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English paper, needs review

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posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 10:30 AM
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Since there is no Academic board here on ATS, i placed it here. Please move where appropriate

I have an informal response for my English class. On a controversial topic. A letter to Society.

I'm not here to debate the logistics of the topic. I'm just curious to find out if i captured the spirit of the exercise.

And anything that i can change to make this essay better, any writers or English teachers on here?

Please feel free to comment.

Shane
Informal Response 2
September 14, 2012

Society, we have grown stagnant in our political affiliations. All I see is red versus blue everywhere I go.
Always voting for democrats or republicans is perpetuating, the endless cycle of stagnation of the United States political system. I’m tired of seeing people complain about the problems that this country has. In order to make changes we must first change the elected officials. There are other Political Parties that Main Stream Media doesn’t cover well. We the people have the ability to effect great change; we just need to think outside the box. Our political system was designed for more than two parties, but the news only focuses on the two. In my opinion that fact is why voters are only voting red or blue. As I was shown in college, if you always do the same thing you will always get the same end result. It’s time to open our eyes and our minds. There are others that want to change this country for the better. You have to give them the chance, let them into office. There were some smart people in the history of the USA that knew this.
The two major us political parties used to be joined at the hip. 1825 was the last time a democratic republican, John Quincy Adams held office. This was the final nail in the coffin for the caucus system. In 1828 Andrew Jackson and Martin Van Buren moved to the new Democratic Party. John Quincy Adams and Henry Clay formed the National Republicans Party. That same year, it then again transformed into another party, the Whig Party. It was short lived because of the north south differences on slavery. Many of the Whig party leaders, such as Abraham Lincoln joined the new Republican Party on the opposition of slavery. These men realized that when you’re not achieving the result you desire you need to change the variables and they did time and time again. That way of thinking has been lost for some time now. It’s been well over a hundred years since there was any major party change, and every four years we become embroiled in a political war with the same two outcomes; Red or Blue. Are you all voting for the lesser of two evils? There are always other options that the majority has failed to see.
There are other Political Parties around but they never get the media coverage they deserve. These parties are what I believe are the free thinkers or more open minded individuals that the United States of America has bred. They do not get the recognition they deserve. We could all vote on an independent party and incite change, which these free thinkers are hoping to accomplish. This current cycle has been going on for far too long. There is hope, and it comes in the form of change, and I’m not talking about switching from republican to democrat. Those Parties have been around for over a hundred years, flopping power back and forth. Instead of bitching endlessly about the problems, take an active stance and vote for independents. Red or Blue, Isn’t it the same shade of purple in the end?




Wikipedia. (21 N). Retrieved from en.wikipedia.org...(United_States)
Wikipedia. (2011, December 17). Retrieved from en.wikipedia.org...


Gulp, eagerly awaiting your replies.




posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 10:51 AM
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From a writing standpoint it is good. No real mistakes that I see. Flows well and does not go overboard with information. I think if it is for a class then it is just fine. I use to write papers about all kinds of wierd stuff when I did my Comp 1@2 classes.

ETA; I bet you'll be one of the only ones with an partially unbiased approach to this.
edit on 16/9/12 by usmc0311 because: added material



posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 10:52 AM
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For what it's worth, I enjoyed reading it.



Originally posted by shaneslaughta
All I see is red versus blue everywhere I go.


So true.



These bad boys only work when you have both eyes open.



posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 10:52 AM
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reply to post by shaneslaughta
 


Two paragraphs is an English paper....


I would take your initial premise, expand it to at least a whole page, if not more. jmoho... You are obviously, intelligent, have shown you have viable arguments to back your views. Strut your stuff, and pack a little more oomph into it.

Des






edit on 16-9-2012 by Destinyone because: (no reason given)



posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 10:53 AM
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S&F is good too i guess.
Although i was looking for criticism. Something to help me develop my topic more fully.
I can only have two pages, so its hard to get to my point. I could write twenty pages on this, and never hit my mark fully to my expectations.



posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 10:54 AM
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Originally posted by Destinyone
reply to post by shaneslaughta
 


Two paragraphs is an English paper....


I would take your initial premise, expand it to at least a whole page, if not more. jmoho...

