. Then I scrolled down the page and saw that there were rules for joking. Somewhere around there, I started to get the feeling that this is an entirely different group of people from anyone I've ever known. We just don't think alike.

So, thinking that Islamic humor hadn't been discussed on ATS, I assembled the pieces and put it up.

Believe it or not, my primary purpose after seeing that website was to show how strange, how alien is the Islamic sense of humor, at least as displayed on this site. Please, if you have something that looks like it might show we're all the same, post it, or U2U me. It's harder to destroy people you have empathy with. So if you want to, help to build that bridge.

With respect,
Charles1952

reply to post by charles1952


Infidel...Infidel...Infidel!

Allah will make you pay for your "jokes"!

reply to post by charles1952
I agree.

That is if their 'humor' really even is humor. If it is, it is certainly alien to me.
ETA : if that is as much fun as life gets for Muslims, maybe I can understand why they like to behead the rest of us....maybe they are jealous?

A journalist goes to Iraq and is surprised to see that the local men allow their wives to walk in front of them. The journalist approaches a local and says, "I thought the custom in Islamic countries was for wives to walk ten paces behind their husbands?"

"It was," replied the local, "But that all changed with the war."

"How did the war change things?" The journalist inquired.

The local replied, "Land mines."

reply to post by KaiserSoze

Dear KaiserSoze,

Wonderful, thank you. Of course, you know that the feminists won't be too happy about that joke, but you've got to take a risk now and then.

With respect,
Charles1952

Originally posted by charles1952
reply to post by KaiserSoze

 

Dear KaiserSoze,

Wonderful, thank you.

Of course, you know that the feminists won't be too happy about that joke, but you've got to take a risk now and then.

With respect,
Charles1952

From what I hear, they don't allow feminists in islamic countries. Of course that all may have changed since we brought them all that democracy and such.

Just to keep thing balanced, A plane is hijacked by some Islamic terrorists. "IN THE NAME OF ALLAH WE WILL CRASH THIS PLANE AND KILL YOU ALL!" the leader says.

He feels a tug on his shirt from a passenger, Its a Vicar. "Excuse me, could you delay our deaths for a few minutes just so I can pray and whatnot, you're a religious man, I'm sure you can appreciate that?" he says.

"Arghh, very well. Fly around for five more minutes, and then, WE CRASH PLANE!"

So the plane is flown around for five more minutes. "WE WILL CRASH PLANE NOW!" the terrorist exclaims. Someone raises their hand in the air. Its a Buddhist monk. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" the terrorist yells.

"Could you maybe fly around for another 5 minutes maybe? I just want to meditate and pray and whatnot to prepare myself for the next life. You're a religious man, I'm sure you appreciate that?" he asks. "Very well, FIVE MORE MINUTES ONLY!" the terrorists yells.

After five more minutes, the terrorists announces he will crash the plane. Then another person puts his hand up. Its a Jewish Rabbi. "WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?!" the terrorist yells.

The Rabbi asks, "Are we getting extra air miles for this?"

reply to post by KaiserSoze

Dear KaiserSoze,

I started this thread, so I suppose I feel responsible for it in some way. It may be just me, but the "sheet" joke wasn't quite the way I wanted to go. It wasn't my intention to have jokes insulting to Muslims, I was more interested in noticing what appears to be the huge difference between us.

Then you gave us the "land mine" joke and I could see that as something a Middle-Eastern Muslim might say, in the same sense as the jokes of the Russian people during the Communist era. Remember the man waiting in the interminable line for his daily ration? He complained more and more about the shortages until a dark man came up to him and said "You'd better watch your mouth. In the old days, we'd ...." and he put out his hand in the shape of a gun, pointed it at the man's head and pulled the imaginary trigger. The man went home to his wife, who looked at him and saw that the food center had run out and they would have to get by without. She mentioned it to her husband who said, "Yes, and what's worse, they've run out of bullets."

The Jews had that kind of humor, too, to deal with suffering and persecution. But what I see from the Muslim world is stiff, forbidding, almost mechanical, focused on one thing to the exclusion of their humanity. That's not the picture I want to have of them, but what is there to replace it?

If I've misunderstood you, I sincerely apologize.

