Humanity facing GLOBAL BACON SHORTAGE Stuff climate change, this is serious

Ladies and Gentlemen of ATS, this is my contribution to our sanity. In a world that is constantly in crisis, we can at least ask for a change from the current ones.

Besides, this is very educational. I've never hear so many words native to the United Kingdom as I have in this piece.

Read this, be aware, and consider hoarding bacon as an essential survival step. (Mmmmm, Bacon, BACONBACONBACON)

Doomwatchers are painting an apocalyptic picture of a world where weeping humanity is reduced to scraping meagre nourishment from mash without bangers, hole without toad, scratchings without pork and, chillingly, sarnies without bacon.

According to the BBC, a drought-hit US maize harvest has forced up cereal prices worldwide, prompting a sharp rise in the cost of pig nosh prices.

More significantly for UK palates, EU pig welfare rules have provoked a "dramatic" rise in the cost of the animal. Blighty "imports about 60 per cent of its pig meat from other EU countries", and porcine experts expect this supply to be cut "significantly" over the next 12 months.

Prices will have to rise, analysts warn. Stephen Howarth, of the pig tentacle of the UK's Agriculture and Horticulture Development Board, hinted that only those with deep wallets will get their laughing gear round porker-based nourishment.

He said: "Those who were willing to pay would still be able to get it, but some may find it more difficult. It will be interesting to see how they react."

Well, we at El Reg have a pretty good idea how they'll react, and it involves inner cities burning and pig farmers wielding shotguns fighting off ravenous mobs of bacon lovers armed with knives, forks and frying pans.

Phil Brady, spokesman for the British Sausage Appreciation Society*, summed it up with admirable understatement when he told the Beeb: "Pork has always played an important part in British cuisine."

If Britain can pull through the impending pork crisis without suffering complete social and culinary collapse, there is hope that future generations will not be reduced to looking at dusty pictures of bacon sarnies while sitting on granddad's knee as he tearfully recounts tales of pinnacles of pork perfection.

Stephen Howarth reckons that swine herds who avoid going trotters-up in the next year should benefit from a decent 2013 northern hemisphere grain harvest, thereby improving mankind's long-term pork prospects. ®


* Not to be confused with the American Pork Sword Appreciation Society, patron Paris Hilton.

www.theregister.co.uk...

With respect,
Charles1952

reply to post by charles1952


No!........nO......................NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Bacon makes life worth living.

Did you say bacon shortage???

I'm off to fetal ball until this crisis passes.

~Heff

But if you are....





I really love bacon. There cannot be a shortage! More must be done to stave off potential disaster!

Im going on a peccary hunt.

reply to post by zeeon

Dear zeeon,

Basically, the facts are correct. I know nothing about the pork business, but if prices in the UK went sky high, wouldn't American farmers sell it there?

I don't know how to comfort you. There are some events for which words are not sufficient. Know that I am with you in spirit as you face this terrible moment of desolation.

With respect,
Charles1952

Go to the local livestock auction and get yourself a few hogs..They eat everything so feeding them is not a problem..However, you have to butcher them yourself which i doubt few could do..Just take them to the local butcher if you can't stomach it..It's the freshest, tastiest swine you'll EVER eat

Originally posted by charles1952
reply to post by zeeon

 

Dear zeeon,

Basically, the facts are correct. I know nothing about the pork business, but if prices in the UK went sky high, wouldn't American farmers sell it there?

I don't know how to comfort you. There are some events for which words are not sufficient. Know that I am with you in spirit as you face this terrible moment of desolation.

With respect,
Charles1952

If this really happens, this is how I'll look when I can't buy my bacon at the local supermarket anymore.
Serious.

Imagine if we import these pork starved Brits for a ferral hog hunt........they wouldnt even need guns!
As a matter of fact, the cia engineered this pork shortage so they could recruit slavering british bacon lovers to fight the ferral hog battles in the lower 48 states!

reply to post by charles1952


this is serious - fortunatly - i have a simple solution

stop feeding vegitarians - and use the food they would have eaten to save our bacon - aw heck - lets just feed the vegitarians to the pigs too

reply to post by stirling

Dear stirling,

I like your ATS approved conspiracy theory, but I'm a little worried. I know a bacon shortage is disastrous, but is it worse than having several brigades of British baconeers beating bushes, and basically bamboozling us out of the benefits of bountiful bacon? It's a tough choice.

With respect,
Charles1952

reply to post by ignorant_ape

Dear ignorant_ape,

I can understand your sentiments, and applaud them. If God had wanted us to eat grass, he wouldn't have given us the Bar-B-Que. You're quite right that the vegetarian position is not supported by God, anatomy, tradition, or common sense. We have been well advised to take the middle road. That means you may have steak some days, if you balance it out with pork, and chicken on other days.

But, sadly, we must consider the practicality of your suggestion. I'm afraid the turmoil in that far-away part of the world has inflamed your passions to the point where some may raise their eyebrows at your suggestion. I'm not saying that your heart isn't in the right place, mind you, but perhaps you should have phrased it just a bit differently. Or, maybe place a limit on the number of vegetarians involved, say, 500,000?

With respect,
Charles1952

P.s. To all the posters, this is a lot more fun for me than it might be for you. Thank you all very much.

They are actually now reporting on this, on our local news.
So glad I just had two hogs butchered this summer


I have a freezer full of bacon!!!!!!!!!!!

reply to post by chiefsmom

I have a freezer full of bacon!!!!!!!!!!!

Tracing your IP now...expect a visit soon...

reply to post by charles1952


Economy collapsing, riots everywhere, UK currently underwater, WW3 building in the Middle East..........................


and this is the story that gave me nightmares over my cup of tea this morning! Global bacon shortage? Noooooo!

My bet is that it is a Jewish and Muslim conspiracy

reply to post by SonoftheSun


Well you better get you rear here soon. I have 2 sons. If they find out I have that much, they will be wanting to move back home.

Hmmm, maybe I should be checking out the survival forum for non lethal booby traps!!!

reply to post by chiefsmom

Hmmm, maybe I should be checking out the survival forum for non lethal booby traps!!!

Agree ! If the s* ever hits the fan, you are putting all your neighborhood in jeopardy with that much bacon !!!

reply to post by chiefsmom


non-lethal ? you have my athorisation to use ANY level of force required to protect your bacon - make them prise it from your cold dead fingers

Pray that it never comes to this. . . . . .

reply to post by beezzer


She looks like bacon, GET HER! if that's the case, these two don't stand a chance.






And God forbid, I won't be able to find ammo for my favorite home defense weapon.