Des


For an informal response this would suffice just fine. We used to have to do these with current events all the time in my writing classes. It is ussually something assigned for the next class or to do while in class.



posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 10:55 AM
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Its supposed to be double spaced, two pages. its not formatted properly on here though. Didn't like the paste from word.



posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 10:58 AM
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Yes, I get to write two papers per week for English and another writing class by the same instructor. two papers as well. I'm trying to expand my writing ability. When i do something i like to over do it. I want it to be a smack in the face so to speak.



posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 11:00 AM
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Thanks to everyone for your opinions and comments. I appreciate it. I think i will be bringing my papers here, for those of you that enjoy a good read.



posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 11:26 AM
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I got a bit of proofreading for you!


There is an unnecessary comma in your first sentence.

Always voting for democrats or republicans is perpetuating, the endless cycle of stagnation of the United States political system.

Delete that comma.

Capitalize "us" into "U.S." And it should be Democratic-Republican, capitalized and hyphenated.

The two major us political parties used to be joined at the hip. 1825 was the last time a democratic republican, John Quincy Adams held office.


The following sentence...

It was short lived because of the north south differences on slavery.

... could be better worded as: It was short lived because of the differences between the North and the South.

"On the opposition of slavery" could be worded differently.

Many of the Whig party leaders, such as Abraham Lincoln joined the new Republican Party on the opposition of slavery.

Also party should be capitalized as it is attached to Whig.

This should be a COLON : not a semicolon.

It’s been well over a hundred years since there was any major party change, and every four years we become embroiled in a political war with the same two outcomes; Red or Blue.


Republican and Democrat should both be capitalized.

There is hope, and it comes in the form of change, and I’m not talking about switching from republican to democrat.


"Isn't" should be lower-case.

Red or Blue, Isn’t it the same shade of purple in the end?



Other than these minor issues, your paper is good and the message is very good.



posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 11:38 AM
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Good proofing, an extra set of eyes is always helpful.

let the post editing process begin.

Thanks



posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 11:42 AM
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It may be hard to see but I made bold the changes I would make. Most of which were lower case to capital letters however, there are a few inserted commas, I spelled out United States(instead of USA) and 2 words deleted. As you have the original you can see what was changed.

I agree with some of the other posters in that there could be some added information, as your arguments, although good, lack in detail. For instance, the Civil War was much more than the slavery issue. That is just how they sold it to the people. Over all, it is well written.


Originally posted by shaneslaughta


Shane
Informal Response 2
September 14, 2012

Society, we have grown stagnant in our political affiliations. All I see is Red versus Blue everywhere I go. Always voting for Democrats or Republicans is perpetuating the endless cycle of stagnation of the United States political system. I’m tired of seeing people complain about the problems that this Country has. In order to make changes we must first change the elected officials. There are other Political Parties that Main Stream Media doesn’t cover well. We the people, have the ability to effect great change; we just need to think outside the box. Our political system was designed for more than two parties, but the news only focuses on the two. In my opinion, that fact is why voters are only voting Red or Blue. As I was shown in college, if you always do the same thing you will always get the same end result. It’s time to open our eyes and our minds. There are others that want to change this Country for the better. You have to give them the chance, let them into office. There were some smart people in the history of the United States that knew this.


The two major U.S. Political parties used to be joined at the hip. 1825 was the last time a Democratic Republican, John Quincy Adams held office. This was the final nail in the coffin for the caucus system. In 1828 Andrew Jackson and Martin Van Buren moved to the new Democratic Party. John Quincy Adams and Henry Clay formed the National Republicans Party. That same year, it then again transformed into another party, the Whig Party. It was short lived because of the North/South differences on slavery. Many of the Whig party leaders, such as Abraham Lincoln joined the new Republican Party on the opposition of slavery. These men realized that when you’re not achieving the result you desire you need to change the variables and they did, time and time again. That way of thinking has been lost for some time now. It’s been well over a hundred years since there was any major party change, and every four years we become embroiled in a political war with the same two outcomes: Red or Blue. Are you all voting for the lesser of two evils? There are always other options that the majority has failed to see.