With respect,
Charles1952

Originally posted by buster2010
In the middle east a water pipe is called a hooka not a bong. And your title is misleading it isn't worth a look because it seems this thread is a sad attempt at mocking a religion you clearly are biased against.

Wow you must have a huge problem with reading comprehension. I don't see how you can derive that from the Op at all. The Op is helping us understand their angst against our making fun of them through the media by explaining their philosophy on humor.

Yet is IS interesting that the first joke on the page about the dog reflects hate towards Americans. I think there is a double standard here.

reply to post by JohnPhoenix

Dear JohnPhoenix,

Thank you. I appreciate the thought you put into it. I follow you every step of the way, then, I think, I take one more step.

As you say, their "philosophy on humor" makes it easy for them to get offended. Even if it's perfectly harmless or even complimentary, the person telling the joke is seen as less of a person, just because he is joking. And if one is already super-sensitive to comments about one's religion, nearly any comment can be taken as an excuse for rage.

The one extra step I take is more of a question than a step. What kind of people can live like that? What happens to you if you are always on guard against being seen as a "joker." What stresses pile up in a person who can't criticize directly, or by joke, their religion or their government? Do those stresses help account for the rage? I don't know. But I know Catholics tell jokes about the Pope, and every American complains about, or tells mocking jokes about their government.

Isn't humor essential to claiming humanity?

With respect,
Charles1952

reply to post by charles1952


Hi Charles,

Enlightening thread.

Myself, I grew up in a family of extremely religious people (commenly known as black stockings church, because the women are only allowed to wear black stockings). I can't even find an English translation for it but I guess it's best described as orthodox protestantism. The women must only wear dresses/skirts and not wear makeup or jewelry. The men cannot wear shorts. Television and radio are devices of the devil etc.

My grand father almost slapped me silly once for commenting, while watching a lunar eclipse, that the Earth revolved around the sun. I'm serious!! That man still believed that the Earth was the center of the universe.

Not a lot of jokes or humor with these folks. Only acceptable form of humor was insulting jokes towards other religions. I never really understood them or their sense of humor.

Just saying, it's not only Muslim humor that is different....

Peace

reply to post by operation mindcrime

Dear operation mindcrime,

Why am I having so much trouble reconciling your avatar with the claim "I accept cookies?" It makes it sound like you're the Cookie Monster on "bath salts."

Excellent point. That kind of scowling religiosity was, if I recall, a trademark of the Puritans. I suspect it can also be found frequently in revolutionaries. Marx always looked like he bit a lemon. I can't imagine the Inquisitors had a great sense of humor either.

Television and radio devices of the devil? There you might have a fighting chance of making a believer of me. I think "Jersey Shore" is the one that comes to most people's minds.

As you point out,

I'm serious!! That man still believed that the Earth was the center of the universe.

You use exclamation marks (properly) to show how strange, unbelievable, foreign, that that man was. That's the problem that I'm having here as well.

One difference is that your family's religion didn't have a billion plus believers who wanted to slap the entire world silly. (No, I'm not saying every Muslim is a homicidal maniac, but if I wanted to go to just one religious leader to get a thousand terrorists, it wouldn't be the Dali Lama (sp?).)

With respect,
Charles1952

P.s. As an aside, directed to the world, I wish I could get more of the supporters of Islam in for a calm and reasonable discussion on this subject. I'm sure I could learn a lot. - C -

Originally posted by Clisen33

Originally posted by buster2010
In the middle east a water pipe is called a hooka not a bong. And your title is misleading it isn't worth a look because it seems this thread is a sad attempt at mocking a religion you clearly are biased against.

Did you even go to the site?

This is the first joke at the top:

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.

The joke here being that a Muslim would actually save a little girl.

HAHAHAHAHA

How are these jokes?

Jokes are ment to be funny or at the very least invoke some sort of emotional response. It felt like a was reading nothing, i forgot the sentence pretty much straight after reading them.

Maybe they should go in under the worst jokes of all time? Or just muddled sentences which mean nothing.

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks
the assistant for an inflatable doll.

"Would you like male or female?"

"Female, please."

"Would you like Black or White?"

"White, please."

"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"

This question confused the man, so he asked,
"What has the religion got to do with it? It's an
inflatable doll!"

"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows
itself up!"

Haha, but i do have a sick sense of humour...