There are other Political Parties around but they never get the media coverage they deserve. These parties, I believe, are the free thinkers or more open minded individuals that the United States of America has bred. They do not get the recognition they deserve. We could all vote on an independent party and incite change, which these free thinkers are hoping to accomplish. This current cycle has been going on for far too long. There is hope, and it comes in the form of change, and I’m not talking about switching from Republican to Democrat. Those Parties have been around for over a hundred years, flopping power back and forth. Instead of bitching endlessly about the problems, take an active stance and vote for independents. Red or Blue, isn’t it the same shade of purple in the end?




Wikipedia. (21 N). Retrieved from en.wikipedia.org...(United_States)
Wikipedia. (2011, December 17). Retrieved from en.wikipedia.org...


edit on 16-9-2012 by Agarta because: (no reason given)



posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 12:01 PM
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Thanks to all who have contributed. You have been a big help.
My previous line of thought, Too many factual bits and not enough of my own opinion.



posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 12:16 PM
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Republican and Democrat should both be capitalized.


Only if one respects them.

Otherwise little letters for little people.


edit on 16-9-2012 by EvilSadamClone because: (no reason given)



posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 12:25 PM
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I fixed the grammar and typographical errors. I write about what inspires me, i find it hard to write about things a care not about.
After my instructor has a go with it, i may send it to the editors of the local news papers around here.
After all, its a letter to society! Its voting time, maybe my letter wont fall on blind eyes?



posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 12:42 PM
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Originally posted by shaneslaughta


And anything that i can change to make this essay better, any writers or English teachers on here?

Gulp, eagerly awaiting your replies.


Professional writer here. (www.pamelabritton.com) Overall, the writing is solid. A lot of grammatical errors, though. And I think you miss an opportunity at the end with your purple metaphor. As it's written, it's a bit ambiguous. You say: Red or blue. Isn't **it** the same shade of purple in the end? What **it**. I assume you're referring to the blending of red and blue, yes, and that we should all work together, but why not take it one step further? Why not mention purple being the color of bruises and that this country is already bruised enough.

In any event, here's an editing job for you, free of charge.


+++++++++EDITED++++++++++++
Society, we have grown stagnant in our political affiliations. Everywhere I go, all I see is red versus blue. (RECAST THIS SENTENCE; THE VERB AT THE END BOTHERED ME.)
Always voting for democrats or republicans is perpetuating (NO COMMA) the endless cycle of stagnation of the United States (STATES' (with an apostrophe) political system. I’m tired of seeing people complain about the problems that this country has. In order to make changes we must first change the elected officials. There are other Political Parties (NO CAPS FOR POLITICAL PARTIES AND MAIN STREAM MEDIA) that Main Stream Media doesn’t cover well. We the people have the ability to effect (YOU MEAN "TO INFLUENCE", YES? THEN USE AFFECT. FRANKLY, I WOULD RECAST THIS SENTENCE AS: We the people have the ability to orchestrate) great change; we just need to think outside the box. Our political system was designed for more than two parties, but the news only focuses on the two. In my opinion, (INSERTED COMMA) that fact is why voters are only voting red or blue. As I was shown in college, if you always do the same thing you will always get the same end result. It’s time to open our eyes and our minds. There are others that want to change this country for the better. You have to give them the chance, let them into office. There were some smart people in the history of the USA that knew this.
The two major us political parties used to be joined at the hip. (TRY NOT TO START A SENTENCE WITH NUMBERS. I KNOW YOU'RE NOT A REPORTER, BUT IT'S A HUGE STYLE GUIDE NO-NO. I went ahead and recast it for you) The last time a democratic republican, John Quincy Adams, (COMMA) held office was in 1825. This was the final nail in the coffin for the caucus system. In 1828 (COMMA) Andrew Jackson and Martin Van Buren moved to the new Democratic Party. John Quincy Adams and Henry Clay formed the National Republicans Party. That same year, it then again transformed into another party, the Whig Party. It was short lived because of the north/south (ADDED A SLASH) differences on slavery. Many of the Whig party leaders, such as Abraham Lincoln, (COMMA) joined the new Republican Party on the opposition of slavery. These men realized that when you’re not achieving the result you desire, (COMMA) you need to change the variables and they did SO time and time again. That way of thinking has been lost for some time now. It’s been well over a hundred years since ( DELETED 'HAS BEEN" ... TOO PASSIVE) any major party change, and every four years we become embroiled in a political war with the same two outcomes; red or blue (NO CAPS). Are people (DELETED 'YOU' -- KEEP THIS TO FIRST PERSON) voting for the lesser of two evils? There are always other options that the majority fails (DELETED 'HAS' ... TOO PASSIVE) to see.
There are other Political Parties around, (NO CAP ... ADD COMMA) but they never get the media coverage they deserve. These parties are what I believe are the freethinkers (ONE WORD) or more open-minded (HYPHEN WORD) individuals that the United States of America has bred. They do not get the recognition they deserve. We could all vote on an Independent Party (CAP) and incite change, which these free thinkers (ONE WORD) are hoping to accomplish. This current cycle has been going on for far too long. There is hope, and it comes in the form of change, and I’m not talking about switching from Republican to Democrat (CAP). Those parties (NO CAPS ... LOL) have been around for over a hundred years, flopping power back and forth. Instead of bitching endlessly about the problems, (SUGGEST: why don't people) take an active stance and vote for independents. (? for punctuation if changed as suggested) Red or blue, (LOWER CASED BLUE) Isn’t it the same shade of purple in the end?
edit on 16-9-2012 by PamelaBritton2U because: because I missed one cap that shouldn't be capped.


edit on 16-9-2012 by PamelaBritton2U because: Because one should always edit, step away, and re-edit. Gack! Still catching errors: "Freethinker" again.



posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 12:50 PM
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Originally posted by OrphenFire
I got a bit of proofreading for you!


There is an unnecessary comma in your first sentence.

Always voting for democrats or republicans is perpetuating, the endless cycle of stagnation of the United States political system.

Delete that comma.

Capitalize "us" into "U.S." And it should be Democratic-Republican, capitalized and hyphenated.

The two major us political parties used to be joined at the hip. 1825 was the last time a democratic republican, John Quincy Adams held office.


The following sentence...

It was short lived because of the north south differences on slavery.

... could be better worded as: It was short lived because of the differences between the North and the South.

"On the opposition of slavery" could be worded differently.

Many of the Whig party leaders, such as Abraham Lincoln joined the new Republican Party on the opposition of slavery.

Also party should be capitalized as it is attached to Whig.

This should be a COLON : not a semicolon.

It’s been well over a hundred years since there was any major party change, and every four years we become embroiled in a political war with the same two outcomes; Red or Blue.


Republican and Democrat should both be capitalized.

There is hope, and it comes in the form of change, and I’m not talking about switching from republican to democrat.


"Isn't" should be lower-case.

Red or Blue, Isn’t it the same shade of purple in the end?



Other than these minor issues, your paper is good and the message is very good.


I caught the same errors (and more) except I let him keep his USA, LOL. (Really had to sit on my journalist hands). I also paused on the "Whig party leaders" sentence, but I didn't change it because I felt "Whig" was not being used as "Whig Party," but rather Whig was separate from party leaders. If he were talking about Unions, the sentence would be "Union party leaders."

Okay, I think I'm over analyzing things, LOL. Anyway, good eye!



posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 01:09 PM
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Thanks again for all your input. I wont use other people phrasing, although i did like the purple bruises.
Your input has given me a lot of things to think about in future papers.....wonder what the next assignment will be?
Although i was never big into writing, i have become taken with it. It's a wonderful expressive outlet for my heart and soul. Although grammar and punctuation has never been my strong suit, i guess is comes with the territory.
I have no doubt that aside from class papers, i will most definitely write for myself. I see no reason why i should stop. It is great practice for class after all.



posted on Sep, 16 2012 @ 02:22 PM
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**Thread Closed**

 


reopened.
edit on Mon Sep 17 2012 by DontTreadOnMe because: (no reason given)



posted on Sep, 20 2012 @ 07:02 PM
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Hello all, i just wanted to say thanks again fr your input.
i handed in my paper and got it back today.
98 so i got an A

and a very nice note from my instructor.

"shane this is the most well written and thought out piece anyone in my classes has ever done on that topic"

Im super happy



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